This is the 34th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I need your barren advice. After two D&Cs, the last of which was last week, I am trying to decide if I even WANT a second baby. My last two pregnancies, before their eventual terminations, were each awful in their own ways. The first, a blighted ovum, never felt right, which, it turned out, was correct. The second was great, and I was so excited and happy until I started to cramp and bleed heavily at six weeks. A huge bleed was discovered, and I was told to take it easy, not lift or exercise, not have sex, and not have orgasms. That was in place for four weeks until I went in for a routine check-up, and found out that there was no heartbeat, and not only was this one dead, I have a clotting disorder that killed this one and probably was behind my severe preecampsia with my son. It sounds like knowing this, it won’t be hard to fix… baby aspirin and maybe a monthly shot. But I don’t know, I am so burnt at this point.

My husband, who would be fine with our son being an only child, thinks we should have another, because he thinks it’s something I really want, and have for a long time, and heck, he’s agreed twice before. And that’s true: I love babies and children, and I don’t want my son to go through life with no siblings or cousins, which looks very likely at this point. My husband also thinks that it would be silly to quit now, when we have figured out the problem. And also, up until the end, my pregnancy with DS was fantastic, so I know it’s possible.

The problem is, I don’t have a lot of time to figure this out. I’m 38, and while I seem to be really good at getting pregnant, I don’t have forever. I also don’t know if I’m willing to make sacrifices to have another baby. I realize they are short-term, but still. And, my confidence is shaken. I was sure that I could have a sunny, uncomplicated pregnancy, then could breeze my way through working full time, having a marriage, having an infant, and raising a kindergartner. Now I don’t know… I could potentially ruin everything. Or, I could forever regret chickening out at this point.

Do you have any advice on how to make this decision?

–Anonymous

This isn’t going to be the answer you want to hear, but this is such a personal decision, the only person who can make it is you. Not your husband, not a friend, and not a therapist or doctor. This doesn’t mean that we can’t help you by walking with you up to the edge, but you are the one who ultimately needs to make the decision to jump or fly. And only you know which decision represents falling and which one represents flying.

And that is where I would start. I placed you at the edge and used these two words: fall or fly. When you thought about yourself falling, which side of the decision (trying or stopping) did you picture? When you considered yourself flying, what were you flying toward?

I think you already know the answer of what you want to do–it is merely the work of finding it buried under all of those emotions.

Sometimes, when I’m looking for something in a drawer and I know that it has to be in there but I’m overlooking it, I take everything out of the drawer and place it on the floor and then put it all back in the drawer neatly, usually finding the missing item along the way. I think the same thing can work with difficult decisions. Take everything out of your head and lay it on the page and then look at it from the outside, seeing how it looks from a different view. And these are the pieces of paper that you will take to your husband to explain your decision because your choice involves him as well.

Begin with looking at continuing to try for a second child. Write that inside a circle you draw in the center of the paper.

Now make lines coming off it and start writing out every what if you’re carrying in your heart about this decision. Follow each what if to its possible end. I included a few I could imagine myself just as an example, but you need to personalize this and make it the what ifs that are suffocating you about this decision.

There will be many more what ifs, all tied to your personal situation, including what happened after the birth of your first child, the feelings of your husband, and your age. Your paper may have five major what ifs, or you may need to pull out the poster board in order to have enough space to get down all of your thoughts.

Once you finish with this choice, you’re going to set aside the page, turn it upside down, and honestly fill out another decision web using the other choice–stopping now–and all of the what ifs that stem from that (good or bad what ifs).

When you’re doing this exercise, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. You can choose whether you want to redraw the webs to show another person, keeping the brutal honesty solely with yourself, but that is my only caveat. You cannot hold back any of the yucky thoughts, the embarrassing thoughts, the regretful thoughts from yourself. Putting them down on paper, admitting them to yourself, is the only way you’ll make this decision without regrets.

Without regrets does not mean joyfully. You may still cry or be angry or frustrated or resigned. But you won’t have regrets, and that is truly the only weight others can help you remove before you decide the way to exit the cliff.

Before I send you off to find a quiet space and work through your decision, I want you to know that all of the points you discussed in the note were all valid reasons to keep trying or stop. None should be swept under the rug. Just because you now know about the clotting disorder doesn’t dismiss the enormous feelings you have about trying after multiple losses. Not putting yourself through that again, even if it
means that you have to change the way you saw your life in the future, should not be undertaken just because. Just because you don’t want to disappoint someone or just because you were already on this path. It is equally valid to say no. To stop. To know your limits and respect them.

I don’t think we need to continue with everything we start, especially when new information is learned that would have kept us off the path in the first place. Quitters do win–especially those who know their own heart and listen to its wisdom. Winning is not only having everything turn out how we wanted in the end–winning is about how we live our life, the choices we make, the happiness we grab, the sanity we preserve. I have a deep respect for people who can say no. Who can take a step back and ask themselves what is lost as they try to gain and weigh out the two sides so that they don’t come out at a deficit just for the sake of doing what is easy vs. doing what is best.

Stopping is neither good nor bad–truly, the only thing that matters about stopping is knowing why you are doing it so you can come to a place of closure. I think a lack of closure comes from not understanding what brought you to a stopping point or having the choice taken away from you and made by someone else or circumstances.

And, at the same time, I have a deep respect for those who continue on, even knowing that they could possibly lose a lot by taking the next step, but doing it anyway because it is the strongest impulse within.

Go find your quiet space. Remove all the thoughts from your head and place them in front of you to examine. Come to a place of peace and know your own heart and then share it with others–your husband, namely, who may surprise you in agreeing wholeheartedly with whatever decision you make when he hears the reasons that brought you to that place.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

This is the 33rd installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

Updated at bottom:

It has been a long time since I have dressed up for Purim. My last true costume was Martha Stewart (Josh went as a protester wearing a Free Martha t-shirt) which should tell you how long ago it was. Growing up, I was always Vashti if I dressed up from the story. I tried being Esther one year in grad school–it just wasn’t me.

Tonight, I was getting ready to take the twins to shul for the Megillah reading and I decided to see if I could still fit into a dress that I haven’t worn in a while. I took it in the other room, just in case it…cough…didn’t fit. But it did and I came back into the bedroom. The twins looked up at me and the ChickieNob said, “you look so fancy. You’re just like Vashti.”

That was my perfect moment.

Later, outside, as Josh took these pictures, the ChickieNob started to sob and went to bury her face in my arm. She finally explained that I just didn’t look like myself and it scared her. I thought it would make her feel better to know that her mother wouldn’t dance naked on the table. I mean, who the hell knows what Esther is capable of doing if the king asks–at least you know where Vashti stands.

Unfortunately, I’m covering up the great beadwork at the top of the dress; a double layer of gold beads around the neck. Though it’s a great dress–I feel like I should whip it out for BlogHer this summer.

Looking for other Perfect Moments? Head over to Lori’s for Perfect Moment Monday.

Update:

The last time I wore this blue dress, we had gone over to a friend’s apartment for dinner. I had peed on a stick in the morning and it was negative, but I decided that I really wanted to try one more test that night. But I also wanted to hold in my pee for four hours to give it a better chance of having enough hCG to tip the test (never mind the fact that I wasn’t pregnant that cycle and therefore there was no hCG regardless).

No problem; we’d eat dinner, I’d go easy on the liquids until the end, and then we’d head home and I’d take the test. So, we eat dinner, I start drinking water towards the end of the meal, and I soon have to pee. But we’re not making any moves towards the door. Then, our friend suggests that we take a walk around his neighbourhood. So I said, “well, I’m not really dressed for a walk.” But that excuse was shot down and I had to haul my ass outside and walk around while I had to pee so badly that I was starting to get cold sweats. We were pausing on street corners so I could keep from wetting myself.

Finally, we went back to the apartment to collect our things and I ran to the bathroom because I was never going to make it through the drive home. Josh insisted that the holding-the-pee thing shouldn’t really matter and told me to take the test anyway when we got home. And I cursed the friend who made me take the stupid walk instead of come straight home to the comfort of my pee stick. Which, you know, would have been positive if I had just peed at the right time…

Looking for the book club post?

It’s right here, below the Show and Tell. And my response is right below that. Lots of posts up all at once, crowding the front page like a traffic jam.

Just in case you were looking for things…

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

We spent Josh’s birthday last weekend at the newly remodeled Portrait Gallery. The last time I had been there had been right before it closed to show my students the Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibit (I cried when the docent showed us the Arthur Miller photo where he is sitting next to his divorce papers, cementing my title as freakiest teacher at the school).

The new Portrait Gallery is gorgeous. It makes me want to mail out invitations to everyone in the world to ask them to come to Washington just so they can see the building. When you walk in, at the beginning of the hallway to the left, is the original Hope poster.

What you can’t tell from the replications of the poster is that it is made with paint and old newspaper clippings and is a combination of printmaking and paint and cut-paper. It is so emotional to stand in front of it.

It has always been a gorgeous building architecturally.

But the latest addition is this enclosed courtyard.

The courtyard is huge. There are these low fountains on the floor and trees and a cafe. We sat at one of the tables and read until the room darkened. It is definitely one of my favourite places in the city. And it is completely free to enter and spend the whole day sitting in that courtyard or touring the museum. Reason #76298 to come to D.C.

My portrait of Josh at the Portrait Gallery. It’s the city in which I love you, as Li-Young Lee would say.

What are you showing today?

Click here or scroll down to the bottom of this post if this is your first time joining along (hint: link to the permalink for the post, not the main url for your blog and use your blog’s name, not your name). The list is open from now until late Tuesday night and a new one is posted every week.