Pre-Care and Post-Care
We’re nearing the end of the first year of college. The twins will both be home this summer, working and doing projects. I cannot wait to see them daily, though I’m already dreading the end of summer.
You can never be too early!
Carolyn Hax gave advice recently in regards to a breakup that applies universally to all endings. She explains the difference between those who mourn ahead of time (me) and those who mourn after the fact (also me).
Some people do their hard work and grieving as the loss is in progress. They’re the ones who emerge from a wrenching breakup almost giddy with relief … they pre-care, from the moment they sense something big is coming to an end.
The other option: “Living more in the moment, so your grief-and-hard-work clock starts upon the fact of a loss.”
She does not cover those of us who mourn in equal amounts ahead of time and after the fact, taking a double portion of mourning. The clear message is to choose a time and stick with it.
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I was thinking that people started dying in my life when I was about 4, and there hasn’t really been a span longer than 8 years where someone within my parents’ immediate family hasn’t died. So I guess my method of pre-mourning is always knowing that things end. And that life goes on.
I have started to look at people now and say to myself “it’s obvious that no one close to you has died an untimely death.” That kind of mourning leaves a mark.