I blogged about the new blood test designed to predict when you will go into menopause over at BlogHer, and while there are still kinks to work out and more studies to be done for the test, the doctor who created it has been able to predict within a four month window when you’ll start experiencing–I’m assuming–those first symptoms of menopause (since, as we all know, menopause doesn’t happen in a day, but instead, is a long denouement).

I’ve been struggling with the idea of whether my 20-year-old self would want to know–whether it would have been more pressure in an already pressure-filled world; if it would have made me make terrible decisions, feeling it selfish to not try to procreate even if it wasn’t the right time.  And at the same time, I know I sometimes need deadlines to goad myself into action.  As I agreed in the comment section–the 36-year-old Melissa knows it would probably be best to avoid the test based on my obsessive tendencies.  But she would never be able to talk the 20-year-old Melissa away from that information.

And, at the end of the day, it only looks at one reason you might have trouble conceiving.  It doesn’t consider any other factors causing infertility.

The Weekly What If: if you were 20-years-old and had the opportunity to take this test for free, would you opt to find out the date (within a four-month window) of when you’d be entering menopause?  How would you use the information if you found out you were going to enter menopause at 25?  How would it have changed your life if you knew you weren’t going to enter menopause until 45?

*******

It’s July 4th this weekend and we’re spending it cleaning out the basement storage room.  We have been gutting the house of clutter for the past few months and a lot of things have trickled down to the storage room with the promise that we’d deal with them in the future.  It is now, apparently, the future, since the storage room has become unusable.  It’s pretty much impossible to enter it by this point.

I’m in a place where I feel emotionally ready to part with old papers and items.  Let’s see if I still feel that way by Sunday night.

*******

And now, the blogs…

Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here has a very emotional post about ending treatments.  While she cries and rails and ultimately comes to a place of peace, balancing out the positives are the negatives, including the heartbreaking question: “I don’t get to see what wonderful person tBG and I would have made. Where is that dark-haired, clever little baby?”

A tiny post by BigP and Me in the moments prior to learning the fate of the cycle, Heather admits that she can see the invisible positive on every negative test.  And that line just struck me with such force that I returned to read it dozens of times.

Waiting Lisa has a post about the way she is treated when she is watching children vs. when she goes out alone.  She writes, “When we are out, people assume they are my kids. It’s been a while and I forgot what it is like to walk around in the world giving off the impression that you have children.   People are nicer to you. They make eye contact with you and smile.  It’s like there is a secret society of moms. They acknowledge each other.”  It’s a wistful and honest post.

Lastly, Believing in June has a post about how infertility seeps into every aspect of your life as well as why she wants to switch clinics and how far she’s willing to go financially to build their family.  It is a simple post that floats from topic to topic, landing on each one just long enough to closely examine it and move on.  And I liked how deeply she unpacked why she does the things she does.

The roundup to the Roundup: would you want to know when you are entering menopause (in other words, answer the Weekly What If)?  Cleaning out the storage room this weekend.  And lots of great posts to read.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: the list is now closed.  The August list will open on 8/1.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Parenthood for Me (infertility, adoption, coping)
3. My Infertility Woes (infertility, losing weight, support)
4. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
5. Your Great Life (infertility support, self-belief, decision-making)
6. Weebles Wobblog (open adoption, mindfulness, perfect moments)
7. Can I Get Some Sugar with These Lemons? (Korean adoption, infertility, grief)
8. ErnieGirl (pregnant infertile birthmother)
9. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
10. Our Little Family (emotions, TTC, family)
11. A Half Baked Life (pregnancy after loss, food, yoga)
12. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (POF, advocacy, adoption)
13. His & Her Infertility (Just Like The Matching Towels) (PCOS, azoo, international adoption)
14. Infertility And Me (male factor infertility)
15. Baybee Luv (single student mother)
16. Baby Dreams (TTC#2 with PCOS after loss, my son, life)
17. Dreaming of Quiet Places (emotional abuse recovery, ponderings, my cute dog)
18. Ambivalent Womb (mfi, ivf #2,hope)
19. The Subfertile Frugalista (pg after loss, 3rd trimester, shopaholic)
20. Life in the Last Frontier (PCOS, adoption, life)
21. Not a Fertile Myrtle (azoo, pcos, endo)
22. We Got Hitched. We Bought the 4 Bedroom House. Now What??? (twin pregnancy, life, randomness)
23. MoJo Working (infertility, marriage, loss)
24. Waiting Lisa (domestic adoption, waiting, infertility)
25. Mommy ‘Hood (life, love, babies)
26. My Lovely Lady Bump (newly pregnant, fear)
27. Believing in June (marriage, hope, IVF)
28. Are We There Yet? (pregnancy, travel, post-fibroid removal surgery)
29. Oven Seeking Bun (pcos, endometriosis, iui)
30. An AZ Mom (PCOS, parenting, photography)
31. A Nuttier Life (TTC, randomness, crazies)
32. Me Plus One (single, ttc, iui)
33. Journey of Hope (faith, secondary infertility, waiting)
34. Chasing Mommyhood (single, iui, endo)
35. Getting There (adoption, life)
36. Beyond The Brick Wall (mfi, marriage, life)
37. IF Crossroads (pregnant after IVF)
38. The Infertility Overachievers (secondary IF, IVF, son)
39. Enchilada Sunrise (fibrecrafts, bipolar, life)
40. Surviving the Secondary Infertility Madness (secondary infertility, pcos)
41. The Miss Ruby (life after ttc)
42. Misconceptions About Conception (unexplained IF, TTC over 35, feelings)
43. Trying Not to Scream (infertility, loss, life)
44. Show your AMOR (choice mom, baby)
45. My Ordinary Miracles (success after infertility, toddler, twins)
46. The 2 Week Wait (infertility, pregnancy, polyp)
47. Our Journey, but Not Our Plan (adoption, miscarriage, immune)
48. Once an Infertile (parenting after IF, TTC again, uterine rupture)
49. The Gibson’s (love, hope, infertility)
50. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (pregnant after losses, vacation, cooking)
51. Attempting to love life without her (infant loss, foster/adoption, faith)
52. Someday (azoos, waiting, strength)
53. Evie’s Epic (pcos, infertility, life)
54. PandaBox33’s Blog (Quebec, life, relationships)
55. CD1 Again (infertility, doctor appointments)
56. Kir’s Corner (twins, infertility, marriage)
57. Cradles and Graves (IVF, cord-related losses, endo)
58. Finding Her Way (infertility, fundamentalism, life)
59. Random Thoughts from Angie (ttc, life, family)
60. The (In)fertility Diaries (adoption, TTC, life)
61. Adoption Journey (adoption, motherhood, infertility)
62. Strange Girl, Strange World (life, preemies, kids)
63. Gas Passer aka UUer (unicornuate uterus, anesthesia, frozen embryo transfer)
64. Hormonal Egg Basket (IVF, family, patience)
65. Mama Bear (pregnancy, adoption, ttc)
66. Find Joy Now (infertility, life, adoption)
67. Relaxing Doesn’t Get You Pregnant (silly, secondary, slightly crass)
68. Barrenista (barren, adoption, fancy cupcakes)
69. Holymoly Toledo(s)! (twins after IF, photography, life)
70. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, life, IVF #5)
71. Lil Family Blog (motherhood, lesbian, adoption)
72. Infertili- T & A (fostercare, ART break, sass)
73. Mommy in Waiting (ivf, mfi, hope)
74. The Road Less Traveled (infant loss, IVF, grief)
75. The Daily Miracle (secondary infertility, optimism)
76. A little blog about the big infertility (ectopic/loss, infertility, domestic adoption)
77. Spermination Station (ivf, photography, mental health)
78. Lifeslurper (over 40, donor eggs, Australia)
79. Time Well Wasted (infertility, 2ww, life)
80. Shirley Goodness and Mercy will follow? (IUI #1, recurrent miscarriage, hope?)
81. Another Barren Blogger (infertility, iui, ttc#1)
82. Blogging MoRe (life, marriage, everything)
83. Every Now & Then (marriage, kids, autism)
84. You found what in there?!?! (pregnancy after loss)
85. Our Incredible Journey (adoption, special needs)
86. StudenRnTiffany (pregnancy, incompetent cervix, bedrest)
87. Please Let This Be It (pregnant after IVF)
88. A Tale (of the Trials and Tribulations) of Letting Go (parenting, letting go, pregnancy loss)
89. I Spy A Family (adoption, motherhood)
90. My Cheap Version of Therapy (pcos, infertility, weightloss)
91. On Tap for Today (life, humor, boston)
92. Back Into the Fire (foster care, adoption, infertility)
93. PeaceBegan (faith, loss, life)
94. Whitney & Erick – Our Home on the Web (infertility, miscarriage, my dogs)
95. A Year Of Hope (infertility, infant loss, adoption)
96. The Rocky Road to Motherhood (infertility, ivf, life)
97. The Panda Diaries (pregnancy, anxiety, art)
98. A Greater Yes (embryo adoption, pregnancy, faith)
99. Infertility Unexplained (unexplained infertility, family, treatment options)
100. Ready To Be A Mom (IVF/FET, miscarriage, hope)
101. Tales of My Follies (follistim, waiting, day to day things)
102. HimPlusMe (infertility, pcos, life)
103. Are You Listening (mommyhood, life, marriage)
104. All Grown Up (domestic infant adoption, new Mom, random)
105. Dear Stevie… (stillbirth, grief, hope)
106. The Unfair Struggle (mfi, speedskating, strength)
107. The Unicorn and I (unicornute uterus, single)
108. Maybe Baby . . . (or maybe the loony bin?) (infertility, IVF, hope)
109. Hope Is A Four Letter Word (infertility, IUI, anovulation)
110. The Dreamer and The Realist (bitching, hubs, life)
111. Fertility Lab Insider (navigating infertility treatment)
112. In The Middle With You (infertility, adoption, random thoughts)
113. Iscrap and co. (scrapbooking, trip, friends)
114. The Bushey Life (ttc, life, infertility)
115. The Fertilely-Challenged Black Sheep (ttc, infertility, life)
116. Blawnde’s Blawg (infertility, next step, RE)
117. Leave It To the Beavers (TTC, PCOS, life)
118. Hope Is Ours (azoospermia, IVF, adoption)
119. Oh My Aches and Pains! (cancer survivor, chronic illness, infertility)
120. Fertility Foibles (infertility, adoption, humor)
121. A Virtual Hobby Store and Coffee Shop (prayer, news, food)
122. I Will Be A Mom … Someday (pregnancy after infertility)
123. Waiting for a Baby Bump (male factor infertility, IVF, TTC)
124. Waytoomuchinformation (genetic testing, ivf, depression)
125. This non-American Life (expat life, Germany, travel)
126. Inconceivable!? (loss, FET, NOA)
127. Write, Baby, Repeat (adoption, infertility, donor eggs)
128. Wheresmy2lines (pregnant after IVF #7, triplets)
129. A Summers Thoughts (newly pregnant after infertility)
130. An Unexpected Life (adoption, infertility, life)
131. Chois-R-Us (infertility, adoption, life)
132. Where the (w)right day takes you (ttc 3yrs, unexplained infertility, jealousy)
133. Wanna Bee (adoption, loss, craftiness)
134. Beauty for Ashes (infertility, domestic transracial adoption)
135. Communique (life, infertility)
136. Fearlessly Infertile (IVF, military, PCOS)
137. Infertility Musings (iui, post fibroid removal, hope)
138. Searching for the Missing Piece (repeated IVF failure, unexplained, PCOS)
139. Cherish This Baby (PCOS, secondary infertility, faith)
140. He Calls Me Momma (unexplained secondary infertility, faith, family)
141. Everyone Else But Me (FET, pregnancy, future)
142. Going For It (failed IVF, faith)
143. Grief, Interrupted (grief, acceptance, connection)
144. Waiting For Our Miracle (infertility, PCOS, IUI)
145. Keeping my eyes on Jesus (infertility, miscarriage, faith)
146. Life in the White House (donor sperm, parenting, life)
147. Off to see the Wizard (secondary IF, IVF, ectopic)
148. Dude, Where’s my Baby? (infertility, injectibles, iui)
149. Our Little Pebbles (twins, IF, life)
150. Looking for my Keys (upcoming ivf, life)
151. Baby On Mind (TTC#1, IVF, unexplained)
152. A Little Bit of Life (pregnancy after infertility, clomid, marriage)
153. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, parenting after 40)
154. Surprised By Hope (open transracial adoption)
155. It’s Always Raining (ttc, fost/adopt plans, life)
156. 30 Minute Dinner Party (food, entertaining, international)
157. Infertile Follies (infertility, IVF, ectopic pregnancy)
158. Lily in the Valley (infertility, marriage, stepparenting)
159. The Barreness’s Blog (parenting after infertility)
160. Confessions of an Infertile Shopaholic (infertility, PCOS)
161. We Wait in Joyful Hope (adoption, infertility, waiting)
162. The Ros’ Bowl (pregnancy after infertility)
163. The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow (I Hope) (recurrent miscarriage, marriage, coping)
164. No Suzy Homemaker (ivf, babyloss, life)
165. She Smiles At The Future (infertility, adoption waiting, domestic life)
166. Semi-fertile (miscarriage, hope, evolution)
167. Missing Baby Carriage (infertility, pcos, iui)
168. Sister Village (community, friendship, life)
169. The Truth Is Out There (pregnancy after infertility)
170. Venting Vagina (FET, hope, LOL)
171. LIfe: Chats and Rants (life, inferility, PCOS)
172. From IF to When (infertility, waiting, life)
173. I Get Knocked Down (infertility, ivf, endometriosis)
174. Cape Girl’s Journey (pregnancy, IVF, stillbirth)
175. InDueTime (infertility, life, pcos)
176. Wistfulgirl’s World (ttc, RE visits, random)
177. Conception Deception (failed IVF, therapy, adoption)
178. What Would Jen Do (life, marriage, dogs)
179. My Camo Kids: An Army Wife Life (army, family, deployment)
180. Mission: Motherhood (ectopic, miscarriage, random)
181. Little Steps to Baby Steps (IVF #3, miscarriage, god)
182. The Journey of a Lifetime (baby, ttc2, everyday stuff)
183. Chapman Journey to a Baby (infertility, adoption, life)
184. the list is now closed.  The August list will open on 8/1.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is yellow, the next month it will be green, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes at 11:59 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

Jezebel had a post about the dismissive phrase: “she just wants attention” (or “she’s just doing it for attention”) and how we apply it to problems.

Gender becomes such a vital part of how we judge others…It has to be realized that if a woman or girl is upset about something, it’s not just because she wants attention. And if she does want attention, maybe it’s because she wants care. Is that something to dismiss? What happens when we do dismiss it? I’m not sure I want to know.

The post rambles about but at its core is the idea that we withhold sympathy based on an ever-changing definition of worth.  That one girl starving herself has anorexia and that another girl starving herself is “just doing it for attention.”

I’ve noticed it in the blogosphere as well.  People will rally around one blogger telling her tale–her problems are real!–and dismiss another as just attention-seeking.  One person, we cluck around.  The other, we think the proverbial “suck it up!” (or, even worse, say it).

How does one decide what is sympathy-worthy?

At the beginning was a small world and at the end was a small world and in between was an adventure that took us on flying elephants past pirates until we were left, fairy-dusted and wish-drenched.

*******

We went to Disney World last week.  We saved for two years and the final amount came from selling our baby stuff, so in the spring, Josh and I booked four tickets to Orlando, reserved a room at a hotel, and purchased five days worth of park passes.

Going to Disney World sort of feels like a giant game of double dutch where you need to time it perfectly or you get caught up in the ropes.  Go too early and you need to navigate strollers and naps.  Go too late and you miss that stage where your child believes that they are meeting real princesses.

Because our children believed they were meeting real princesses.  They stood speechless in front of Aurora and bowed for Belle and they hugged Tigger and Winnie the Pooh and told Mickey that they loved him.  I was terrified that we’d miss this window, bring them to the Magic Kingdom when they were already peeling back the edges of myth and closely examining its contents.  But we slid in under the wire and I cried watching them meet each character for the first time, going up to Mickey and Minnie after they moved on to Donald and Goofy to whisper a grateful thank you.

It’s not just gratitude at instilling a sense of magic into a turbulent and terrifying world–it’s the fact that I never thought I’d see my children meet Mickey and Minnie because in those darkest moments, I never thought I’d have children to bring to Disney World.

We went to the park while doing treatments and while watching the Spectromagic parade, Fauna saw me crying and touched her heart and then waved her wand directly at me and I made the same wish I had been making on every star, penny, and railroad crossing.  The twins know this story, believe their entire existence hinges on this moment of magic, and I allow them to believe it because why not cement the idea that the impossible can sometimes be possible?  Why not raise the next inventor or artist or dreamer?

The Spectromagic parade was bumped out of the night line-up this summer in favour of the old Electric Main Street Parade.  We lined up in Liberty Square over an hour before it was set to begin, eating lollipops and musing about which characters we’d see on the floats.  A little after 9, the lights dimmed through the park and the electronic voice announced the start of the parade and the street was filled with thousands of tiny lights.

[audio:https://www.stirrup-queens.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Disneyland-s-Main-Street-Electrical-Parade-Music.mp3]

It was like the twins returning to the time before they were egg meeting sperm, when they were just a wish thumping against the ventricles and atriums of their parents’ hearts.  I kept whispering, “this was how it happened.  This is really magic.  I was given a wish and you came true.”

As Cinderella’s fairy godmother was about to pass, I blew her a kiss and she blew a kiss back and waved her wand at me and I made a new wish and said to Josh, “I can’t believe that I am so lucky that it could happen twice–that I was picked out of the crowd and she waved her wand RIGHT AT ME.”  And he pointed out that I am the only woman sitting in the crowd with tears streaming down my face, who is so obviously desperate for a wish, who will believe that a woman in a costume has the power to change my life.

And I do.

I didn’t really need to worry about the twins aging into cynical doubters; I’m 36 and obviously still believe that wishes can come true.

*******

I have one wild child and one mild child.  One wanted to ride the People Mover on a continual loop.  The other wanted to go on roller coasters and the Haunted Mansion.  We moved them through the rides as if it were a military maneuver, grabbing Fast Passes and plotting out trails through the parks on slips of paper.  We sucked the marrow out of every park, staying well-past human endurance petered out, leaving each night damp and limp.  At home, they go to bed at 7 p.m.  At Disney, they were wide-eyed and manically riding Winnie the Pooh’s honey pot at 10 p.m.

We shut out the rest of the world while we were down there.  I sometimes checked my blackberry when I was emailing out another picture of them in front of a particular landmark; I vaguely knew what was happening with friends and family, the rest of the world.

But frankly, the rest of the world feels too huge and damaging.  We created this little cocoon where the largest travesty was that Chip and Dale thwarted us five times (five times!  Seriously–we met Mickey twice and we couldn’t get a picture with chipmunks even once).  In the real world, there were hurt feelings and losses and frustrations and problems that needed solving.  In Disney, we pretended that life was just one happy boat ride down the Kali River.

It is hard to leave that bubble of magic, where things feel safe.  Not just in the gritty, danger-laden sense of the world–Disney truly feels as if nothing bad could ever happen there–but that the world is designed only to bring you light and happiness.  When we told a cast member that we had been thwarted five times by Chip and Dale, he let the twins pick out shiny pins as a consolation prize.  Where in the real world does that happen?  Where your feelings are so carefully considered, where someone listens to your tale of woe and then tries to make it better.  There are no shrugged shoulders at Disney, no dismissing your needs.  If they could do something about it, they did do something about it, and that is an element sorely lacking sometimes in my life.

Lindsay took us out for ice cream when we got back and we sat on a bench in the park while our husbands ran the kids ragged (fine, the ChickieNob was already ragged from lack of sleep and sat on a swing and cried).  It was a hard landing returning home.  Friends who listen are like receiving a pin after missing a chipmunk for the fifth time.

It is both good and terrible to be back.

Final week to participate in BlogHer’s $100 gift card sweepstakes over here.  All you need to do is click over, read my blatherings, and then answer the question to be entered.