Number One Reason Never To Go Out

I was talking with a friend about how we both never leave the house, but after we got off, I felt guilty because I hadn’t gotten the mail in at least a week. I decided that I was going to put on my big girl panties and get the mail like a grownup.

But there were two crickets — CRICKETS — on my car: a small brown one and a big green one. I almost returned to the house, but a wave of guilt again hit me. I was going to get the mail. But I would enter the car from the passenger side to avoid the crickets.

They watched me from atop the side mirror while I drove.

My low tire pressure light went on.

The big green cricket hopped off and landed (likely) on the driver’s door. Just waiting for me to put air in my tires so it could jump into my hair and kill me.

I pulled up to the post office and pretended that I was checking out something on the passenger side, so I looked halfway normal to the people who were all parked and sitting in their cars for some reason. I casually slipped out the side door, grabbed the mail, and returned to enter through the passenger side, pretending I was just chilling in a parking lot. Don’t mind me. This is totally normal to enter through the side door and slide behind the wheel.

Josh told me he would meet me at the gas station to put air in the tires so I could avoid the big green cricket. But right when we met at the gas station, the skies opened up, and it began pouring. He slid into my front seat, and we sat for a half hour, watching the rain thump down against the windshield. “This is why I never go out. If you never go out, you never encounter situations like this.”

So true.

There was a tiny break in the rain, so we drove over to the air pump, and Josh unscrewed the cap on the first tire. The sky was just joking. Two seconds later, the sky opened again and dumped on him. Within seconds, his clothes were plastered to his body. He wins an award for saving me from the tenacious big green cricket. I mean, he never found him, but I’m sure he was lurking somewhere. The little brown cricket crawled behind the side mirror, so I’m sure he was plotting something.

In any case, this is why I never leave the house.