Yesterday was Mr. Whiskers’ birthday (he of earectomy fame) and we–of course–had to throw him a party.  Mr. Whiskers loves Wii, so we had to include some Wii.  Mr. Whiskers loves chocolate chip cookies, so–naturally, like all inanimate objects–he deserves freshly-made chocolate chip cookies.  And lastly, Mr. Whiskers requested crepes for dinner.

I forgot to mention that Mr. Whiskers actually went through a name change several months ago, and even though I still call him by his original moniker, his new name is actually Cuddle Bumps.  Which makes Josh and I whisper to each other, “oooh, I got to second base when I touched her cuddle bumps!” and “it was so cold in the room that I could see her cuddle bumps through her shirt.”

Cuddle Bumps has a twin sister whose name is Cuddlelove Bumps.  What sort of cat parents name their children Cuddle and Cuddlelove?

So it was Cuddle and Cuddlelove’s birthday yesterday and we had a party for them complete with presents and the aforementioned crepes and chocolate chip cookies.  AND we had to sing “happy birthday” to them separately because for the love, the Bump siblings are twins and there are sensitivity issues about sharing the spotlight.

So, in summary, the reason I got crap done yesterday was that I had to throw a party for two inanimate objects–one missing part of an ear and both with porn-y sounding names–that included crepes and games and cookies and presents.

I quake in fear of the upcoming August birthday of Rita, the My Little Pony, and what that horse is going to expect me to do in the name of imagination.

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The Weekly What If: if you could only save one item from childhood, which one would it be: a single class picture (name the grade and why), a favourite stuffed animal (name the stuffed animal and why), or an outfit (describe it and why)?

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I’m not sure why I felt the need to describe myself as a werewolf in the head shot post, or why women constantly dismiss their looks.  The reality is that I don’t look like the Melissa in those pictures 99.5% of the time.  About .5% of the time, I need to look super-presentable and I slap on some powder and eyeliner and mascara and nude lipstick (that’s what I was wearing in the shot).  I do my hair and put on an outfit that does not include a t-shirt.  But that other 99.5% of the time, I wear no makeup at all, my hair is up in a ponytail or twisted into some sort of knot, and…I’m wearing my normal uniform of a t-shirt.  So it’s not the best representation of ME, but it’s the best representation of who I can be if you want me to attend an event.

And I do love those pictures.  I think Mary did a fantastic job.  I think part of that job was relaxing me so that those types of pictures could be taken; it was about timing and attitude and keeping an eye on all the small details that affect a picture such as space and light.

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Weebles Wobblog has had trouble with her feed. If you follow her blog, please resubscribe via this link.  And if you don’t already subscribe to her blog, you should.  I mean, listen to this line from the top post on her blog at the moment: “It was a dark and stormy night.  Actually, it was a frigid January night, and all the homes in our old neighborhood were shut tight. As tight as the skin on Joan Rivers’ face.”  Lori is funny and she’s serious and she has taught me so much about open adoption and she is caring and she asks tough questions.  You know what she (and by extension, her blog) is like?  It’s like when you’re running around completely chaotic with tasks and suddenly, everything feels organized and you sit down and realize you can breathe again.  Lori is like that first breath that comes when you suddenly realize that you’re at peace.

So on that note, please resubscribe to her blog via this link.

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And now, the blogs…

I love this post from A Run For My Money that tells how life really is with a newborn.  I think too many times, as women, we candy-coat those first days and everyone goes through them thinking they’re some sort of monster for being so frustrated and tired and weepy (though also in love and joyous and high on lack of sleep).  I like that she tells it like it is for her, and hopefully, others will read it and realize that they’re really not alone.

Here We Go Again has a tiny post about honesty and presents a grey ethical situation.  Oooh, and I just love the discussion that is unfolding in her comment section.  I’ve been thinking about this situation on-and-off since I read this post and it gives you really good food for thought.  Go jump in and give your take on what you would have done.

I Spy a Family has a gorgeous post about wanting to bottle up childhood for her sons and place the essence of their childhood into mason jars as you would if you were catching fireflies.  She still lives where she grew up, and she explains how that changes the way you celebrate holidays as an adult vs. those who live far away from the places where they first celebrated those special days.  She writes, “They could open their jars and breathe in the smell of suntan lotion and citronella candles, remembering what it was like to be young, snuggled on beach blankets as fireworks lit up the sky, in the company of people who loved them.”  And I bawled.

Lastly, A Year of Hope has a post about the pain of invisibility that comes with infertility.  Without a clear visual signal, the people we interact with who don’t know our back-stories have no idea that the questions they’re asking are causing so much emotional pain.  She writes, “Some days, I wish I had Evie and Jack and Will’s names tattooed across my face along with their birth/death dates and some sort of tag line about how we lost them. Or something like ‘I may have all my limbs, but my heart has been amputated and here’s why…‘.”  It is a moving, important post.

The roundup to the Roundup: Happy birthday dear…Cuddle Bumps.  Answer the Weekly What If.  Musings on the head shots.  Resubscribe (or subscribe) to Lori’s blog.  And lots of great posts to read.

Um…this is what I look like on a normal day (though I’m usually wearing some clothes).

And this is how Mary made me look for my head shot:

And then she made me look like this:

Click on the pictures to enlarge them.

She made me look so pulled together and polished and not like someone who generally spills coffee on herself when she tries to drink it in the morning.

I cannot thank Mary Gardella at Love Life Images enough.  If you live or will ever be in the DC area, you should book a session with her.  She is seriously worth booking a photo session vacation to Maryland in order to work with her.  And if nothing else, peruse some of her other photographs on her blog.  Aren’t they amazing?

At first I thought my perfect moment was going to be waking up in the morning and finding out that the Wolvog had renamed one of his stuffed animals Terrific Jones.  Which amused me, literally, to no end that his teddy bear sounded like a supporting character from a blaxploitation film.

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Then I thought it would be watching the Wolvog consumed a quarter pound of meat.  Again, it requires a visual, but imagine Matthew Broderick circa War Games shrunk down to the size of the average smurf (but still with Matt’s unblemished peach skin and not a sea of blueness) and NOW, imagine that same tiny Matthew Broderick (remember, with his peach skin, not blue skin) consuming a quarter pound of meat.

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Then I thought my perfect moment would be this conversation:

ChickieNob: Do mermaids poop?

Me: I’m certain they do.

ChickieNob: I don’t think they do because they have…all…of…these…scales…back…here (slides finger over plastic mermaid’s ass to illustrate the fact that there are no holes).

Me: But they eat seaweed?  Where does all the seaweed go?

ChickieNob: Seaweed has no nutritional value, which means that you don’t have to poop it out.

Me: But mermaids drink water, don’t they?  How do they pee?

ChickieNob: They pee out their brain.  Like a dolphin.

Me: What?

ChickieNob: (shyly, as if she’s a little taken aback that she needs to explain how dolphins urinate to her mother) Dolphins drink in water and then they pee out their brain when they come up for air.  Watch a dolphin and you’ll see pee come out a hole in their head.

Me: That isn’t pee.  That’s how they breathe.

ChickieNob: I don’t think that’s right.  And I don’t think that mermaids pee or poop.

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But no, my perfect moment came when the twins, terrified last week to even put their face in the water, decided yesterday that they were ready to swim underwater.  So they started several feet away from me and swam straight into my arms.  What a difference a week can make.

Read more perfect moments at Weebles Wobblog and add your own.

Welcome back to your Do-it-Yourself MFA program.

The subtitle of this post is “how to find and sign with a reputable agent” and yes, the emphasis should be on the word reputable.  While reputable has ethical connotations (and this matters a lot too), what I really mean is “how to sign with an agent who will actually get your book sold rather than one who is taking a real crap shoot with your project and may end up doing more harm than good.”

Did that scare the shit out of you?  Good, because it should.  You should go into this part with your rose-coloured glasses off because this relationship will be the most important one you create.  Publishers will come and go, but a good agent will hopefully be by your side for life.

Which is not to say that you can’t switch agents.  I actually did switch agents once, and even though it was a really good parting, it was sickening and gut-wrenching with a lot of “what have I done” feelings mixed in as well.  Do yourself a favour and choose carefully.  Oh, and go back and review the last installment to keep it fresh in your mind as you read this one.

A lot (though certainly not all) of the best agents are in New York, where most of the publishing houses are located.  Though all good agents will have a sales record (and have it be easily accessible either through the agency site or by a quick Google search on the Web) or be a junior agent with an established literary agency (junior agents generally assist agents, learning the ropes, and then start to build their own list with the assistance of an established agent in their agency.  I would not be nervous about using a junior agent at a place like Writers House) and therefore you can view their agency’s sales record.  I would not work with someone who has not made sales at the type of publishers you want to work with (in other words, if you want to work with a big six publisher, make sure your agent has made deals for their clients with big six publishers).  You are looking for a sales history that fits your book–not just any old sales history.

Because anyone can slap on the title agent and try to sell your book.  But that has the potential to seriously damage your project.

Let’s say you sign with your friend’s Aunt Tina who works as a solo literary agent in her own self-named agency and you think how lucky you are to have this connection and get an agent so easily.  Aunt Tina sends your book to a few publishers blindly and they reject it outright because they don’t know Aunt Tina.  You’ve now closed off the possibility of working with those publishers.

Okay, not completely because a good agent can undo some damage, but what I’m trying to get across is that it matters that you take the time to find an agent who works well with you personality-wise (be clear about your needs and they’ll be clear about their needs–this is a working relationship), who has connections in your area of writing, and who follows AAR (Association of Authors’ Representatives) guidelines (they don’t have to be a member of AAR, but I like to see that they follow AAR guidelines).

There are multiple ways to find an agent:

• Use connections: do you know agents, did you meet one at a conference, do you have a friend who could introduce you to your agent?
• Go to the bookstore and peruse titles that are close to your book, but not exactly the same thing.  And then look at the thank you page to get that author’s agent.  In other words, if you want to publish a book on potty-training techniques, go find other parenting books and write down those agents.  When you query those agents, you’re going to mention this book so keep track of which agent represents which author.
• Get a one-month subscription to PublishersMarketplace and use it to find out the agents of favourite authors.  When you write them, mention that you think they’d be a great fit for your book because they already represent so-and-so.  Point out that you’ve done your homework and there’s a reason you are writing that agent specifically.
• In that vein, use Amazon to find authors similar to you (and then look on PublishersMarketplace to find their agent).  Look up a book by a similar author (for example, if your book would have the same potential readership as a Jennifer Weiner book, look up Good in Bed).  Now scroll down to see other books readers have purchased who have bought Jennifer Weiner.  Look up their agents and mention this book when you write the agent, not only showing that you’ve done your homework, but again, there is a specific reason for writing this specific agent.
• Go on agentquery–the best site I’ve found on connecting people with agents–and do a search in your writing area.

Start creating a spreadsheet of names.  Information you’ll want to track:

• Name of agent
• Name of agency
• Address of agency
• Email address of agent
• How they like their queries (can you email them or do you need to send them via post)
• Any specific instructions about their queries (important!  Only send them what they want)
• Other books they represent that you like (this column may be blank in places)
• Did they check out during your research

Okay, that last point–you are not going to query any agent that you haven’t done a bit of research on.  If they belong to an established agency (Trident Media, Writers House, Curtis Brown, Harvey Klinger, Levine Greenberg etc), you can feel pretty certain that you’re in good hands.  But at the very least, run by a site like P&E and look up their name (this site usually alphabetizes by the first name).  Do a Google search and see that they have deals listed in PublishersMarketplace or are speaking at conferences.  In other words, is everything kosher.

Remember that last installment when I talked about the agent’s reputation with publishers?  You want to make sure your agent has had sales.  That they have connections.  That they are going to open doors for you and the only way to do that is to have an established relationship as acting like a filter for a publisher.  So make sure you check on agentquery and see the books they list as sold.

By the way, if it’s a reputable agent, you should not have to pay any money until the book is sold (and then, the money comes out of the book sale).  Some agents will have a line in their contract that says you must pay for office costs such as xeroxing or delivery fees, and that is totally kosher–the money will come out of the sold manuscript.  But there should be no money exchanged upfront.  I’d also beware of any fee-based book editors or agents who point you towards them.  This is why: agents are going to have you do an edit for them anyway once they sign you.  Then publishers will have you do edits too.  So while there are good freelance editors, you should not have to shell out money to one before an agent will represent you (or even after an agent represents you).  Despite what freelance editors promise, edited manuscripts do not get sold or represented more than manuscripts that you put together yourself.

Lastly, before we start querying, take this time between now and the next installment to rank your list.  “1”s for the agents who would be a fantastic fit for your book and you’d love to work with them.  “2” for the agents who would be a good fit for your book and it would be great to work with them.  “3” for the agents who might be a good fit, but you need to learn more about them.  Anything other than a 3 should be dropped from your list.

You’ll understand this ranking system when we get to the next installment.

Okay class, any questions on what was discussed here? Please leave them in the comment section below and I will answer them in the comment section below. Keep in mind that I have a lot of topics to cover so your question may be answered in a future installment (see below). So keep your questions about agents.

Heads Up and Looking Back: topics that will be covered in future installments or that were covered in past installments

1. Before You Even Get Started

2. Are You Ready to Be an Author?

3. How to Write a Non-Fiction Book Proposal

4. Why You Need an Agent

5. THIS POST

6. Querying Agents

7. What Happens Next–Waiting for a Book Sale

8. No Agent? Other Paths to Publication

9. What to Expect After You Sign a Book Deal

10. Be Your Own Publicist

11. A Mishmash of Leftover Questions and Answers

Yesterday, I was in a state that could best be described as tweaky.  It was obviously coloured by the fact that we had to gut and organize the entire basement in a day–a feat that appeared impossible before we began, but for the sake of not distracting you from the true tsuris of this story, was miraculously completed with almost two hours to spare.  The gutting was to take stuff to the dump as well as prepare items for an upcoming garage sale.  Lindsay came over afterward to marvel at all the space as well as pick up some baby items we had outgrown (and I slipped the plastic uterus in there because, damn it, someone else should have to store that thing for a bit and she is so much more responsible and organized).

The larger problems came in the form of a wave of upcoming changes–and I don’t do well with change–followed by two bills that arrived on Friday which amounted to well over a thousand dollars.  We did not expect either of these bills since they were both wrong and from 2008 and 2009, respectively.  So Josh is dealing with getting both cleared, but it’s just more things on the plate that we didn’t need right now.

But that isn’t the thing that sent me over the edge.

In the morning, I was trying to find an old email from my sister and I couldn’t find it based on searches with all possible keywords.  So I returned to my old email account to search there, since all my old emails imported from over there a few weeks ago.  And when I opened the site, there was an ad with flash and it downloaded a virus to my computer.

I had never heard such a crazy-ass thing either, but as soon as the websit opened, without clicking on anything, my computer went crazy with strange pop-ups and quite soon after that, went completely and utterly dead.  I couldn’t open any programs, I couldn’t uninstall this thing, I couldn’t do. freakin’. anything.

So I called my Daddy who came over at night and with four hours of work, was able to delete the virus and restore my computer to its pristine state.  Though for a bit, it seemed like the only way around this was to erase my entire computer and reload the operating software, which would mean losing all of the files I had stored on this computer.  Seriously wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

Instead, I pulled out Harry Potter, jumping into book five.  Some people secretly suck their thumbs and others eat chocolate, but I reread Harry Potter books when I get stressed.  Reading them is a little like hugging a security blanket, though much heavier and much more papery.

I figured I’d start at five and go through book seven and that would take me through a few weeks if I read them slowly.  Which will take me past the wave of changes.

So spill…what do you do to self-soothe when you’re stressed?  Is there anyone else who rereads Harry Potter?  I have no memory of what I did pre-Harry Potter.

And for the love of G-d, load a good malware removal program to your computer.  I thought Norton was enough to protect me, but it’s not, and some viruses are set up to not allow you to download any applications that could delete them, so do yourself a favour and put one on your computer BEFORE that happens.  Microsoft makes a free one.

Oh–and if you live in America–happy Fourth of July.