[Melissa stands up, taps her fork against her glass, and clears her throat. The conversation around the table dies down. She looks at everyone at the table.]

We do this every year: Come together as a community and have a virtual meal before we scatter to our actual meals. Unless, that is, you do not celebrate Thanksgiving. But I hope that you’ll join the table for virtual food and company even if you don’t follow this tradition offline.

We’ve virtually eaten together since 2009. That’s when this tradition began. There are some people hurting at this table. For some people, this pre-meal is what gets them through their real meal later in the week. People have written that they’ve printed out this yearly post and comments and left the paper in their purse because it helped to have a tangible reminder that there were people out there who got it. Who weren’t going to ask them when they were going to hurry up and have children. Who weren’t going to cringe when someone spoke the name of a child they lost.

We are all so different. All of us. Around this table. But we have this one facet of our lives — and yes, even though it may be a big, overpowering one for you right now, it is only one facet of who you are — where we overlap: infertility or adoption or loss. And I am so thankful, so grateful, that I found all of you. Everyone needs a You-shaped space where they can be themselves. And that’s what I have here.

So every year, I ask people to bring a virtual dish to our meal. Place it in the comment section, explaining what you brought and why. And say anything else you need to say before sitting back down to enjoy the company. Update about where you are; your emotional state.

We’re an international group, hailing from countries all around the world. So while Thanksgiving is an American tradition, I hope that everyone around the world feels as if they can participate. (Especially our Canadian neighbours who celebrated Thanksgiving weeks ago.) I’d love for your dish to come from your culture or country. Don’t worry about the contents on the table clashing.

I am bringing stuffing. It’s comfort food; mushy and soggy and warm.

So what did you bring and what do you want to say to the community?

And please, start eating as everyone is introducing their dish. We don’t want the food to get cold and there are so many of us at this table. Thank you so much for coming, and I’m going to carry the warmth of this meal with me for the rest of this week.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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While we’re on the topic of other places (at least, we were yesterday), I was cracking up over this Business Insider post of 24 things that are normal in the US but weird to the rest of the world.

There are some that I find weird, too.  Why is our money all one colour?  But a chunk of the other ones didn’t seem (1) unique to the US or (2) something widespread in the US.

We’ve tipped in every country we’ve ever visited.  Not as Americans acting American, but because there was a note on the receipt about leaving a tip.  That’s what bathroom stalls have looked like in many public places around the world.  And enormous portions have been the norm every place I’ve traveled — from hole-in-the-wall restaurants in small towns in the Middle East to restaurants in European capital cities.  On the other hand, while I’ve certainly seen Solo cups used at parties, it’s more plastic cups in general.  People are happy to use blue ones or clear ones or red ones.  I’m not sure where they only use red Solo cups in the US.

But the ice thing.  Yeah, we love our ice.

What do you think of the list?

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Are you also doing #MicroblogMondays? Add your link below. The list will be open until Tuesday morning. Link to the post itself, not your blog URL. (Don’t know what that means? Please read the three rules on this post to understand the difference between a permalink to a post and a blog’s main URL.) Only personal blogs can be added to the list. I will remove any posts that are connected to businesses or are sponsored post.

Yes, I needed to scream that title.

I didn’t know when the mail carrier handed me the little package that my heart was forever going to live outside my chest in book form.  People, I am in love with dwarsliggers.

My sister saw them at a bookstore and surprised me with the only John Green book I haven’t read: Looking for Alaska.

She sent it without letting me know, so I was completely shocked when I opened the package and found a tiny book inside.

It opens horizontally instead of vertically to fit more text on the page.

Which means it also fits more love inside my heart.

Because it is so cute.  And so awesome.  And my sister is the BEST.

I spoke at my last middle school career day this week, and I followed it up with our final middle school parent-teacher conferences.  Both were bittersweet.  There’s a chance that I’ll be asked to speak at career day again, but it’s unlikely that their former teachers will want to sit down and speak about their class performance if… you know… they’re in a different school.

You guys know that I’m not a fan of lasts.

I drove the kids to school that day because I needed to be there at the same time and mused that for this final career day, I should give myself a new job.  A more exciting job.  “Please don’t embarrass us,” the ChickieNob begged.

“What would be embarrassing about telling your classmates that I’m an astronaut who rides around the sky in a rocket ship?” I asked.

“Because you’re not.  You’re not an astronaut.  Please be normal,” the Wolvog warned.

“Or I could tell them that I’m a spy, but I’ve blown my own cover because I think career day is that important.  Better to tell the kids about being a spy than to get to continue in my undercover work.”

Needless to say, they ditched me the moment I turned off the car in the lot.

I stuck to talking about my normal job, except for a moment where I asked a random child whether she would believe me if I told her that I was an astronaut.  She said no.  So… yeah… stuck with the script.

*******

Stop procrastinating.  Go make your backups.  Don’t have regrets.

Seriously.  Stop what you’re doing for a moment.  It will take you fifteen minutes, tops.  But you will have peace of mind for days and days.  It’s the gift to yourself that keeps on giving.

As always, add any new thoughts to the Friday Backup post and peruse new comments in order to find out about methods, plug-ins, and devices that help you quickly back up your data and accounts.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “I Am Done Marking Myself…” (Different Shores)
• “Childlessness: Bittersweet and Also Invisible” (No Kidding in NZ)

Okay, now my choices this week.

I loved Inconceivable’s post about thinking about the cost of all items in terms of IVF cycles.  “New flooring? Around the cost of the drugs for two fresh IVF cycles.  Chimney cap? About the cost of clinic fees for a TI cycle.  Down payment on a house? About two fresh IVF cycles plus the FET thrown in.”  It is mind-blowing when I think about the cost of cycles and how we paid it without thinking twice, even commenting that it was a bargain because we had some insurance coverage.

Searching for Our Silver Lining has a post about Michelle Obama’s miscarriage/IVF confession this week and how she’s in a position to share information that can bring understanding, too.  She writes, “I can give those reading a basic understanding, arming you with enough information to understand the lingo. Because Michelle Obama is absolutely right: we need to understand our bodies, how they work and how they don’t.”  Head over to her blog because she’s going to unpack the science side of things.

My Path to Mommyhood has a post about hurtful comments she heard recently, both having to do with time and a belief that when you have kids, you are suddenly unable to do anything other than spend time with those kids.  Apparently you cannot read and you cannot cook anything more complicated than Spaghetti-Os.  It all comes down to this: “But it really burned my britches to have my free time exploits so summarily judged and put into the box of, ‘Well, she doesn’t have kids,’ most definitely packaged as a statement of what isn’t rather than what is, of a lack rather than an alternative.”  No one wants their time judged (please don’t judge me for the amount of time I spend playing Farm Heroes), so why the hell do people do it to others?

Lastly, Waiting for Baby Bird talks about how infertility takes a person through the five stages of grief each month in a loop.  She explains: “The grief that is brought on by infertility is different. It’s unique. And hard to explain. Making it even harder for people to understand. After all, you do not grieve what was lost, or what has died. But rather what never was.  And what you fear might never be.”  It’s an eye-opening post that ends with a call for comfort.

The roundup to the Roundup: Final middle school career day and conferences.  Your weekly backup nudge.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between November 9th and November 16th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

I’ve written a post like this every year, bringing together all the advice from the years before (my own and what appeared in the comment section) and then opening it up to additional ideas (which will be brought next year into the new post as well). Because this time of year can be both impossibly difficult or impossibly wonderful depending on which side of the happiness line you fall, and I say that even as a non-Christian who doesn’t need to do anything more than participate in a volunteer project and eat a bunch of candy canes on Christmas.

Holidays are a lot of pressure — to get them right, to coordinate schedules/needs/wants, to navigate relationships, to travel. For some people those pressures are additionally pressed down by the knowledge of people missing from the table — either those who were once here or those who haven’t been brought into your family yet. And compounding it all is this ongoing message that holidays must be fun! They must be a happy time! Families must draw together and eat a spiral ham in front of a roaring fire with a sparkling tree in the background!

Even if they’re out of work. Even if they don’t have the family they want. Even if they’re in mourning.

For people who are happily moving through the holiday season, especially those finally celebrating after many dry years, I lift my virtual glass of champagne to you and send you off to enjoy it. Don’t apologize for being happy — just soak in this time.

For anyone else still sticking around to read this, remember that everyone experiences something in life that makes a particular year or set of years difficult for them. That for every holiday season that you enjoy and look forward to participating in, there is also a time in life where you dread all the reminders that come with a holiday season and wish you could avoid the whole thing. And this year may be that time for you, but it won’t always be that time for you. Things change; both for good and bad. This too shall pass.

You can sit out of the festivities if that’s what you need to do, but a survival guide is sort of like holding your breath to eat (you know, so you don’t taste anything) when your mother asks you to try lima beans. Like slimy green lima beans, going to events is usually good for you, and it’s important to be around people who care about you when the going is tough. You just may need a trick for getting through family time just as mouth-breathing (and not tasting) works for choking down undesired foods.

I’ll offer up the same advice I give every year with additional notes from comments that came on those old posts:

• Create your own incentives and treat getting through the holiday season as your job. Pay yourself in whatever will make you happy. For instance, after a trip to the local mall to have your picture taken with your niece and Santa, pay yourself with a manicure. Attending the holiday party from hell may win you an entire bar of chocolate. It’s worth setting up small incentives and budgeting for your own happiness because it can be something to focus on during the task at hand.

• You know the idea that you can take a large school and make it small but you can’t go the other way around? Flip that concept when it comes to the holidays: take a small part of the holiday and make it big. Focus on something that you can do and make it your contribution to the holiday season. If you know celebrating Christmas will be too much, make sure you throw yourself wholeheartedly into helping prepare Thanksgiving (and then develop an unfortunate case of the stomach flu on December 24th). If you can organize the family gift but can’t fathom how you’ll do Christmas dinner, make sure you send out an email to your siblings early asking for photos of your nieces and nephews so you can design a great picture calendar for your parents. And then skip the ham.

• Do all your shopping online instead of subjecting yourself to walking past the displays of toys and Christmas baby clothes at the store. Keep it simple this year – you have a lifetime to plot out the most fantastic gifts of all time. This may be the year that you need to buy a DVD or book for each person your list and be done.

• Leave a note in your pocket: write a note to yourself, ask a friend to jot something down, trade letters with your partner, or simply leave a list of names (therapist, fellow bloggers, the friend you’ll drink with the moment you get home) in your pocket to touch as a reminder that someone has your back when you begin to feel overwhelmed at the holiday table. I can’t be with you at your Christmas dinner (the whole Jew and vegetarian thing aside, I just don’t think your family is going to be cool if you drag along a random blogger), but I can give you a note right now to keep in your pocket. Simply print this out and whenever you get overwhelmed, touch it and remember that there are people out there who get you. And change the line about mini hot dogs if you’re a vegetarian:

Hey Sweetie:

I know it was really hard to come to this party/dinner/get together but now that you’re here, you’re even closer to it being over. Try to enjoy yourself, but if you can’t, nip into the bathroom for a cry or bury yourself at the buffet table and do nothing but eat mini hot dogs for the rest of the night. There is no shame in enduring rather than enjoying and you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this without ruining any relationships. Make sure you take time for yourself today/tonight after you get home. I’m here on the other end of the computer if you need me.

Love,
Mel

• Pick and Choose: there is no rule that says you must attend every event during the holiday season – even if you’ve gone to everything in the past. If it’s going to cause more grief than it’s worth, just attend the event. But if you can get your partner to “surprise” you with a holiday trip, all the better.

• Book: I actually include a lot of ideas like these in Navigating the Land of If to get through life in general; not just holiday. I’m just saying.

• I will tell you the only trick I have up my sleeve: the holiday card. Most holiday cards we receive are either generic package-of-12 types or pictures of kids/families. We send out cards every year that routinely get responses that it was the best card they’ve gotten all year, or sometimes the best card ever. Sometimes one fabulous photo of us in some fabulous locale; sometimes a whole series around the world (which it will have to be again this year). We used to just have a normal photo card, but now we include a newsy update of career progress and travels. The people with kids (or limited funds, or limited outlook) say, “Wow, your life is amazing. I’m stuck here at home.” I’m not trying to make them feel envious of us, but envy is way better than pity. –Baby Smiling in Back Seat

• All of our friends have been sending photo X-mas cards in the past years. In previous years, we’d send an awesome vacation photo. Like- heh!- we still had fun this year! –Mrs. Spock

• One tip I figured out early on: If you can’t shop online & have to go to the mall, find out what hours Santa will be there — & then go when he’s not around. There won’t be as many kids & babies around to deal with then. –The Road Less Travelled

• I manage to work in a reference to Katie in every edition of our Christmas letter … usually in relation to our volunteer work. But I like being able to remind people that she was real & is still a part of our lives. My Christmas card itself usually has either an angel or Classic Pooh theme (which was also the theme of her nursery). I know other people who use angel stamps on their cards as a subtle reminder of their lost baby(s). –The Road Less Travelled

• This year I solved my problem in the cowardly fashion … I offered to work. I work at a domestic violence shelter, which is open 24/7 … So I figure I might as well. I can get paid double time as well, so it’s all sorts of awesome. –An Unwanted Path

• I started listening to holiday music in August this year. I’m using it as my own private technique for connecting with the joy of the season early enough that I won’t suddenly get trampled in the crush of child-centric images, events, and conversations coming my way during the actual season. I want this year to be different! –Lisa

• Instead of focusing on what I can’t handle, I’m heading into the season excited about the possibilities of the new traditions TH and I will make this year. I’m just going to roll with the punches. If I’m really excited about putting up the tree, we’re going to do it and not wait. If I can’t handle being around our nephew, TH can go and I can stay home. I’m not going to force myself into any situation, and I’m just going to accept where I am and be there. –Kim

• I just bought three bottles of my favorite wine yesterday to take to my mom’s… and I don’t plan to share any of it. –Guera!

• I think I’m going to plan something for just me and my husband so we’ve got an event during the holiday season to look forward to. It’s either going to be going out to a really nice restaurant or going on a trip (or possibly both!). —Sushigirl

• I’m a big fan of lights. Lights inside and out of the house. But putting up the tree where cute handmade kid ornaments should be was always too hard. So I just put up lights – it goes back to finding out what you can do to enjoy the season and doing it. —BigPandMe

• Two years ago at Christmas right after my 3rd miscarriage I was in a really bad place and dreading the holidays. My mom suggested that instead of our normal Christmas Eve meal we make homemade Chinese food – egg rolls, stir fry, etc. It turned out great and for whatever reason not having to face the traditional meal made it so much better. Don’t get me wrong – it was still really hard – but I got through it and was happy that I spent time with my family instead of avoiding the whole holiday. –Becky

• And “work” can also mean volunteer work. Nobody is going to get mad at you for selflessly devoting your time and skills at a soup kitchen instead of sitting around the family table (or for rushing from the family table to do said work). Or they might, but they’ll end up looking like the bad guy, not you. —Bea

• Remember it’s just a day. It has no power. You don’t have to enjoy it. Lots of people don’t. —Mali

• Sometimes things suck, and sometimes, you have to feel what you’re going to feel while things suck. It’s okay to mourn and it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to not pull yourself up by the bootstraps based on someone else’s timetable rather than your own. And that sometimes, when you push yourself to do something, you find that you actually derived a great deal of peace from the experience. Such as sitting down at the Thanksgiving table when you’re sort of dreading being around people. –Me (from two years ago)

• By refusing to stay over, so that I know we can go home when we’ve had enough. Oh sorry, we’ve got the cat to feed, we can’t possibly stay longer… —Rebecca

• As someone who had (is having) a happy IF ending that resulted in children, I find myself very aware of the depression of holidays past. So this year, I’m doing two Christmas cards: one for family and other friends who experienced a happy IF ending, and one for those who are still waiting with empty arms. The first will, of course, include a picture of our family and children and all the enjoyment of the past year. The second will be less “kids in your face” and more “Happy Holidays, we love you.” I remember how much it stung to get Christmas cards in the mail of new babies and young families that I wanted so badly for myself. I just can’t do it to my friends how I KNOW are enduring the same heartache. —Amy

• Lots of wine and a sober husband to get me home. When everyone is so busy doting on kids or passing around gifts, its easy to just be in the room, but just off to the corner, on the outskirts, enjoying drink after drink. And I also let hubby tackle the “so when are you guys gonna have kids” questions. —Kimberly

• We’ll have a big breakfast, then go out for a real long walk (10 miles), then we’ll come back and cook a sumptuous dinner for the two of us, then in the evening, we’ll head out to the in-laws when the children will be in bed and we can just stay an hour or so before being tired and heading home for our beds. –Flowergirl

• My husband and I started a tradition a few years ago that we cherish. We each spend the holiday season in search of the perfect tree ornament for the other. We decorate with the old looking blown glass ornaments and we try to find something that really represents the other person. My hubby’s have been a motorcycle, an old school looking robot, a space taser gun, Santa serving up beers, among a few others. This gave us something to focus on other than what was missing. —Lacie

• My best advice is always to make the holidays as nice as you can for yourself. I love getting the Christmas tree and decorating, so I have been buying ornaments and looking at holiday decorating ideas. It has always been a happy part about Christmas, with or without children, whether or not I’ve been in a relationship, so it is the thing I can hang on to. —Chickenpig

• Spending the holidays where the celebration is so different from what you are used to also really helped- yes there were lots of Christmas decorations around, and small children, but there were no Santa photo stands. —Persnickity

• I would say to just take care of yourself. You know what you need to help yourself so do what makes you feel good and not what others expect you to do. —Cautious Optimist

• For me, prioritization is definitely the key to getting through the holidays. Even before infertility, I’ve always been an introvert, and it can feel pretty overwhelming to be around people so much – even people I genuinely like. I try to go through my list of holiday stuff/events and figure out which things are high priority. Then I try to go to those and not worry about the rest of it too much. — Katherine A

• And if I really have to be at an event and I don’t want to be there, I keep to the outskirts of the group and nurse a drink. If I ever find myself needing an out, a quick SOS text to a friend and a call from them with a sudden “emergency” gives me that out if I’m desperate. — Kimberly

• Start a new tradition. One new recipe (despite people’s insistence on the same food year after year), a themed gift to give people (think goofy fuzzy socks or imported candy), a trip instead of gifts, movie marathons, men cook something for a change (make it a dare, or bet money on who makes the best stuffing), things like that. I myself like themed cocktails. Candy crush martini anyone? — Deathstar

• I don’t know if it’s survival or not, but for the last three years I have joined a secret Christmas card swap on Postcrossing (on the forums). You nominate how many cards you want to send ( limited for some countries due to participant numbers) and the organiser does a lot of work and sends through a list of people to send them through to… It’s fun to find cards for people in random places, and it is really fun to receive surprises from overseas, too. —Persnickety

• If you have to do a family thing, throw yourself into doing something that’s not part of the normal festive routine or, even better, do something different on Christmas day (we had a barbecue. In the snow). —Sushigirl

• Once when I had a really tough holiday season ahead of me, a friend had offered for me to come to her house for Thanksgiving. I wish I had taken her up on her offer. Sometimes doing something different or getting out of town can really help. —Jamie

• Personally, if I could manage it, I think I’d spend almost every holiday season somewhere where I could just do my own thing, and feel excited about being somewhere new, or somewhere I love, or doing something I love. We have friends who always, always fly internationally on Christmas Day, a) because they don’t have families they feel they should be with, b) it’s a way to avoid the feeling that they’re missing something, and c) because the flights are so much cheaper, and upgrades are so much easier to get! —Mali

• One thing that we did that made the holidays bearable was to schedule a vacation. Can involve traveling (in our case, to Las Vegas) or a simple staycation. Having something to look forward to in the middle of the holiday hoopla helped make getting through some of those required events manageable. It also gave us something to talk about when the conversation steered towards “so what have you guys been up to?” or the dreaded conversations about family expansion. —Cristy

• I am lucky enough to be a very involved Aunt, so I generally find the holidays fun and exciting – but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to going home from the family dinner, or climbing into bed mid-Christmas morning and sobbing. As long as I keep busy, I am OK but as soon as I take a breather – there it is, snatching away my happiness. —Raven

• It’s a celebration of what is RIGHT NOW, and not a moping of what might-have-been. I mean, we can mope if we want to, but we’ll do it in the snowy mountains with a glass of wine in hand in front of a fireplace with a good book on our laps. —Jess

• The one I focus on for myself – I control how much time I spend at the holiday events I do not enjoy. For example, I must attend my mother in laws cookie party even though it is very uncomfortable for me. But I don’t have to attend every minute – I go an hour late so I miss the dramatic ornament exchange and torturous party games, and I leave after food and the cookie exchange. I am pleasant while there and can get out with my sanity. –Beth

• I liked the idea of just getting people a book or DVD this year and that I can stress about buying the prefect present some other year. —Dubliner in Deutschland

• It’s okay to take care of yourself despite the pressure to do otherwise … What still helps is not feeling blindsided. Everyone above mentions some sort of plan to deal with this (limiting time, having a planned response, figuring out ways to celebrate in your own way prior to dealing with others). But the other thing is I’ve found these questions emerge when there’s some sort of lull in the conversation or the questioners are lacking anything else to connect over. I realize most don’t mean to be hurtful with these questions, but often they aren’t thinking about the impact of their questions or conversations. —Cristy

• My way to get through the season is just putting one foot in front of the other. Isolate and participate in self care as needed. But eventually it will pass. —Manapan

• Something that’s helpful with the overwhelmingness of the season and shopping is to either try to do most of the shopping in November (so you can relax in December and watch everyone else go crazy), or do a lot of online shopping at little interesting catalog sources like Bas Bleu, Uncommon Goods, Signals, etc. Bonus if they benefit a cause. I love to shop local, too, which keeps me out of the mall. The mall is the devil. —Jess

• Perhaps my advice for this year would be that you shouldn’t feel the need to do the same thing every year, just because it’s how you’ve always done it. That includes how you did it, pre-loss & infertility, and it includes since then too. —Loribeth

I hope you can take comfort in knowing that there are a lot of people out there who are either in the same boat or have lived through a difficult holiday season and have your back. How do you get through the holiday season when you’re feeling less than your best?