At the same time, we’ve already composed the music and are writing the lyrics for our entry in the next International Infertility Film Festival. It has a seasonal theme and all I can say right now is that our four verses each cover a different season.

Josh: Melissa–get off the computer and stop talking to yourself.

Watch the film here

Yuck

When my new OB handed me my new prescription for Prometrium, he mentioned that he prefers patients to take it orally.

“Oh…,” I said, trying to decipher his handwriting on the script. I was wracking my brain to remember what Kris wrote about the different progesterones. “So they make an oral progesterone now?”

“It’s the same one,” he told me. “You can either use it as a suppository or ingest it. I prefer patients to ingest it. I think it works better that way.”

No offense, but there are things that belong in your hoohaa and there are things that belong in your mouth. And with a single exception, there is nothing that belongs in both places. You don’t put milk-soaked cheerios in your vagina so why should you slip progesterone down your throat?

Am I the only person in the world completely nauseated of the idea of putting something I once thought of as a suppository in my mouth?

Side Effects

I know this is silly because it’s only 81 mg, but I thought that one of the side effects of taking a daily baby aspirin would be that I would never get headaches. It would be a preventative painkiller. It would blot out the pre-cramps that signal an upcoming period.

It doesn’t really work like that.

At all.

Bell Ringing

This is the worst part about knowledge: you don’t know until you have it that you really didn’t want it. And at that point, it’s too late to unring the bell. After many weeks of thinking about temping and forgetting to temp, my new OB’s request to run a new day-21 progesterone test was the perfect reason to pop the thermometer back in my mouth. That number dictated my whole mood for the day.

And this is what I learned after all of those months of having 30-day cycles and thinking that things had somehow normalized with my cycles: I didn’t ovulate when I had the right cervical mucous. I ovulated many days later on day-21. My temperatures hovered right above the coverline. My LP ended after 9 days. So much for a perfect 30-day cycle.

I want my new OB to run day-3 blood work for me.

Do I really want to know the results knowing that I can’t unring the bell once I see my FSH level?

What does the hope buy me if I end up learning down the line that it was paste instead of diamonds?

In another month, it will be my first blogoversary (June 25th). I know, I know, these blogs grow up so fast. Just the other day it was a little toddler, asking questions about the worst thing anyone has ever said to you in regards to infertility and now it’s a surly teenager, stealing cigarettes from the local 7-11 and drinking beer under the bleachers.
Um…

And I know that everyone’s blog turns a year old at some point. I know that many people have blogs that are two, three, or even four. But almost 500 posts in a first year feels like it’s cause for celebration.

Why do I deserve a week of festivities when my blog is no more special than anyone else’s blog? Because I’m asking for it. It’s not that I’m more deserving–it’s just that I have the chutzpah to ask. And the other reason is that while my blog is my own thoughts and feelings, I have always seen it more as a public space–a public living room sans crap bucket or a bar that serves virtual drinks. So it’s really a celebration of all of us–an entire community of men and women who are bonded together by a simple pomegranate-coloured thread.

What do you think? Will you eat cake and comment and join in whatever hairbrained activities I think up for this week-long celebration? Consider this a pre-party RSVP to find out if anyone would even be willing to eat cake. Online. At the same time. Before I spend more time coming up with ideas of how we can virtually come together for a week-long love fest.

So…now back to your regularly scheduled round-up:

Julie at A Little Pregnant had a wonderful post this week called “Worth It” where she muses about the idea of stopping the process of adding to her family. When she talks about how enticing it is to simply stop, people assume she means that she is seeing the benefits to being done with babyhood–a sweet time, but definitely a hard time. But it isn’t that. It’s the idea of being finished with trying to conceive–the roller coaster of emotions and the difficult decisions. For those who haven’t had trouble conceiving, they overlook the stress of conception and only consider the diapers and bottles and cracked nipples and sleeplessness. But for those who need to clear the hurdle of conception or carrying first? It’s a minefield that few have the tenacity to walk across again and again. And yet, when you know what you’ll miss by not walking through that minefield to the other side? It is enough to break your heart as you stand in place. Sending good thoughts to you as you suss this out.

Asheggy at The Spirit of Magnolia had a post this week about letting go of a dream. Even when you are 1000 kinds of excited to adopt, there still is a mourning process that takes place as you shut the book on pregnancy. As a step in that mourning process, Asheggy placed her fertility monitor for sale on Ebay. And felt liberated by having this reminder out of her house. Until…she went to the hospital to visit a friend who just gave birth and the wave of nevers toppled over her: “As I looked at “R” I just couldn’t stand the fact that ‘THAT WOULD NEVER BE ME!‘ I would never carry a baby to term. I would never be in a maternity ward delivering a baby. I would never be blessed with a labor/delivery experience.” It is a very moving post.

Peep at Conflicted is moving onto her first egg donor cycle. In a post this week, she has a paragraph that moved me beyond belief: “Anyway, we are moving on to a donor egg. I am excited about it. Maybe I am in denial but I think I have had long enough to roll it over in my mind and now I am ok with it. I told my husband the other day that one day this precious little girl (?) is going to walk up to us and say mommy, daddy …something cute… and we are going to be glad my eggs sucked because we wouldn’t have THIS one! I know it’s corny and way too positive but that is where I am at now and I have to do what it takes to be at peace with not having a genetic child.” I love that idea that if all the other cycles had worked, you wouldn’t have that child (either now or in the future). Okay, so I wish these cycles would work, but it’s also a gorgeous thought.

Jay at Making Cakes the Hard Way has this melancholy little post this week that I loved. It starts with a description of what so many of us feel at some point or anot
her on this journey: “At the risk of sounding like I’m having a mid-life crisis (I’m not, but that would probably be easier to define), at the moment I feel like I’m stuck in a strange sort of existential limbo. Neither here nor there; not finished with doing something, but not started with the next thing either; not really anywhere solid, safe nor secure.” The entry then continues into a brilliant analogy between trying to conceive and moving to a new house. And you need to read the whole thing to get it, but I promise that you’re going to be nodding along and saying, “so true.”

Lastly, in a blogosphere that is known for desiring a positive, Adrienne at Max’s Mommy explains why a negative can sometimes be a good thing. It’s a thought that has gone through the pregnancy loss journals from time to time (Tina recently had a similar thought on the Waiting Blilt). But it’s a beautiful post about answered prayers that keep a woman from going through another loss. It always moves me when I read something that expands my understanding of life and death and the whispered prayers that fall in between.

So there were three big winners of last week’s guessing game. Somewhat Ordinary, Bea and Karen each got four out of five correct. So you have won this nifty sidebar icon for your blog as well as bragging rights until the next Guess-That-Blogger Roundup. And everyone else in the roundup should grab the roundup icon to add to your post as well. If you want it. No pressure.

So…
In closing…
Your tasks in this order:
1. Send a pre-RSVP whether you would participate in a week of blogoversary festivities if I came up with a week of activities.
2. Read these incredible blog posts above and leave the author a comment.
3. If you live in the U.S., have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Fuck raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens–cancelled IVF cycles take more comfort than can be doled out by Maria and the Von Trapp family. I’d like to keep a monthly roundup of new things or ideas that people have found that have helped them–even if it’s just five minutes of forgetting about infertility–before, during, or after a cycle. Places, products, recipes, books, music, movies–truly anything can go on this list. And people can use it to jog their mind (washing the bed linens and then taking a nap midday on warm, clean sheets? See–simple ideas) or prepare themselves with nice things they could do for themselves during an upcoming cycle (DVDs or books to collect to distract during a two-week-wait). Don’t worry if you’re talking about a local business because chances are that there is another reader who lives close by or will pass through your town at one point. Don’t worry if the product can only be obtained at a local store or if it sounds bizarre once you put your idea into words. If it works for you, it may work for someone else. We’ll hold this roundup once a month. Once a month passes, I’ll move that list into the archives below and set up a new list for the current month. That way people can also do seasonal things or time-sensitive products (for instance, an ice cream flavour that is only on the market for a short period of time). So…list away–add your own favourite things in the comment section of the current list by clicking on the hyperlinked text below: