My Inner Tzippy
When the kids were little, I had a hard time reading Where the Wild Things Are aloud because my throat would catch. I’ve written about this before — how much I identify with Tzippy. She is the wild thing who cries out to Max, “Oh please don’t go – we’ll eat you up – we love you so!” when he leaves the wild rumpus.
The wild things, after all, are terribly misunderstood. They don’t gnash their teeth and roll their eyes out of hate. They do this out of love. Out of a love that comes from an enormous well of pain because life–as well as our love–is so deeply out of our control. If the wild things actually had the power to stop Max, they would have. But like too many of us know, we can shake our fist at the world all we want, and it can’t bring back what is missing; what has never come.
I’ve been thinking about the book a lot because the twins are looking at colleges, trying each one on inside their head and wondering if it would be a good place to live and learn for four years. They are lucky that they like a lot of schools and will make themselves happy in multiple places.
I have been trying to give them the space to try on the colleges in their heads even though my inner Tzippy is roaring. She does not want them to go. She wants to eat them up because she loves them so. She cannot imagine how she will get her feet to move out the door when she drops them off for college. How she will make it through those first days. Those first weeks. Those first months until they come home for a visit. I feel very lonely, out of step with other parents who talk about big plans for their upcoming empty nest.
When I wrote those posts in 2009 and 2012, I knew that we would one day be at this point. That I would feel this way when I reached this point. But it is very different living this point; feeling my inner Tzippy reaching out and roaring every single day.
5 comments
I know you will miss them terribly. But you are so proud of them and want them to have the best life. So you know you will be excited for them, while you’re also sad for yourself. The empty nest will be daunting…but temporary, as they will come and go and bring new people with them.
It will be OK.
I’ve been thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if DC1 went to our local uni for a year and stayed at home (and then transferred elsewhere later).
I’m not 100% familiar with the Wild Things, because I’m too old to have read it myself, and with no kids, was never really exposed to it. But I love this part of the excerpt you quoted:
“we can shake our fist at the world all we want, and it can’t bring back what is missing; what has never come.”
That is perfect in infertility terms, isn’t it? What a wonderful lesson those words provide for children and adults alike.
I recognise the grief you’re going to feel when the twins leave, even though you know they’ll be excited, and even though you don’t want to hold them back – but at the same time every instinct is probably screaming, “I want to keep them here, safe, with me!”
All I’ll say is that it’s not going to be all bad – understanding that (even if you don’t feel it yet), and holding on to that idea at the same time as mourning their departure from your everyday lives, might help you through it. Those contradictory emotions can be very hard to hold and honour at the same time, though. One feels like a betrayal of the other. So I’m sending hugs.
It’s not easy, Melissa. Somedays college kids will make you happy and proud and somedays you’ll just miss the faces at the breakfast counter. I thought I would get used to it, but every Fall was heartbreak all over again. (And this was with a kid who came back for summer break–lots of more enterprising kids don’t do that.) For me it was really important to get therapy and support, and find other fulfilling rituals.
I completely hear you on this. I think about it all the time when bedtime is being stalled or a snack ends up on the floor or my patience is running thin. I try to be in the moment to take in all the snuggles and the conversations and the milestones as they are happening because I know it will be too soon before those aren’t the daily interactions anymore. Logically we know this is the best case scenario — for the little birdies to fly off and live their best adventures — after we’ve spent years arming them with all the tools and education and confidence they need to thrive. It doesn’t make it any easier though. Sending love.