By the time the next Virtual Lushary rolls around, the Creme de la Creme list will have been started.  I know–it’s a little crazy.  The chill has just hit the air here.  I’m wearing a jacket for the first time since last winter.  But if I don’t start it early enough, I don’t get it done.  And it’s pretty much my favourite thing I do all year.  So I’ve started constructing the opening post and am working on the new icon for this year today.

This will be the fourth list, and that fact alone blows my mind a little.  In 2006, it was pretty small–77 posts.  In 2007, it had doubled to 160 posts.  In 2008, it grew again to 222 posts.  My goal this year is to break 300 posts.  I would love all 2000 blogs on the blogroll to have a post on the list, and I’m looking to you guys to help me nudge everyone to join along.  If you have a favourite post that has appeared on another person’s blog, let them know.  Kick each other’s asses, so I don’t have to.  The list will open at the beginning of November, so I give you this heads up in case you want to start thinking about it so you can be high-up on the list or hitting publish on a particular post in your draft folder.

The place where I need the most help– and this section always gets the least amount of attention so I’ll say it again and again over the next few weeks–is with blogs that have closed in 2009.  Meaning, they didn’t go password protected or on a pause–the author has either removed the blog entirely and has stopped blogging or they have stated that they are done with the site, but are leaving it up.  So if you can think of blogs that fit this description (and they ended in 2009–not 2008 or earlier), send them my way or leave the name in the comment section below.

So can we raise a glass of a cream-based drink for the Creme de la Creme list?  Because we all have a personal favourite post.

As always, it has been about a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don’t have a blog–gasp!–you can always leave an email address if you’re looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you’re a regular at the bar, I’ll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I’m glad you found this virtual bar.

For those who have no clue what I’m talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.

So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.

My parents almost named me something else. They had picked out a different name–something somewhat similar–and were leaning towards it when they realized how kids could make fun of the name. They picked Melissa instead because nothing rhymed with it, it wasn’t the subject of an embarrassing song (unless you count the Allman Brother’s “Sweet Melissa”), and it couldn’t be shortened or lengthened into something disgusting.

They wanted kids to work for their torment-able material.

I mentioned this to the secretary of my grad school program and she immediately responded with “Melissa; she’ll kiss ya. That rhymes.”

And indeed, it does.

Shit.

I’m really glad that they named me Melissa, but I have to wonder how differently my life would have turned out if they had gone with the first choice. Do you believe we somehow fulfill the destiny of our names? Is a Gertrude destined to lead a Gertrude-sort-of-a-life and a Moxie Crimefighter destined to lead a Moxie-sort-of-a-life? Do our names set us on paths with boring names leading to more mundane, traditional lives and edgier names lending themselves to a world of tattoo-sleeves and bungee jumping?

How did your name guide your path?

I think Melissa sounds sweet and feminine and I traditionally use my full name when my hair is down and styled and I’m wearing a hint of lipstick and I’ve actually remembered to wax my eyebrows. I think Mel sounds unpretentious and simple. It’s my day-to-day name. And I am low-fuss. I prefer Chincoteague to Paris, prefer generic canned white potatoes to Belgian fries. I like solid colours, no adornment, little jewelry.

See, I became my name.

Or…wait…did the name become me?

And does that make any sense?

Welcome to the 21st tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Anyone can jump aboard–it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: It Sucked, and Then I Cried
Author: Heather Armstrong (a.k.a. Dooce)
Start Date: August 18
Post Dates: October 12
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)

About It Sucked, and Then I Cried…: Obviously not an IF book, but relates to blogging. I’ve seen so many people say they’re reading it that it made sense to read it together. If not sure if her m/c is mentioned in the book, but it is an interesting story AND postpartum depression affects IF women 4 times more than the general population. So an important topic too as it relates to PPD and post-adoption depression.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. You’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on It Sucked, and Then I Cried)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (below this post)
The Road Less Travelled
Wild Women of the Universe
Slaying, Blogging, Whatever…
Baby Smiling in Back Seat
Sticky Feet
PCOS Blogger
Desperately Seeking Baby

Even if haven’t read It Sucked, and Then I Cried, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The current group chooses the next book. The 22nd tour will kick it old school with Norton Juster’s classic, The Phantom Tollbooth.  As we did for Harriet the Spy, we’ll be reading this middle grade fiction book through the eyes of an adult and applying Milo’s journey to our own lives.

The Details: Tour #22 will start October 12. Participants will read The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. On or before December 2nd, everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you by December 4th. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on December 7th. I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #22, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The participants on the The Phantom Tollbooth book tour will choose the book for tour #23.

Happy reading.

Postpartum depression is as much a taboo topic amongst women as infertility or loss.  But if you’re brave enough to admit it, others usually crawl out of the woodwork with a me-too.  And it’s strange that we make someone step forward first in all three cases before opening up with our own story.

Because wouldn’t it be better to educate each other on postpartum or post-adoption depression than force some people to feel their way through it alone?  We aren’t shy about trading tips about the best diapers, ways to potty train, or how to breastfeed.  But turn it towards the darker topics–the ones we hope never happen to us, in other words–and everyone goes quiet, even though they wish others would speak up about it too.

By which I mean we’re all guilty.

Heather Armstrong was brave enough to come forward on her blog, Dooce, as well as her book, It Sucked, and Then I Cried, and write about postpartum depression.  And while I would have loved to hear more of the lead-up and minutiae, I think the end result is that this book could serve as a great spring board for others stepping forward, telling their stories, and forming community.

Heather obviously has a very distinctive writing style that comes across in both her blog and her book. What do you think has made Heather such a famous blogger? Her writing style, honesty, or something else? Do you write with the same passion and honesty that Heather does?

Heather spoke at BlogHer 1 1/2 years ago and while I forget the percentage, she admitted that readers are getting a very small view of her life.  And while this is true of all blogs (we usually boil it down to the most noteworthy moments in a day), I think some people have more of a wall than others when it comes to relaying their thoughts.  I think I am fairly honest and open, but my story ends where anyone else’s begins unless I’ve gotten their permission to tell the story.  There are times when I change details in the story to disguise the situation and write about it–set a conversation at a dinner party rather than over the phone–but for the most part, I draw my line pretty firmly around where my arm-span ends.  And that means that I can’t be entirely open.  There have been times when I have wanted to write something because I need the support, but in the end, it is someone else’s story to tell and not my own.  This is especially true with the twins.  I’ll only write things about them that will not be potentially upsetting or humiliating later on (save for the pantyliner commentary), which means that I’ve had to hold my tongue during times when there has been so much to say.

I think Heather’s success is a combination of openness, talent, and timing.

The author talks about how she imagined her future children before becoming pregnant:

When you’re childless and young and hopeful, you have this idea of what your children are going to be like, and you make mental notes when you see other kids in public. You say to yourself, “My kid will be cute like that,” or “My kid won’t ever throw a tantrum in public like that little demon.” I had always envisioned a sweet little princess who looked just like me sitting quietly in a high chair, her pressed velvet petticoat creased perfectly as she sat and waited to be handed things in a timely manner. And then you grow up and have kids and realize that YOU HAVE NO SAY…

Before starting to try to conceive, how did you imagine your future children? If you now have children, how did your expectations fit reality?

It’s funny, but before we had kids, I imagined more what I’d be like as a mother than what they’d be like as kids (is this a sign that I am incredibly narcissistic or self-actualized?).  I don’t think I truly had a clue how parenting would actually be and I still don’t think I understand anything beyond parenting these kids and up until the age of five.  I have no clue how life will go at 8 or 12 or 18.  Or what parenting would be like with other children.

But all in all, I find temporary states such as tantrums less telling of parenting, but I love examining how the parents and children interact.

If you had postpartum depression to the degree Heather describes, would you have the courage to check yourself into a psychiatric ward? (It’s hard to say when it’s not actually happening in your own life, but I’d be curious to know if there are some people who are completely against it, some who would do it if they felt there was no other way, etc.)

I hope I would do whatever I needed to do to be healthy.  I think too many times, we’re comfortable with treating the body, but we stop short at treating the mind.  I would treat the mind if it needed to be treated.

Interested in the idea of an online book club?  Join along for the next selection by clicking here and spend more time reading other thoughts on Heather Armstrong’s book by clicking here.

Here is the master list for the 22nd tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. What is the Barren Bitches Book Brigade? It’s a book club from the comfort of your own living room. The book club is conducted entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way. We read both fiction and non-fiction.

Anyone can jump aboard–it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: The Phantom Tollbooth (yes, the old middle grade classic)
Author: Norton Juster
Start Date: October 12
Question Due: December 2nd
Question List Sent Out: December 4th
Post Date: December 7th

(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)
Something New: the participants on this tour will choose the next book.

About The Phantom Tollbooth: As we did for Harriet the Spy, we’ll be reading this middle grade fiction book through the eyes of an adult and applying Milo’s journey to our own lives.  Long before there was Harry Potter, there was Milo, the boy who saved Rhyme and Reason.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. On December 7th, you’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on The Phantom Tollbooth. I will keep adding to this list until 11 p.m. on December 2nd. The list is currently open)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
The Road Less Travelled
Expecting to Expect
After Iris
Roadblocks and Roller Coasters
The Dragondreamer’s Lair
Into the Light Again
Baby Smiling in Back Seat
Desperately Seeking Baby
Life, Family and the Pursuit of Sanity
Wistfulgirl’s World

Not on the list and want to join? Drop me an email at thetowncriers@gmail.com. You can add yourself up until 11 p.m. on December 2nd.

How the book tour works:

(1) leave a comment or send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) saying that you’re interested in participating. I need your blog name, blog url, and email address.

(2) read The Phantom Tollbooth by December 2nd (or at least enough of it in order to ask a question to the group).

(3) create a single question that would kick off a discussion (in other words, any question that leads to more than a “yes” or “no” answer where someone can express their opinion) and mail it to me on December 2nd (or any time beforehand). I will send you a reminder email close to the date. Click here to see sample questions from tour #4.

(4) on December 4th, I will send you a list of possible questions. Everyone will choose 3 questions off the list and answer them in a blog entry.

(5) on December 7th, people will begin to post their entry. I will post a linked list of all the people putting up their entry that day so people can go around and read the entries and comment (start a discussion back and forth in the comments section). Reading the entries and commenting on the posts is the best part of the tour–by the end of the week, you should have a comment from every participant (and maybe even a few new permanent blog readers).