Category — Barren Advice

This is the 40th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I am desperate for some advice! My husband and I are infertile due to an emergency partial hysterectomy to save my life during a bad labor and delivery of our daughter Vivienne, who subsequently was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away at nine months old. We are beginning the process of looking into expanding our family with either a traditional or gestational surrogate mother.

In light of different things I’ve read, for example that surrogacy agencies are not licensed or monitored in any way, and the recent fraud and theft of IP’s funds at SurroGenesis, USA, I am looking for: (1) Recommendations of good agencies. We live in Pennsylvania but due to the unfavorable legal status of surrogacy in the state, will likely use an out-of-state surrogate, and/or (2) Some pointers on how to evaluate agencies and what questions to ask, and/or (3) Any advice or suggestions on compassionate community fund-raising to help us supplement our savings and what we take in loans, to finance the surrogacy process. I’ve been researching these items online, and haven’t found any or many great answers! Thank you so very much!!

—Mary

The question sort of has two major parts: doing it right and how to get help. The doing it right part is easier to manage, insofar as bad reputations usually remain attached to agencies that fail to provide good customer service. What constitutes good customer service when it comes to a surrogacy agency or lawyer? Well, unfortunately, the happy ending of a healthy child is not necessarily the deciding factor. They cannot control child birth any more than any of us can control child birth. But some agencies do a better job of protecting your heart on the items that are within their control.

I went to Kym from I’m a Smart One, an infertility blogger AND successful surrogate, who used her own experience needing assistance conceiving to help other people build their families. She tackled this question thoroughly and passes along this advice on choosing a surrogate.

The website is often the first window into the quality of an agency. Anyone can throw up a website and call themselves an “agency,” and many people often do. However, established, well-maintained agencies will have a depth of information that helps give credence to their effectiveness as an agency. The more information provided, the better. Things to look out for on agency websites:

*About Us/Who We Are — This page should give some details about who the agency is run by and how did the agency come to be. Was it established by former intended parents and/or surrogates or by an attorney well-versed in surrogacy? Quality agencies will also have support personnel who are either an integral part of the staff or are independent, adjunct professionals. Such support staff includes: surrogate and intended parent coordinators, licensed social workers, counselors, and/or psychologists, attorneys, bookkeepers, and receptionists. The About Us pages should do exactly that – help potential clients to know about them and provide background information on educational levels, their roles within the agency, and contact information. Be wary of agencies who give little to no information about themselves.

*Financial Information — Surrogacy websites should offer explicit information as to the type of financial investment intended parents can expect to make by working with them. Outlined should be specific dollar amounts, to where the associated fees are going, when portions of the money is due, and whether or not any paid funds are reimbursed if you choose to part ways prior to achieving a pregnancy with a surrogate. All agencies require that majority of the funds for the surrogacy journey are placed into escrow. Escrow funds should be held by a cooperating third party and *not* by the agency itself.

Examine the agency’s fees and what services they include. Some agencies offer varied fees depending on what level of involvement you want them to have in your surrogacy journey. For example, a couple may prefer to use an agency for matching services only and then independently manage all other aspects of their journey (arranging medical appointments, etc). Other IPs may want full-service involvement, from the initial matching straight through to the delivery. The more involved the agency, the greater the fees paid will be. Still, fees range greatly from agency to agency. When comparing agency costs, IPs should pay close attention to the breakdown of the fees, paying close attention to the amount being paid directly to the agency itself (as opposed to the surrogate, psychological and medical fees, etc). On websites, this is usually referred to as the “Agency” or “Professional” fee. Agencies vary greatly among well-established, reputable agencies. Some of the more well-known agencies may charge upwards of $25,000, while smaller, but no less reputable agencies charge around $10K-15K for their services.

*Explanations of the Surrogacy Process (from both the IP and Surrogate perspectives) — While they generally follow the same chronology, specifics in the process can vary slightly from agency to agency. Important things to note are whether or not an agency’s surrogates are pre-screened. Most agencies have surrogates who have already been accepted into their programs and will also find surrogates by posting classified ads (online) on behalf of the intended parents. Surrogates who are found after intended parents have contracted with the agency will still have to be screened medically. This section of the website should explain how the matching process is handled. Will both IPs and surrogates receive each others’ profiles, or will the IPs receive the surrogate’s profile to review and decide whether to proceed to the next step. Will the agency facilitate a three-way phone conference? At what point is personal information exchanged between the surrogate and intended parents? How will the agency continue to support both the IPs and the surrogate once pregnancy has been achieved?

*News/Media Coverage/Testimonials/Affiliations — What do other people have to say about this agency? Quality agencies will have reputations that speak for themselves, but also have other people want to speak for and associate with them.

When seeking information about surrogacy agencies, don’t underestimate the power of word of mouth. Do thorough information searches online to learn of others’ experiences with these agencies. A great place to start are online surrogacy message boards. Surrogate Mothers Online has an extensive system of searchable forums where you can easily access pages of agency client’s experiences. Information can also be found on All About Surrogacy. AAS requires registering to be able to search the forums while SMO does not.

Once IPs have examined websites and have narrowed down two or three agencies to contact, questions they should definitely ask (if not already answered on the website) are:

1. Knowing that the ultimate financial investment has many variables, how close is the estimate presented to what most intended parents actually end up paying?

2. Has the agency ever been sued by any surrogates or intended parents and if so, for what and what was the outcome?

3. If a surrogate does not already have an insurance policy which which will cover the pregnancy (as some have exclusions against surrogacy), how will the agency help acquire a policy and what are the approximate costs?

4. How long have they been in business?

Above all, one mistake that some intended parents make is falling under the misunderstanding that by working with an agency, it completely frees them from becoming fully educated about the surrogacy process prior to embarking on a journey. Agencies are there to help guide both intended parents and surrogates through the process, but both IPs and surrogates have many things to consider before seeking a match, whether with the help of an agency or independently.

To help ensure a smoother start to their surrogacy journey (whether independently or with an agency), IPs have many other things to consider. How much (or how little) will you feel comfortable asking for/paying in compensation and fees? How much contact do you want to have with the surrogate before, during, and after the birth of the child/ren? How do you feel about selective reduction, and in which circumstances would you (or would you not) reduce or terminate? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but to have a good match, it is imperative that you know where you stand on these issues, and on which you have room for flexibility or none at all.

The key to finding a good match is finding someone who shares the same mindset on as many issues as possible. Matching with someone who has polar opposite views on some of the heavier issues could potentially be a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, agencies are there to help facilitate matches so that the intended parents’ focus of a journey can remain where it should – on having a baby through the supportive partnership with their surrogate.

Remember – good agencies may be the experts with what they do, but don’t forget that they are working for you. Once contracted with an agency, be sure that your (and your surrogate’s) needs are being met in a timely manner and do not hesitate to press if you feel that you are not getting the service for which you’ve paid. Agencies should be warm, welcoming, and accommodating, there to guide and support.

Okay, so that incredibly thorough answer (thank you, Kym!) should get you started on separating the wheat from the chaff. But what about the other part of your question–raising funds to make surrogacy possible.

People seem to fall into two categories with the soliciting for donations, especially asking for money outside of family and close friends. With your family and friends, you are personalizing the request. They know you and you probably know their financial situation. It is completely reasonable to turn to a parent or sibling and ask for help. Sometimes we ask for a person’s time or a person’s expertise. Other times, we ask for money. And while it is not the easiest conversation to have, many people have found that by laying out the facts (we need help in order to build our family) and explaining how the money will be used and if/when it would be paid back if it were a loan rather than a gift, that they can gather help in financing their family building efforts. The worst thing that happens is that the person turns you down and as long as you can accept that their lack of money does not translate into a lack of love for you or for your future child, you have nothing to lose by asking.

So those aforementioned two categories come up when soliciting donations from a community. Most people are indifferent or unaffected. If they have money, if they get something out of it themselves (for instance, a raffle), or if they have an emotional connection to the situation/person, they are unoffended by being asked for a donation. They either act or they allow their eye to pass over the virtual donation plate on the person’s sidebar. A smaller group finds the request for donations off-putting, explaining that everyone has personal needs–most of which require money–and choose to not read blogs that ask such requests (and therefore, you lose the emotional support). It’s a hard decision to make whether or not to solicit within a community.

A better place to start is with people who know you or are connected via a local network such as a social group or religious institution. Friends of Journey to Parenthood have been holding a series of fundraisers to cover missing income after Ben was diagnosed with cancer and Kari became pregnant with quadruplets. The most creative was the “flocking,” but they’ve also had a softball tournement and a dance. The combined fundraisers have raised thousands of dollars, with everyone giving a small bit to bring the couple a lot of help.

I asked Angie Best-Boss her thoughts, as the author of the book Budgeting for Infertility. If you don’t know this book, you should. It costs $12 and a few hours to read it, but it will save you hundreds if not thousands. Truly, there isn’t a more helpful source for navigating the funding of treatments, third party reproduction, or adoption. Especially the advice on dealing with insurance claims…

She said:

Funding surrogacy is tricky. As you know, most of the creative loopholes you might find for either adoption or IVF aren’t available for surrogacy. But, that doesn’t mean you are out of luck, either.

Out of the country surrogacy options are less expensive, but have their own issues. One of the best ways to save money on surrogacy is to work with an experienced surrogacy attorney. He or she may be able to facilitate the entire process without having to use an agency. Surrogacy agencies can be wonderful, but they can also be very expensive.

In terms of raising money, here are a few ideas to get you started. For most of these, you need somebody in the community to help. For example, you might need a church or other group with a non-profit status to do some of these fundraisers (though contributors won’t get a tax write-off) or someone with a large space.

* Crop till you drop. Find a local scrapbook consultant and host a $20 crop for 4-5 hours one night. The consultant can demonstrate techniques and you can collect cash.
* One of my favorite ideas is a Texas Hold ‘Em poker night.
* Current has great cards, wrapping paper and gift items and their fundraising programs offers 50% back.
* Host a big garage sale and ask for donations from family and friends.
* Make and sell things over at etsy.com
* If you or someone you know is an artist, start a Café Press store to s
ell imprinted mugs, shirts, bags, etc with a great piece of art.

It’s a good starting place and certainly read the other blogs in the surrogacy categories on the blogroll, from both the IP and surrogate point-of-views because often, tucked inside a post where you least expect it, are the nuggets of advice that help you the most on your journey.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

This is the 39th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I am going to self publish my book but things have really been blowing up for me press-wise regarding PFM. Do you think I should try to find a publishing house? I don’t have anything published as a writer. If you think I should at least try it, where do you suggest I go? I know a small publisher is probably my best bet.

—Erica

I have a feeling this question is going to bring out other questions, so I’m going to start with how to pick your path to getting your manuscript in book form, and if people have other things they want to ask, throw them into the pot by submitting a question to Barren Advice.

There are three main paths you can take and there are benefits and drawbacks to all three: self-publishing, representing yourself, or utilizing an agent.

Self-publishing is open to everyone. You pay a fee, and they put your manuscript in book form. Prices range from a couple hundred to several thousand. Self-publishing utilizes a system called POD or Print-on-Demand and it’s similar to Cafepress. They do not waste materials until someone wants the book; meaning, the reason you can usually only get self-published books online rather than in a bookstore is that they don’t exist until someone makes a purchase and then they are printed within the day and mailed out. You pay an upfront fee (Booksurge, Amazon’s program, asks for anywhere from $800–$6000 depending on what you need done–and I’m sure there are places that do it for much less, but you also sometimes have lower quality with the lower fee), and then receive back a portion of the book sale–sometimes up to 35%. So…just to explain the math to see if this option is right for you, if a book costs $15, you should receive back $5.25 per book sold. You’ll need to sell a little over 150 copies of the book to break even and after that, you’ll turn a profit.

Advantages are clear–it is entirely within your control. All you need to do is write the book or convert your blog posts into a manuscript. And frankly, if you’re not up to enduring a lot of rejection (because even JK Rowling endured rejection), self-publishing is the way to go. It is a sure thing. You also have control from start to finish, deciding what goes in the book as well as the look. Though you have to front the money for the process, if you have a thousand dollars to invest, you can easily turn a profit if you have a decent platform (a platform is a term used to describe your reach from the number of people who would be interested in purchasing your book to the media contacts you have who would write about your book). And for most writers, turning a profit is not the reason they wrote the book: it’s to get the information into the hands of people who need it or would enjoy it. Therefore, self-publishing is the perfect way to make sure that information or a story doesn’t linger unpublished on a Microsoft Word doc on your computer. It is the only way within your control to make sure that it gets sent out into the world.

One other advantage is that some PODs then get picked up by a publisher, though this is uncommon and not something that can be controlled. But when it does happen, it means that you didn’t have to jump through the hoops of finding an agent, but you got the benefits of a publishing house down the road. But, again, this scenario is the needle in the haystack and I can only think of one book like this off the top of my head.

The disadvantages are clear too–since anyone can publish a POD, there is a big range of quality. POD-dy Mouth used to be the place to go to separate the wheat from the chaff, but with that closing, it’s really up to you to exercise a buyer beware mentality as a reader. PODs are edited–either by the writer or, for a fee, by a freelance editor, but copyediting is not the same as editing and vetting. Meaning, every book you are purchasing from a publishing house has been professionally edited as well as vetted if it is a work of non-fiction, with research notes examined and challenged. Having been a freelance editor–sometimes called a book doctor–(as most MFA grad students are at some point in their life) and having been on the receiving end of a publishing house edit, I can tell you that it’s two very different processes where one is receiving a collection of notes and one is participating in a collaborative process with (1) some control over using the notes removed but (2) a keen-eye focused on getting the right message across. Removing the publisher from the publishing process can remove some credibility depending on the reader.

That said, I also think that removing the publisher from the publishing process can give you a more emotional, raw text. Stuff that would be edited out at a publishing house can be left in with a POD, therefore, I think of self-published books and traditionally published books as two separate beasts with PODs closer in helpfulness to a blog: it is raw, unwatered down emotion; it is off-the-beaten-track; it is honest. But I also wouldn’t take my fact from a blog, if that makes any sense? By which I mean that I read a blog and I think “this is true for them.” It may also be true for me, but at its heart, it’s true for them. When I read a book, I tend to think more along the lines of “this is true for a lot of people.” It may not actually be true for me, but I can see how
it is more inline with fact than opinion.

I’m pro-POD for fiction if I’ve already read something from the person and know I like their style, and I’m pro-POD for memoir with the same caveat, and I’m pro-POD for non-fiction in certain cases, BUT I would never use a POD book for research unless it came from a major organization rather than an individual. Because while it’s a nice jumping-off board, it’s not a good base to use because the research hasn’t been vetted by a third party. I am obviously mixing both thoughts about each path both as a writer and as a reader–how the book may be received.

The other disadvantage is marketing. You are entirely on your own for marketing with a POD unless, again, you pay for services. If you have a pretty strong platform or the book gets a cult following, this isn’t an issue. But it means that you keep having to take the initiative to get it out there and it can be exhausting (and avenues can quickly be exhausted). Most publish
ers expect authors to take a certain amount of initiative, so it isn’t as if this disadvantage is unique to PODs, but the difference is that (1) you will not get the foot traffic picking up your unknown book off the shelf at a bookstore because it’s usually only offered online and (2) some traditional reading sources and media outlets will be closed to PODs.

So, to review about self-publishing–it’s great if you want control of the process and you want it to just happen without having to jump through hoops. Yes, you need to front the money, but if you can sell between 150–200 copies, you’ll recoup your investment. And if you have a strong platform, selling 150–200 copies won’t be a problem. The information will be out there instead of sitting on your hard drive. And there’s always a chance it will hit cult-success or be picked up by a traditional publishing house. I am personally a fan of self-publishing because there’s a lot of good stuff that will never be considered by a publishing house because it doesn’t have marketing potential (remember, a publisher buying a manuscript is essentially making an investment and just as you wouldn’t buy stock in a company that looks like its going nowhere, publishers will not invest in books that they don’t think will make a profit. And publishers need to sell many more than 150 copies to turn a profit).

At the same time, one thing to consider–a blog is essentially a POD e-book that is being given away for free. Think about that for a moment–everyone who keeps a blog is a writer. The fine line to walk is whether people will pay for what they are getting for free on the Web. In other words, is the information compelling enough that they’ll want it in book form or would they rather just access it for free via your blog? If your plan is to incorporate parts of your blog into your book, it could be a very difficult road to convince people that they want to buy what they get for free in the same form that they get it for free.

To take an example, Heather Armstrong used parts of her blog in her new book, but it was also edited by a publisher at Simon Schuster, therefore giving it new meaning, consideration, etc. I’m not sure she would have the same readership happily recommending the book to others if she had self-published the same blog entries without the requisite editing given to her by Simon Schuster. It sort of begs that free milk/cow question that is so popular as a sex/marriage analogy.

Sort of like applying to college, self-representation is open for everyone to try, but you’ll have to be accepted. Though independent publishers prefer to work with agents, some will accept direct submissions (major publishing houses will not accept submissions that do not come through an agent). Most independent publishers work with a specific genre or within a specific swath of the population, but if you fit their profile, you may be able to send your work directly to the house and have it considered for publication. If you get accepted, it contains all the advantages with working with a publishing house–you get paid to write the book, you get a professional editor, and you get help in marketing the book. It will appear in bookstores and you will have readings and reviews (hopefully–but even that is not a given these days).

The advantage with self-representation is that you don’t need to first obtain an agent. You can present yourself however you wish, meaning, you can highlight what you think is important rather than having the agent decide what to highlight. In certain cases, you can represent yourself better than an agent, though with few exceptions, an agent always represents the book better (meaning, you know you, but your agent knows books). Personally, I’d trust the agent because you’re not selling yourself per se, you’re selling the book. But there are cases where this is important (for instance, if your book is about social media and you can’t find an agent who is Twitter-proficient and you know of a publisher who would be perfect for the book).

The big advantage is that unlike self-publishing, you will never have to layout any money to be published–they will pay you. If a publisher asks you to pay for any part of the process beyond mailing your manuscript, you will know it is not a legitimate press. Publishers will not ask you to layout your money because by buying your manuscript, they are essentially making the investment.

Some people who self-represent to get the deal will turn around and get an agent once they have an offer on-hand. They will have the agent look over the contracts and help negotiate things. Personally, I see a lot of advantages and disadvantages to doing this: you get an agent, but you miss out on the reason for having an agent in the first place (more on that in a moment). But I do think it makes sense if you see yourself writing more books or negotiating more contracts (international rights, film, etc) later on.

The disadvantage to self-representation is that fewer and fewer independent publishers will accept unsolicited manuscripts (the term for a manuscript that you want them to read, but they did not ask to read nor did it come from an agent). So on one hand, it’s more immediate than getting an agent, but it’s also harder to have your manuscript read. And once you’ve taken this path, it’s hard (though not impossible) to get an agent to look at your manuscript because it has already been out there. So it’s a path I would only take if you’ve already exhausted searching for an agent or if you’re prepared to either self-represent or self-publish. But it’s not a good starting point if you’re looking to seek an agent after you try this route. Also, you will not have every publisher open to you–only a few–but going this route also cuts off access to big publishing houses later because agents will be more squeamish about taking you on if you’re a first-time author.

The other big disadvantage is that you will always be negotiating (instead of having someone negotiate on your behalf) and you’ll have to be vigilant. I think only those who know what to expect and look for within publishing should take this route. The way it was explained to me in graduate school is the offer you will receive through an agent is so much greater (not just financially, but in retaining rights et al) than what you can receive for the most part on your own, that it’s worth the cut an agent will take from your contract because you’ll still come out ahead.

So, to sum up self-representation, if you’re pretty savvy, have connections in the publishing world, have access to free law advice, or want to try this before self-publishing, it’s a great route. If you are set on publishing with a publishing house, this isn’t a great starting point, but it can be a good finishing point before you throw in the towel.

Lastly, you have traditional publishing which the majority will find they need an agent to get their foot in the door and negotiate. So first you have to find the agent–and if anyone wants me to speak to how to find an agent and what you need to prepare to send, let me know and I’ll cover that in a future Barren Advice because it’s very different for fiction and non-fiction–and then the agent finds the book deal for you. Though having an agent does not mean that you’re going to get published. First and foremost, there are a lot of agents out there who do not have the necessary connections to get you a book deal (anyone can call themselves an agent) and beyond that, even the best agents do not sell their whole list. But having an agent helps.

Let’s start with the disadvantages. It’s hard to get a good agent. Most agents will not take on work they do not think they can sell and passionately represent. The fact is that their time is precio
us and they get asked to look at a lot of projects. Feel good if an agent asks to see your manuscript. It means a lot of have it considered.

Most good agents (and again, I could declare myself an agent tomorrow but it wouldn’t mean that I am a good agent. I do not have the expertise to negotiate contracts nor the connections to get your book looked at by a major house. So when I saw “good agent,” I mean an agent with an established reputation, most likely in New York though the Internet has opened up the world to living outside New York, with prior sales or working for a solid agency) will not take on a first-time author without a platform or a published author without decent book sales. It can be very disheartening to receive rejection after rejection OR to not receive any feedback at all. Many agents say they will only contact you if they are interested, therefore, you may have a long list of people approached that are in limbo–neither rejecting you nor contacting you, making you wonder if they got your submission at all.

Yet, without the agent, you can’t get to the major publishing houses nor can you get your foot in the door at most independent presses. But this disadvantage to you–the writer–is actually an advantage to the rest of us–the reader. Because getting an agent to stand behind the work and a publisher to invest in the work, gives the work credibility and state of quality. There are plenty of great books that don’t get representation or a contract but most books that do get representation or a contract are of some substance. They may not be your cup of tea or necessary in your world, but they are considered necessary or enjoyable by a group of someones. Notice I mention the idea that it could be enjoyable. Not every book published by a major house will be healthy for your mind. There’s also a lot of literary candy out there. I tend to be a healthy reader so I sometimes look at the candy books and think, “seriously, that got published and X’s book didn’t?” But at the same time, there are a lot of unhealthy, junk food readers out there who snatch up the autobiographies of sixteen-year-old rock stars.

Okay, so the advantages of going the traditional route and getting an agent and using a publishing house start with the same advantage of self-representation: you will be paid to write your book (and again, you will never need to shell out any money beyond postage and anyone who tells you to spend money to get a contract does not have your best interests at heart). You will be a true published author. Your book will be available at brick-and-mortar bookstores. People will respect the process enough to consider the book for review in a major media outlet or offer you space for a reading.

The major advantage is that an agent is a person who is always in your corner. They are always looking out for your best interests and will help negotiate things on your behalf. It may not seem like a big deal, but having an agent is sort of like having a fairy godmother–one who is there to cheer you on, make sure you don’t fall into any pits, and generally stand up and say to the world “I think this writing rocks.” Without an agent, it is impossible to get your foot in the door at most publishing houses (because the agent is looked at as a gatekeeper. The publishers save time by looking for someone they trust and know to vouch for your work).

So, to review this form of publishing–it has the most work on the front end (obtaining an agent), but will be the smoothest ride once the agent is in place and a contract is obtained. You will not need to front any of your own money, and your book will be the highest quality it could be. But, it is a hard road to walk with a lot of rejection inherent in the process.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeew. That was a long answer to a brief question, but there’s a lot to still discuss–such as, once you pick your path, how do you know which POD businesses or agents are worth their salt and which ones are there to waste your time/money? Or what can you expect from the self-publishing process or the traditional book publishing process? Or what constitutes a strong platform? So ask away. And I’d love to hear from others who want to talk about their experience with the publishing process or why they chose the path they chose.

I will admit that due to my background (MFA degree where going the traditional route is drilled into your mind) and the fact that I had a decently strong platform, I went with traditional publishing as my Plan A. My Plan B was self-representation for a limited amount of time. And my Plan C was self-publishing. This book was getting out there one way or another…

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

This is the 38th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

My friend told me about your blog and I decided to write you with my dilemma even though it is not infertility related.

A while back, I went through a divorce. There was no big drama. We had simply grown apart until we weren’t communicating at all and I realized it would be better to be alone with myself than to feel alone in the relationship. Since the divorce, I have dated a bit, though the relationships have sort of made me look at how much I miss my first husband. We recently got back in touch and though we’re in the initial stages of talking, some information has surfaced that makes me think that we made a mistake. At the time. we were both unwilling to go through marital counseling. I think we’d both embrace the idea now.

I guess my question is what do you think of giving people second chances and how do I tell people in our life (friends and family) that we want to try again when they helped me emotionally through the divorce and will probably see this as a step back rather than a step forward?

–Anonymous

Giving second chances is sort of like shopping. Whenever I’m in a store and I have the impulse to buy something, I ask myself two questions: do I need it and what does it cost? And you can apply those two questions to this situation as well. Do you need it–meaning, what do you get out of being with him and is it worth taking him into your life. If you can point to the benefits of having him around–and those benefits can only be determined by you–then he needs to move on to that second question: what does it cost?

Since you don’t mention anything that would warrant paying the price of self-esteem (if he was belittling) or safety (if he was dangerous), is sounds like the largest cost will be pride. You touched on that with the second part of your question: how do you tell friends and family who are going to pass judgment if you return to the relationship.

But here’s the thing about pride–it’s sort of the same thing as money. People think they need to have a lot of it, and they horde it, and they refuse to spend it even if it could possibly get them more pride down the road (I swear, I’m going somewhere with this analogy). But in the end, what is pride? What is money? We assign it worth, but does pride keep you company or make you laugh? There is a difference between setting limits that protect your heart or taking a stand on what matters to you.

Is it hard to swallow your pride and put your heart out there again after it’s been trampled on? Most certainly. But based on your question, I am guessing that you see a worth to putting yourself out there again and the damn tether that is holding you back from leaping off the edge and trusting that either something good will happen or you’ll still be able to fly away again if your needs are not met, is pride. A desire to not look like a fool or love someone more than they love you or to be embarrassed when friends and family pass judgment on your choices. Pride is only beneficial when it’s protecting your boundaries rather than locking you in.

If you do decide he would make a great addition to your life again and he’s worth the cost (because he’s got to be both–he can’t look pretty in the living room and be out of your price range nor can he be clutter who is also too cheap to remain in one piece after three uses), I would give the information as matter-of-fact as possible because I think many times, the people who are on the fence will follow the underlying message they get from the way you tell the information. If you’re apologetic, they will pick up on it and take away the message that you think there is something wrong with this so perhaps they should think there is something wrong with this too.

So say it confidently. Write it in an email if you don’t think you’ll be able to get it out of your mouth in a phone conversation or over the dinner table. Tell them that life has a funny way of coming full circle and you’re lucky enough to have found each other for a second chance. You can admit that the news may be a bit shocking if they weren’t expecting it and you may want to fill them in on how you connected again. But make sure you keep it light, have it reflect how you feel.

Er…assuming that your heart is feeling light and there is no buyer’s remorse. Because listening to how the information sits with you once you need to release it to others is a good barometer of how to answer those two purchasing questions.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

This is the 37th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I’m on my 4th injectibles IUI and I’m not moving to IVF. So I have one or two more months and maybe a 10% chance of getting pregnant and then that’s it. Life forever without getting pregnant. In the mean time, I have appointments at the fertility clinic about 3x/month. During each appointment, I have to interact with 3-4 people who each always ask me how I am. Truthfully, I am not handling the crushing disappointment very well. I realize their questions are their way of being polite and my normal answer, outside of the doctor’s office, is a simple ‘fine’. However, inside the doctor’s office, I just refuse to say that I am fine. I am nowhere near fine.

I’ve tried ignoring the question, I’ve tried a nonsensical answer (“Right”), I’ve tried truthful (“Not well”), I’ve tried truthful/mean (“You don’t want my answer”), and I’ve tried crying (that was fun). But in certain situations, like shelling out $1200 while sitting across from the billing person who I have nothing to say to, I feel like I need an answer that doesn’t make me feel like a total bitch and also doesn’t make light of my situation. Frankly, considering why people go to fertility clinics, I’d think I’m not the only person who’s at a loss how to answer this throwaway question. Any advice would be very welcome.

–Robin

Frankly, it’s a throwaway question pretty much every time it’s asked. Think about how we say it–this week, I said it to Steve who brings in the carts at the food store. “How are you doing?” I called over my shoulder AND KEPT WALKING. What is he supposed to do–shout the answer at my back?

Every culture has some variation on this question and uses it as a greeting. Isn’t that bizarre? Why wouldn’t we just use a statement as a greeting instead of utilizing a question–a conversation starter–when we don’t really want to talk?

Because we want to appear friendlier than we really are.

It’s not that I don’t care about Steve’s answer. When I step back and think about it, I actually care about Steve a great deal and when he was absent for a few days, asked at the customer service desk about him. Steve is a constant: he’s always at the food store. If he started to answer my question, I would want to hear it because if there was anything I could do to help, I’d want to do it. And yet I realized by the way I called it over my shoulder that what I was doing was really just acknowledging him, making myself feel like a friendly person rather than actually making a connection with him and listening to what is happening in his life.

Your question reminded me that I need to do better next time. I need to either choose a statement rather than a question or I need to slow down in the parking lot and show him with my body language that I’m actually as interested in the answer as I am in asking the question.

But what do you do with the people who aren’t considering how their question is hanging in the air like a sick joke? I mean, how would you be doing if you were in a fertility clinic? Unless they just gave you the golden ticket out of treatments, you’re probably doing crappy. And while you can’t change the fact that they asked the question to you, you can change (at least for the perceptive ones) how they ask it in the future.

I’d answer every “how are you” with an “honestly, not that well.” And then wait for the follow up. Those who say “sorry to hear that” are giving you a clear sign of how they wanted their question taken. They didn’t truly want to start a conversation with you, even if you’re someone they see constantly. It’s not that they don’t care about you, but in fairness to the limitations of life, they only know you so well and therefore are only so invested in your answer.

Those who return with a “why” are inviting the conversation. They want to hear why you’re not doing well, and these are the people I would focus on rather than foisting the answer on those who aren’t receptive in the first place. They may not be closer to the situation–you may find that you receive more care from the woman doing billing than the nurse in charge of your case–but for whatever reason, they are more invested in helping you emotionally.

“How are you” can be such a loaded question that I’m not sure why anyone would use it as a greeting. And while you can’t control whether or not it is asked, the way you answer will at least save you the annoyance of sharing your life with someone who isn’t there to actually receive that part of you.

I get the feeling from your question that you’re not really struggling with the answer insomuch as you’re struggling with the reality of the situation: someone has asked you how you are, you’ve answered, and they have essentially let your words fall directly to the ground rather than catching them in their hands. No one wants to see a beacon of care (that shining light of a question: how are you doing?) and then find that the light shines off of them as soon as they start speaking. Ask anyone who has experienced a situation that would fall under the category of “uncomfortable topic” (loss, illness, failure, divorce, unemployment, etc) how they felt when they began sharing their news and watched the conversation grind to a halt how incredibly hurtful it was to have someone figuratively holding out their hand and then drop it before human contact could be made.

I’ve written about the Twilight Zone episode before that explores that need for human contact and I think we need that contact, that connection to others, even more so when we’re undergoing something as emotionally draining as infertility. You need to be recognized, you need to know that people are still seeing you as a member of society because YOU are redefining where you stand in society. Fertility clinics need to be doing a better job at recognizing that they’re treating the whole person and not just their reproductive organs. The “how are you” is a nice start. Listening to the answer, whatever it may be, is the next step. And your office is falling short on that back end, asking the question to appear friendlier than they actually are.

It would be great if office staff read this post and thought about how the questions they ask affect the receiver when they are clearly asked without the answer desired. But they most likely won’t and to be fair, the best clinics don’t need it because they already are thoughtful (by best I mean best experience, not the highest success rates). Hop
efully, you’ll change some of the perceptive people.

And, if nothing else, you won’t hear the awful thud of your words hitting the floor as the other person drops them carelessly if you only give them to people who truly want to hear them. For the ones who don’t follow up your response with the next question (“why?”), answer every time they ask in the future: “thanks for asking; how are you?” Oh, and then change the topic before they can respond if you want to drive the point home that asking their question in a fertility clinic is inane if it’s not going to be followed up with some comfort. Or listen to the answer and show them how a pro does it.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

This is the 36th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel: