There are so many ways this article is going to bother you that I’m erasing the first line I just wrote listing out all the various angles it will come from to poke you.  Which begs the question — why am I sharing it with you if it’s just going to sit in your stomach the way it is sitting in mine?  I don’t know.  Because misery needs company?  Because I think in hearing other people’s thoughts, it can help harmonize my own?

A woman named Kristy Gaffney met a man (Emmitt Dippold) online and began dating him.  She says that he presented himself as a divorced businessman who had been unable to have children with his wife due to infertility.  They continued to date and Gaffney became pregnant.  At first she says that he wanted her to have an abortion, and then changed his mind, asking her to sign some papers that would enable him to be listed as the father.  Though she didn’t understand the paperwork, she signed it anyway.

The baby was born, the man fixed up his house so the three of them come live together, and then one day, before they could move in, the man did not return the baby.  This is when she learned that the man and his infertile wife (he was not divorced) were adopting the baby.  The paperwork she had signed ended her parenting rights.

The judge ruled the adoption fraudulent.  The man and his wife are appealing that decision.  The woman says she was misled in various ways as to the nature of their relationship (she met him on a dating site, he told her he was related to the Duponts).  The man implies that their relationship was akin to a traditional surrogacy agreement (albeit without paperwork or through any traditional channels).

The full article is here.  Or here.

I’m going to encourage you not to read the 693 comments on the Today Show article.  I started and then had to stop.

I just want to make clear from that last post about unrequited blog loves that I am speaking strictly about our intentions: why we start reading a blog or comment on a blog.  I think the Buddha had it right when he said that we should abandon expectations in the blogging world… or something like that.  I don’t read you to get you to read me.  I read you because I get something out of your writing.

But the other side of all of this is that blogging can be a community-based activity.  And communities online should operate in a similar manner to communities in the face-to-face world.  You put a little in, you get a little back.  You put a lot in, you should get a lot back.  And yet, we know that it doesn’t work that way online and it also doesn’t work that way in the face-to-face world all the time.  Generally, yes.  But I think we all have a story in our back pocket of a time when we put in a lot of effort and saw very little return.  And still, we hope, as we invest ourselves in our online and offline communities that we will be able to draw from them, because in an ideal world, that is exactly what give and take means.

I think it’s natural, then, to have an emotional reaction when the system breaks down.  Here’s an example we see happen all the time: a person makes dozens of meals for community members in need.  Every time she is asked, she goes above and beyond the average casserole, creating a lovely balanced meal that shows obvious care for the receiver.  And then one day, the person is in need of a meal and the call goes out on the listserv.  And a few people sign up.  Not many.  With a second, guilt-inducing email, a few more people sign up.  And some of the people who sign up don’t even remember to drop off their meal.  The person wonders what the hell went wrong: what was the point in giving so much to community if she was going to receive so little in return?

And you can’t help but take it personally.  Person A receives 20 meals, no problem.  And person B receives 18 meals, no problem.  And then person C — who contributed just as much to the community as persons A and B — gets 4 meals, but it’s like pulling teeth to get people to sign up.  Even when you see the confluence of shitty events that come together to keep people from helping you, you can’t help but take it personally.

Community is based so much on the concept of give and take.  If not for the ability to take when you need it, humans wouldn’t bond together as we do.  We wouldn’t work collectively because it’s to our detriment to work collectively.  If I’m spending time helping you, I’m not spending time taking care of myself.  And yet, we also would lead much sadder, much emptier, much less productive lives without that collectivity.  What world problems are ever solved by one brain working solo?  What great achievements are gained by one person working alone?  People need people.  Even if we get hurt sometimes because of that need.

So I think it makes sense to be hurt when someone doesn’t return the favour of reading your blog.  In the same way that it hurts whenever you give to community and find that you can’t take.  Though ideally, the pressure isn’t on individuals but instead the collective whole.  I may make a meal for person X, and person Y observes that and makes me a meal in my time of need.  And so everyone is taken care of though not necessarily by the person they helped.

I’d like to think we all could live with that ideal; the support may not come directly from the place we originally give it, but it comes.  And yet I also know that it’s next to impossible to set our egos aside, to not feel as if we are owed directly from individuals.  If this weren’t the case, I wouldn’t be struggling with something akin to this scenario (in other words, it’s not exactly a party, but your thoughts will translate easily), and perhaps it would help me in light of this whole discussion to know what you would do:

A friend has a party and doesn’t invite me.  She is discreet about it, not mentioning it in front of me, but since enough mutual friends are invited, I find out about it.  It is not a small party, though every party needs to have a guest list so some people don’t make the cut.  And I didn’t make the cut.  Fast forward a few months to my party.  I have the space to invite her, though in doing so, someone else will obviously not make the guest list.  Am I better off inviting her because I like her and would love for us to be closer?  Or am I better off not inviting her; after all, she made a statement about how close she saw our friendship when she didn’t invite me?  Nothing has changed in our friendship since the time of her party.

It’s the hurt of being part of a community; the inverse of all the times that we’re elated to be part of a community.  I suppose we wouldn’t feel the thankfulness of being part of a community if we also didn’t know how thoughtless people could be.  Lao-Tzu was right about what he said concerning yin and yang in blogging.  Or something like that.

The responding to comments discussion was so interesting this week — what various people expect, how often people return to a comment thread, how returning comments affects creating content or reading other blogs.  One thing I didn’t say, which bounces off of a question Jjiraffe posed on Prompt-ly about unrequited blog love: Are there any blogs you have unrequited love for? Does it matter that we don’t get “love” ie: comments from these crushes? Or should we just be thankful they are there and enjoy the good writing?

I technically have a lot of unrequited blog loves, but I don’t think of them in those terms.

Here’s my thought: I watch movies all the time, and those actors never turn around and watch my YouTube videos.  I read books every single day, and some of those authors know that I’m reading their book because they sent me the copy, but they don’t read my books in return.  There are three dozen occurrences each week where I essentially do or support someone else and get nothing* back from them.  I don’t look at blogs any differently.

I read what I want to read with little thought as to whether the person reads me back.  That way, I don’t miss things I wanted to read.

There are two types of blogs I read: (1) ones that are written by friends or people I can tell could become a friend.  There is some reason we connect, and we usually end up commenting on each other’s blogs, emailing off-blog, etc.  If that doesn’t happen, they move into the second category of bloggers I read: (2) there are the dozens that I read because I get something out of reading them, and the person never reciprocates and reads me back.

I think it’s a dangerous practice to go into reading blogs with expectations because you’re almost certain to become disappointed.  Nor do I think it’s particularly fair — I can’t imagine telling Joseph Gordon Levitt that you’re going to stop watching his movies because he doesn’t check out your YouTube videos**, so I’m not sure why we read blogs with that attitude.  I watch Joseph Gordon Levitt movies because I enjoy them, and I don’t expect anything back in return except an enjoyable experience.  If he starts making crap films, I’ll stop watching his films, in the same way that if a blogger I love starts writing crap posts, I’ll drift away because it’s not enjoyable or thought-provoking anymore.  There is a difference between two people mutually agreeing to something, and one person placing the other in a position where they expect them to reciprocate.

Which isn’t to say that I have stilted friendships where we sit down and draw up a friendship contract, but there’s a big difference between buying a present for Josh and having the realistic expectation that he will probably also buy a present for me in the future, and buying a present for a random stranger, handing it to them, watching them smile (what you may not know is that they’re smiling because they don’t have a lot of money right now, and suddenly you have handed them this wonderful gift), and then saying to them, “now you have to buy me a gift or I’ll never buy another gift for you again.”  That makes their gift a lot heavier than it needs to be.  Especially if they feel guilted into using their money to buy you something back.  Or they suck it up and walk away with the understanding that they aren’t getting anything else in the future and it’s their own damn fault…

What I’m trying to say is that reading another person’s blog is a wonderful gift.

Yes, sometimes it’s a dumping ground for thoughts, but just as often, it is an art form, like all other types of writing.

But what we get from art should be the gift to ourselves, not what the artist can do for us.  If that makes sense.

*******

Some of it comes down to why you read blogs.  I read blogs because I want to see another person’s point-of-view.  I want to hear about a life I don’t live.  I want to learn something new.  I also sometimes read blogs to connect with people.  But that isn’t the sole reason why I read blogs.  So I am happy when there is that friendship that grows between our two spaces, but I’m equally fine when the attention only flows one way.  Because I’m still getting something out of it.  I’m getting information, dinner ideas, insight into a different world.

Back when I was single, I went to a few dating events.  Sometimes they were at a bar, which really isn’t my thing, but I’d go anyway.  If I met someone, I thought the night was worth it.  If I didn’t meet someone, I was pissed off that I wasted my night and grumbled about it.  What changed everything was recognizing that I should go do activities I liked, and if I met someone, great.  But if I didn’t meet someone, I still had done a fun activity for two hours.  That’s how I approach reading blogs.  I read what I enjoy reading, and if I connect with someone, fantastic.  If I don’t connect with the writer, I still got something out of it.

And that’s what works for me.

*******

This is not to say that I don’t get hurt feelings from living in the blogosphere.  It is impossible to rub up against people and not feel scratched sometimes.  But rubbing up against people can also… well… this analogy is starting to sound like frottage, so I’ll leave it at that and assume you understand what I mean.

Since I took this attitude about three years ago, I found that my Google Reader hasn’t changed much except to grow.  It balances out because people also stop writing their blog.  I used to have this shifting list of blogs that I read, and I did pay attention to things like reciprocation.  And then there was a day that I spent an entire evening upset over a slight and pretty much ruined five hours of my night (you may want to ask Josh to tell you how happy he was about this), and after that, I stopped shuffling who I read.  I want blog reading to be a source of happiness and education, not a source of stress.

Though sometimes it can be.

I don’t do it perfectly, but looking at my blog reading this way has saved me from at least some of the stress I felt years ago.  I’m not exactly at namaste-levels of blog reading, but I’m getting close to it as I’ve removed my expectations.  Though please don’t think that I’m this laid-back in my relationships.  I hold my friends to high standards, which doesn’t mean tit-for-tat reciprocation but does take into account some level of give and take.  Sometimes blog reading and friendships mix, but just as often as not, they’re two separate entities for me.

* I can’t think of many things I do where I get nothing back.  I’m currently making another person a meal who is in need of a meal.  She will not reciprocate this because I don’t have the need for someone to make me a meal, and we keep kosher and can’t bring in outside food.  But I’m not getting nothing in return.  I’m cementing my place in this community, I’m feeling good about myself, I’m teaching the twins about reaching out to others.  There is always something gained in return.

** Added this in at 12:02 pm: I picked Joseph Gordon Levitt as the example (instead of, let’s say, Brad Pitt) because he is a someone who does indeed make movies, BUT he also is the blogging equivalent to a movie maker, running the site HITRECORD which is an open-collaborative production company where regular people work together to create art.  He is down there in the writing trenches with everyone, and so it does make sense to have that translate into “I worked on his project and I watch his movies and why doesn’t he take a look at my YouTube vidoes.”  And this is a comment I read about him on a website.  Again, I think if people get something out of HITRECORD, they should do it — it looks like a lot of fun.  But if they’re doing it because they expect something back specifically from him, I think they need to reassess if they’re putting themselves in a position to be deeply disappointed and frustrated.

For all of my worrying about my blood work at the general practitioner, it turned out to be fine.  I’m not diabetic, my cholesterol is nice and low, and she didn’t even lecture me much about my weight/lack of exercise because by the time I saw her, I was eating better and exercising.  I’m doing yoga 3 – 4 times per week and running 1 or 2 times per week (depending on whether I go to yoga).  I’m eating well.  I’ve lost 7 pounds in the last three weeks.

Which is why the diagnosis of my mushy bones came out of left field.

Just for shits and giggles, my general practitioner looked at my vitamin D levels and found that they were drastically low.  As in, there is a cut-off that is labeled “severe” and I am still 15 notches down from that.  For some reason, I both find this hysterically funny and in laughing about it, feel suddenly weak, as if my bones can’t hold up the weight of my body once I introduce laughter.

I mean, I literally can’t stop laughing about it.

In writing this, I’ve had to pause several times to catch my breath.  Even though there is nothing funny about a vitamin deficiency.

*******

I know that House is now going off the air, but Josh and I just started watching the first season on DVD.  We are late bloomers with television shows; so late that the show is usually not producing any more episodes apparently by the time we get to it.  I love this show mostly because Dr. House is such a dick while still being likeable.  That’s a hard line to walk.

I’m not even sure why I am telling you this except that my mushy bones just reminded me of our new nightly ritual of House episodes.  We plan on going through all the seasons.  If you tell me your favourite episode, I can bother Josh by starting those episodes with “So-and-so from Blog X says that this is the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeest episode.”  Beyond that, since we have the semi-completed television series unfolding before us, which was the best season?

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Insulate, Ignore, Protect, and Proceed: How I’ve Gotten Through IVF With My Sanity (Mostly) Intact” (Grit and Patience)
• “Time Warp Tuesday: What I Craved” (Write Mind Open Heart)
• “February” (Getting There)
• “Sperm and the Art of Personhood” (Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed)
• “Coming Apart at the Seams” (Scrambled Eggs)
• “Smoke and Mirrors” (Searching for Our Silver Lining)
• “I’m Not a Survivor Yet” (Nuts in May)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Write Mind Open Heart (beyond opening up the Limerick Chick Contest!  Will this be my year?) has a post about how she turned a frustration with another person into a learning experience.  She writes: “Even though this woman was on the periphery of my life, I was giving the conflict with her way more prominence than it merited.”  I do this so often and the post resonated with me, as well as her advice never to lower your own personal standards.  Great life lesson.

Justkeeptrying1 has a post about life’s punches to the stomach.  She writes, “The hard times to deal with are when the grief – because I guess that’s what it is- sneaks up on you unexpectedly. I have been reduced to tears in a greeting card shop of all places. Why? Because I suddenly noticed that the cards are set out in the order you’re expected to need them.”  But it’s the final image in the post that is the punch in the stomach for the reader.  Gorgeous writing.

Writing for Life has a heartbreaking post this week about her son’s diagnosis and the subsequent decision that needed to be made.  She writes, “All of a sudden I heard a soft whisper from deep inside that said ‘you need to let him go’. I was shocked, in the middle of a deep emotional crisis. I didn’t listen, I didn’t want to hear because I wasn’t ready.”  A warning, you will cry reading this post about a mother’s love.

Lastly, It Is What It Is (or Is It?) has a post on that moment when you suspect the cycle didn’t work.  We all know our bodies so well that we can feel every change, no matter how small.  And yet, just as often, we read posts where the person is certain that it did or didn’t work, and the opposite turns out to be true.  And yet sometimes, somehow we know.  Is it the heart’s way of protecting us?  And how do we know when what we feel in our bones is true?  And when it is just smoke and mirrors?

The roundup to the Roundup: I have mushy bones. Which episodes of House should we be looking out for and which was your favourite season of the show?  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between February 10th and February 17th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Did you know that there are celebrities on Pinterest?  I had to write a post this week for BlogHer bouncing off the news that Mark Zuckerberg was now pinning, and ended up finding a bunch of people:

• Mark Zuckerberg  (Facebook founder)
• Paula Deen (Food Network celebrity and chef)
• Alanis Morissette (singer who you you you oughta know)
• Demi Moore (actress and Twitter aficionado)
• Backstreet Boys (musicians and your childhood crush if you grew up in the ’90s)
• Martha Stewart (craft goddess and media empress)
• Ryan Seacrest (television host)
• Yoko Ono (artist and peace activist)
• Michael Kors (designer)
• Ashley Benson (actress)
• Katie Couric (journalist and television host)
• Nina Garcia (fashion lady)
• Felicia Day (actress)
• Lauren Conrad (actress)
• Dr. Oz (television host)
• Oprah (television host)
• Ellen DeGeneres (television host)
• George Takei (actor)
• Michelle Obama (first lady)

I’ll keep adding to this list as I find new people.

I was sort of interested to see which recipes Paula Deen found pinworthy, but they all seem to be her recipes (unless I’m reading Pinterest wrong).  I already know her recipes.  The rest of the people are fine, but I guess I’m not really dying to see what the Backstreet Boys pinned.  I actually couldn’t think of many celebrities that I’d want to see what they had pinned.

But I could think of plenty of fictional people…

• George Weasley’s magical joke idea pinboard: a place where he can pin stuff from Zonko’s online site, gather ideas for new Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, and pay tribute to Fred.
• Harriet M. Welsch’s favourites pinboard: pictures of tomato sandwiches, photos that were originally pinned by people on her spy route, and interesting ways to decorate composition notebooks so they don’t look like you’re taking spy notes.
• Ramona Quimby’s after school ideas: bricks, bricks, and more types of bricks for brick factory.
• Willy Wonka’s retirement plans: what the hell did Willy Wonka do after the chocolate factory?

Whose pinboard would you want to see?  Are there fictional accounts on Pinterest as there are on Twitter?

P.S. Rachel Goldman is getting her own Pinterest board but until she fills it, you can see the one I made for her.  And hints that will be dropped regularly about the sequel.