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Three Waves of Loneliness

There was a study that came out right before Christmas about how loneliness comes in three waves during life: late-20s, mid-50s, and late-80s. Not that you can’t be lonely at other times, but those are the big time periods for emotional upheaval.

CNN had a quote from one of the authors of the study:

“One thing to remember is that loneliness is subjective. Loneliness does not mean being alone; loneliness does not mean not having friends,” said Jeste, who is also director of UC San Diego’s Center for Healthy Aging. “Loneliness is defined as ‘subjective distress.’ ” It is the discrepancy between the social relationships you want and the social relationships you have, he said.

So loneliness is in the eye of the beholder, and it’s often tied to what is happening in your life and feeling apart from others even while surrounded by many.  Some life events we go through “alone,” even when we’re not alone.

The authors stated the reason for loneliness in your late-20s is tied to decisions — life decisions and career decisions.  Mid-50s loneliness is tied to health.  (It made me think of Spalding Gray’s Bermuda Triangle of Health between 50 and 53.). Late-80s is tied to loss and end-of-life situations.  So they’re all high-stress situations that make you feel like you’re floating out there on your own.  Even if you’re not alone.

I’ve clearly already lived through my late-20s.  I did feel lonely, but it was from going through infertility; not decisions.  But mid-50s is on the horizon.

I wonder if it’s helpful to be told that a certain time period will be X.  Or does it become a self-fulfilling prophecy where you’re filled with dread because you’re told you’re going to feel awful; and, in turn, you end up feeling awful due to the dread?  Is it better to have the heads up and mentally get your ducks in a row (if you can), or better to let things unfold without the warning of how stressed out you will feel?

Too late; I’m already worried about the next decade.

5 comments

1 Sharon { 02.19.19 at 12:17 pm }

Interesting. At the risk of pointing out the obvious. . . a majority of people don’t live into their late 80s, statistically speaking (life expectancy in the U.S. is currently around 79 years).

I never seem to follow these usual patterns. Married later, had children later, changed careers at age 30. So I don’t think I’m destined to have a wave of loneliness in my mid-50s.

2 Jess { 02.19.19 at 5:28 pm }

Interesting, kind of goes with quarter of life crisis, mid-life crisis, and end-of-life crisis. 29 was tough for me — the end of my marriage, uncertainty of a new career in teaching, turning 30 without a husband, child, house, or steady established job. That definitely felt lonely. I feel like 50s could be lonely, but I hope that I will not be thanks to support networks. 40s have been lovely. End of life, I hope is 90s. I can see knowing what’s coming, but also hoping to avoid the loneliness.

3 Bea { 02.20.19 at 6:54 am }

For me, it’s nice to feel like these things are normal. Then I don’t have to expend so much energy trying to figure them out, I just need to let them pass. Of course life is full of ups and downs that probably dwarf these period. It’s not going to be exactly the same for everyone and the human brain will see patterns where it wants to… maybe hearing this just bought me a couple of free periods of thinking “oh this is a thing to not worry about it’s just a life pattern thing”.

4 Lori Lavender Luz { 02.20.19 at 3:30 pm }

Beginning adulthood, mid adulthood, late adulthood. I can see how there would be a more-than-usual reflection on one’s life at these points. If we get to have them. I hope it’s not a self-fulfilling thing! I feel pretty unlonely right now. Thank you for this post that helps me see that!

5 Cristy { 02.20.19 at 8:09 pm }

That’s an interesting question to chew on. On the one hand, one can hold onto the expected; but on the other comes steeling oneself for the dread of a situation. Also, what happens if you don’t fall into the expected trend (which seems to be my default at the moment)?

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