Category — Friday Blog Roundup

If you’ve got time to read, you’ve got time to write (it doesn’t quite have the same ring as “if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean”).  Right now, close this post, open your own blog and write your damn Project IF post!  There are only two more days.  Two days.

WAIT–I mean…after you read this…go and write your post.

And don’t worry about whether your post is gorgeous or eloquent or creative–it is about being real, and raw, and honest.  Every single person who writes an ALI blog has the ability to educate.  You do it every day.  You let people into your world every.damn.day (well, except for those of you who write once a month or so).  Open the door for a moment and say–even if it’s only one paragraph–what that “what if” means to you.  You don’t need to be fancy–you just need to be yourself.

Over 100 people are already on the list and it’s climbing.  Have you seen Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed’s video?  Or read the raw honesty of LutC’s post?  Mrs. Hope came out of hiatus to participate.

I keep hinting that you really really really want to be part of this project–that it’s not just something happening now that will be over at the end of NIAW.  That this project is something that is moving and traveling and influencing over the course of the next year.  You will want to be part of it.  I seriously can’t stress that enough.

And it also has to have an end date because Resolve is going to be choosing the Hope Award for best blog from the blogs that participate.  The list closes at 11:59 p.m. EST on May1st (Sautrday)–the end of NIAW.

So please, relax a bit more and hear about Charlie the caterpillar (so named after the man who owned the chocolate factory), and then, stop reading blogs and go write!

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When I went to pick up the twins from their grandparent’s house, I was told about the newest member of our family, a caterpillar named Charlie Sammy Ford.  My mother knows me–she raised me, speaks to me daily, and shares a People subscription with me.  But someone must have clocked her on the head and made forget everything she knows about my core personality traits because she HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT I’D LET THE TWINS BRING THE CATERPILLAR HOME.

This happened, by the way, the same day that I picked up a bottle of Raid’s new barrier spray.

I know caterpillars are not crickets, but frankly, they are a close relative and live in the same general vicinity as crickets.  Please, do not tell me about how you’d let people bring a whole caterpillar army into your house and feed them croissants at your kitchen table.  That is your house.  Mine is a caterpillar-free zone (thanks to the aforementioned Raid spray).

We left Charlie at my parent’s house, and my father emailed the twins updates about their pet caterpillar through the evening.  And I shuddered.  I just shuddered and shuddered.

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The Weekly What If: what if (disregarding all safety issues) you could have any animal in the world as a pet who would live in your house?  For the sake of this what if, let’s not get into an argument about how taking an animal out of its natural habitat is cruel.  Let’s pretend the animal would love it.  So would you want a dolphin swimming in the big pool you’d magically have in your kitchen?  A lion sleeping at the foot of the bed?  A monkey coming along on the family road trips?

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And now, the blogs…

The Road Less Traveled has a post about feeling invisible, in particular “the visibility of pregnancy versus the invisibility of loss and grief, the visibility of the childed versus the invisibility of the childless, the visibility of the young & beautiful (& presumably fertile) versus the invisibility of the aging (women in particular).”  She uses two other posts in the blogosphere to explore a feeling of invisibility as well as a discomfort of being in the spotlight.  It’s a really interesting read.

Maybe Momma Some Day talks about coming out about her infertility on Facebook and the virtual crickets she heard from the majority of her friends.  She writes, “There are about a half of a dozen friends who have commented, all showing amazing support, and everyone else has been silent.  I wasn’t really expecting a barrage of comments, but I was expecting more then I got.”  Coming out also means that she walks the fine line between scaring someone who hasn’t even started trying to death while helping them to understand why they shouldn’t waste time.

Moving on to the Next Plan has a post about two different instances where she cried.  The first, an off-hand, thoughtless joke brings her to tears and the second, the kindness of a parent who will do anything to help his child also makes her cry.  It’s a really lovely balance of both ends of an emotional see-saw.

Lastly, Expecting the Unexpected, has a post about helping a friend as only one who has been there in the deepest trenches can.  She talks her through the fears of her next IVF cycle.  Later in the post, she tells of something her friend’s friends did: “Her girlfriends took her out for a lunch a couple of weeks ago and called it her sending fertile wishes lunch which I loved, I mean what a great idea and to me that does show that they are thinking about her even if they fully don’t understand.”  I also loved that idea and tucked it into a mental pocket.

The roundup to the Roundup: for the love, go write your Project IF post!  Caterpillars…need I say more?  Answer the Weekly What If.  And lots of great posts to read.  Plus, I got to meet Little Steps to Baby Steps while she was in town this week!  Go give her good thoughts for the wait until her beta.

On Tuesday night, I had a dream that I came home and Josh told me (in the most matter-of-fact voice in the world), that Lindsay had made copies of our house key and sent it out to numerous bloggers.  I walked into the dining room and N from Two Hot Mamas was crouching by the art drawers, rifling through the reams of tissue paper (she promised me that J had a copy of the key too and would be around in a bit).  And then, with disbelief that Josh was munching on a sandwich while people took apart our house, I looked in the kitchen and saw Calliope RUBBING OUR DISHES WITH PORK WHILE SMILING MANIACALLY.  As if I would be thrilled to have the kitchen treyfed.

I woke up and turned on the computer and I shit you not, Julie had written to me about the dream she had that night:

I had a super-sweet dream last night with you in it!

I don’t remember a lot about it except that we were at some sort of seaside location.  You were walking ahead with ChickieWol and VogNob, and you were holding their hands.  Your mother (!) was walking with me far behind, and she took my hand and arranged it in a very particular position.  And then she said, “Look at Melissa.”  And I looked, and you were holding each child’s hand in exactly the same funky way.  Your mother said, “That’s just how I used to hold her hand when she was a girl.”

Aw!

I don’t know, it was just nice.  Nice to see you being the mom, nice to see your imaginary-entirely-in-my-head mom being touched by that, and nice to reflect, upon waking, on everything we bring to the table of parenting.

Anyone else?  Anyone?  Bloggers in your dreams?

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By now you know the second part of Project IF and the posts that have come in have been incredibly moving.  It runs through May 1st, the end of National Infertility Awareness Week, and I’d really love to hit at least 250 stories.

As I said over in my BlogHer post on NIAW:

The winner for this year’s Hope Award will be chosen out of this list. It gives Resolve a chance to narrow the playing field (there are over 2300 blogs in the adoption/loss/infertility community) while also giving people an easy way to participate in NIAW. Too many times, people want to be involved, but are unsure how to do something active during the week.

The blog posts contained on the list will also be presented to the media and lawmakers through Resolve’s advocacy work. Consider the list a doorway that those outside the experience can step through in order to have insight into the world of infertility. While individual stories may not be newsworthy, a critical mass of bloggers using social media for a cause is of note; there is strength certainly in numbers. This gives bloggers a chance to explain to the general public that there’s more to the news story than IVF as a panacea or whatever extreme case is being held up as the norm. That while there is a physical side of the diagnosis, there is a clear emotional side too.

The best part of this project is that it is open to everyone in the blogosphere–infertile or not. It is clear that those experiencing infertility have something to say about it, but with 7.3 million Americans diagnosed, chances are that your sister, your friend, your cousin, or your coworker is experiencing infertility. And you have a voice you can lend to the cause in order to help that sister, friend, cousin, or coworker. For everyone who wants to participate, Project IF is open until May 1st.

Damn there are a lot of indentations in this post.  But I thought those were thoughts worth repeating in case you missed them.

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The Weekly What If: If you suddenly had the money (and it was earmarked for this purpose) to purchase a vacation home, where would you buy it?  You would still need to keep your current residence and couldn’t live in this vacation home for more than a few weeks a year, so it would be a place to visit rather than a place to inhabit.

I’d pick a house in Chincoteague–close enough to not stress about how to get there, far enough away that it feels like a real vacation, beach, biking, great Vietnamese food…

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And now, the blogs…

Flotsam has a post about the draw of being anonymous on the Internet.  Starting with a story from the world’s creepiest ex-boyfriend (seriously, was he sitting online since the break-up waiting for her to come?), she points out that while there are benefits to being out online, there are also drawbacks to losing that anonymity, but in both cases, “The problem with these restrictions is that sometimes something comes along that falls outside them, but is so big that not writing about it feels like lying.”  What she tells is for the sake of filling in the gaps of the online record, and even without going into the specifics, she creates a little sigh of words, a pause for all to sit in for a moment and consider the fragility of marriage.

Our Incredible Journey has a powerful, raw post calling out those who judge without standing in her shoes.  About how community peels away when you have a special needs child.  She writes, “And you know what (it’s not a big secret!): Jack doesn’t know that he’s disabled. It’s the rest of the world that does. It’s their stigma that he faces.  And it’s wrong.”  I had chills reading the post.

Weebles Wobblog has a post about a session she did with a therapist.  Whether or not she actually got a glimpse of a past life in unimportant in the sense that this experience cleared the way for her current life to unfold.  A really powerful experience that will make you wish you could have a session with Ethel too.

Infertility Musings talks about a terrible evening she had this week.  I was drawn to her deep honesty, to placing her life bare on the figurative table and taking a deep breath in the process.  It is mostly about how men and women (or, actually, any two people) process their grief and stress differently.  It is about his reaction to her reaction.  And I hope they came to a place of peace.

Lastly, the Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow (I Hope) has a post about the repeating phrase, “I just don’t understand.”  It is an incredibly moving post; the internal scream that comes from deep grief.  And I don’t think you’ll be able to read it without crying, even knowing the other events that unfold over the rest of the week for her.

The roundup to the Roundup: weird dreams abound.  Please participate in Project IF and change the way the general public understands infertility.  Answer the Weekly What If.  And lots of great blogs to read.

Josh had to clean out his car before we traded it in at the dealership and in his scouring of all nooks and crannies, unearthed a CD I’ve been looking for since the twins were born (you’d think it would be easy to find something as large as a CD in a space as compact as a car, but alas, no).

It’s a mix I made called “Women Rock!” (get it?  It’s like…women rock because we’re so cool, but also women rock, as in “we rock-n-roll.”  I felt the need to explain that to you as if you were Josh and were not fully appreciating my witty mix CD title).  It starts with Carly Simon’s “Let the River Run.”

It’s asking for the taking.
Trembling, shaking.
Oh, my heart is aching.

We’re coming to the edge,
running on the water,
coming through the fog,
your sons and daughters.

Can you understand why I’m so excited to have this again?  Just for the hope that’s in her voice?  I couldn’t have found it at a better time.  It has a version of “Midnight Train to Georgia” performed by the Indigo Girls and Ani DiFranco and “Blossom” by James Taylor (he’s sort of like a girl…um…I don’t know how he ended up on this CD) and “Uncle John’s Band” sung by the Indigo Girls (the Dead version is one of my favourite songs of all times) and “Lilydale” by 10000 Maniacs.

Finding this CD made me give trying to restore another mix CD a final try.  I’ve been trying to get the music off this disc for years–it’s badly scratched and won’t play in the car anymore.  And I don’t have any of these songs elsewhere.  And miracles of miracles, I got it to work and saved it to my computer and burned a new, fresh copy for the car.  It starts with Mahalia Jackson singing “Wade in the Water” and it has a lot of the music we played at our wedding: “Marry Me” by Dolly Parton (um…yes…we did play that) and “I Love You Too” from Pete’s Dragon (I swear, we played more than one Pete’s Dragon song at our wedding).

We had all this good music, so it was time for a road trip.  Doesn’t good music make you want to drive?

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I have to admit that I thought maybe 100 people would participate in the first part of Project IF so I was blown away that more than 300 “what ifs” are on the list.  If you haven’t read the comments yet, you should take a quiet moment to do so.  It is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read.

The list isn’t closing completely, but Resolve and I are culling out 10 “what ifs” from whatever is on the list as of 11:59 p.m. tonight (going by the time stamp).  So this is your last chance if you haven’t added one.  On Wednesday, the 21st, you’ll find out the second part of the project in time for NIAW.

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The Weekly What If: What if you could fluently speak another language other than your primary language?  Which language would you choose and why?

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And now, the blogs…

I know this first one was from last Thursday, but since I read it on Friday, I’m counting it for this week (my blog, my rules).  Mrs. Spit has a post that meanders through numerous thoughts.  It is about everything and nothing.  And without being able to put my finger on why, I thought it was wonderful.  I am fond of tiny vignette posts.  And it is a deeply, brutally honest post, and reading that rawness is moving.

Single Infertile Female also has a post about the thoughts that flitted through her mind during an acupuncture session.  What I think is most notable is not only the calm conveyed in the post (despite the emotional thoughts), but the calm she admits she felt while she was thinking them.  And, of course, I had to crack up over, “I’m thinking it must have been the bum needles helping me keep my cool.”

Circus Children has a brief, but breathtaking post titled “Intruder.”  It is about the strangeness that exists, invisibly, amongst the normalcy.

The Lucky Life has a completely non-IF post that blew my mind about the time she spent in a coma.  What seeped into the unconscious state and what she missed.  I just found it a fascinating read.

Lastly, Are We There Yet? has a post about controlling her emotions since her son’s diagnosis, and how it is similar to years of infertility.  I love this thought: “I never got upset about the emotions I felt during our adoption and in-vitro fertilization journeys.  I just allowed myself to roll with the waves as if I were a surfer at the mercy of the tides.”  Read this post not just for the advice and amazing writing, but for the story she tells about the woman she meets at the zoo and the catharsis this stranger brings her.

The roundup to the Roundup: Mix CDs + good weather = road trip.  Last chance to add a “what if” for Project IF.  Answer the Weekly What If.  And lots of great blogs to read.

So…Project IF has been brewing for about five months.  I am so relieved we can all actually talk about it finally.

When we started planning Project IF, I was so focused on the logistics that I didn’t think about how hard I would cry reading down the list.  Reading other people’s fears.  Stating my own.  Reliving some that are past.  Thinking about ones I hadn’t considered.  It is a really powerful list.  I am incredibly moved by everyone’s participation.

The project has been a long time coming, though it has taken various incarnations over the last few months.  Some more expensive than others (um…sorry, Resolve, for suggesting that we lease elephants and parade them down to the Capitol with clever slogans about IVF coverage painted onto their hide.  I can see now that requesting that Independence Avenue be closed for the elephant parade just isn’t feasible).  And the ever brilliant and ever patient Rebecca Flick talked out each idea, helping this one come to fruition.

My hope is that–more with the second part (which will start April 21st, in time for NIAW)–that it changes the way the outside world thinks about infertility.  That they understand that there is a very real human with very large emotions on the other end of this situation.  Which is not to say that the obnoxious comments that run beneath every New York Times online story connected to infertility will instantly change to supportive and nurturing, but hopefully, it will help those who wish to understand have a window into the experience.  It will be a doorway for lawmakers, a doorway for friends and family, and a doorway for the newly diagnosed.  I cannot even tell you how moved I was by TexasHeather’s beautiful comment.  And hopefully, everyone will walk away feeling more connected with the realization that no one needs to be alone during this fight.

There are others out there who have your back.  Who understand as far as someone who has not lived your particular life can understand.

And I’m excited that they’re using Project IF to determine the Hope Award for Best Blog.  It was an amazing experience to get to go to the Night of Hope and receive that last year and I’m honoured to get to pass the accolades onto someone else.

You are definitely encouraged to add more than one “what if” if you are moved to do so.  The “what ifs” for the second part of this project will be chosen from those left in the comment section on the post.  So spread word; encourage others to place down their what ifs.  The list will remain open indefinitely, but the what ifs will be chosen from those left between the 7th and the 16th.

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I have been going through boxes at my parent’s house and in addition to a series of Ann Landers booklets and a stack of Onions from 1992–1996, I found three Guild report cards.  This one was the first one, from age 5.  I showed it to my mother and said, “this was the time I urinated in my underpants on the stage and started crying.”

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemories…

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The Weekly What If: What if you could relive a single day of your life?  You couldn’t change a thing about it–you would simply be playing out the script of what occurred that day.  Which day would you experience again?  Would you go for a random, ordinary day or something traditionally special such as a wedding day?

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Adventures in Infertility-Land has one of the most heartbreaking posts I’ve ever read.  It is a beautiful tribute to the child she was about to lose.  It begins, “I am not sure how to write you this letter, but I could not let you go without making sure you know how I feel about you.”  This is about a mother’s intense love; doing the only things she can for her child.  I was so moved by these lines: “Please, my little baby, never doubt my love for you and love of your daddy. I know he cannot talk to you like I can and cannot carry you around like me, but his love for you is just as strong. Right now, I feel like I need to speak for both of us, as I am not sure if feels ready to yet or knows what to say.”  Please go read the full post, but be prepared to cry with CGD.  And while you are there, please give her support.

Alex’s Adventures has a post about mouse IVF and it’s $138 price tag.  Seriously, isn’t it making you wonder if you could be rodentized?

I got all weepy reading this post by Creating Motherhood on W’s first birthday.  Maybe it’s because I’ve read Cali for years, back before W was conceived and now he is a year old.  W, for me, has stepped through the screen (okay, it’s more like he crawled through the screen), but even before that point, his birth was such a celebration.  So raising a glass to W, on the first anniversary of his birth.

Lastly, Fertility Challenged in Florida has a post about a girl at work who says crappy, judgmental things.  I love Barb’s take on whether gaining the empathy balances out the terribleness of going through infertility and depression.

The roundup to the Roundup: more on Project IF.  Darling little peeing Melissa’s piano report card.  Answer the Weekly What If about what day you would relive.  And lots of great blogs to read.

On Wednesday, we went to the Crayola Factory even though it really wasn’t on our way home.  We had a whole other trip planned to use up spring break and that got changed so Plan B was to choose something fun between New York and DC, hence how a trip to Crayola was spontaneously proposed and executed without actually looking online to see what a trip to Crayola entailed.  We like our vacations to have as much room for mishaps as possible.

When we set out for the factory (which is really more like a hands-on museum; by which I mean that it’s more like someone has given you free license to use a plethora of Crayola products and they will clean up the ensuing mess of crayon marks and scrap paper), it was grey and drizzly and it matched my mood.  I was all grey and drizzly and cried for a small part of the ride and then sniffled through a large chunk of the ride.  I was manatee.   But not the good manatee.  I was all the negative traits of manatee (just to be clear).

But something happens to you when you go into the Crayola factory, especially if you are a synesthete (which probably explains how I remember so much), in that my entire mood changed surrounded by so many great colours.  We watched crayons being made and drew pictures of princesses with melted wax and made strangely shaped hearts out of paper.  And then we headed to the Crayola store where I was confronted with this wall upon entrance and fell so deeply in love that I could have married the lobby.

By the time we left the store, the grey, drizzly morning had turned into a sunny, warm afternoon and I had this huge weight off my heart.  I was jazzberry jam.  The energetic version.  When we got in the car, all I could think was how my experience has been that taking the long way has always paid off with something so much better than I had imagined before I set out on the path.  I’m glad we took the long way yesterday in more ways than one.

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The Weekly What If: what if Crayola called you and told you that it was going to let you rename one of its current crayons.  (1) Which colour would you choose (state the old name) and (2) what would you name it, taking special care to choose something or someone meaningful to you.

I would take neon carrot and rename it ChickieVog after the twins.

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The new IComLeavWe list has opened for the month of April.

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And now, the blogs…

Waiting for Sunflower has a post about parenting after a long wait.  They are physically ready with all the baby accoutrement, but are they emotionally ready after eight years of building expectations?  I love this post because she balances her husband’s expectations with her own.  It is a beautiful, reflective, insightful little post.

Baby on Mind has a post about the emotions surrounding her canceled cycle.  She asks: “How does one grieve over the loss of a canceled IVF transfer?  I’ve grieved my BFN from my first IVF.   But how do you grieve the loss of embryos that stopped growing?”  It’s not a question with a clear answer, but I think in reading it, you may feel less alone with your own grief.

I Never Thought it Made Sense Anyway has a post about feeling unsettled on her one-year IVF anniversary.  She writes, “I am on edge and feeling burnt out.  I’m a lunatic with unfinished projects.  On occasion, I’ll just completely lose it with M because something wasn’t done the way I wanted.  I want to control everything and nothing.”  The feelings in the post are both familiar and unique at the same time.

I love this post from Adventures in Baby Waiting.  She has an amazing second mother.

Lastly, Semi-Fertile has a post about how the calendar is like walking through an anniversary minefield.  She explains, “Every time I start to heal emotionally from a miscarriage, I end up pregnant and going through it all all over again. Like fucking groundhog day. And now the calendar destroys me, because every month is something – a would be birthday. A loss anniversary. A pregnancy anniversary. Mother’s Day. Father’s Day. A veritable minefield.”  It’s a heartbreaking post, but it’s also an incredibly moving post.

The roundup to the Roundup: taking the long way can be a good thing.  Answer the Weekly What If.  New IComLeavWe list.  And great blog posts to read.