My grandmother was one of four sisters.  Their mother came to Ellis Island twice.  The first time, she apparently landed in New York, thought America was sort of feh, and turned around to go back to Europe.  Yes, that continent that my people were leaving in droves to escape the pogroms.  She returned again a while later and settled outside the city, giving birth to four daughters.  That is the stock I come from–a woman not only sassy enough to turn up her nose at a country that people were dying to get to (literally), but sassy enough to get home, CHANGE HER MIND, and return.  And while my generation cracks up over this fact, I think it speaks volumes that my grandmother didn’t find it the least bit strange.  “What?  She didn’t like it.  So she went back.  She’s entitled.  And then she changed her mind again.  What’s so funny about that?”

For over 80 years, the four sisters all lived within a town or two of each other.  They raised their children together who in turn raised their children–my generation–to form small sibling-like connections between cousins.  I have two sister-like cousins, one who went to graduate school with me and offered to kick the ass of a boy who upset me even though she’s a tiny thing and the other who lives close-by with whom I share a code word that we set back when we were kids just in case either of us were ever kidnapped and needed to communicate a secret message to the other OR if one of us suspected that the other had been replaced by an alien.  It worked either/or.

After I spoke to my actual siblings who were told about my grandmother’s death directly from our mother, I called my sister-cousins.  The first one answered and asked what was up.  I didn’t think it would be so hard to say aloud.  But I got it out the first time in a teary mess of words.  After a few minutes, we got off the phone so she could arrange to be there at the funeral.  I called the other and found myself unable to speak again.  She told me she would drive out to my house to be with me and I told her not to.  She told me she didn’t want me to be alone and I told her I wasn’t alone because Josh was home.  And then we bickered at each other like two old married ladies until I wailed apropos of nothing, “I feel like I’ve become untethered.”

And my sister-cousin, the only one of us who had already lost a grandmother, the first of the four sisters to go, told me simply, “that is exactly what it is like.  Untethered.”

I feel like I’m free-floating, while at the same time, I know they still have me.  I know that I will grow old with these women and our children will call each other to cry one day when we die.  We will pass along all the stories we know so they understand that they are part of something so much larger than their small nuclear families.  That we are descended from a line of women-in-charge, the sort who not only set the course of their own figurative ships, but the kind who take as many trips as they damn well please across the Atlantic.

******

Instead of differentiating between second cousin once removed and first cousin twice removed and great aunt through marriage, my sister-cousins and I call everyone in the top-most generational tier “grandma.”  We call everyone in my parent’s generation “aunt” and we call everyone in our generation “cousin” (unless it is the next generation referring to us in which my children refer to all the children in their generation as “cousin” and refer to my sister-cousins as their aunts).  Since there were four sisters who started this branch of the family, I called four people grandma and four people grandpa, and this fluidity of family meant that my sister-cousins met us at the graveyard, along with dozens of other aunts, uncles, and cousins, with matching red-rimmed eyes.

The service was the perfect combination of laughing and crying.  My grandmother was a saucy woman, a forward-thinker who wasn’t afraid to curse or sneak cigarettes in her bathroom when she was a teenager.  All the eulogies contained similar stories about her strong-will and tendency to speak her mind.  Words can’t really capture her; she was a force to be reckoned with who both drove me crazy and gave me such enormous love that it feels like a hole has been blown through me.

I really wish all of you could have met her.  She would have been tickled to know that so many people were reading about her and leaving comments this weekend.  And that is the saddest part of all.  I wish I had written about her years ago, printed out the comments and let her read them.  She would have told me, “you are cuckoo to get so emotional.”  She would have loved every second of reading those comments.

After my sister-cousin’s mother had tucked a tissue into my bra by reaching into my sweater, after we had played musical-holders with the twins, after my sister had clutched my hand and my niece had rubbed my hair and my aunt had gotten her hand out of my sweater long enough to hold me while Josh read my eulogy and my brother had made me laugh and sob through his, it was time for the actual burial.  Just as I couldn’t read my eulogy, I couldn’t bring myself to help with the burial either, so Josh flipped over the shovel and put in four sighs of dirt backwards to indicate his reluctance to see her go.  I went to the headstone with the twins and it seemed surreal to look at the box in the ground.  As if she wasn’t there at all.

I didn’t feel her presence as I had earlier in the week when I had made one of her recipes and lied to the twins telling them that their great-grandma had invented onion farfel.  Josh walked through the kitchen at that moment and said, “no, she didn’t.  Everyone knows how to make onion farfel.”  I repeated to the twins that my grandmother had invented onion farfel and I had the recipe written down in my notebook to prove it.  Because that was the sort of things my grandmother would do–lie about the invention of onion farfel and when challenged, call me a rotten egg.  I didn’t feel her presence in the graveyard as I had in the middle of the night when I bolted upright in bed and said goodbye to her.

My father took the twins back to the car, and my sister-cousins linked their arms through mine and said, “let’s go visiting” which is something we always do after a funeral since a large portion of our family is buried close to one another in the same graveyard.  We walked arm-in-arm just like the older generation of aunts and the ones beyond that; like three old ladies picking their way through the mud to place rocks on the tops of gravestones and touch everyone’s name.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about unused names and the one we had been holding in reserve was chosen to honour my sister-cousins’ grandmother even though she already has a child in the family named for her.  In the graveyard, the unused name frizzled and blew away with the wind, only to be replaced by a new name that I said aloud to Josh and he agreed was perfect for a future child.  It came so quickly to us that it felt a bit like a sign.

*******

After the funeral, we returned to my aunt’s house to sit shiva, my aunt of tissue-tucking fame, the one who had told my sister-cousin and I to get a code word just in case we were kidnapped and/or replaced by aliens (what, you thought we came up with that on our own?).

I sat with my siblings and some aunts and looked at pictures from when we were little, my grandmother’s face barely lined.  It felt surreal to look at her, and my mind can’t really get around the idea that she is gone.  Because she lived up in New Jersey and I only saw her every few weeks or months, it is easy to imagine that she is still waiting for one of our visits.  I mentioned to my mother that I had taken pictures of the twins for Halloween and said, “I’ll print some out and I’ll mail one to…”  I almost said grandma.

After I had found out where all my younger cousins were applying to college, after I had hugged my brother’s girlfriend and told her I would see her Wednesday, after my first sister-cousin promised to come visit in January and I told my second sister-cousin that I would see her ass back in Maryland, and pinched her daughter’s side as if she were my own child, and checked my bra for stray tissues, we got back in the car and drove in the dark the four hours home.

It feels like I am both here and not here.  As if I am existing on a strange plane, embodying string theory, straddling two side-by-side dimensions.  I am going to the supermarket and buying chicken for dinner.  I am typing up a blog post and cleaning the graveyard mud from my shoes.  I am trying to find an old photograph that my cousin wants that I know I have in a box upstairs.  And I am also somewhere else; somewhere hollow and brittle and I can’t believe that everyone else is moving around me as if nothing has happened.  This amazing woman is no longer here on earth except in the words “rotten egg,” the ring she gave me for my Bat Mitzvah, the recipe she invented for onion farfel.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

NaBloPoMo and IComLeavWe have joined together this month.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: November’s list is closed.  The December list will open around 11/29.
  
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. The Unfair Struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)
3. Elana’s Musings (twins, parenting, randomness)
4. No, I’m Not Pregnant, Just Fat (pcos, mfi, stress)
5. My Bumpy Journey (waiting, IF, life)
6. Production Not Reproduction (transracial open adoption)
7. Babymaking 101 (trying, partial mole)
8. Trying to Get Knocked up by Another Man (ivf, military, life)
9. Lifeslurper (IVF, DE, 40+)
10. Teddy Lifeslurper, ttc (humour, IVF, ttc)
11. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (ttc after losses, books, cooking)
12. Where the Green Grass Grows (infertility, family, foster care adoption)
13. Banking On It (diui #5, infertility, tww)
14. Mindful Meandering (adoption after IVF)
15. Circus Children (life, love, ivf)
16. Communique (life, infertility, ivf)
17. Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo (parenting twins, surrogacy)
18. IF Crossroads (IVF, endo, waiting)
19. End.ometriosis (endometriosis, infertility, children)
20. Wishing4One (ivf, craziness, egypt)
21. All Grown Up (domestic infant adoption, waiting, random)
22. Into The Light Again (marriage, hobbies, infertility)
23. Exploring Chaos (pregnancy, life, family)
24. Life Happens While You’re Making Other Plans (IVF, faith, family)
25. Wait, What? (IF, emotions, life)
26. From IF to When (infertility, IUI, life)
27. Hope in Virginia (pregnancy after IVF)
28. Dancin In the Rain (infertility, iui, faith)
29. Raining Raining (marriage, (in)fertility, life)
30. Our Little Family (infertility, adoption, family)
31. PCOS SOS (infertility, pcos, randomness)
32. Inconceivable! (ttc, infertility, family)
33. Once an Infertile (parenting after IF, TTC #2, life)
34. The Mis-Adventures of A Modern Day Farmer’s Wife (infertility on a farm)
35. So much for simple and easy (ivf, infertility, life)
36. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
37. Can I Get Some Sugar with These Lemons? (endo, infertility, IVF)
38. Body Diaries by Lucy (pregnancy, PCOS, IF)
39. Everyone Else But Me (ectopic, future cycle, emotions)
40. CD1 Again (infertility, ovulation, sadness)
41. IVF You! (ivf,cysts,waiting)
42. In Due Time (life, infertility, pcos)
43. Life by the Day (infertility, ivf, life)
44. Drive Fast. Take Chances. (mfi, diui, city life)
45. Getting There (infertility, adoption, life)
46. Sell Crazy Someplace Else (diui, weight loss, life)
47. Our Journey, but Not Our Plan… (FET, TTC, LAP)
48. Infertili- T & A (IVF, life, sass)
49. MoJo Working (marriage difficulties, infertility)
50. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters (parenting after IF, pregnancy)
51. A Greater Yes (infertility, embryo adoption)
52. A Baby 4 Al? (unexplained infertility, random, life)
53. Our Someday Family (MFI, testing, plan)
54. Waiting on baby Paramore (foster parents, adoption, biological children)
55. Looking for my Keys (infertility, special needs parenting, life)
56. Dreaming of Quiet Places (emotional abuse recovery, uncertain family-building future, my cute dog)
57. The Yerkes Life: Learning to Embrace G-d’s Plans (ivf, life, faith)
58. One Little Pink Line Short of Sheer Bliss (miscarriage, iui, ttc)
59. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
60. Return to Innocence (PTSD from IF, PPD, life)
61. Three is a Magic Number (in the beginning, male factor, life)
62. We got hitched. We bought the 4 bedroom house. Now what???(miscarriage infertility randomness)
63. Fertility Foibles (infertility, adoption, humor)
64. Wistfulgirl’s World (infertility, adoption, random)
65. Infertility and Me! (failed IVF, NHS clinics, TTC)
66. Got Love, Been Married, Now Where the Hell’s the Baby Carriage (pcos, mthfr, military)
67. Oven Seeking Bun (pcos, ttc#1, follistim)
68. Poor Lucky Me (humor, advice, life)
69. Parenthoodforme (adoption, infertility, coping)
70. Trying Again (infertility, hope, treatment)
71. Infertility Instability (PCOS, farming, family)
72. Romancing the Stone (ivf, newlywed, love)
73. The Conceivable Future (RPL, infertility, IVF)
74. (In)Fertile Myrtle (pregnancy, IVF, infertility issues)
75. Where the Wright Day Takes You (infertility, ttc naturally until $$ improves)
76. In G-d’s Hands (infertility, pcos, faith)
77. Searching for Freelance Success (writing, freelancing, publishing)
78. The Desire Of My Heart (miscarriage, depression, weight loss)
79. A + B, Waiting for C (just beginning, clomid, distractions)
80. Junebug’s Musings (infertility, weight, travel)
81. Donor Eggs Journey (donor eggs, IVF, Thailand)
82. Marla’z Austin Journey (unexplained IF, TTC, life)
83. IF You Only Knew (life, endometriosis, depression)
84. Ambivalent Womb (male factor, hope)
85. Melissa’s Life As She Knows It (infertility, ttc #1, clomid)
86. The Sun’ll Come Out, Tomorrow (I Hope) (miscarriage, TTC, marriage)
87. Are We There Yet (IVF, fibroids, Norway)
88. Nine Months (parenting, miscarriage, weight loss)
89. Wheresmy2lines (donor eggs, pcos, life)
90. Hoping For Another Little One (IVF, adoption, randomness)
91. My Stories (infertility, first IUI, life)
92. Beautifully Irrational (infertility, pcos, life)
93. An Infertile Blog (infertility, miscarriage, PCOS)
94. Infertility Ugh (infertility, marriage, relationships)
95. The Closet Infertile (infertility, IUI, planning for IVF)
96. Waiting for Sunflower (pregnancy, infertility, life)
97. Steps to Baby (infertility, decisions, life)
98. Infertility and Me (male factor infertility)
99. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (infertility, POF, Hashimoto’s)
100. My So-Called Life (childfree after infertility)
101. Sprogblogger (infertility, donor egg, food)
102. karlinda (open adoption, adoption process, veganism)
103. Hoping for a Baby (infertility, IUI/IVF, random thoughts)
104. Creative Joy stillbirth, faith, life
105. Inconceivable?! (moving forward, noa, d-iui)
106. All My Pecadilloes (IVF, MFI, Klinefelters)
107. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, life)
108. Slice of Pie (IVF, cooking, travel)
109. Hopes and Dreams for Us (endometriosis, randomness, weightloss)
110. Lullaby and Goodnight (baby, family, shopping)
111. Staying Focused (knitting, life, family)
112. Simple Sweet Inspiration (parenting, crafting, laughing)
113. Monique Renae’s Blogging More (life, humor, friendship)
114. Johannah the Smite Priest (world of warcraft, games, PC)
115. MetaMegan (parenting, food, humor)
116. Twenty-Four Seven {Auntie} (aunt, children, nanny)
117. Marketing Latinos (socmed, latinism, marketing)
118. Word Grrls (writing, creativity, arts)
119. Kel (photography, ADD, familylife)
120. We Are Made of Dreams and Bones (jewish, college, crafts)
121. Laurel Green (art, crafts, fun)
122. Rammi.glomp.me (personal, rants, randomness)
123. Mosker (life, home ownership, cooking)
124. strawberry fields forever (kids, relationship, everyday)
125. Misadventures with Andi (frenchie, food, movies)
126. drawntocatholicism (comic catholic diary)
127. The Purple Corner of Reality (home, crafts, books)
128. Presently DeMo (single life, learning something new)
129. Fading Ad Blog (fading ads, same-sex marriage, LGBTQ equality)
130. Dena’s Recipe Exchange (food, recipes, locavorism)
131. Geek With Kids (geek, father, family)
132. self respect of a nation (mythology, art, medicine)
133. Tracy’s Topics (dzp, life, conversations)
134. Forbidden Planet (short personal rambles)
135. Digital-Damita.Net (female, housewife, student)
136. Train Star (traveling by train)
137. Journey Through Infertility and TTC (infertility, TTC, baby)
138. Letters to My Unconceived Child (baby, infertility, love)
139. PandaBox33’s Blog (friendship, family, love)
140. Le Blog de Bazookah Joe: Tiraillee entre deux poles (bipolar, life, work)
141. On Tap for Today (life, humor, boston)
142. Tripletly Blessed (triplets, attachment parenting, jewish)
143. What Does Mike Think? (catholic, geek, pro-life)
144. PhD in Parenting (parenting, feminism, breastfeeding)
145. Lake Stitcher (stitching, family, music)
146. Inspiration from a Creative Mother (sons, activities, art)
147. Cynical Optimism (books, movies, life)
148. Maremagnum (pictures, travels, memes)
149. Pennies in a Jar (academia, books, life)
150. Welcome to my life (life, family, humor)
151. Utter Beginner (comics, religion, illustration)
152. zelda pinwheels flying circus (witty, sarcastic, single)
153. Just Jennifer (parenting, mom time, games)
154. The Secret Life of Sass and Lex (infertility, life, foster care)
155. One Tough vonCookie (grad school, poetry, life)
156. Just Because My Pickle Talks Does Not Mean I Am an Idiot (Asperger’s Syndrome, humor, children)
157. Crazy Runs Deep (infertility, conceiving, shock)
158. Curiosity Quotient (photography, business, books)
159. Flooded Lizard Kingdom (life, parenting, miscellany)
160. I Never Thought it Made Sense Anyway (infertility, miscarriage, moving forward)
161. Christian Momma (my two children)
162. Tiny Blessings (frugal, faith, crafts)
163. Being Jamie Lynn (infertility, emotions, ramblings)
164. You Must Take Your Chance (mid-life, poetry, hilarities)
165. These Days (kids, life, childhood abuse)
166. It’s called a varicowhat? (iui#2, mfi, life)
167. On Blogging Well (blogging, marketing, writing)
168. Rogozinski Clan (kids, parenting, renovations)
169. Wired For Noise (parenting, politics, planet)
170. My Walking Path (nature, poetry, green)
171. The Electronic Replicant (books, memes, random)
172. Littlestomaks (toddler, nutrition, recipes)
173. Yarn Yarns (yarn, knitting, fiber)
174. Visual Arts Junction (writing, photography, publishing)
175. Truth Will Bend (life, love, questions)
176. Ruminations (parenting, life, random)
177. Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic (infertility, PCOS, life)
178. Last American Girl Standing (TWW emotions, honesty)
179. Shannon’s World (causes, relationships, skin care)
180. Tripletly Blessed (triplets, attachment parenting, jewish)
181. Cats With Passports (ivf, immune issues, infertility)
182. No Lingerie Here… (pregnancy after m/c, PCOS, family)
183. My IVF Journey (ivf, infertility, miscarriage)
184. A Tale of 2 Monkeys (geek, baking, photography)
185. So much for simple and easy (life, infertility, work)
186. Opi’s Ramblings (life day zero)
187. Write, Baby, Repeat (adoption, infertility, writing)
188. My Little Drummer Boys (IVF twins, parenting, daily life)
189. Conception Deception (MFI, IVF, IVF failure)
190. offmymind.but from my heart (adoption, infertility, openess)
191. Enchilada Sunrise (knitting, bipolar disorder)
192. This is Worthwhile (sahm, life, self)
193. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, life, ttc #3)
194. Amelia Sprout (life, parenting, weight)
195. YourGreatLife (fertility coaching, self-belief, women)
196. November’s list is closed.  The December list will open around 11/29.

Q: What if I miss a day?
A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?
A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?
A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is cranberry, the next month it will be red, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?
A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?
A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours).

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?
A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?
A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

In honour of the month of November, NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) and IComLeavWe (International Comment Leaving Week) are joining forces to take over all of your free time.  It makes perfect sense–join NaBlo and post daily on your blog so you have great content in place for when IComLeavWe rolls around towards the end of the month and people can come by and leave loads of comments.  See, two great tastes that go well together.

Wait, what is NaBlo?  It’s a project where participants commit to posting daily for an entire month.  November is themeless, so it’s up to you to decide what you want to tell the world.

And what’s IComLeavWe?  It’s a commenting extravaganza that takes place monthly between the 21st–28th.  Sign up and commit to leave 6 comments daily and hopefully collect more than that from other participants in return.

So join up with NaBlo this month and make the commitment to post daily in November and join up with IComLeavWe this month and collect great feedback on your thoughts.

And kiss your free time goodbye, but make lots of great connections and hopefully pick up new readers in exchange.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought to myself, my grandmother is dying right now.  And I had the strongest feeling that if I wanted to tell her something in that moment, she would be able to hear me, so I spoke to her in the middle of the night.  This morning, my mother called to tell me that my grandmother had died in the middle of the night last night.  But I already knew.  It was around the same time that I bolted up awake.

After calling two of my cousins, who are more like sisters, I wrote something to read at the funeral.  This is my favourite story about my grandmother and you need to know that she called me her rotten egg and I loved being called this.  It started when I was little and her feisty-ness was one of the first things to go a few years ago, but I loved it when she could muster up calling me this nickname when I did something stupid such as forget to bring pants.

One time, I drove home from graduate school with a friend. When we hit Hartford, I realized I had forgotten my clothing and we had to drive back up to Massachusetts, grab my clothes, and hit the road again. I called my grandmother to tell her that we’d be late for lunch and she sighed as if this was par for the course for her Rotten Egg. When we got there, she fed us–she always made me buttered noodles–and we chatted at the dining room table.

“Do you have a beau?” my grandmother asked J–.

“I do, Grandma,” my friend told her. “But I’m a lesbian. Her name is G–.”

Grandma clapped her hands in happiness and grabbed J–‘s arm. “I have always said that women bring everything beautiful to a relationship. With my husband, it was always me–I brought the beauty, the small details. What I don’t understand are gay men. There’s no one there to bring the pretty. But with two women, it must be wonderful all the time. Is it? Is it wonderful and beautiful all the time?”

J– laughed and looked at me, not understanding that I had the sassiest, most headstrong, tell-it-like-it-is, decades-before-her-time grandmother. That if my grandmother were a shoe, she would be a steel-toed doc marten. If my grandmother was a drink, she’d be gin. That my grandmother gave me the advice to take a boy on a test-drive before you married him. That while she was a product of her generation, she was also marching to her own drummer loud and clear in terms of her opinions and thoughts.

“It is beautiful,” J– agreed.

“Women, you laugh with them, you pee with them,” my grandmother mysteriously and famously said, and to this day, I never knew exactly what she meant by that statement, but her love of the sisterhood, her sassiness, her stamina, her broadness–these are the traits I hope I’ve learned as her Rotten Egg.

I love you, Grandma.

The cons of having H1N1: you have H1N1.

Trying to find the silver linings:

1. Since the illness prevented caffeine consumption and I went through all the pain of caffeine withdrawal, I’ve decided to resume my habit at a paltry 16 ounces a day.  This feels so much healthier–like I traded Marlboro Reds for Camels.
2. Since I threw up for five straight days and lost all that weight, I might as well ride this weight loss leg-up to try to get rid of those extra fifteen pounds I’ve been carrying around (fuck the freshman 15.  I have the fertility 15 and it’s all front and center).  Considering this weight loss attempt much more successful from last spring since I start out of the gate five pounds lighter.
3. I never have to wash my hands again.  I can touch surfaces and lick myself, at least until this strain mutates.  Our family moves with confidence through anxious crowds of people.  We laugh at those who wait in long lines for the vaccine.
4. Sexy raspy voice.

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If you would like to hear said raspy voice (which is, actually, quite sexy right now), you will be able to on November 5th because I am going to be at an event that is going to be web-cast.  I was a judge for the In the Know Short Film Festival and got to see all of the films and narrow it down to three finalists along with the other judges.

The films are being screened on November 5th at a live event and they’re showing it on the web, right here, at 8 p.m. (EST) on November 5th.  Please watch.  And tell me how slim I look in black.

Carol Burnett always ended her show by tugging her ear.  It was a silent gesture to recognize her grandmother and tell her that all was okay.  Let’s pick something for me to do during the web cast that is a shout-out to all of you.  Please don’t suggest that we make this movement me grabbing my breast.  I’m trying to be a grown-up, people.

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The Weekly What If: What if you could be chosen to act in any existing television show, movie, or play.  Which one would you pick?  Would you want a small walk-on role, or takeover one of the main parts?

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I didn’t get to do things that bug me because I realized I would mess up the chain if I put mine in the comments.  So things that bug me:

1. When people invite along another person without first asking the person they originally had plans with.  Maybe I had something I needed to talk about and now I can’t in front of the add-on person.  It doesn’t bother me to have more people there if they asked first; it’s when they invite and just expect that it’s okay.
2. People talking about changing plans once plans have already been decided upon.  Josh always jokes that if I am told that I am about to be smacked in the face and I prepare myself, I would rather have the person smack me in the face than change the plans on me.  Once I make a decision, I stick with it, even if it isn’t the most convenient, perfect plan.  I just make my decisions work rather than constantly reexamining it after making it.
3. People who don’t take the pull-through (yes, Josh, I’m talking about you).
4. Comment spammers (seriously, I get about 75 spam comments caught by Akismet per day) and PR people who write to tell me that my readers would love to hear about their new pregnancy belly band!  I know all I have to do is hit delete, but it’s still annoying.
5. When people put paper advertisements in the crack of our door so it falls to the ground when I try to open the door and then I have to crumple it up and recycle it and grumble about how we’re destroying the planet.

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And now, the blogs…

My Scar Smiles at Me has a post in three parts.  It begins with her lack of desire to move to Italy.  She writes: “I know that it would likely be bad to spend the next few months dwelling on how much I do not want to go.”  It continues into a dilemma about leaving a job, and in the end, comes around to the meat of the post which is about feeling on the outside of things.  She admits: “Because of this, I feel a bit removed from some of your stories– both those of you who are parenting/pregnant and those of you who are trying.   I feel a bit detached from the place I live because I fear that I am leaving it.”  I love this post because she describes so well those moments that come before big change and you feel as if you are right beside her, sighing in unison.

The Journey to 40 and Beyond has a post about CASA training for her foster placement.  She states that “I have realized through CASA training that a child’s past really wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. My thoughts have been preoccupied by our lives together once we have a child.”  It is an eye-opening post in general about the process, but it is also an honest and heartfelt post on the micro-level.

Tales of a Batty Nurse has a post about how words can hurt.  Or rather, it’s not just about the fact that words can hurt, but how this knowledge has informed how Battynurse will be as a mother in the future and what she’ll teach her children.  A beautiful post.

The Other Shoe has a tale of two daughters-in-law.  This post twists at the end and the two DILs–the one she could have been and the one she is, is taken to a different level.  It’s a story of difficult relationships and coveting a connection that is seemingly impossible to make under the circumstances.  Well-written, and I’m sure many will relate.

Lastly, Twangy Pearl has a post about the silent answers to asked questions.  It’s not that the questions are so out-there, and the stammering answers will be very familiar, but it’s her great writing that made the post fantastic and I love the statement at the end: “I have been brainwashed to be nice (at the expense of honesty, clearly) and I just can’t break out of it.”

The roundup to the Roundup: The good things about having H1N1.  Watch the web-cast on November 5th.  Answer the Weekly What If.  Things that bug me.  And lots of great posts to read.