Posts from — February 2011

The Grateful Said is your way of honouring someone who left a good comment on your post.  Of course, most people had more than one comment each year that they cherished, so it was difficult to choose just one that changed the way you saw your own situation, brought you comfort, were the right words at the right time, or gave you food for thought.

If your blog is not on this list and you wish to participate, this list will be updated until February 28, 2011.  Please read this post and follow the directions to get your blog post and favourite comment listed.

The Grateful Said of 2010

1. From The Celebratory Society this comment by Kir: I remember coming to your blog, finding it, and feeling like I came home. I laughed, I cried a little, I visited often. We emailed (I have kept the email you sent to me about your children saying “GOOD BABY” instead of “GOOD BETA”). I read it about once a month to remind me that so many people were with me in the trenches.
2. From Results are in… this comment by Loveshackbaby: My dog peed on me during insemination once! Yea, she pushed the door open, came in and peed on my foot while we were “taking care of business”.
3. From Enough this comment by Lastchanceivf: But you are enough. Ask any of your students, ask your husband, ask any of the people whose lives you have touched and they will tell you…you just have to believe it 🙂
4. From Context and Culture: When 8 year olds weave carpets this comment by BattyNurse: How sad that this 8 year old had to work and spend months making the rug. Sadder still that she was probably paid very little do it. That said you can look back at even our own culture 100 years ago and children worked. It may have been work at home, around the farm etc and was called chores.
5. From My Scarlet Pain this comment by Augusta: …Those who love you and are close to you understand, as you do, that you deserve the totality of your feelings because they belong to you. So laughing with your best friend does not mean that the immense pain goes away. You know that. She knows that..
6. From Celebratory Society this comment by Kristin: I love the honesty of your writing. There doesn’t seem to be a subject you are afraid to tackle. I also love that all the emotions you are feeling can be felt through your written word. You are an extremely talented writer and I’m glad you are sharing your journey with us.
7. From Defining Moments this comment by Augusta: I hold this possibility with so much hope. May you and your husband and the donor family be blessed with a child. And may there come a spring when, holding this child in your arm, you go over to Lily’s tree and admire its beautiful blooms.
8. From A Tale of Two Cesareans, Part II this comment by Laine: oh, sweetie. I have been thinking of you, worried when you took so long to post again . . . Hang on to your knowledge of who you are. Hugs.
9. From Need a Break this comment by Nims (Lynne): I have been following you here since you left FF, erm… a year and a half ago-ish? I am a silent supporter of many blogs, thinking good thoughts for the people who need them, and I have thought about you and wished for you many times, though…
10. From Omega and Alpha this comment by Areyoukiddingme: It takes courage to let go. Most people think that the courageous are those who take risks, but there is a lot of courage in turning away from things you want too. Much luck, and enjoy your beautiful children.
11. From My Sister Is A Clown this comment by CW: …. but I know I can here, is that now feeling so incredibly less stressed I realise that no baby (ivf or natural) could inhabit in such a tight angry and emotional womb….
12. From Equations this comment by Nuts In May: When I am very angry and sad about the lack of living babies in my own life, I have been known to feel furiously angry with women (random, strangers-to-me women) complaining about pregnancy and motherhood. Really?
13. From It Always Comes Back to Sleeping this comment by Ella: THANK YOU for this post! We are doing the exact same thing with Eliza that you did with Henry. She’s 10 months old and she’s still not STTN, she IS nursing to sleep and we DO go to her when she cries and we DO rock her to sleep sometimes, too. And… we know it is the right thing to do.
14. From The Return of Annacyclopedia, Angry Dork this comment by PaleMother: I felt that big time after #1. Like I’d gotten snapped in the face with a giant Rubber Band Of Truth that had been stretched as far back as it could go without breaking altogether.
15. From A Quarter in a Week this comment by Mandi: Hang in there! I remember how hard holidays were too. I’m pretty sure at one point I told God I was over holidays and could care less unless he could prove to me I had a reason to care. It’ll happen in the right time with the right kid(s) and you’ll be in total awe. I still am!
16. From Connections and Opportunities this comment by Krista: You inspire me every time I read this blog in so many ways. I feel like I am a better person just knowing you because you are so thoughtful, sensitive, and giving. You are going to make unbelievable parents and your little one to be is so lucky!
17. From Identity and Change this comment by Corey Heller: ….when it comes down to it, when we ask ourselves the really deep questions that mean the most, it comes to what you write about in this post. It is about what it means to be who we are in this confusing yet beautiful bicultural mix.
18. From Why this comment by Wyatt & Co: I’ve reached the conclusion that there is not one logical thing about giving birth to children. It is the most intense biological desire and the most intense love imaginable, but from a logical perspective, I don’t see any reason to give birth to a child. If you want to see change in the world, you can do more so by adopting a child. It is simply the desire to experience incredible love for another but I don’t chalk that up to logic.
19. From Cash, Check, or Charge? this comment by Randl: If there is one thing I know about you is that when you put your mind to something there is nothing that will stand in your way to reaching it. Have faith in God and have faith in modern medicine.
20. From Drawing Lines this comment by Esperanza: First of all, I LOVE your blog’s title. I totally felt that way after my ectopic but never found the words. I feel like, reading those words together, a who time in my life feels more settled. It’s hard to explain…
21. From Not Yet a Year and Change this comment by Lori Lavender Luz: One thing I’ve had to allow in open adoption is that “presence” can have a bigger meaning than it used to. The bond of love among people can be called on to compensate for a lack of physical presence.
22. From Thoughtful Thursday: Inferior this comment by Ernessa: So yeah, sometimes I feel inferior for like a minute or two, then it kind of passes and I’m happy being me again. But oh man, did it take a lot of work to get to just happy being me.
23. From Teasing It Out this comment by Orodemniades: Are you afraid that the adoption will fail? Or are you afraid it will succeed?  Or is this really all about control – and the lack thereof?
24. From Blessed this comment by Adele: Lovely baby! Lovely, beloved baby, as well. The degree to which you have provided this love comes across so strongly. Traditions ARE important. It’s so easy to shrug them off in our cynical age. But they mark things, acknowledge the huge changes in life.
25. From Painful memories. Believe in Hope. this comment by Augusta: I go back in time. I make myself transparent. I go into the ultrasound room. I wipe your tears and stroke your hair. Thanks for reminding us to believe in hope. I believe it when you say it.
26. From Head Knowledge To Heart Knowledge… this comment by samcy:  …I am happy to hear is that you are allowing God to use this hardship to nurture and grow your relationship with Him. That is no mean feat, it’s too easy for us to turn our backs on Him in anger and mistrust.  You are a shining light for many of us …
27. You can add your post and favourite comment to this list by following the directions over here.

(Yes, you must endure me talking about the White House for at least a few more days so I can buy myself more time in typing up these notes.)

Last Friday, after I got everything set up for the White House visit, I took the kids out sledding.  As the Wolvog was about to go down the hill, he paused and said, “are you going to ask the President if he takes his kids to school?”

I got confused for a moment because I happen to know the middle school principal at the school that the Obama girls attend, and I thought he was referring to that degree of separation between ourselves and the First Family.  I couldn’t comprehend how he even knew about my connection to that principal, especially because it has been a few years since we last emailed together.  The last time we saw each other, I was still pregnant with the twins, so they certainly hadn’t met her either.

“Why would I ask that?” I finally questioned.

“Because that’s his only rule.  He takes his kids to school.  And keeps it cool.”

Guess Fred Armisen makes a very convincing President Obama to a six-year-old.

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The Weekly What If: What if you had to be trapped in an elevator for hours (in a precarious, nerve-wracking situation) with a celebrity or public figure.  Who would you choose and why?

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The Grateful Said will go up this weekend.  And I’m still finishing getting Creme posts onto the list.  Things keep getting thrown off by all of our snow storms.

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And now, the blogs…

I Won’t Fear Love is back with a post about missing a space and missing a person.  About having the calendar turn again and finding yourself facing an anniversary.  But it is the last line that almost killed me: “Four years ago I was still just a pregnant woman.”  Go read the whole post.

Riding the IVF Roller Coaster has a post about being initiated into the fertile club.  She explains how out-of-sorts she feels discussing pregnancy: “I’m not one of them.  I felt so uncomfortable.  I felt on the spot.  It felt so strange to hear these people being so relaxed and almost flippant about procreation. ”  She muses on the people feeling as if they all have something in common when she feels so different from them.

Diary of a Man Infertile Woman has a gorgeous post which brings together a story about trying to get better in gym class with her latest ultrasound which revealed cysts that are benching her this cycle.  It is about fighting a new nemesis that feels very much like your old nemesis.

Lastly, Fierce and Nerdy has a post announcing her pregnancy following IVF that she tries to write three different ways, and finally realizes that all she has to say is an expression of her happiness.  Though, she does a damn fine job also describing the uselessness of worrying.

The roundup to the Roundup: President Obama is still keeping it cool.  Answer the Weekly What If (I’m leaning towards Stephen Colbert — I think he’d be entertaining while trapped and probably deflect the anxiety with humour).  The Grateful Said will go up this weekend.  And lots of great posts to read.

Yes, it is unbelievably shallow of me to first give you this — the stories behind the day — and then give you the actual meat of what I learned while I was there, but, come on, don’t we all pick up People magazine at the doctor’s office before we pick up the Time magazine?  Aren’t you shallow, flighty things like me?

No?

Well, pretend you’re a shallow, flighty thing like me for the day, and I promise that I’m working on typing up the brilliant things I heard.

Last Thursday night into Friday morning, BlogHer asked if I could attend the Women’s Online Summit at the White House.  Why yes, I could drop editing a manuscript for the day and go hang out with brilliant people.  I knew we’d be covering topics as broad as the economy to health care, all from a women’s perspective.  Which I feared would mean the “pinking down” of information.

What do I mean by “pinking down” information — you know how tool companies put out inferior tools with a pink handle on it because they think women want pretty pink things while they repair their house?  Well, I don’t want the pink version — I want the hardcore metal tools that are going to get the job done because I am serious as all get-out about home repair.  Yes, I’m a woman, but I don’t need my tools to look pretty — I only need them to get the job done.

Which is different from tools that are made with my small hands in mind, that know that my body is built differently from a man and my strength is in my legs rather than my arms.  Tailoring a tool to a person is not the same as pinking it down.

So I was fearful that a Women’s Online Summit could be the pinking down of information, but happily realized within seconds of the day beginning that not only was the information not pinked down, but that the inclusion of the word “women” was merely a lens with which to view the same information that would be presented at any Online Summit.  Major accolades to the White House for starting these conversations with various groups, answering questions, and asking for feedback and ideas for helping disseminate information to the American people.  And what I learned transcended America because the ideology is applicable across the world when looking at women’s place in society.

But I digress from the shallow, flighty portion of this post.

So, over the weekend, I couldn’t say anything beforehand, so I was all casual with rearranging things for Monday, telling people that I had this “thing” I had to be at.  But in my head I was screaming, “That thing is the hite-way ouse-hay!” (I said it in Pig Latin because that’s in code and therefore, I wasn’t actually mentally telling them.)  Because, come on, it’s amazingly cool to get to go to the White House.  If life were a big game of Monopoly, I have already gotten one of those green properties for speaking at the Congressional briefing last year.  Going to the White House would be like acquiring another green property. (I’m not sure what the third green property would be … hanging out with SCOTUS?)  I felt a little out-of-my-body all weekend.

Josh and I devised this bat-shit-insane driving/parking plan that would enable us to drive home together out of the city.  So I started driving into the city, pausing to pee at a Shell station (the man almost said no, but he could see the desperation in my eyes), and I was nearing Walter Reed when traffic slowed to a crawl.  I was watching the clock, watching the seconds ticking closer to 8:45 am when I had to be at the White House gate or miss out on the optional tour.  I was not going to miss the optional tour.  I willed the other people to drive, drive, will you please just driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.  I cannot tell you how painful it is to be stuck on Meridian Hill, seeing the Washington Monument before you, and knowing that you cannot get through the wall of cars to your destination.

I was playing Green Day, which wasn’t helping (especially when the CD ended and “American Idiot” restarted, and I realized that I had gone through the entire CD while I sat in traffic), so I turned it off and did this rocking back and forth motion in the seat as my car inched ahead as if this was going to make the sea of cars part.  I finally parked the car at 8:45 am up in Dupont and called my contact at the White House who told me that I had 10 minutes to get there.

So I tried to get a cab.  The first one pulled over to tell me that he was off-duty.  WHY THE HELL DID YOU PULL OVER THEN?  It was easier to get a cab going in the wrong direction, so I hailed another one, apologized to the driver for the fact that we were going the wrong way, and begged him to get me there in time.  He told me it wasn’t possible.  I told him that I needed him to make it possible.  And like a moment out of a movie set, Khan made it possible.  The man defensively drove through the city, depositing me at the gate in exactly 10 minutes, earning double the cab fare for himself.  Worth every single penny because the group started moving the moment I shut the cab door.

We went through security and entered the East Wing of the White House.  Because we were running late, we got to keep our coats and bags with us.  It was Monday — normally a tour-free day in the White House — so it was quiet and empty of other groups.  Right when the tour began, Bo, bounced by with the grounds keeper.

We walked through the East Wing and got to see the ballroom and the library and the Vermeil room.  It was emotional to walk through the red room and touch the silk on the walls of the green room.

I got teary looking at some of the art — it is all so familiar to you if you grew up in America — and here it was, right in front of me rather than in a book.  It is mind-blowing to think about the history of the space.

After the tour, we walked over to the Executive Office Building for the actual meeting.  There were 25 of us there from various sites.  I can’t really go through the speaker list since our information needs to be unattributed, but we were briefed on the issues by an incredible group of people.  I’ll go through all of that in a later post because there is so much to chew over in the 14 pages of notes I took.  I’m obviously a major supporter of this administration, so it’s not surprising that I was happy to hear about the policy work.  But even if you aren’t a major supporter of this administration, I think it’s important to hear how they are thinking about women within the big picture.  I think they need to be applauded for that even if you don’t agree with the way policy plays out.

So, I’m listening to someone brief us on education issues (who looked and sounded so much like my friend’s husband that I was getting a little doppelgangered out by it), when the door next to me opened and the President walked in.  My body reacted involuntarily by half-standing and gasping loudly.  I plopped down in my seat and the President made a mock gasp back at me and we all laughed.  I half-stood again, plopped down in my chair, finally stood up all the way, and he told us to be seated.

And then he spoke — brilliantly — for a few minutes.  And I was trying to stay in the moment, but it’s sort of like looking at the sun.  My heart was pounding so loudly that it was placing a thump over every few words.  Finally, he wrapped up and said, “I’d like to go around the room and meet all of you.”  He shook my hand first, staring straight into my eyes, and you realized exactly why he’s the President.  Because the rest of the room melts away and he makes you feel as if you are the only person in there.  He’s charismatic and funny and low-key.  He makes you feel so comfortable and so safe.  When he said, “nice to meet you, Melissa Ford,” I could literally hear a Greek chorus of all my ancestors performing an ethereal melisma.

The President left the room and we all were giddy.  When we took a break, I seriously considered not peeing so I wouldn’t have to wash my hands (but memories of catheters past drove me to the stall).  But we got back down to business and finished the briefings and discussions.  I seriously cannot tell you how much I wish every American could have been there to hear the information.  I left the building at 5:15 pm with my brain buzzing, my mind full; already digesting the 3000 ideas that were popping around.  For the first time in a long time, I felt smart.

I got in another cab, happy to see that it was driven by a woman, and she asked me how I was and I screamed, “I just met the President!”  I mean, Khan was great to drive like a maniac through the city and deposit me on time.  But after a really great day, you want a woman to unwind with and talk.  As we drove back to Dupont, she told me in her beautiful Eritrean accent about seeing the First Lady right when they got here.

And that was possibly the theme of the day — we are all just people, moving over the surface of the earth, trying not to negatively affect others, trying to do well for ourselves.  And we come together in these strange formations — cab driver and passenger, President and writer — townspeople meeting and then parting, bearing witness to each other’s moments.

Back in 2008, I wrote about how the twins and I all voted for Obama.  I held them up so they could press the button, and then we erased it and the next one went, and I cast the final vote.  I wanted to give them that experience of being part of that moment.  And that’s what I thought about when I tucked the Wolvog into bed the night before I went to the summit.  He cuddled under his blanket and gave this little smile while he said, “have fun at the White House tomorrow, Mommy!”  And it blew my mind — the bridging of that moment from then to now.  As I shook the President’s hand, I could visualize my hand pushing that button.  And now he’s here in front of me.  And what an amazing world we live in where moments like this happen.

President Barack Obama drops by the Women’s Online Summit in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, Jan. 31, 2011. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

That’s the door he walked through on the far left of the photo, and I’m sitting in the first seat on the far left.  I cannot be blamed for gasps.

Actual write-up of the briefings and a possible cool opportunity for you (yes, you!) coming soon.

Seriously, I live it and I can’t believe how my life goes sometimes.

A longer post will follow tomorrow after I get a moment to breathe and untangle my thoughts (plus I have over 100 photos).  Last Friday (as in 4 days ago), I found out that I was going to the White House for an online summit with 25 other bloggers, editors, and site managers.  I was there representing BlogHer. (Thank you, BlogHer!)

For those curious about how I comported myself when I met the President, I embarrassed myself as I do in front of all famous people.  But the story of the day will have to wait because life just became insanely busy for the day and we’re out of yogurt so I have to do the organic-food-store run.  The Grateful Said will go up next Sunday.

But seriously, it was one of the most amazing, thought-provoking, awe-inspiring days of my life, and I walked away with my mind racing  at the rate of 3000 ideas per minute.

I still can’t believe I was there.  Story to come soon…