The Odd Life of Timothy Green — Prepare to Cry
An infertile couple is told by their RE that there is nothing more they can do medically to have a child. They go home and spend the evening on the sofa talking through that dream child they need to let go of — the one they will never create together — writing down all the moments they’ll never get to have with him or her. (I told you in the title that you were going to cry.) They put these scraps of paper in a box and bury it in the backyard, and in the middle of the night, out of the ground comes a fully grown, 10 year old boy.
Who immediately calls them mum and dad.
Forgive me, io9, if I take pause with the language you’ve used to describe the film:
The creeptastic Disney movie about a childless couple (Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton) who write down their wish for a child and bury it in the yard… and then their dream child shows up, already aged 10. From an idea by Frank Zappa’s son Ahmet Zappa. It honestly looks kind of disturbing, but it’s clearly trying to be heartwarming — and maybe it’ll be cooler than the trailers look.
Creeptastic? Disturbing? Do you know what is disturbing? Being told that you can’t have a child. Or losing a child.
Disney keeps circling back to using infertility or loss as a plot device in many of their movies, most recently Up (unless there was one more recent than that — I can’t really keep up with Disney’s numerous releases). I wrote about it on BlogHer and quoted a post from Punch Drunk where she looked at numerous offensive thoughts around the Internet about the inclusion of infertility in the film. Such as Momicillin whose review of the film contains:
UP includes the longest flashback montage everrrrrrrr of the entire life of a sweet married couple, which culminates in the funeral of the wife. It includes what I believe to be (I am not kidding here) the first ever miscarriage portrayed in a children’s film. We see the young couple dreaming of babies. Then decorating a nursery. Then in an exam room—wife in chair, face buried in hands— while the doctor speaks to them, shaking his head. Sweet fancy bananas, I thought, please oh please don’t let my kid ask what is going on right now. (He didn’t.)
It would be crantastic to live a life where I never had to explain infertility, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or neonatal death to my child, but I don’t live in that world. I don’t get to go through my day not thinking about infertility, and I haven’t had that luxury for about 10 years. 10 years confronting infertility and pregnancy loss. Am I little jealous that Momcillin seems to live in a world where she never needs to explain these sorts of things to her child; of course. I am 100% jealous. I would love to be in a position where miscarriage is something that happens to other people; not in our house.
But I don’t live in that world, so perhaps I see the plot devices in Up and The Odd Life of Timothy Green in a completely different way. They’re an organic way to bring up the topic and discuss infertility and loss with my twins while keeping it somewhat at a distance. Though I’ll be honest; I won’t be bringing the twins to see it in the movie theater. I may go, but I want to see it first, think through how I’ll explain things, what questions I’ll ask the twins after the movie, or perhaps decide that it doesn’t work as a conversation starter for us.
Will you go see the film? Are you grateful, cranky, or indifferent that Disney is frankly and without apology touching on infertility and loss in their films?
P.S. Lest you think Disney is unique in bringing infertility into their storylines, they are also unique in removing it from original fairy tales that contain infertility as a plot device. Fairy tales such as Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Gingerbread Man, Tom Thumb, Thumbilina, Snow White… should I go on… are all stories that contained infertility originally but have been stripped as they’ve been retold in modern versions.
As I asked in that post: 12% of the human world is affected by infertility and pregnancy loss. Did you really think a comparable amount of the fairy tale world would go unscathed? How do you feel about infertility being removed from fairy tales as they are reworked?
40 comments
I am woefully underprepared to share IVF and our infertility with our son. I have told him that sometimes people want to have a baby and it’s really hard, and I’ve told him that we loved him for a long time before he was born, but I have a really hard time talking about our infertility with him.
Sweet fancy bananas, how do I explain it to him?
*sigh*
I hurt right now, as it relates to our infertility, so likely I won’t see the film. But not because I have any objection to making a film like this. It’s more about self-protection rather than anything else. Right now, anyway.
xoxo
I think it’s so important that films/tv etc touch on infertility and those who think we should hide this from children are wrong. It would go such a long way to help us IFers feel less out in the cold, less alone. Whilst I haven’t yet seen UP, I have been meaning to for a while, I always focus in on even the tiniest moments in TV or films that show that pain we all go through, even if they are as unrealistic as Phoebe’s instant IVF BFP in Friends!! So I will certainly be looking out for the odd life of Timothy Green, and Up and will stock up on tissues!!
Dh & I saw the trailer for this movie awhile back (it left us both slackjawed). I am not sure I want to see it — hits waaaayyyyy too close to home. I’ll wait awhile to see what the reviews have to say.
I don’t think dealing with loss is anything new for Disney. Maybe the whole infertility/miscarriage angle, but remember Bambi’s mother?? How many other orphans have appeared in Disney movies?? Wasn’t Pinocchio adopted? (Granted, he was a puppet first…)
I did see Up & absolutely loved it… but man, I haven’t cried so hard at the movies in years as I did in that first 10 minutes. And of course, there were children all around us, so I was trying to do so quietly… and then had to clean my glasses so I could watch the rest of the movie. ; )
But you’re so right — wouldn’t it be nice not to have to think about these things every day? Momicillin has no idea how damned lucky she is. :p
I haven’t seen a movie in an actual movie theater since sometime in 2008? I may rent it or see it on Netflix in the future. I just saw Bambi with my daughter and it was hard enough explaining what happened to Bambi’s mother, let alone try to explain miscarriage and infertility. I think that the montage in UP was simply brilliant because it spoke volumes to adults without saying a thing. Momicillin must be a complete moron when it comes to kids, because that montage is SO easy to explain to a young child. They are sad because they wanted to have children but they couldn’t. ‘Nough said. I also had to explain while I was bawling my eyes out during the end of Toy Story 3…that was actually harder to explain. I was more pissed about that…why didn’t anyone warn me that EVERYONE in the audience would be crying?
I had forgotten about the original version of many fairy tales having an infertility/loss theme. I’m struggling to figure out how and when to tell my son about surrogacy. He’ll be 3 in June, so I feel like I need to start having the conversation in the next year.
I use to fantasize about opening my front door one morning and finding a baby waiting for me, so in some ways, the new movie isn’t too creepy, but I won’t go see it. I don’t willingly watch movies or shows in which I know IF is a them unless it’s a documentary because it’s usually not handled well. I remember the sucker punch I felt when I saw Pan’s Labyrinth and the pregnant mother.
I’m glad Disney is using it as long as they do it well. Oddly enough, my husband and I have recently started watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and they’ve had two episodes on surrogacy. I expected it to be handled crassly and it was, yet in some ways it was also one of the most sensitive, least offensive handling I’ve ever seen. Maybe because the show itself is so over the top?
Movie theaters are off limits for some time from now on for me. But hot dog, that trailer made me sniff… And Disney has a thing for mums, who most of the times vanish from their children’s side, I have always found that disturbing and heartbreaking.
Anyways, Momcilin is lame. You can explain anything to a child, with more or less success, only if you try. And as long as you keep it age appropriate and you don’t lie, the child will benefit from the explanation and the trust between parent and child is strengthened (I suppose, haven’t done it so far, George is only 20mo).
IF, loss, death, are part of life as well as anything else. They are not on the sunny side of life, but they ARE sadly part of life, right? There is no use on glossing over them, or dismissing them, as there is none is depicting the most graphic and gruesome details. We all want the best for our children and want to shield them from harm and protect them from mistakes we did and know about, but we can’t, no matter how much we try. Therefore, I think it is better to try to explain the unfairness of life to them, and not set them up to disappointment by telling them that life is nothing but rainbows and unicorns.
I hope I can achieve all these when the time comes.
For the moment, I am glad I cannot go to the cinema. Anything sets the waterworks in function these days… Crying in public is never pretty, no matter how charming the crier (ain’t I so modest?!:-))
I don’t go to the movies very often, but I would probably rent it. I am glad to see more attempts to include infertility and loss in story lines of movies, even if it isn’t always done in a way I totally agree with. Just getting it out there is a good start to increasing awareness.
Elizabeth hasn’t really noticed those themes yet. She just asks me in Up if they are sad and I say yes. But I am grateful that Disney is using them. It needs to be a normal topic of conversation, not a hidden part of the world that we never talk about. When she asks me why they are sad, I will tell her that they wanted to have a baby and couldn’t.
I might see the movie but would rather see it in my own home than in the theater. We saw Up in the theater with my daughter. At the time she was too little to understand however now that she is older, every single time she watches Up she asks about the miscarriage scenes she asks about it. Every SINGLE time when I explain it to her simply it rips my heart out. She gets it, I know she does because shes asks me if “the mom” ever gets to be happy again. My daughter obviously thinks most women are insane…like I am…and keep trying, trying, trying.
Momicillin is a boob. I hope she NEVER has to experience a miscarriage but you know she might have make her kid a little more understanding had she had to explain (in simple terms) what happened to the wife/mother.
Tangled/Rapunzel (I think that was Disney) is another fairytale recent movie that had infertility in it.
I’m not emotionally prepared to see this movie any time soon, but I’m disgusted that anyone would characterize infertility being included as this woman has.
It’s interesting living in a world of “fertile privilege”. If you close your eyes you can pretend everyone in the world is as fertile as you and having a baby is as simple as a positive pregnancy test the first month off of birth control pills.
Do I want people to know what infertility FEELS like? HELL no. I don’t even want to know what infertility feels like. But I do. And just like being a minority (hey look, I’m an infertile lesbian) in other ways, being infertile sheds light on how truly self absorbed and insensitive some people are. I know lots of “fertiles” who can manage to muster up some compassion for us IFers, so why is it that the ones who can’t are the ones with the loudest voices and soapboxes to scream from?
My kid isn’t of the age where’s we’re going to movies yet, so I haven’t been exposed to screening children’s films. Heck, I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch Juno yet.
I just hope this doesn’t work itself into conversations… you know, “I have a friend of a friend who buried a list of wishes in a box in their backyard…”
Let me start by saying I am not really a Disney fan. I like certain movies but am not into the commercial drug they sell people that makes you want to buy all.the.things. and pay buttloads to go to a theme park. Maybe I’m just cheap. It could be that. Anyway, I don’t have a problem with infertility being in the more recent things and, to be honest, I hadn’t realized there been any white-washing of the infertility out of the other fairytale films. I distinctly remember Sleeping Beauty being longed for and coming /finally/ and that being what made her birth so special as to get the fairy treatment. Maybe I’m wrong, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it. And I also remember Snow White’s longed for birth. Actually I just rewatched The 10th Kingdom (don’t judge me) and in that they even mention Snow White’s mother being sad she hadn’t been able to have a baby and finally, at long last, she got her wish but knew she would not survive the birth. That’s heavy stuff. It kind of makes me wonder, the fact that this infertility nugget has trended throughout Disney movie history and continues to do so, if Disney himself or someone else in the creative works wasn’t touched by infertility themselves and that is why it keeps sneaking up on us. Or maybe it is just that notion that, because you have to wait so very long and your dream is so much greater and harder fought than those of us who have had it easy, the child is more special and destined for great things because they are one in a million. Or, in the case of Up, the old man wasn’t so much sad about not having kids as he was sad that he seemingly hadn’t realized how much she’d wanted it until she was gone. At least that’s how I’d interpreted that movie. It also hadn’t crossed my mind that his wife might have had a miscarriage, I thought the doctor was telling them they couldn’t have kids and the nursery decorating was just getting excitedly prepared ahead of things in assumption. Which is part of that movie’s message to me: that you can’t assume things will happen. you have to make them happen. one way or another.
It’s kind of interesting how with Disney you either have über breeders(Bugs, Bees, Bambi’s twins, King Titan, The Incredibles, etc), infertiles who end up with singletons or too innocent to even think about generating offspring (toy story).
I cried like a baby through the opening scenes from UP. I was newly diagnosed and it was way too hard not to.
I think the rational behind sheltering everyone from infertility is that by talking about infertility, we also need to talk about sex on some level. And many people are more than happy to allow their children to believe that they were magically placed in mommy’s belly or that the stork brought them. The comment you quoted illustrates this all too well, which is really a shame.
Disney has a long history of butchering fairy tales to create “happily ever after” in a very strict sense. Do I have faith that the viewing audience will be able to look past the “creepiness” of the trailer and see a couple who simply wants the opportunity to expand their family and be parents? No, not really. But I hope that maybe this is a step in the right direction. Afterall, I’m tried of being seen as the evil queen or a potential baby-stealer.
I kind of like how Disney touches on hard topics (death in so many of their kids movies) because it gives a jumping off point for discussions on their level when they’re ready to ask the questions. At 4 they’ve only once asked what happens to Nemo’s mom, and they just skim right over the death scene in the Lion King without blinking an eye – which I take to mean they’re not really ready to go there with it and I’m not going to push it on them. But I also know it’s my responsibility to not show them movies that I’m not ready to explain.
At the same time I see entirely where Momcillan is coming from. The fact is most of the time we DON’T have to explain infertility and loss to young children. I’d not go explaining sex to a 4 year old so neither will I explain IVF. It’s enough for them to know that mommy and daddy love and wanted them very much. They learned first hand how babies grow in mommy’s tummies when I was pregnant again. If I had lost the pregnancy? They’d never have known and I’d not make it a point to tell them, at least until they were much older. Why foist my grief on them? Why strip them of their innocence when it’s so easy to let them keep it? It doesn’t benefit them to know. They don’t know their cousin was stillborn – they don’t know we were at the hospital that day to meet her. They didn’t and still don’t need to know. I’m sure eventually we’ll broach the topic with them, but only because they will likely see/hear her name and ask who she is. Until they ask, I’m letting them keep their innocence.
I think your point of watching the movie first can’t be emphasized enough. I have several times now watched something for the first time with my kiddo that I thought, well, crap, I didn’t think about how to explain this. There are some conversations that I’m happy to postpone but it’s also about being able to think on your feet. Sometimes I can do that well and other times, I’m so emotionally surprised that I don’t know how to answer my kid’s questions. Often times there are things that happen in movies that you may not want your kids to see at that age. So there’s something to be said for previewing, thinking about how you want to discuss some topics and (if you’re like me) planning on how to handle the ‘surprise’ conversations.
That trailer makes me sad – it may be on the list of movies that I don’t want to watch because I find them depressing. Kind of like Marley & Me, which my daughter watches over and over.
Do I think it’s good that movies, especially Disney, don’t ignore the theme? In some ways – with our sanitized fairy tales, death and difficulty and unfairness should be illustrated for kids in a safe manner removed from real life before they actually have to experience it. In other ways, commercialization of things so heartfelt is difficult and it often doesn’t hit the right note. But, better to be out there than hidden away.
As I move between the infertility world and the adoption world, I have often thought about Disney films and the things they say to kids. On the one hand, I — like you — appreciate an intro into talking about the hard stuff. Infertility is some seriously hard stuff. It’s up there with Bambi’s mom. But I feel like at least it is always shown in a sympathetic light. Adoption, though? Ugh. How many evil stepmothers can we re-invent, people? So I think that while this new movie might look interesting, I’m going to be pretty dang selective about Disney in general…
Wow, this is a great post, as well as your post about other fairy tales. I recently saw Tangled and I’m struggling to remember if it covers that they had difficult conceiving or just a difficult pregnancy. Either way, I think fairytales play an important role in teaching children about difficult subjects in a more light harded and distant manner.
I probably won’t go see the film, mostly because of the act of having to mourn that dream child. I’ve already had to mourn my dream children with the help of 11 months of grief counseling.
I can’t watch those films, like the ones mentioned, that will elicit such a strong emotional response from me. (I can’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy if that helps to put things in perspective). When I go to the movies I want to escape the drama around me, not pay to go see it.
I did eventually see Up in the privacy of my own home and bawled through the entire film. I was very impressed with it, and not bothered at all that infertility was shown. I don’t mind shining a light on Infertility just as long as it is shown without insulting the ALI community.
As far as Disney screwing up fairy tales, well, they’ve been doing that for decades. However, in Sleeping Beauty, I think it alludes to the King and Queen’s infertility, but its extremely subtle and if you blink, you miss it.
Audrey asked if Walt Disney had experience with infertility, and yes, he did. It is publicly documented that his wife, Lillian, had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy. She later gave birth to one daughter, and they also adopted another daughter later. It is generally presumed that they would not have adopted if they weren’t struggling with secondary infertility issues.
I saw Up while in the middle of my infertility journey – the sequence caught me by surprised and I definitely cried. With Tangled, it was the palpable sense of loss expressed by Rapunzel’s parents that really got to me.
I’ve talked for years about how I think Disney hated moms. As others have said, in many of the early Disney movies, the moms were killed off. Although, dad are killed in lots of movies, too. However, with UP specifically, I never once thought of it as a miscarriage scene. I just assumed she was being told that she/they couldn’t have children. Honestly, the thought that they were saying she’d had a miscarriage simply never dawned on me. The part of it that bothered me was they never looked at adoption at all. Either which way, count me in on the crying buckets list with that montage.
We’ve only really started letting the kid watch movies (or TV for that matter) in the last year-ish (he’s 6 now), so he’s only seen maybe 1 movie in the theater. He hasn’t seen most of the movies anyone’s mentioned. I guess I never really considered how we’d talk about them afterwards… Guess I should!
I have to admit, the trailer seems creepy.
i loved ‘up’ because it portrayed infertility. cried and cried.
I feel the need to pipe up on behalf of momicilian. I think it’s important to note that it is a blog with numerous contributors, and that review was written by just one guest writer. One of the founders is actually an adoptive mother to a diaghter from China after having one biological son. I think people should be informed on who they are critiquing before making negative comments.
Wow, I had no idea the fairy tales we all grew up with originally had infertility pieces to them. Sometimes I feel like the world is so sanitized regarding infertility, miscarriages and the like – and I chalk it up to the “stigma” of it all back in the “olden days.” Then I see it wasn’t always that way.
I too realized that the UP scene was about miscarriage (maybe it’s because I’m an RPLer and very sensitive to that kind of stuff), and wasn’t expecting it and it left me in tears and almost unable to keep watching the movie. It had never happened to me before.
I’ll never see it because yeah, infertility is the new in thing. Sounds ridiculous, but the increasing number of books I see come in the store where infertility is part of the plot (and not generally in a good way) speak to me not of heartache, but of making a buck off of a lot of people’s tragedy.
Also? Don’t ever read Jodi Picoult.
I am entirely under qualified to really comment upon this topic, however, I think it is perhaps less difficult to talk to your child about miscarriage and infertility if you have not been through it yourself. As a first time mum-to-be, 6 months into my pregnancy, it is my biggest worry, and has been for some time. I also cried a lot when I saw UP, and I think that initial montage is beautiful and moving, and Disney (or more Pixar) should be proud of themselves.
What gets my goat about Disney films is the bad stick step-mums get, being one myself. You’re always the ugly/evil/[insert something horrid here] step mother! Fortunately, my little step-girl seems to not have created the link…yet.
Thank you for such a thought provoking post, I think I would see The Odd Life of Timothy Green when it’s out on DVD.
I haven’t read all the other comments so forgive me if I’m repeating someone, but when I saw Up I didn’t think that was a miscarriage portrayed. I thought the dreaming of babies and decorating the nursery was what the film did to portray their desire to have a baby. THen when they were in the doctor’s office and he said “no” and Ellie buried her face in her hands, I thought that was when they received the news they couldn’t have children. It never occurred to me in a million years that was a miscarriage portrayal. I’ll have to go watch again but wow….
That scene from Up, where the wife’s face is buried in her hands in the doctor’s office is unforgettable to me.
I am not sure if Disney is deliberately adding the IF plot to the movies…
Also, I would watch that movie, if I got a chance to. If nothing, then mostly for curiosity…
I am not grateful or indifferent or cranky to this…why can’t the talk of infertility in mainstream media be ‘normal’. If this was another Disney flick with old age/ cancer in it, would there be so much brouhaha. Just let it be.
I remember the Prompt-ly discussion on fairy tales…I have been intrigued by IF being a part of fairy tales, that’s for sure.
I too, like Amy, think that what the scene showed was that ‘the couple could not have children’.
So interesting that some people saw the moment in the Up montage as miscarriage and others saw it as infertility in general (barrenness). I wonder if there’s any Q and A online with the writers about the montage.
I also thought it was infertility in general, and not a miscarriage…although I’m not surprised to see that people are divided on their interpretation. I wonder if the interpretation of the montage is based on one’s own experiences, and if it was deliberate on the part of the writers?
I grew up with the classic fairy tale stories as well as the disney ones. I like both of them. I will be telling my kids both versions of the stories at some point. I guess because I am in a good place I will be seeing that movie. I love fairy tales and fantasy and it is nice to dream. For me it keeps my hopes up.
I never thought the scene in UP was about anything OTHER than miscarriage, but I suppose that could be it coming through my IF lens. I guess for me I’d never decorate a nursery if I wasn’t pregnant or matched for adoption. So the message to me was – “decorated nursery, she’s pregnant, doctor’s office, crying, miscarriage.” Interesting that others saw it differently. Now I’d love to see a Q&A about it with the writers.
The critique is sad. I don’t find it creepy, and I think I’d like to watch it… although it will probably be hard.
With UP, I think the scene was whatever you interpret it as. I lean more towards miscarriage since they were already designing the nursery, but it could have been just infertility too since they didn’t try again and society tells us that having a child is a sure thing when it’s not.
I agree about the white washing of fairy tales, we as a society have white washed a lot of stories to fit out desires. I think having loss/infertility in stories is a good way to open dialogue. I can see where some people think it’s not because they don’t want to talk about sex with their kids, but you can talk about these topics without talking about sex itself.
so many fairy tales overuse the adoption theme, as well. adoptive moms are often viewed as evil, like the evil stepmothers.
we’ve been watching the show “once upon a time” which has an interesting twist including a birth mother as the heroine in the story. plus the adoptive mom is so evil (the evil queen), you can’t help but cheer for the birth mom.
I’ve lived that (the part about being told you will never have biologically related children and the dreams about the kid that will never be). Hits too close to home so I won’t be seeing that movie. However, I’m glad their acknowledging the subject and I loved Up. The montage makes me bawl (even the soundtrack makes me cry), but it was one of the most beautiful montages I’ve ever seen… love that lasts even through the toughest of times. How can anyone not think that’s beautiful?
Oh… and this is just wild speculation on my part, but the older fairy-tale renditions from Disney may have been scrubbed of infertility references because of the times (didn’t speak of things like that back then) and also, maybe it hit too close to home for Disney himself. He and his wife also knew the pain that infertility can cause. I have no idea why Walt Disney Corp continues to do so, though I think in the case of Tangled it may have been too much to add in to a limited time-wise film.
I actually can’t wait to see The Odd Life Of Timothy Green. As soon as I saw the trailer, I have wanted to see it. I am glad that infertility is getting big screen attention, and hope it will continue to do so in a positive manner…because most of the time in plotlines IF is used as a scapegoat or stressor that created the psycopathic serial killer or some other such nonsense.
It’s part of life. Ups and downs. We shelter our children too much so that they are unprepared for life. I’m still laughing about the Bambi comment. It’s human nature, embrace it.