I’m going to start by admitting that I don’t really get celebrity hating, specifically Gwyneth Paltrow.  Does she say clueless things?  Yes.  Is she out-of-touch with how the average person lives?  Yes.  Is she a product of her upbringing, as most of us are?  Absolutely.  But she doesn’t really warrant hate.  She doesn’t kill people in order to get attention for her agenda*.  She doesn’t blame certain groups for the ills of the world or deny the existence of atrocities.  She isn’t violent.  She doesn’t rape.  She doesn’t hit or strangle.  She doesn’t abuse her children.  All in all, she’s a fairly innocuous person, easily ignorable.  I know because I’ve ignored her for years so I’m positive that it’s do-able.

That’s okay.  She’s technically ignored me for years too.

Image: WEBN-TV via Flickr

Reading the gleeful deconstruction of Paltrow comments — from her conscious uncoupling to her words about movie star parenting — all I could think of was Blythe Danner.  How Blythe Danner was taking the evisceration of her daughter.

Because the truth is, I can handle (within reason; I mean, I’m not a stone statue.  I have feelings) anything you throw my way about myself.  You can mock me until the cows come home, and most of it will roll off my back.  I can keep it in perspective.  But mock my kids?  I will hold a grudge so long that your great-grandchildren will feel my wrath.  Yes, I am blind to seeing foibles in the people I love, and I will defend my inner circle to the ends of the earth.  And that also means that my heart goes out to Blythe Danner.  Because I’ve got a feeling that Gwyneth can handle her own criticism.  But it is very hard to know that there are people out there talking shit about someone you love.

So… Blythe Danner, whom I’ve also managed to ignore for several years now (seriously, it’s not hard.  I barely remember some of these celebrities exist until they pop up in a news article), my heart goes out to you.  It cannot be easy to have a loved one in the public’s eye and to feel that wave of hate directed at your child.

Back to my GOOP-free existence.

* I’m making a lot of assumptions here, but until I hear otherwise, I’m going to keep assuming Paltrow isn’t mowing down innocent old ladies.

It barely warrants comment at this point.  All week long, I have been seeing idiotic Facebook status updates again (yes, I’m looking at you, friends), which obviously means that it’s time for cryptic, pointless “breast cancer awareness.”  All of that is in quotes because these memes do nothing to actually promote awareness.  What we end up doing is discussing the meme, not discussing breast cancer.

And if you thought the fake pregnancy one was offensive, there are a plethora of obnoxious options this year:

Oh dear, dear, dear. You should not have liked or commented!

Now you have to pick one of the 14 below & post a status. This is the 2014 breast cancer awareness game. Don’t be a spoil sport, choose your poison & change your status.

1) Damn diarrhea

2) Just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

3) Anyone have a tampon. I’m out.

4) How do you get rid of foot fungus.

5) Why is nobody around when I am horny?

6) No toilet paper, goodbye socks.

7) Someone offered me a job as a prostitute but I’m hesitant.

8) I think I’m in love with someone what should I do?

9) I’ve decided to stop wearing underwear.

10) I still love my ex.

11) I really don’t know how to tell anyone and I’m sick of hiding it I’m gay.

12) Guess it was 2 good 2 be true I’m pregnant.

13) Just won $7000 on a scratchy.

14) I’ve just found out I’ve been cheated on for the past 5 months.

Haha…

I like the “haha” at the end — it obviously points to the seriousness of cancer.

Here’s the thing.  Cancer isn’t a game.  It isn’t something cute.  It isn’t something that needs non-specific awareness.  What IS needed is education and fundraising and support.  And if the meme offers none of those things, you should take a pass or use your status to educate, fundraise, or support.

Please use your status box wisely:

• Post a link to Toddler Planet’s post about the lesser known inflammatory breast cancer (Toddler Planet died several years ago from IBC).
• Post a link to WebMD’s page on breast cancer.
• Post a link to the Mayo Clinic’s page on breast cancer.

Yes, I am a spoil sport.  And no, you don’t need to leave a comment telling me to lighten up.  Saying that, especially when you know nothing about my life, just makes you a jerk.  Please don’t be an Internet jerk.  Just click away.

I have cold medicine brain, that overtired, slow-thinking feeling when your body hasn’t been able to sleep off the residual effects of Benadryl.  I slept enough, but my body doesn’t quite want to release Benadryl’s sweet grip.  So everything is moving somewhat slowly today.

I rarely get ill, but this winter, I’ve been sick at least four times.  I think it’s been five, but I’ve lost count.  So to be conservative, we’ll say four.  This is in addition to throwing out my back.  In other words, I’ve been a hot mess.

It feels like every time I get back up to speed in life, I get sick again.  Which makes me take a step back to tend to my watery eyes and sneezing nose.  Afterward, it takes days to get back up to speed with life and become productive (instead of playing catch-up).  And right when I hit that sweet spot where I feel like everything is back to normal, I get sick again and the cycle begins anew.

This has been the lost winter.  Between snow and illness and death and a host of other shittiness, very little has gotten accomplished.

I’m trying to be okay with the lack of forward movement.  To just sit in the reality of this winter, shrug, and think, “well, maybe spring will be different?”

*******

On the other hand, my Hay Day farm is chugging along.  I’m about to enter level 46.  Buy the soup kitchen.  I’ve opened up all my fishing holes.  My barn and silo can each hold 650 units.

It’s good to be productive somewhere.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “This is Why I Read Your Blog” (Stirrup Queens) — thank you, Katherine A and Northern Star!
• “Reflections on My Experience of Infertility, Loss, and the ALI Community” (It’s Just a Box of Rain)
• “The Miscarriage Misconception” (Operation: Wife)
• “Melissa’s Story — Baby Abigail, Stillborn at 36 Weeks” (The Lewis Note)
• “3/21” (Invincible Spring)
• “My Life & Middlemarch” (The Road Less Travelled)
• “The No-Baby Boom” (Macleans)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Two community-created/led projects: The Infertility Voice is back up and running with a gorgeous new design and a lot of resources.  You can jump directly to the blog posts, but make sure you take some time to peruse all the links she’s compiled for everything from discount fertility drugs to premature ovarian failure.  And DI Dad is spearheading a very cool, frank discussion on donor conception.  In the vein of Postsecret, DI Dad is asking those in the donor conception community (donors, donor-conceived, and donor-assisted parents) to lay bare their thoughts on donor conception.  Those utilizing donor gametes should check it out.

Res Cogitatae has a post about the figurative ravens on her shoulder: anger and anxiety.  She writes, “That one says more than the other. It is larger, more demanding, harder to shut away. Anger is more prone to unexpected outbursts, croaks responses that lack proportion. Anxiety is softer but more insidious. It has spent more time with me.”  It is a gorgeous, gorgeous post, and Serenity’s comment is equally thought-provoking: “Fear is a misuse of imagination.”

Lastly, With Every Heartbeat has a post about loneliness; about how difficult it is to make friends with other women when all the various friend-making avenues are closed.  I love love love the end of this post.  Love it so much.

The roundup to the Roundup: I’m sick.  Again.  But my Hay Day farm is awesome.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between March 21st and March 28th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations. Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form after adding the icon below: the April list is now closed.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

The April 2014 List

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Amateur Nester (infertility, faith, encouragement)
3. The 2 Week Wait (infertility advocacy humor)
4. My Lady of the Lantern (parenting after IF, baby loss, TTC ambiguity)
5. Breathe Gently (mum-of-1-year-old, IVF, PCOS)
6. Life’s Little Bump (recurrent miscarriage, infertility, hope)
7. Inconceivable! (parenting after DE/IVF, struggles, step-parenting)
8. Waiting for Baby (new mom, PCOS, weight loss)
9. Waiting for Baby Bird (infertility, PCOS, waiting)
10. Climbing the Pomegranate Tree (MFI, IVF#2, life)
11. Comatised (love, life, survival)
12. Stellar (love, life, survival)
13. Recovering Beauty (love, life, survival)
14. One Step at a Time (toddler after infertility)
15. The M House (adoption, family, parenting after loss)
16. Life of an Army Wife (army, pregnancy, donor gametes)
17. The Quest for a Tiny Human (infertility, iui, fur babies)
18. The Fertility Challenged Midwife (infertility, life, family)
19. The Infertility Voice (infertility, advocacy, empowerment)
20. An Engineer Becomes A Mom (adoption, parenting, family)
21. A Little Bit More (TTC, infertility, life)
22. Mommy Summers (mom, pcos, family)
23. Dogs Aren’t Kids (infertility, IVF, humor)
24. Living Our Miracle (embryo adoption, TTC, POF)
25. In Due Time (faith, waiting, loss)
26. The Empress and the Fool (IVF, coping, DOR)
27. Birds, Bees, and Medicine (IVF, pregnancy, PCOS)
28. Baby On Mind (embryo adoption, infertility, 40+)
29. The April list is now closed

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is blue, the next month it will be red, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

I wrote about this on BlogHer, but I think it bears repeating.  One day, we won’t be here.  But our social media accounts will be.  And the time to decide what to do about them is… now.

People who are dying often think long and hard about making life easier for others after they’re gone.  But the reality is that none of us know when we’re going to go.  A simple thing we can do for the people we leave behind is give them the keys and directions to what we want done with our online life after we’re gone.

Don’t bookmark this post and then put off the tasks indefinitely.  Set aside one hour today to make sure that you take these steps before you’re gone.

Password Passbook

There will be plenty of questions that our loved ones never thought to ask that will plague them after we’re gone. Don’t make passwords one of these things. They are a simple piece of information you can leave behind for someone you trust who may need to get into your accounts after you’re gone. Yes, some sites will help your loved ones gain access, but really, don’t make them jump through hoops while they’re grieving.

Create a simple, three-column document… on paper.  Why save it on paper instead of on the computer itself?  Because a document containing passwords could be found on a computer simply by searching for the word “password.”  The point is to make this document as simple and straightforward as possible, so a grieving family member can utilize it to get into your accounts.

The three categories should be site name, user name, and password.  You can additionally write the answer to any security questions you have on the account.

Put this information in a sealed envelope, and store it in a safe place in the house with other important papers.  Update it regularly and reseal it in a new envelope every time information changes or a new account is added.

Be Clear With Family

What would you want placed online after death? An announcement? Would you want your sites taken down? Left up for eternity? Now is the time to make those decisions.

Clearly write out instructions on what you want to have go up online as well as what you want to have happen to each of your accounts.  Some sites will allow family members to memorialize or delete accounts even without your password, but really, in a time of mourning, you can make things easier for the people left behind if they know specifically what you want (or don’t want) done.

Create a document where you walk through, site-by-site, what you want stated (or not stated) on each account as well as whether to keep up the account untouched, memorialize it, or delete it after a set amount of time.

Social Media Upkeep

It’s not enough to tell family members that you want your blog to remain online for eternity.  If you self-host your site, you need to give clear instructions on how to keep renewing your domain year after year.  You need to create a document that gives your blog host name, your domain host information (if it differs from your host), and the dates that each aspect of your account renews.

If you are choosing not to renew a self-hosted account indefinitely, know that the domain will be lost if it’s not renewed, and your family members will be locked out of your site’s dashboard.  Actually, make sure your loved ones know this fact, so they can act in a timely manner after your death.

Designate a Social Media Helper

Not every person in your life feels comfortable or familiar with social media.  You can do your loved ones a favour by designating someone to be their social media helper in your absence.  This can be a trusted friend that they can ask questions if they arise after your death.  How to renew a domain name, how to clean out your direct messages on Twitter, or how to search Gmail are all things people unfamiliar with these services may have difficulty navigating, especially those who don’t spend a lot of time online.  Give them the name and email address of a person who has agreed to help them out after you’re gone.

Listen, no one wants to think about the day they won’t be here.  But just as people construct a will for their personal possessions to make their wishes clear, we need to make a plan for our online content and accounts.  The loss of you will be hard enough.  Don’t make it more difficult for the people left behind to decide what to do and how to access the online accounts that were important to you in life.