Carolyn Hax gets it.  Usually, that is.  I mean, the woman isn’t a robot.  She sometimes overlooks things, but on the whole, she gets it.  I loved her explanation of what it means to live childfree after infertility in a recent column.  I saved this until Thanksgiving was over because I didn’t want it to get buried in the holiday posts.

The situation was a same-sex couple: one wanted a child, the advice seeker didn’t.  They would clearly need assistance to conceive, so let’s try-but-not-try was out of the question.  They decided to not have a child, and the advice seeker stated: I see this as nothing more than sticking to our default state of childlessness, but my partner clearly thinks I have gotten my way and feels owed something in return.

Advice seeker wonders why getting a pet wasn’t a reasonable substitution.  Carolyn gently explained what the questioner couldn’t understand.

That they weren’t sticking a default state because her partner had been in a different state.  Yes, before and after were both without a child, but before — for the partner — included a future where she was a mother.  And after — for the partner — was a future where she was no longer a possible mother.  I often see people write that they didn’t lose anything, so they don’t know how to mourn, but Hax points that people DO lose something: they lose their future self.  No small loss.

Hax states:

Your decision lopped off your partner’s expected life path. You came to it mutually, yes, but in areas where there is no compromise, just either-or, even a mutual decision means one of you 100 percent gets your way. You did here. This is not just something your partner “thinks.”

But maybe the most important point of all:

You can’t provide a substitute for a child. You didn’t choose a different thing, you chose a different life.

That is IT.  There is no substitute, which is why there is no simple way to “get over it” or “move on.”  You need to mourn because there is nothing else that can fill a child-sized hole except a child.  That’s not to say you will forever feel a breeze blowing through you, but just that it’s an actual loss that needs to be recognized by others and mourned by the person/couple experiencing the loss.

And that concept that it impacts your life.  It changes your life path.  And that is no small thing, too.  It needs to be acknowledged.  Not pitied but acknowledged because we should recognize people’s life changing events.

Hax tells the question asker, your partner is grieving.  And with this simple statement, she opens the door to empathy.  To care.  To offering a kind word and a hug and not an opinion.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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It’s that time of year when whatever we struggle with comes to a head.  Blame it on the presentation of the unattainable, perfect life.  Blame it on unrealistic movies, commercials, and social media feeds.  Blame it on the fact that we get sucked in even when we know it’s as fake as snow at Disney World.

If you’re feeling completely down about a problem you’ve been chipping away at forever, psychologists have found the secret to getting motivated again: give advice to someone who is struggling with the same problem.  It’s a really brilliant study, pointing out that people who are dealing with the problem are experts on the problem.

The post points out: “If you’re completely clueless about the resources or strategies necessary for progress, asking for help is probably the best first step. But if you (like most of us), know what you need to do, but are having trouble actually doing it, giving someone advice may be the push you need.”

So what advice do you have to give?

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Are you also doing #MicroblogMondays? Add your link below. The list will be open until Tuesday morning. Link to the post itself, not your blog URL. (Don’t know what that means? Please read the three rules on this post to understand the difference between a permalink to a post and a blog’s main URL.) Only personal blogs can be added to the list. I will remove any posts that are connected to businesses or are sponsored post.

I got new glasses.  When I went in to choose the new frames, I started by looking at glasses that looked similar to my current glasses.  But the woman convinced me to go in a completely different direction, hinting that I may one day need bifocals and my current frame is too thin and small for progressives.

I am trying to get accustomed to them because (1) they’re a new prescription and (2) they’re a little uncomfortable still, but I think I like them?  I don’t know.

(I have really short arms, and I’m not very good at taking a selfie.  Plus my hair is in a messy bun.  I’m a mess.  That’s it.  I’m actually a mess.)

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I’m reading my first James Bond novel.  It’s my first experience with James Bond; meaning, I’ve never seen a James Bond film.  The only thing I know about the character is what I learned at the Spy Museum’s 007 exhibit.

I mentally grade every book I read.  If I grade a book an A or a B, I keep reading.  If I grade a book a D or an F, I stop.  C’s are in limbo; usually they either become a low B and I keep reading, or I decide they’re really a D and I stop.  But the entire concept of James Bond has stayed solidly in C territory for me, and I’m over 100 pages in.  This almost never happens.  I don’t like it enough to keep reading, AND I don’t hate it enough to stop.

So maybe I should have started this by saying, “I’m reading my first and maybe last James Bond novel.”

Do you like James Bond?  Why or why not?

I am smitten with Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore.  I’m halfway through, and it is the best mental sorbet before bed to clear my mind from the day’s news.  I feel like one of you recommended this to me, but I can’t find the comment anymore.  So… thank you to the wonderful person who recommended this book.  It is totally and completely enjoyable.  And it is exactly what I need.

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Stop procrastinating.  Go make your backups.  Don’t have regrets.

Seriously.  Stop what you’re doing for a moment.  It will take you fifteen minutes, tops.  But you will have peace of mind for days and days.  It’s the gift to yourself that keeps on giving.

As always, add any new thoughts to the Friday Backup post and peruse new comments in order to find out about methods, plug-ins, and devices that help you quickly back up your data and accounts.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• None… sniff…

Okay, now my choices this week.

It’s Inconceivable has a post about the intersection of work and loss.  She writes, “We hear so much about the struggles of women with children juggling work and their family commitments … What of those of us who have had numerous losses or loss of hopes and aspirations of a family, or juggling the rollercoaster that is infertility treatment in the world of work?”  It is such an important and interesting conversation.

Baby Ridley Bump is processing her recent loss after the D&C.  She is raw: “All I can think about is how I am supposed to be pregnant right now.  How our baby shared it’s due date with my husband’s birthday, how everything seemed to be meant to be and aligned so perfectly, yet it was taken away so quickly.  I’ve been crying all week at work and I am still just so unbelievably sad about it.”  It is a post about the difference between a physical recovery and an emotional recovery, and how each unfolds at its own pace.

Lastly, Non Sequitur Chica had a post last week (but I read it this week when I was catching up in my feedreader) about seeing Michelle Obama.  With pictures!  But the interesting part is that Obama explained why she didn’t talk about IVF while she was in the White House.  “So while she is happy to be open about IVF, going through marriage counseling, etc. now she didn’t really think that it was appropriate to talk about it while she was in the White House. There were so many other things going on at the time, she didn’t want to be a distraction.”  I’ve been seeing a lot of people discuss her timing and how it would have made a difference if she had talked about it in the White House.  I don’t think one person can change public opinion like that, so that burden shouldn’t be placed on her shoulders.  But it is interesting to consider what people choose to use their platform to get people thinking about.

The roundup to the Roundup: Love Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore.  Your weekly backup nudge.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between November 16th and November 23rd) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Sometimes you see a word once, and then you see it again and again in various places.  Wabi-sabi is one of those words, and it seems like a perfect one to trot out today.  I’ve read a bit about it, and my understanding of the concept probably doesn’t do it justice.  But I’ll place it out there just in case it speaks to you the same way it speaks to me.

The concept centers on the idea of finding beauty in the “imperfect.”  Or, as Utne Reader explains:

Wabi-sabi reminds us that we are all transient beings on this planet—that our bodies, as well as the material world around us, are in the process of returning to dust. Nature’s cycles of growth, decay, and erosion are embodied in frayed edges, rust, liver spots. Through wabi-sabi, we learn to embrace both the glory and the melancholy found in these marks of passing time.

Thanksgiving is a way I mark time.  It’s not the holiday itself, but I’m usually with family, and it makes me fretful because I can see time passing.  The kids don’t look like they did five Thanksgivings ago.  The world feels different from it did ten Thanksgivings ago.  But I also love this day that makes me a little melancholy.  Hours spent with people I love, eating the side dishes and too much dessert.

That’s beautiful, too.

I hope you are having a great day doing whatever you do to celebrate (or not celebrate) Thanksgiving.