I am currently on my 4th Blackberry in under a year.  You may be wondering how one person goes through four Blackberries in one year, so let me take you through this process.

• I buy a Blackberry.
• I notice that within one week, a bunch of features aren’t working.  Such as the camera.  And the voice recorder.  But I don’t really care because I still have a functioning phone and access to email.
• I stop having a functioning phone.  Said phone will freeze, and the battery will need to be popped out in order to get it restarted.  And then it freezes again.  And we repeat this process — sometimes two or three times a day.
• I tell the phone company about it and they say they will send me a new phone.  I feel very thankful that we purchased phone insurance.  The replacement process could not be easier!
• The “new” phone arrives.  It is sticky and scuffed and scratched.  It is obviously someone else’s old phone.  I call the phone company about this and they apologize.  When they said, “new” they really meant “previously owned.”  They do not ship out new phones despite the fact that when we signed up for the insurance, we were told that if there was ever a problem, we’d get a new phone.
• Phone company agrees that a phone that is sticky (um… why is it sticky?), scuffed, and scratched is not okay, and they agree to send another phone.
• The next used phone arrives and we set it up.
• It works for a few months.  Then the phone begins to freeze for two minutes at a time.  It unfreezes on its own, so while I find this annoying, I do nothing to fix the situation because I have such a seething hatred of my phone company by this point that I would rather not have a fully functioning phone than deal with them.
• Now the phone begins resetting itself.  Sometimes it does this while I’m in the middle of a phone call and the line goes dead.  Then the screen goes black and the little white bar appears, creeping across the screen like an elderly woman in the crosswalk on a green light.
• Which means another trip to the phone company store.
• We go to the phone company where we are told that (1) no one is there who knows anything about Blackberries, but they are happy to Google our problem and see if any solutions are listed online.  (2) Unless we are willing to pay several hundred dollars, we cannot switch to a different type of phone because I still have one more year on this cell plan and they will not waive the new cell phone rule even though I am on my third phone in under a year.  So I will need to pay the full price — not the $200 or so “new contract” price.  (3) The only solution is… to send me another used phone.
• They send me another used phone.  It takes two hours to set it up.

What have I learned from this experience?

• Blackberry makes a cruddy phone.  No one should go through four phones in one year.
• I will never buy a Blackberry again.
• I will also never buy a phone again that doesn’t have its own technicians at its own store.  Because it is too frustrating to purchase a phone from people who know nothing about said phone and cannot fix it if it breaks.  If the phone maker doesn’t have a brick-and-mortar space (either its own store or technicians set up in a store that deal with that particular product) that I can go to for help, I’m not purchasing the product.
• I hate my phone company and should leave it.
• I would find it preferable to not have a phone at all than deal with trying to get a phone to work.

So that’s my first world problem and vent.

*******

After a brief pause, there have been more Creme de la Creme prizes.

• Somewhere in the Middle… took Fertility Alphabet Soup’s offer of a cigar box purse.  Thank you, Denver Laura!
• And Burble took Still Life with Circles’ offer of a handpainted mizuko jizo watercolour.  Thank you, Angie!
• And The Rocky Road to Motherhood took CD1 Again’s offer of a handmade crocheted scarf.  Thank you, April!

Others will be announced next week as they’re claimed.

Don’t forget, we’re nearing that first December 15th deadline for the Creme de la Creme.  If you haven’t chosen your post yet and you want to ensure that you’re on the list when it goes up, you have about two weeks to get it in.  The final cut-off for being on the list at all is a few weeks after that, but I will not be able to get up the posts that come in after December 15th on the list until after January 1st.  So stop procrastinating — the list is amazing so far.  I’ve loved every post I’ve read.

*******

I finally returned the overdue library book (it was the Steve Jobs book), apologized, and paid the fine (only $1.50 for the additional days).  The librarian was lovely; told me that it wasn’t a big deal, and all was well (I am such a self-flagellating rule follower).  But the kicker is that as we were getting out of the car, the Wolvog said, “I really love the book and don’t want to let it go.  Can’t we get it on iBooks?  It would make me feel better if we could always have it on iBooks.”

It would be meta — the book Steve Jobs on Steve Jobs’ iBooks…

I’m not usually this cranky about purchasing books, but seriously, the boy couldn’t have asked four days earlier so I could have returned the book in time and still finished it?

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “It’s Your Turn… Maybe” (Detour)
• “Camelot” (By the Brooke)
• “What Once Was” (Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off)

Only 3 posts last week?  We can do better.  What did you read this week that moved you?  Made you think?  Made you laugh?

Okay, now my choices this week.

Hope Delayed admits that she “just can’t do it today.”  On the way to her 5th Thanksgiving dinner (damn!) she realizes that she has to bail as a matter of self-preservation.  She writes, “I can’t take the pictures with grandpa showing four generations. I can’t take the discussions about who’s kid is walking and who said their first words. I can’t take the pregnancy announcement again. I can’t take all the adorable little kids running around having fun and getting in trouble.”  It’s about finding the balance between taking care of yourself and not wanting to miss out on life.

Words and Pictures has a funny (and sort of by default not-so-funny because it’s so damn true) post about all the things people say to those struggling with infertility.  All done in plasticine.  Need I say more?

Lastly, Family Rocks: The Life of Peg has a beautiful post about things that are easy and hard.  The whole post is moving, but the final one packed a punch: “It’s easy to get things done around the house when I’m by myself.  It’s hard to feel so alone.”  It’s a gorgeous, must-read post.

The roundup to the Roundup: I hate my phone.  Creme prizes galore (and don’t forget to submit your post).  Returned my library book.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between November 25th and December 2nd) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

SPECIAL PRIZE FOR THIS ICOMLEAVWE: One participant from December’s IComLeavWe will be randomly chosen to move their entry into the 4th slot on the Creme de la Creme list (getting more eyes on their post).

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere — blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: The list is closed.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Here We Go Again (parenting, random)
3. Geebaby (life, waiting, early)
4. Love Life Project (health, life, balance)
5. Words and Pictures (humour, stories, life)
6. If You Don’t Stand For Something (infertility, family, hobbies)
7. Adventures in Mommyhood: Mommy Ournumbered (mommy, crunchy, life)
8. Survive and Thrive (pregnant after infertility)
9. The 2 Week Wait (infertility pregnancy humor)
10. The Cornfed Feminist (pcos, irony, oversharing)
11. Created Family (unexplained infertility, social worker, ttc #1)
12. Biago – Baby, If All Goes Optimally (secondary infertility, fet, bfp)
13. Bring on the Babies… (IVF, recurrent miscarriage, immune testing )
14. Scrambled Eggs-A Journey from IVF to Baby-Maybe- to Twins (ivf, twins, family)
15. Three Cats And A Baby (parenting, infertility, adoption)
16. Waiting For Little Feet (pcos, ivf, wine)
17. Lessons from an Infertile Social Worker (transracial open adoption)
18. My Life in a Nut Shell (IF, miscarriage, everyday life)
19. Infertiles Laughing (adoption, infertility, humor)
20. Feeling Beachie (life, humor, family)
21. Detour (miscarriage, infertility, endometriosis)
22. The Advo.cat (pregnancy, miscarriage, humour)
23. The Days of Our Lives (adoption, waiting, marriage)
24. Journey to the Finish Line (infertility, running, everything)
25. MissConception (IVF, twin loss, pcos )
26. For We Are Bound by Symmetry (pregnant after IVF)
27. Where Do We Go From Here? (infertility, parenting, life)
28. Les Terres Fertiles (unexplained, infertility, struggle)
29. Unruffled Lanie (infertility, ivf, vegan)
30. Ambition: Motherhood (pregnancy, dIUI, MFI)
31. A Miracle in the Works (pregnant after unexplained infertility)
32. My Lady of the Lantern (neonatal loss, about to give birth again, hope and worry)
33. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?) (domestic adoption, adult adoptee, life)
34. The Pursuit of Pregnancy (lap, septum, endo)
35. Donor Diva: Mother via Egg Donation (egg donation, parenting, secondary infertility)
36. Nursing Infertility (infertility, tests, financial)
37. Our Little Family (infertility, adoption, frustration)
38. Our New Normal (pregnancy loss, adoption, life)
39. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, parenting)
40. Let’s Conversate About Irregardless (ttc, ranting, 80s)
41. Life is Simple, It’s Just Not Easy (TTC#1, IVF, post-cancer)
42. The Rocky Road To Motherhood (life after IVF)
43. Polycystic Inside (ttc updates, rants & dreams, art)
44. Building a Family Through Donor Insemination (donor sperm, infertility, life)
45. Kay Khronicles (infertility, food, life)
46. Hapa Hopes (infertility, life, relationships)
47. Compromised Fertility (FET, 2WW, hope and patience)
48. Notes from the Ninth Circle (waiting, IVF, frustration)
49. Sometimes it’s hard to get pregnant (infertility, everything about infertility)
50. This Blondie Wants Babies (ivf, miscarriage, life)
51. Relaxing Doesn’t Get You Pregnant (parenting, humor, expletives)
52. Exploring Chaos (IF, parenting, TTC # 2)
53. Between the Paper Sheets (early pregnancy, iui, marriage)
54. kate: uncensored (life after infertility)
55. Home Grown Love (infertility, home, love)
56. A Little Blog About the Big Infertility (and Adoption too!) (adoption, pregnancy loss, adenomyosis)
57. Searching for our silver lining (IVF, unexplained infertility, balance)
58. Infertile in a Fertile World (TTC break, TTC with IF, endometriosis)
59. Living Our Life In Cycles (endometriosis, IUI #1, coping with IF)
60. Wistfulgirl’s World (life, adoption, PCOS)
61. TTC A Modern Medicine Miracle (pregnancy loss, donor sperm, military life)
62. The Elusive Second Line (TTC #1, PCOS, infertility)
63. Hoping for a Due Date in Good Time (IVF #1, endometriosis, infertility)
64. Ambitious Knits (knitting lawschool birth)
65. All in God’s Time (infant adoption, infertility)
66. the stork drop zone (infertility, humor, life)
67. Not Just An Army Wife (military, miscarriage, pcos )
68. The Journey to Baby G (ivf, early pregnancy, anxiety)
69. A Half Baked Life (food, parenting after IF, yoga)
70. A Blanket 2 Keep (infertility, life, hope)
71. RelaxedNoMore (TTC, pregnancy loss, infertility)
72. Knocked up by Another Man (parenting, alaska, de-ivf)
73. A Bend in the Road (life after stillbirth)
74. Our Roller Coaster Through IVF (IVF, family, early pregnancy)
75. Cherish This Day (family of 4, Sagittal Craniosynostosis, TTC after IF)
76. Getting There (adoption, life, work)
77. Holly’s Narrative Dream (secondary infertility, life writing)
78. Being Joyful Always (adoption, infertility, weight loss)
79. Lil Family Blog (motherhood, lesbians, adoption)
80. MotherNatureSchmature (secondary infertility, FET)
81. Just Let Go (adoption, rpl, humour)
82. A Mommy’s Thoughts (mom after pcos)
83. Fractured Family Tales (life, kids, snark)
84. believing in june (mfi, ttc #2, hopeful)
85. Hope Delayed (infertility, ivf, life)
86. Give that girl a tall cappuccino (scrapbooking, life, travel)
87. Metholic (ttc, IVF, foster care)
88. Outlandish Notions (parenting infertility general)
89. Donating Hope (sif, egg donor, faith)
90. Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying (1st iui, pcos, ttc)
91. Carneyexploits (crafts, IVF, homemaking)
92. Buck Up, Buttercup (2nd trimester pregnancy after loss, twins, creativity)
93. BattleFish (life, early pregnancy, IVF)
94. Life As I Know It (twins, parenting, life)
95. It’s Definitely Possible (SMC, pregnancy, 3rd trimester)
96. Scrambled Eggs (infertility, IVF, life)
97. The list is closed.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments – 12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is red, the next month it will be yellow, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

I got to the end of Walter Isaacson’s Steve Jobs biography during Thanksgiving as I was baking a cake for a friend’s birthday.  Josh and I were sitting at the kitchen table — he was reading Murakami’s 1Q84 and I was finishing Steve Jobs — and the cake was baking in the oven.  Warm chocolate, with an undertone of coffee.

I obviously knew how the book would end, but I found myself crying as I got to April 2011, essentially reading the looking glass: what was happening on the other side as we exchanged emails.  I knew he was sick — the whole world knew he was sick — but I have to admit that I hadn’t given a lot of thought to what was happening in his world.  At least, not specifics.  I had been touched that he had taken the time to write my son; knew that he was a busy man and a sick man at that, and the fact that he would take the time to change a little boy’s life spoke volumes — to me — about his character.

And now I was reading about spring of 2011, and my heart broke for his family.  Any death is impossible to wrap your brain around.

I thought about how often someone has written me, having no clue what is happening in our house mostly because I haven’t said what is happening in our house.  I think about the times that I’ve composed a not-very-nice, leave-me-the-fuck-alone email in my head before sending off a terse, “so sorry — I’ll get to this soon” because no one really knows as we bump into each other — interact with one another — what is happening in the other person’s world; day-by-day or minute-by-minute.  We reach out to each other at these inopportune times without knowing.  And the worst is that we think we know.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to Josh, “there is no reason why it should be taking this long for X to write back.”  And the reality is that I have no idea what else is happening, what I don’t know at all, that affects the other person.  And I do this knowing full well how many times I have left things unsaid here and had to deal with the types of emails that come in when someone assumes that nothing is up.

Reading the book drove this point home: that we have no idea as we read someone’s blog, as we exchange emails, as we see each other on the street, as we spend time in each other’s houses, the subplot, the hidden story, the words unsaid, the thoughts locked inside the mind that affect the emotions, affect our ability to process an interaction.

And that is humbling.

This is the end of the book, but in between, there are dozens of places I marked, dozens of stories that I’ve been discussing with the Wolvog.  And I hope that you’ll indulge me as I process the book and the talks I’ve been having with the Wolvog about the lessons learned from studying someone else’s life.  Because there is something amazing about a person laying themselves bare, even if the book comes too late.  What I really wish I could do right now is write Steve an email — and maybe I will send it off into the ether — and let him know that now seeing the conversation in context, it means even more.  And just thank him for playing the role for my son that Bill Hewlett played for him.  The best lesson I can teach him from the book is to be open with your time, with your ability to reach out, and to do so, even when it is not convenient or easy or even something you want to be doing at all.  Because we’re all just humans, and our greatest gift is to crash into each other, to change each other’s lives, and to be grateful for every interaction because every moment of the day changes who we are.

Photo Credit: Acaben.

A question recently came through the Prompt-ly list from St. Elsewhere (thank you!) about being asked to be a judge for a competition or being asked to review a product, and I thought I would unpack my thoughts here.  Since I am that self-important that I believe I have something worth reading on this topic.

This is my take, for what it’s worth.  If you are a blogger, you are a writer, and being a writer is work.  Not everyone who writes gets paid, just as not everyone who installs cabinets in their kitchen gets paid.  If you’re helping a friend refurbish their kitchen, you may be doing this task for free.  So there are cabinet installers who get paid and cabinet installers who don’t, and they’re both installing cabinets and they’re both doing work.  There are plenty of other professions that have this dichotomy that extends beyond just pro bono work.  There are people who act or sing or paint — and some get paid and some never get paid.

So all people who engage in these sorts of tasks are doing work, though not all of them can count this work as their job.  Does that make sense?  It’s sort of like how all chinos are khakis but not all khakis are chinos… or something like that.

What is it going to take for you to believe me when I tell you that you’re a writer?  Do I have to yank out my extremely fake Harry Potter wand that I made out of hot glue and paper?  Fine, swish and flick:

Bam! You’re a writer.

And now that you recognize you are a writer, you need to start thinking and acting like one.  Even if you never make a dime off your blog, you are a writer and your blog is your writing space.  I am a paid writer and there are still places — like this one — where I write for free simply because it makes me happy.  I get paid here in the currency of control.  It is the only place that I write where I have complete control of the process — from what I say to how long I say it to when it goes up.  So this is a place where I write for free, but just because I don’t get paid in money doesn’t mean that it isn’t a task — and what is another word for task?  Work? — and if it’s a task, it takes time and energy to complete.  Therefore, I’m fairly picky about what I place in this space.  It has to be an idea that I came up with or someone else suggests that resonates with me so completely that I don’t feel bitter about taking up my time to sit down and write the post.

So this is the mental place I start when I get requests to place something on my blog or do write something for free for someone else’s space.

The first thing I ask myself is why they are asking for me to work for free.  If it’s because they don’t have the money to pay — such as a fellow blogger or a non-profit organization — I can wrap my mind around that and feel fine working for free.  After all, I often ask people for favours; to give me their skills or time for free.  I do so because I don’t have a lot of money.  If I did, I’d pay them.  But I don’t, so I have to ask and hopefully find someone who is kind enough to give me their skills for free.  I am fine saying “yes” to a lot of these types of requests because I’ve been on the other end of making them.

If they do have the money to pay but are choosing not to pay me, I’m not quite as cool with that.  That goes for big companies as well as small.  You need to spend money to make money.  While paying me for my skills may be a hardship for a small company, I can appreciate that and still say no.  Unless the company itself is something I would write about unprompted, I don’t take on work — either to place here on my blog or to write something for their site — when asked.  I even say so in my “about me” page in no uncertain terms.

Okay, so what about product reviews where they’re sending you the product?  In that case, the product becomes pay, and you have to decide if you’re okay with both the virtual price and the work you’re being asked to do to get it.  As that Trident commercial shows, some people like to be paid in gum.  At that point, I ask myself, is an hour of my time worth being paid one bottle of baconlube?  If I really wanted meaty lube, I might say yes.  But 99.9% of the time, I say no.

I’ve turned down a new oven, electronics, use of a car, and free trips.  All because while I was fine with the virtual pay for the task, I wasn’t fine doing the work.  I wanted the oven, but I didn’t want to say nice things about the company giving me the oven because they’re a pain in the ass to work with as a consumer.  So I couldn’t have written honestly about the company.  I wanted the trip, but I didn’t want to go on the trip by their rules.  In order for me to take on that “work,” I need to be fine not just with the pay but with what is being asked of me in order to get that pay.  I can count on one hand how many times I’ve done a review of a product or business where I was asked (vs. the times when I write about the peppermint tea I’m drinking just because I like it and think you might want to know about it too).

There are times when the product is something I want, and then I think it’s a fair trade.  My time, energy, or skills as a writer for their product.  If Tim Cook wrote me tomorrow and said,

Dear Melanie [I just assume that he’d get my name wrong since so many people do],

We’d like to give you an iPhone 4s and have you review it on your blog.  Would you be willing to do this?

Love,

Tim Cook

The answer would be yes.  I want an iPhone 4s, he is telling me that he’ll essentially pay me in an iPhone 4s to write a post on Stirrup Queens, and I am fine taking the time to write an honest review of my experience with his product in exchange for this type of pay.

But do I want to get paid in lipstick?  Or meatless frozen dinners?  Or washing machines?  The answer is no.  And once I start accepting those “payments” for the work, what I have is not an enhanced life where I feel like I’ve earned something of worth in exchange for my time and energy.  What I have is clutter.  I have a house cluttered with things I don’t really want.

What about being a paid reviewer?  There are programs out there where you can be hired to review a product.  You get paid for the post and you get to keep the product.  Those I treat just like any other freelance article.  I take some freelance articles that are pitched to me (at this point, the pitches go both ways — I pitch to certain places and sometimes other places pitch to me to write for them), and I skip others.  I usually base my decision on the pay (is it enough to warrant the work), how well I think I’ll do the work (am I comfortable writing about it), and my time limitations.  A journalist who reviews products for a magazine gets paid.  They get paid by the magazine.  A blogger who reviews products for their blog should also get paid.  They work for the review program; not the product itself.  And I’m fine with that as long as the review program wants an honest assessment of the product and will allow the writer to point out both its great features and its foibles.

What about being a judge?  A bunch of times, I’ve been asked to serve as a judge for a website’s contest or help work on another organization’s project.  Again, your time is valuable, and I’d take a good long look at how much buying your time should cost.  A few years ago, I implemented and ran and judged Resolve’s What IF project, mostly because I came up with the idea and pitched it to Barb Collura while we were having lunch in New York, and it made sense once the idea was fully formed for me to run it and give it my time — for free.  It came down to the fact that I believe the organization pays me in something else — lobbying hours on the Hill on my behalf.  Resolve fights the good fight for us, and I think  infertile soldiers should give something back to them.  So they pay me in the work they do, and I give them my skills for free as a thank you.

I’ve also been a judge and been paid to be a judge.  I was paid for my time in the judging process and then paid to attend the event where the winner was revealed.  They covered my travel expenses and gave me a stipend.  That showed me that the organization valued my time and energy.

But when I’m working on someone else’s project, I am giving up my personal time.  Or my paid work time.  Or my unpaid work time to dick around on everyone else’s blogs.  So I ask myself before agreeing to work on someone else’s project if I can afford to allow this other site or organization to take away my personal time.  Beyond that, when you work on a project, you are lending your name, your presence on the Web, your time and energy to THEIR project.  And I think my name, Web presence, and time is pretty valuable.  So I don’t give it out willy-nilly.

All of this comes down to one point: when someone asks me to do something for free (or for pay in the form of a product), I am rarely flattered.  Which is not to say when someone or an organization I’m a little star-struck over contacts me that I don’t run around the room in a tight circle for a few minutes saying, “they like me, they really like me!”  After I get that out of my system, I subject everyone and everything to those standards above.  I do not give away my time, energy, or skills without a lot of thought.  And I don’t think it’s very flattering to have someone ask you to work for free when they can pay you.  I think it’s more flattering when they say in no uncertain terms: we value your time and your expertise and your space on the Web, and we’d like to pay you in order to access those things.

I’ve always had the motto that if I can say yes, I should say yes.  But I keep myself inline with the word “can” since there is a personal cost every time I agree to give away my time or skills for free.  And frankly, I can’t afford to give away things that I need for myself.

So those are my very long two-cents on this free-work, review product debate.  And yes, it makes me sound like a curmudgeonly grinch.  But I like to think of it as respecting myself.

Photo Credit: Stevendepolo.

The greatest gift you can give a blogger isn’t a new computer or a year-long membership to self-host their site. It isn’t an Droid Razr or an iPhone 4S so they can blog on the go (though I certainly wouldn’t turn down an iPhone… just saying). It’s something simple and free that you can send out even at 11:59 pm on Christmas Eve and they’ll still have it by Christmas morning.

It’s the gift of the response: comments.

I know you’re probably thinking this gift sounds akin to receiving socks under the Christmas tree, but here me out. What do writers want most of all? They want eyes on their work and a response to their work. Bloggers crave traffic because traffic equals human beings all enjoying the words they’ve strung together. And they like comments because no one wants to speak into a vacuum. We want to know that our words were heard and know how the reader received them.

I think we all have good intentions to comment, but we often forget to actually do it. So here are a few ways you can give the gift of comments or traffic: openly or discreetly.

• Coupon Book: sometimes the posts we want feedback on the most are the ones that people remain silent on. Give a blogger an electronic coupon book with ten punch card spaces for comments. Whenever they have a post they really want a comment on, they can email you the link and you promise to leave them a thoughtful comment.
• Social Media Blast: give the gift of a social media blast. Tell a blogger that they can choose any post they wish and you’ll give it the social media royal treatment: tweet it, Facebook it, Stumble it, Google plus it, etc.
• Queen for a Day: throw a commenting party for a fellow blogger and encourage people to bombard them with comments and traffic for a day.
• Gift Giving on the Sly: you don’t always have to give gifts wrapped in ribbons and bows. Choose a blogger and without telling them so, commit to leaving a comment on every single blog post they write one month (or, if you’re up to it, the entire year).

While electronics are nice, no tangible gift can really replace the care and love that is shown through the gift of feedback and attention. So this holiday season, give the gift of comments. It won’t bust your budget, but it will make a world of difference in the life of another blogger.

Photo Credit: Vincent Van Der Pas.

Cross-posted with BlogHer