Welcome to the seventeenth tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Anyone can jump aboard–it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: Never Let Me Go
Author: Kazuo Ishiguro
Start Date: January 21st
Post Dates: March 9th
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)

About Never Let Me Go: Award-winning novel about a dystopian England. Saying anything more than that spoils the surprise.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. Each day, you’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on Never Let Me Go.)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (below this post)
The Road Less Travelled
An Unwanted Path
Baby Smiling in Back Seat
The Dragondreamer’s Lair
Aurelia Ann
Destined to be an Old Woman with No Regrets
So It Goes
I Won’t Fear Love

Even if haven’t read Never Let Me Go, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The current group chooses the next book. The 18th tour will be Anita Diamant’s, The Red Tent. According to Wikipedia, the book is “a first-person narrative which tells the story of Dinah, daughter of Jacob and sister of Joseph, a talented midwife and proto-feminist. The book’s title refers to the tent in which women of Jacob’s tribe must, according to the ancient law, take refuge while menstruating or giving birth, and in which they find mutual support and encouragement from their mothers, sisters and aunts.”

The Details: Tour #18 will start March 10. Participants will read The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. On or before May 20th (it’s a long reading period this time), everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you by May 22nd. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on May 25th. I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #18, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The participants on the Anita Diamant book tour will choose the book for tour #19.

Happy reading.

I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about this book. I was in the car, listening to Kazuo Ishiguro speak on NPR as I drove home from work. He warned that he couldn’t really speak about the book, and this came on the heels of Philip Roth’s The Human Stain, which boasted a similar claim and really disappointed in terms of surprise.

But I have to admit that I was really taken aback by the book once I began reading it. Without revealing the details of the surprise twist, the whole plotline sent me into a state of panic thinking about knowing your death date. It reminded me of that scene in Big Fish where they stare into the eye of the witch and can see how they’ll die. And whether you’d really want to go through life knowing when it will end. How it would affect how you live and what you do and, more importantly, what you don’t do.

And Ishiguro’s book threw all of that on its head.

And then some.

And blew my mind.

I couldn’t wait to discuss this with everyone and am waiting eagerly for everyone’s post to go up so I can hear their thoughts.

If you haven’t read the book and intend to read it, I would stop reading right now because the plotline of the book is discussed below:

If you knew with certainty that you had a child with a shortened life expectancy, would you raise the child any differently? For example, are there certain experiences you’d want to ensure that they had? Are there things that you wouldn’t bother to make them do (flossing? eat healthy foods? go to school?) since they wouldn’t have the same long-term impact as they would for other children? Would it make a difference in your parenting if you knew exactly at what age the child was expected to die as opposed to a general sense of foreshortened lifespan?

Well this question really bothered me to consider, truly got under my skin and made me feel as uncomfortable as the book made me feel. So it was probably the best place to begin.

I mean, that was the whole point of Hailsham–everyone knew these children were being created merely to harvest their organs and educating them and engaging them in the beautiful side of life made those who would be harvesting their organs feel as if it wasn’t a life wasted. It was a life lived–regardless of the abrupt end.

On one hand, I had this moment where I stepped back and asked what any of it was for–what was the point in going to college or working at a career or having children because every single one of us are going to die. The children in Never Let Me Go aren’t unique–it’s not as if they’ll die but we’ll all live forever. Every single one of us is moving through this life, reading books, gathering knowledge, creating art…only to die.

Not to be a downer or anything.

I think if I had a child with a terminal illness, I would probably (because who can know until you’re in the moment) walk the same fine line I walk today with healthy children of remaining true to life’s rules (flossing, one sugar a day, et al) while engaging in as much hedonism as possible. Until the twins started school, our world was pretty much about what we felt like doing. We’d wake up and decide that we felt like doing art projects, or spending the whole day at the park, or driving to a random place just to see what was there. School is definitely cramping our style, but still, I think that we spend a lot of time doing what makes us happy because in the back of my head is the thought that leads this book–that it will all end someday and will we be happy of what we tried while we were here.

And just so you know, I am giving myself a panic attack writing about this.

On page 197, Kazuo Ishiguro writes, “It never occurred to me that our lives, until then so closely interwoven, could unravel and separate over a thing like that.” Have any of your relationships unravelled because of IF and were they relationships that you thought would be strong enough weather the struggles of IF?

There was this movie a few years ago called The Myth of Fingerprints that showed how this family unraveled due to this small incident. How there were cracks in the relationships to begin with that allowed a small incident to change everyone, but regardless, it was sort of amazing to see how something so small could have such a large impact.

With the exception of one friend, I haven’t had relationships unravel due to infertility. But I have had relationships unravel–either due to a true cleaving of the relationship or simply due to time/distance. And I am constantly struck at how easy it is to slip into a role with someone you knew when you were younger vs. building a new friendship–regardless of how mismatched you were in the first go-around of the friendship.

There are people I miss a lot–people that I would love to spend time with–regardless of the fact that we didn’t get along fantastically when we were face-to-face. Though I’d still choose to care for them if they were completing.

One thing that struck me while reading the book is that the characters seem very passive. Although certain knowledge is withheld from them along the way, and they do have questions, they do not really rebel or protest their fate, or try to escape. They seem quite accepting of the future that has been laid out for them. Why do you think this is so?

I took it to be a combination of things–privileged upbringing which I think removes some of the scrappiness in a person, a resignation that this is just the way things are, and a true support of the system with the belief that what they are doing is noble–an honourable death.

Would you give up your life knowing that you were going to die at some point anyway if you knew that in giving up your life, you were helping another person? I think there is definitely a type of person who would prefer to go out a hero–and we’re forgetting as we discuss this that all of us are going to die. It’s a matter of when. For the donors, it will be much earlier than most of us. Yes, they could try to escape, but to what end? They will still die in the future–it will simply be more years on earth. And will those years be as filling, as meaningful, in their viewpoint?

Damn, I am freaking myself out again. I can literally feel my chest getting tight.

Jump along to other blogs discussing Never Let Me Go by scrolling up to the post above this one. Join along for our next book: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant.

Last weekend, the Wolvog lost his iPod (by the way…children are mentioned in this section of the Roundup as well as the next one if you want to skip down to a child-free space). You may wonder why a 4-year-old boy has his own iPod. I often wonder this myself. Can we skip that explanation?

Regardless, we tore the house apart trying to find this iPod; literally ate up about two hours of time searching for it and finally found it in a random cabinet. He didn’t know why it was there either but he went on his merry way, listening to U2 and doing a dance in front of the mirror that involves running in place as quickly as possible with his legs as far apart as possible. I’ll give you a moment to stand up and try out this position so you can get the visual.

The next day, literally the next day, he lost Little Stevie. For those unfamiliar with the unusual amount of stuffed animals named Stevie in our house, the original Stevie was given to the ChickieNob by my brother and named after his roommate at the time. Stevie is a guinea pig who apparently poops a lot (and shouts out “goodie!” while he does so) and enjoys eating bedroom slippers. While in Harper’s Ferry this winter, the Wolvog found a tiny stuffed guinea pig that he named Little Stevie. And my mother gave him an enormous guinea pig puppet who we call Big Stevie.

He tells us that he can’t find Little Stevie and it’s heartbreaking. I mean, the lost iPod was annoying, but he was distracted easily during the hunt and actually helped us look. With Little Stevie, he was immobilized, sitting on the floor like a survivor in the wreckage repeating over and over again, “I’ve lost him.” We took apart his room and our room and the living room and searched every article of clothing in the laundry basket and random drawers in the house. We couldn’t find Little Stevie and I had an appointment with the periodontist that I couldn’t miss, so we put the Wolvog in the car where he just stared out the window, his little lip quivering as he tried to consider a world without Stevie (all while his sister sat beside him helpfully informing him that she still had her Stevie).

And it bothered me all fucking day.

I literally couldn’t stop thinking about his stuffed animal. We were out at the Portrait Gallery for most of the day and I was mentally searching our house, opening cabinets and shaking out pillows inside my head. That night, when I went to make the popcorn pre-movie, I could hear Josh in the living room, sifting through toy boxes. While he popped in the disc, I took one last swing through the Wolvog’s room (he was, by the way, sleeping out at my mother’s because it was Josh’s birthday and a date night).

I started methodically and then felt this sense of panic that we truly didn’t know the whereabouts of Little Stevie. As I tossed aside all of the stuffed animals in the bed, my hand went inside the puppet and lo and behold, Little Stevie was tucked up in Big Stevie’s belly. It was 10:30 at night. I immediately emailed my mother, she took the news upstairs to my son, and he was able to finally relax and fall asleep knowing Little Stevie was safe and sound.

It had taken us a long time at the video store to choose a film because Josh wanted to keep me in a certain mood and that meant forgoing all dramas that might make me cry. It meant no horror films that would fill me with “what ifs.” It actually knocked out every documentary that could potentially piss me off. We were down, pretty much, to Ghost Town.

We were laughing, we were laughing, we were laughing…and then I was crying to the point where I couldn’t breathe when we got to that whole squirrel stuffed animal story. It was probably only an hour and a half from when we found Little Stevie and it hit a little too close to home. I couldn’t stop saying, “what if we had died before we had found Little Stevie? He would have slept every night with Big Stevie never knowing that Little Stevie was just tucked up inside of him. And we would be gone and Little Stevie would be gone. We would be deaaaaaaaaaaad!”

You would think that I also would have laughed pulling back and seeing how hard I was crying in relief over finding a plush toy. But I didn’t. Because I was just that shade of hormonal.

The next morning, we brought Little Stevie with us over to my parent’s house where my son greeted him with pure bliss. We told him where we had found him and he laughed to himself. “Oh yes, I made Big Stevie pregnant with Little Stevie.”

Seriously, I’m even lapped by a stuffed animal. And a male one at that.

The ChickieNob asked if she came from Ikea. I told her no. She said, “I think I may have been made at Ikea.” I told her that I knew where she was made and it wasn’t Ikea. She finally tried one more time: “I think a doctor may have put me together at Ikea?”

Josh was really offended by her line of questioning. He was like, “honestly, for what it cost, it was really more like Ethan Allen than the Ikea of Babies.”

Figure out this math equation: “hands-off government” senator, Ralph Hudgens + Right to Life group = Bill 169, the piece of Georgia legislation that is being discussed in a committee hearing tomorrow morning. Bill 169, which seeks to impose limits on reproductive rights without regard to the actual people affected by these laws. All for the sake of stopping another set of octuplets from entering the world–since, as you know, higher order multiples is just as much a problem taxing the state of Georgia medical system as obesity and Gonorrhea.

Actually, sorry, the state is the 12th most problematic state in regards to obesity and it rocks out as the 5th most Gonorrhea infested state according to Georgia health statistics. Yet it is 21st in line–almost the midway point–of the 50 states in regards to twin births (no information was available about the rate of triplets and higher). Why not enact legislation restricting the caloric intake of citizens or making it a law that a barrier must be used during all sexual acts? Anything to lessen two greater health risks in the state of Georgia?

Because apparently Ralph Hudgens believes that the threat of octuplets is taxing the state’s medical system more than state’s higher-than-average rate of heart disease. Or it’s higher-than-average rate of diabetes.

It is certainly more important to pass legislation concerning the number of embryos transferred during IVF than it is to pass legislation protecting children from firearm-related deaths. Georgia is a state without legislation on an assault weapons ban or trigger locks required to be sold or safe storage requirements.

But octuplets born via IVF will be the downfall of the great state of Georgia.

According to Resolve, the National Infertility Association, Bill 169 aims to

limit the number of embryos transferred during an IVF cycle, and ban the fertilization of any eggs in excess of the number allowed to be transferred. Even if more eggs are produced, they could not be fertilized and cryopreserved for future attempts at pregnancy. In patients under 40, physicians would be allowed to fertilize and transfer only two embryos, and in women over age 40, no more than three embryos. These limits do not meet ASRM guidelines on the number of embryos to transfer, and would affect patients access to care in Georgia. SB 169 would also eliminate any compensation for donor gametes, such as donor egg and donor sperm, severely limiting the number of available donors.

What does this mean in simple terms? And it should be noted that no legislation is being passed to make IVF affordable to the average person who needs to utilize it–Georgia residents do not have mandated health care coverage for infertility. Therefore, citizens will be paying out of pocket (the average IVF cycle costs a little under $10,000) for each cycle.

• That only two or three eggs will be allowed to be fertilized regardless of how many eggs are collected during retrieval. Regardless of the patient’s history or the natural attrition rate with fertilization.
• That every embryo created must be transferred. There will be no cryopreservation of embryos.
• Only two embryos can ever be transferred at one time to a woman under 40. Regardless of quality (for those who don’t know, embryos are graded in terms of quality). A maximum of three embryos can be transferred in a woman over 40. Of course, you may not have any embryos to transfer if you only fertilized two eggs due to the attrition rate.
• A complete ban on financial compensation for those who undergo risky procedures in order to donate their gametes thereby ensuring that the available donor gamete pool is greatly reduced.
• It prohibits stem-cell research from leftover embryos.

Why is this legislation grabbing the attention of all Americans–even those outside of Georgia? Even those not struggling with infertility? Even those not currently trying to conceive?

Because it is what is called back-door politics–the creation of what the majority deem a reasonable bill (after all, what state wants to cover the tab Californians face in regards to the health of the octuplets?) in order to pave the way for additional legislation, in this case, to affect the ruling of Roe vs. Wade. By entering through the back-door, legislation can open up the front door by laying important foundations to helping overturn abortion law. It is no accident that this bill was drafted with help from the Right to Life movement.

It isn’t that there aren’t sound ideas buried in this bill. Trying to find ways to cut back on the number of embryos cryopreserved is important. Setting up guidelines that can be examined on a case-by-case basis is important. If the bill was only discussing the number of embryos that could be transferred, I don’t believe most people would be up in arms. But the bill is restricting the number of eggs that can be fertilized which means that many people who attempt IVF are going to end up with nothing to transfer. Creating laws that restrict doctors from practicing sound medicine, from following their Hippocratic Oath to first do no harm and to act in the best interest of their patients is dangerous. Medicine is more art than science, with each body reacting differently to medications and procedures. One law cannot be in the best interest of every person’s health, especially a law that disregards the myriad of ways infertility is caused from uterine anomalies to CBAVD.

This law is giving rights to embryos–not women and men. In fact, it is taking away the rights of women and men to give it to embryos. As the bill states: “A living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity.” Meaning: you don’t get to choose what happens to your gametes once they mix. The state gets to choose.

What can you do? As the AFA states:

The Georgia Senate Health & Human Services Committee will hold a hearing on SB 169 Thursday, March 5, at 9:00 AM in Room 450 of the State Capitol. The committee will hear testimony in the hearing which is open to the public. You’re encouraged to attend and voice opposition to the bill.

If you can’t make the meeting, you’re asked to please contact the Office of Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle and express your opposition and concern.

You may also contact your Senator directly by finding him or her at the following web address.

You can blog about it, spread word about it, and make sure your voice is heard loud and clear that what is happening in Georgia is not in the best interest of the citizens of Georgia, nor will it be in the best interest of other states if this bill sets a t
one that others follow. That equation is bad math and this bill is bad lawmaking.

No offense to Georgians with Gonorrhea.

cross-posted on BlogHer

Updated at bottom:

Dear Public Library and All the Librarians Who Work Here:

Thank you.

I don’t say that enough to you. I mean, I say it when you hand me back the books I’ve just checked out, but that’s not what I mean.

Thank you for always having wireless Internet access when my Internet at home is down. Thank you for letting me check out as many cookbooks as I can carry home when I’m depressed and not saying anything when I renew them three times. Thank you for humouring me when I’m standing in front of you saying something along the lines of “there’s this book…and it’s blue…or it’s purple…I mean the cover is purple…and it has something about a frog in the title…or maybe it doesn’t. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

I just posted today’s LFCA from the library because my Internet is down for the 8th time in three days. Which is twenty kinds of annoying because I still have to pay for a service that the company is not actually providing. So everyone who receives support today from the LFCA–you should thank your local public library. Just swing by and walk up to a librarian and say, “thank you.” Even if it makes you look a little crazy. And check out a book while you’re there. I mean, you made the trip and all.

I now need to head home because I am going to be on an Internet radio show at noon. It’s probably a bit late (maybe not?) submit questions beforehand, but you can call-in during the show. It’s called Creating a Family and it runs from noon until 1 (EST). It will also be housed on that space after the show or downloadable from iTunes. Here is a chance to ask all your burning questions: what is the future fate of the turkey cutlet, how did I learn to rock the Irish Penny Whistle, or what did I end up doing with all of the empty Follistim vials I collected for an art project?

If Internet is not back up in the afternoon, I’ll head back here. To my little nook in the public library. And bring some mishloach manot for my local librarians.

Update:

I have Internet at home for the time being. I need to amend that I love and thank all librarians. I was using the term public library, but truly, my experience in my college library was just as fantastic. And I could cry thinking about the great times I’ve had in the Library of Congress (where they bring the books right to your table. Like you’re a queen and they’re feeding you grapes. Literally, you just turn in a slip and the books show up a few minutes later). Our public library also has a library bookstore that sells books…I shit you not…for 50 cents. 50 cents! I get all of my chicklit for 50 cents. I filled 4 shelves of a huge Ikea bookshelf with children’s books for 50 cents a piece. I carry around a slip of paper with all the books my friends are looking for too at all times and hit the library bookstore a few times a month to search. Can I just reiterate that these are current books–Jennifer Weiner, Jane Green, Emily Griffin–all for 50 cents. And you can donate your books to them and they’ll sell them. They don’t even question why I have 8 copies of Candide, they just take them and sell them. It is a beautiful world.