Posts from — November 2010

The Creme de la Creme opened this week, and it’s already trucking along with 65 participants in the first 4 days.  And hopefully, a lot of people (hint, hint) will take the weekend (hint, hint) to look through their archives and choose their favourite post from 2010.

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I will probably not update the IComLeavWe list between this morning and Sunday night because I’ll be busy with the Resolve conference.  Rest assured, if you add yourself to it between now and then, you will be uploaded the next time I sit down at the computer.  You don’t need to sign up again.  In fact, please don’t sign up again.  It causes all sorts of problems with updating the list when there are duplicates.

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I am in a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad mood.  And it is making all food taste horrible.  Have you ever had that happen?  Where everything just seems disgusting all of a sudden based on your mood?  Which, did I mention, is absolutely foul?

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The Weekly What If: Think of your least favourite food.  Now what if you were promised that eating 4 ounces of this food daily would put you always in a good mood.  Not that bad things wouldn’t happen to you, but you’d be able to approach them with this great frame of mind.  And when things were the status quo, you’d feel exceptionally cheerful.  The catch is that you need to keep it up every day to have this effect.  So would you eat your daily 4 ounces, and what is your least favourite food?

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And now, the blogs…

Mutemockingbird’s Blog has a post about jealousy as well as what she does to cover up her overwhelming feelings of jealousy.  And how those actions have now backfired terribly.  In the vein of “no good deed goes unpunished,” poor Mutemockingbird is now drowning in baby reminders.

The Inadequate Conception has a wistful post about Halloween.  She writes, “I know that behind the scenes not all of these families were leading the charmed lives that appeared in that two-hour moment at the Halloween festival, but it sure looked nice. And, we were a little jealous.”  I loved how she caught that moment — that even if it wasn’t perfect behind the scenes, the moment she was observing “sure looked nice.”

Yolk has a post about distractions.  She explains, “These days all those things: exercise, my job, my hobbies, etc. all just serve as distractions to fill time while I wait for the only thing that matters to me anymore.”  Go cheer her on as she explains the two distractions that are keeping her going at the moment.

Find Joy Now describes how it feels to be part of two different worlds.  She doesn’t want to hurt the readers who have stuck by her by talking incessantly about her child, but she also doesn’t really relate to other parents.  That isn’t the part that struck me though.  It was this: “This was what I was ultimately working towards.  This was something I could control.  I couldn’t control when a baby would come, I couldn’t force myself to become pregnant, and I certainly couldn’t force a birth mother of father to choose me to parent his or her child.  I could only control my outlook on life and my attitude.”  It’s sort of one of those times where you come to read about the situation, but you walk away thinking about how you approach life.

Lastly, Relaxing Doesn’t Make Babies has her take on Halloween through the lens of loss.  She explains, “Graves and ghosts and horror all take on a different meaning when you have lived through a horror story, when a grave marks the body of your child. I pass houses that have fake graveyards in front of their house and I frown. Not that I think it is wrong that they do that, but I see it from a different perspective now.”  Please go over and read the whole post — it will change the way you look at the world.

The roundup to the Roundup: The Creme de la Creme is now open.  I won’t be on the computer much this weekend.  I’m in a horrible mood.  Answer the Weekly What If.  And lots of great posts to read.

If you’ve been following the story between Justin Long and the reviewer, Michelle Orange, you know that it kicked off an intriguing post from Orange about our responsibility as writers in a Googlable medium — or more, it raises the question of writing without guidelines in a world where the subject can (and will) read the piece you’re writing.

I suggested on BlogHer that we draft an Internet Writer’s Oath and kicked it off with an opening statement.  People over there are now invited to add amendments, and I wanted to throw this out here too.  Please add your thoughts and voice — what you think is important to promise as someone who writes in a Googlable medium.

The Internet Writer’s Oath

As writers, we need to take a long look at the concept of nonmaleficence, that maxim doctors utter (primum non nocere) and apply it to our use of words: first, do no harm. Which does not mean that a surgeon can’t cut the skin, obviously bringing the person’s life into danger, but instead, having writers thinking like doctors means that we take into consideration that we are all humans, we are all emotional beings, and for the love, words hurt.

So in that regard, we promise that whenever we hit publish, we will think about how the Internet is Googlable, and in this world of Google alerts and searches for our names, that we understand that anything we write can and will be read by the subject. When we have a problem with another person, we write them directly rather than posting a critique for the world to read as a first step. And that we will stick to critiquing words and ideas and not the people behind those words and ideas.

We know the Golden Rule isn’t really applicable — that sometimes we have nothing nice to say, but we must say something, and sometimes we can’t write the review we’d want to receive ourselves if we were the creator of the art. But we can take into consideration how the subject will receive the words and write accordingly. We write with honesty, with circumspection, with thoughtfulness — never straying from the subject at hand into personal attacks.

AMENDMENT ONE: This oath also applies to all social media such as Facebook and Twitter, as well as applying to posting pictures online.  All people will act with circumspection, considering how the other person might feel (and asking when it doubt) before hitting the publish key.

Take the oath in the comment section below (or explain why you think we don’t need an oath at all).

The sound system at the Rally to Restore Sanity kept cutting in and out, so I caught the first half of the keynote, and missed the more meaningful part until I got home and watched it that night on C-Span.  I have to admit that as fun as it was to be there on the Mall, it was sort of like potato chips.  Good while you’re eating them, but afterward, you sort of think about the lack of nutritional value and wonder if it was the best use of your caloric intake.  It was like a giant party on the Mall, and that’s all it was for me as I was walking off the Mall, because I didn’t hear the actual message until I got home.

And frankly, even though Jon Stewart repeated several times prior to the event that this wasn’t a political rally — it was strictly a message of reasonableness, people still brought their political messages with them.  If it wasn’t about legalizing marijuana or lowering taxes, it was about how Sarah Palin is the devil and Obama sucks.  It didn’t matter if people spoke their message sensibly and reasonably.  They missed the whole point.

It wasn’t a political rally, it wasn’t a place to make a statement about your beliefs — it was a place to make a statement that you are willing to be open-minded and listen to other people without trashing them due to their ideas.

I think sometimes we’re pushing so hard to be heard that we feel as if we can’t take a step back.  How many times do we blog not because we have something to say, but because we want to be heard? (For the love, I post almost daily.  Can I really have that much to say?)  And how many times when we’re arguing with someone do we stop formulating our argument, sit and listen to them without interrupting for however many minutes they need and then consider their words before responding?  I sure as hell know I’m guilty of formulating arguments in my head while the other person is talking (sorry, Josh).

I went to the rally because this community is one of my lens.  We fight — in the comment sections and in blog posts.  We’re not one, happy family who lives in a daisy-crown world where I am singing kumbaya while I strum my guitar.  We’re one messy family.  We’re a sobbing, raw-nerves, emotional family.  We are gay and straight, male and female, married or single or widowed or divorced.  We are young and old, male factor or female female or unexplained.  Some are choosing adoption and some would never consider it.  And some are doing IVF and others wish they could.  Some have living children and some are missing their children.

And most of us would never have met one another if not for our situational or biological infertility.  Most of us simply wouldn’t have met if not for loss.  And most of us wouldn’t go beyond politeness if not for infertility or loss.  I mean, look at me?  How many socialist, short, Jewish, vegetarian women do you have in your day-to-day life (Anat, don’t answer that one)?  I’m going to guess that for many of you, the answer is few.  But we both have infertility, and somehow, we throw all of those things out the window to hold tight to one another.  We are each other’s support system and we know each other’s inner-most fears and foibles.  We are sometimes more real with each other than the people we see in the face-to-face world.  I count many of you as good friends.  And we make these connections  because infertility is hard, and it is only easier with another person.

Make that life is hard and it’s only easier with other people.

I went to the rally because of this community.  Because we have nothing in common, and yet, with the few exceptions of flare-ups from time to time, as a whole, we get along.  We support one another.  We take a second to tell someone who has suffered a loss that we’re holding them in our heart.  We take a second to cheer someone on when they get a positive peestick. (Fine, so we also sometimes curse them in our heads, but outwardly, we get along.)

And we have the Creme de la Creme each year to prove it.  It’s a tapestry of words; it’s a quilt of experiences.  There are common themes that run through the posts, but each one is unique.  And yes, five years on, I am still stunned as I read the posts and reflect on how diverse our community is, how much we have in common emotionally despite the other characteristics we use to define ourselves.

So that’s what I took from the rally — the fun of being there in the day, and the profound message I got at night.  And synthesizing those two realities to bring you one request:

Please participate.

As of this morning, the Creme de la Creme has 32 participants (not bad for the first 24 hours of the list being open).  Please take a moment to add your voice to the Creme de la Creme.  You have a lot of time; you don’t need to get on this immediately.  But in the next few weeks, read through your archives and make sure your voice is part of the project.  Let’s show the world how a diverse community can come together to create one project.  We can all read one another and hear one another and learn something from one another.  And have our unique experience heard too.

Updated: the Creme de la Creme of 2010 was posted on January 1st, but read below to see how you can become part of the list.

Believe it or not, this is the fifth anniversary of the little Creme de la Creme.  If you’re unfamiliar with the project, read on to understand. If you’ve participated in years past, you know how much fun the list is when its revealed on January 1st. So, I hereby declare the Creme de la Creme list open.

I know this is loooooong, but please read this whole post before submitting your entry. Every year, the rules change slightly in order to streamline the process.

If you didn’t read or participate in this list in 2006 or in 2007 or in 2008 or in 2009, the impulse behind this list are the ubiquitous award ceremonies that crawl out of their hiding spaces usually around December or January. Awards are nice — it’s good to honour someone and mark big accomplishments. But we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers, and all of us deserve to be celebrated.

And we’re doing just that.

This is the way it works. If you want to participate, read through your archives and choose a favourite post. You can leave all sorts of comments below telling me how fantastic I am, but fill out the form to send in your submission (do not leave it in the comments section–the point of this list is also the surprise of seeing the choices revealed on a single day). If you post your link below, I will delete it. Again, feel free to leave love comments below — in fact, please do leave love comments below — but not your submission for the list. Let’s keep it a surprise until the list is ready to go up.

You can only choose one entry. You cannot be modest. Everyone has a best post. There is no such thing as a boring blog. Even if you don’t think you have any readers because you’ve never received a comment, you have a best post. The one that you felt really good about when you hit publish. The one that would be the post you’d put forward if an editor called you tomorrow and said, “I have this great writing job for you that will pay a million dollars an hour. You just need to submit one blog entry to get this job so we can check your writing style.”

Even if you just found my blog because you read about the Creme de la Creme on another person’s blog, you are not only welcome to submit; you are encouraged. It is the best posts of 2010 for the ALI community and that community includes anyone who writes about infertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, neonatal death, assisted reproduction, pregnancy after infertility or loss, and every related topic — from living child-free after infertility to parenting after infertility. Everyone on the blogroll (or could be on the blogroll) is welcome to participate. Really, you don’t need to be a regular reader of my blog to join in. It’s open to everyone in the ALI blogosphere. I can’t say this in more ways than that. Which means you don’t need to write me a note asking if it’s okay to participate. The answer is yes. Okay?

Actually, it’s not only “yes;” it’s “please do.”

The list will be posted January 1st and I promise that you will use up a good portion of the beginning of the year reading through the most stunning posts you’ve ever seen. We had 288 posts last year, and I’d really like to top that this year. My goal is all 2500+ blogs currently on the blogroll, but barring that, let’s aim for over 400. Which means that not only do you have to participate if you’re reading this, but you need to spread the word and get other bloggers to participate (more on that below). Link to this post, send out a note to other bloggers you like, and suggest favourite posts to bloggers from this past year.

Um…other FAQ-like things:

How many posts can I submit?

You can only submit one. Please don’t submit two and ask me to choose. Submit one.

How will I know that you received my entry?

When you hit submit on the form, you should get a screen telling you that I have my entry.  If you don’t see that screen, I don’t have your entry.

I sent in a post last week but I just wrote one that I love more! Can I switch my submission?

The short answer is no. The reason is that I write up the blurbs that appear next to each entry. This takes a lot of time. When you change your post, I have to write another blurb. Therefore, think carefully. But get your post in early so it’s high up on the list. But take your time picking it so you’re positive it’s the one you want on the list. But don’t give this too much thought…

If you just submitted it an hour earlier and realized you sent the wrong link, email me quickly so I can change it. Once I write the blurb, it’s set. I mean, you can pull your blog from the list, but you can’t submit a different link.

How do I know which one is my best?

Think of this list in sort of the same vein as those “Best American Short Story”-type collections except that it’s blog entries and everyone in the blogosphere should be represented with a link. The idea of the creme de la creme is not to put out there “the best” by someone else’s definition of “best.” It’s to put out the entry that means the most to you. Everyone has a best entry from 2010. It’s the one you would cry about if it was ever eaten by your computer. Even if it’s only meaningful to you.

I’m having a lot of trouble choosing my best one.

Why don’t you give a few choices to a friend and get their opinion? Don’t get hung up on the word “best.” It’s more about presenting a small taste of your blog. A lot of people read the list each January and it’s a chance for them to get to know your blog in one post. The goal, of course, is not only to honour every blog, but to also introduce everyone. Think of it like a cocktail party. You certainly think about what you wear, but everything doesn’t hinge on this one outfit.

I want to submit a post about my dog/favourite recipe/vacation in Hawaii. So … er … it’s not about adoption/infertility/loss. Can I? Or I want to submit a post but it has pictures of my baby in it. Do you think this is okay for an IF list?

Well, this list is sort of a pu-pu platter of the ALI community. Therefore, if your post is about your ski trip last winter, it doesn’t really show any emotion, thought, or event flitting through the community. Still, people have submitted off-topic posts in the past. If you have any part of the post that if ALI-related, all the better though.

The second question is a sensitivity one. Personally, I think that babies are part of the community and territory. The reality is that we’re all working towards parenthood or were once working towards parenthood. And children are included in that. I try to always mention in my blurb if it’s about a baby or if there are photos so people are given a heads up before they click over. So, yes, send posts that have photos in it and I will make sure that people know the gist of the post before they click over if they’re in a sensitive space.

I’m a man. Can I participate?

Are you part of the ALI community? Then didn’t you read above? EVERYONE is invited to participate. Male, female, young, old, married, single, gay, straight, everyone everyone everyone.

I’m a tree shrew. Can I participate?

Er … a tree shrew with a blog? An infertile tree shrew with a blog? I guess … I mean … I did say everyone …

I just started my blog in October. Can I participate?

As long as you’ve had one post in 2010, you can participate. Even if you didn’t start your blog until October 2010. Just choose your best from the last two months.

My blog is password protected. Can I participate?

If your blog is password protected and you want to participate, choose your blog entry and create a free blog at Blogger or WordPress and post that single entry. Then send me the link so I can place it on the list. I can’t link to password protected blogs.

When is the deadline for getting in my submission (and this has changed since last year so pay attention)?

To ensure that you’re on the list on January 1st, please fill out the form by December 15th. If you submit after December 15, you will be on the list, but you will probably go up after people have started reading on January 1st.

The 2010 list doesn’t technically close until January 31, 2011.  Therefore, if it is after January 1st and the list is already up, you can still submit as long as it is before 11 pm EST on January 31, 2011.  After that point, the list will be close to new entries and I’ll be working to get up the last remaining few.

So, just to reiterate — (1) if you submit before December 15th, you will be on the list on January 1st. (2) If you submit between December 16th and 31st, you may be on the list January 1st, but more likely, you’ll be on some point after January 1st. (3) If you submit between January 1st and 31st, you’ll go up on the list as soon as possible. And then the list is closed until next year when the new one opens.

Can you post another link to the form right now because I’ve decided to submit.

Sure, here’s another link to the form. Just fill it out and hit send and it will go into the Creme de la Creme spreadsheet.

If you don’t want to participate, do nothing. With the Creme de la Creme List, I never add a blog or highlight a post unless the author has sent it to me. Therefore, no hurt feelings. If your post isn’t on the list, it’s because you haven’t sent one. If you see someone missing from the list after it is posted, go bug them and tell them to submit a post. But don’t send me a note asking me to add them without their permission. I really would like this post to be what the author believes is their best post, but if you are feeling shy and can’t choose, enlist a friend to help you narrow it down and choose your best work.

Lastly, there is another section of the list that needs your help: blogs that closed in 2010. These are blogs that closed entirely — the person stopped blogging and said specifically that they were not going to post any longer — not blogs that went password protected or the person moved their blog to a new space. If you read a blog that closed during 2010, please send me the title of the blog. It doesn’t matter if it was read by one person or read by 5000 people, all blogs should be honoured and recognized. And all blogs stand on the same plateau here.

Spread the word with the following button on a post or your sidebar to encourage others to send a link:

The code for adding the link to your blog can be found here.

Everyone has a best post. It is your personal best. It is not best by any other standard. Stop comparing yourself. Stop feeling shy. Stop thinking it’s immodest to toot your own horn when I’ve told you to toot your own horn. Start reading through your archives. Reflect on the year. And then send me a link for the list.

Wheew. Sorry about that last part. But everyone in the blogosphere should be represented and honoured.