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I read a beautiful term: dream bankruptcy. I liked it, especially as I read the description of when someone may want to declare dream bankruptcy: “The person has become so attached to their dream that they fail to adapt, even when reality provides evidence that the dream isn’t workable.”

The article explains it is less about the dream and instead looks at “the impact a dream has on our day-to-day behavior.”

I thought it was a massively helpful way of looking at paths not followed through to their ends, what comes next, and how the future may look after declaring dream bankruptcy.

We are down to measuring in weeks.

We measured in months, but now that there are only two months left until the twins go, we’re measuring in weeks. Soon, we will be measuring in days. And then hours. Minutes. Seconds.

No, I couldn’t write that without crying.

The closer the day gets, the harder it gets. It feels like the goodbye has its own gravity, like a massive planet that looms larger as I move closer, making my body slow down and feel heavy. I can’t move off this path; time is magnetic. So I have to stare at it in front of me as weeks turn into days, which turn into hours.

Erin McKeown had an essay that spoke so deeply to my heart about the aftermath of an accomplishment, something I’m staring down in a few weeks. In some ways, the twins are an accomplishment, even though their success shifted from our efforts to their own years ago. But it’s the thing I’m most proud of — more than work, books, or other things. I’ve gotten two people ready for the world; others find them kind and helpful.

She couches the discussion on work accomplishments, of which she has many. She writes:

Yes, these things are shiny and awesome, but that’s exactly the problem. They are so extremely shiny and awesome that now they are done, that I didn’t get the jobs, they leave a shiny and awesome void, an emptiness not just on my calendar, which had been packed for the last 10 months, but in my artistic practice, also known as, my soul.

“A shiny and awesome void.” How perfect is that?

I am scared of the quiet periods. The quiet periods in work, the quiet periods in relationships, and now this quiet period of parenthood. I know what to do in the active portion of life. The loud portion. But I don’t know what to do with myself during these quiet periods.

It’s July 4th, which makes me feel like I should write something patriotic, acknowledging the day. But I’m not feeling very patriotic. My mind is focused on the twins attending orientation, getting things together for college, and going over lists and lists and lists for my lists of things we need to do to get them ready.

Independence, indeed.

It’s this strange idea that you turn a certain age, and you’re encouraged to be independent, whether you’re ready or not. I mean, yes, the twins will be fine. They will be ready. But it’s kind of strange when you step back and think about independence vs. interdependence. Why we cheer on one and barely mention the other.

Many months ago, when I was in the middle of a very stressful situation, I set up a half hour of “me” time. I usually work through lunch, but on Fridays, I would shut off the computer for a half hour, eat really good chocolate, drink tea, and re-watch a television show. That last part was important because I wanted the half hour to be pure enjoyment, so I would only re-watch things I enjoyed and not take chances with anything new.

Even after the situation ended, I kept up the ritual. It was a little thing to look forward to each week.

But with the kids home for summer, I needed to confess that (1) we had a hidden stash of really good chocolate in the house, (2) I took a half hour in the middle of the day to watch television, and (3) did I mention that the really good chocolate was in an undisclosed space that they would never be able to find or access?

They kind of couldn’t get over the chocolate thing. We generally share everything in the house. “Does Dad know?” they asked. Dad buys it for me. We go to the ex-pat stores and buy really good chocolate for my ritual.

I invited the twins to join me in “me” time, making it “us” time because it is delightful to take a break in the middle of the day and watch Good Omens for a half hour. (They didn’t love the whole stopping the episode in the middle and pointed out that it must take me months to finish a television season. It does.)

If you are also having a stressful time, schedule a weekly ritual. Put it on the calendar as a meeting. Hold it sacred. Buy good chocolate and tea.