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Remember this post from back in January? I thought that idea was freakin’ brilliant.

But we were watching One Day, and Emma says the same thing when she is reading a page from Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles :

“She suddenly thought one afternoon, when looking in the glass at her fairness, that there was yet another date, of greater importance to her than those; that of her own death, when all these charms would have disappeared; a day which lay sly and unseen among all the other days of the year, giving no sign or sound when she annually passed over it; but not the less surely there. When was it?”

The ChickieNob and I paused the show to look it up because I didn’t remember it in the book. (It turns out it is in there as a quote before a chapter.) But they made it a scene in the television show, so it stood out, whereas my eye passed over someone else’s words in the book. Was this brilliant idea from 1891 the first time it was said? Was it a copy then, too? Did my brain partially remember reading it, even though I sometimes skip over those quotes that begin chapters?

And did Dann McDorman, the author of West Heart Kill, know it had already been said? Did he read it himself or pick it up from a conversation with someone else? The transfer of ideas or the same thought popping up in two different worlds over a century apart?

I’m not sure why CafeMom needed to do a roundup last week of all the times Anne Hathaway spoke about infertility and loss, but I did think the first situation sounded hellacious.

She was in a play about “an F16 fighter pilot whose career stalls after she unexpectedly becomes pregnant,” and every night after her miscarriage, she had to get on stage and pretend to be pregnant and give birth.

Night after night after night.

While it’s not a competition, having to go to work and teach kids when I couldn’t have kids myself was pretty awful, too. Still, at least I wasn’t the only person in a one-woman show, up on a stage with every eye in the theater only watching me, living out my otherwise for other people’s entertainment.

We’re nearing the end of the first year of college. The twins will both be home this summer, working and doing projects. I cannot wait to see them daily, though I’m already dreading the end of summer.

You can never be too early!

Carolyn Hax gave advice recently in regards to a breakup that applies universally to all endings. She explains the difference between those who mourn ahead of time (me) and those who mourn after the fact (also me).

Some people do their hard work and grieving as the loss is in progress. They’re the ones who emerge from a wrenching breakup almost giddy with relief … they pre-care, from the moment they sense something big is coming to an end.

The other option: “Living more in the moment, so your grief-and-hard-work clock starts upon the fact of a loss.”

She does not cover those of us who mourn in equal amounts ahead of time and after the fact, taking a double portion of mourning. The clear message is to choose a time and stick with it.

In 2021, 2022, and 2023 (I didn’t write about it again), I received thoughtful messages from businesses and organizations giving instructions on what to do if I wanted to opt out of Mother’s Day messaging.

I didn’t choose to add myself to the “do not send” list, but I appreciated being asked. But I realized as Mother’s Day passed in the UK and is quickly approaching here that no one sent this message (yet) this year, though Debrett’s updated their post. I realize they still could, but it’s interesting that after three years of sensitivity and thoughtfulness, people didn’t feel like they had to keep sending the message of sensitivity and thoughtfulness.

It feels a little hollow in retrospect. I mean, the thoughtfulness felt real at the moment, but is the disappearance a sign of times changing? Did they receive feedback from people that they don’t enjoy being given the option? Or was it a statement they tested vs. a conviction to be as inclusive as possible?

Who is to say? I’m trying not to see it through a skeptical lens. It’s odd to receive zero emails after receiving several in the three prior years.

Did you receive any opt-out messages this year?

A few weeks ago… months ago?… Mari Andrews had an essay about anxiety, and it contained a few things she says to herself when she is panicking. They were so helpful and thought-provoking that I turned some into a virtual sticky note on my laptop.

The thoughts that resonated the most:

This thought is unpleasant, but it’s safe

Thinking about it more won’t bring relief

It could be true or not true

The other sayings were helpful, but these three stuck out to me because they are always true. Thoughts can be unpleasant, but a thought is not the same as something actively happening to me. Sometimes, ruminating on something can help me feel better when I’m actively problem-solving. Still, many times, I hit a point where continuing to think about something without having additional information is no longer bringing relief. And I always have to acknowledge that a thought I’m having has a chance of being true and a chance of being not true, no matter how sure I am in the moment that it is 100% factually true and a situation is likely to happen. Maybe it won’t.

Passing this essay along in case it help anyone else.