Last Wednesday night, I was cutting the ChickieNob’s nails before her bath, and I cut her thumb nail too deeply.  A dot of blood welled up, and she first started to cry and then changed her mind and looked away from it.  She asked her questions as I quickly cut the rest of the nails before I took care of it, trying to keep ahead of the blood which was threatening to run down her thumb.  How did I know that the blood was going to stop?  And did I think this was a big cut?  And have I ever bled before?

Everyone bleeds at some point.  Who can even remember all the cuts that seemed important at the time?

She wanted me to tell her about different times I’ve bled.

I didn’t say what was really in my head.

I told her about various times I’ve nicked myself shaving my legs.  Times that I could remember falling.  And I told her about a time when I was doing an injection and I hit a blood vessel.  When I pulled out the needle, an unexpected geyser of blood sprayed onto our apartment’s carpet.  We crawled around with a bottle of seltzer trying to dab up the spots.

At least, I thought Josh had been in the room with me.  I couldn’t remember what I had been thinking beforehand; only the moment of surprise when I saw the spray of red, like rose petals being tossed on a stage.

*******

After she went to sleep for the night, I took out my diary and read the passage.  I had been alone in the room.  The reality was that I had been trying to be nonchalant about the injection, telling myself that I was a huge fucking baby for not being used to them by now.  I had hurried through it, trying to convey to myself just how comfortable I was with needles.  I probably would have hit the blood vessel even if I was going slowly — it’s not as if you can see these things with a sub-q injection.  But I blamed my carelessness, my trying to pretend that I didn’t care.  This was apparently for my own benefit seeing that I was, after all, alone in the room until after the incident when Josh arrived with seltzer.  Apparently, I lied about how infertility affected me even when I was by myself.

*******

ChickieNob got into the bathtub, first holding her thumb out of the water despite the fact that I kept telling her that it was okay to submerge it, and finally holding it rigidly under water as if she had somehow ended up with someone else’s hand on the end of her wrist.

She asked me in the tiniest voice what happened to all the other babies that the doctor had tried to put in my belly.  Sometimes I think she is like a shark who can smell blood on the water miles away.  She knew exactly what was in my brain when I hesitated as I cut her nails, told her about the shaving nicks, the scrapes, the blood vessel.

“Well, they really weren’t babies.  They were zygotes or embryos.”

Sometimes, when I don’t think she really wants the full answer, I throw enough science-y terms at her, and she fills in the blanks however she needs to fill in the blanks at the moment.

She splashed around for a bit and then said, “wow, I could have had a lot of sisters and brothers.  If all of those zygotes and embryos had become babies.  They must have been just like an egg.  It would be like losing an egg.  It wouldn’t be like losing a baby.  Because where would the baby even go?”

She asked me why some birds leave their eggs in another bird’s nest and asked if birds will always sit on another bird’s egg, keeping it warm for them.  She spent the rest of the bath marveling at the idea that a bird could have a strange egg in its nest and not even know until the bird hatches.  She told me that she read about this in a non-fiction book.

*******

The diary covers a period of time before we started trying and goes until 5 days before we found out about the twins.  I’m not sure why I chose that day to stop writing because I didn’t journal again in any true sense of the word until I started this blog.  What was it about that day that made me put the pen down?

The reality is that the twins would not be here if not for all the zygotes and embryos that didn’t make it; the cycles that were cancelled or just failed outright.  They would not have been the ChickieNob’s brothers and sisters because if any of them were here, the twins would not be here.  And maybe it is because I have that part to the story that I can close the book on those early losses and not think about them.  That is only half the truth — an invented truth — just like I lied to myself that I didn’t think injections were a big deal; like I misremembered Josh being in the room. I do think about them.  But I don’t wish they were here like I did before the twins came.  That sometimes feels like a terrible thing to say; I obviously wanted all of them.  But they are the children I don’t know.  Would they equally move like a Muppet like the ChickieNob or curl up like a comma as the Wolvog does each night in bed?  I can’t imagine life without these particular children.

Right before Christmas, I was speaking to someone about their sibling’s miscarriage, and I told him a brief version of our history, so casual as if we were discussing the best way to make a crepe.  I went home and thought about it on and off all night.  I hated myself for speaking calmly about that point in time, as if the only proper way to discuss infertility or loss is to scream until my stomach turns inside out and the contents of my body are spewed all over the floor.  And I congratulated myself for being able to speak so frankly and calmly about something that had been so emotionally difficult in the moment.  Well which one is it?  Am I cold?  Am I healed?

The reality is that even in the moment, eight or nine years ago, I never named those losses.  I didn’t feel attached to them, per se.  I never felt the baby kick.  I never saw my stomach swell.  Those early losses never made themselves known in anything more than nausea.  What I felt attached to was the hope that this was finally it.  And again, I feel cold writing that, I berate myself for writing that.  I don’t feel like I’m explaining it well.

It’s not that I didn’t mourn those losses; I still felt a deep grief over them even after the twins were born.  I still light a candle for them on October 15th.  But because my story continued, it is something different because to long for those children means now that I wouldn’t have these.  So I don’t long for them.  I just think of them with the same sadness that I apply to infertility in general.  They have fallen backwards, blending with the rest of infertility so it is just one ball of grief rather than a ball of grief with five spikes sticking out of it.  It is still a ball of grief; it just doesn’t rub me raw as it used to do.

I am so acutely aware that this is the luxury of not only time, but the story continuing.  Of having the twins here rather than being back on that day when the journal ends.  They certainly didn’t erase all that came before, but they reframe it; simply by existing.  And by existing, they create this dichotomy.  I both wish and don’t wish that those other cycles were successful.  Which makes me feel cold.  Which makes me feel at peace.

And how will I remember this years from now?  This conversation with the ChickieNob over a clipped nail.  Will I remember Josh into the room?  Will I think that this was the conversation when I explained pregnancy loss?  Or will it fade from my memory entirely, just like a cut which felt so important in the moment but disappears from the mind by the time the Band-aid comes off?  Will I forget it until it read about it here, one night, in the future, after a different conversation?

I’m starting this on Thursday night, while the twins are finally asleep after standing by their windows post bedtime calling out to us, “I think I see something moving out there, something that is even faster than a plane.”  It makes me understand Christmas Eve, why people follow Santa on NORAD.  Except that it is even more exciting because Befana isn’t coming to any other house in our neighbourhood as far as we know.  The twins asked several times today whether she was visiting any of their friends, and I kept repeating, “no, she only comes to houses of people who believe in her.”  And they couldn’t wrap their minds around the idea of someone not believing in her.  What could possibly be gained by not believing in her?

So I pose that question to you: what is gained from not believing in magic?  In not believing in all the one million impossible things that our minds conjure up?  I guess I’ve never understood why people don’t continue to believe in at least versions of the things they believed as a child.  I still look in the Bay for Chessie every time we’re by the Kent Narrows.  I’m sure I’d do the exact same thing if we lived near Loch Ness.

I’m asking this as a serious question: why stop believing in unicorns and monsters and fairies and wizards?

*******

I meant to blog about or at least Tweet about the 2011 Creme de la Creme list closing to new submissions, but since I forgot, I’m keeping the list open until tonight.  11 pm EST tonight (as in, January 6th) is the last possible moment to submit a blog post for the Creme de la Creme of 2011.  The rest of the blurbs will be going up slowly over the course of the month.

*******

The twins and I have signed up for Codeacademy, which may just be the most addictive website ever.  The Wolvog already knows Javascript, but the ChickieNob and I don’t, and he is along for the ride (he is seriously the best cheerleader in the world.  I feel so freakin’ good when the boy is congratulating me for figuring out how to create a new variable.  He is so earnest that he actually makes me feel smart).  We like to bark at each other, “code academy!” like we’re drill sergeants and we have talked about making our own t-shirt uniforms to wear when we sit down together for lessons.  Not that we’re geeks or anything.

Is anyone else doing Code Year?

******

As of writing the Roundup, the Kindle version of Life from Scratch is still enormously on sale as part of an Amazon promotion to fill-your-Kindle (assuming, of course, that you just got a Kindle for a holiday gift and it is empty).  So if for some crazy reason you haven’t read it yet, here’s your chance for 99 cents.  A huge, huge, huge enormous thank you to everyone who has been helping spread word via their blogs or Twitter or Facebook or email or however else you are telling people about this.  Thank you thank you thank you.

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Gifts Worth Giving” (Miss Conception)
• “Little Girls” (The Lotus Flower)
• “Turn Turn Turn” (MissOhKay)
• “Well, Hello 2012” (Unruffled Lanie)
• “Resolutions of New Years Past” (Clay Baboons)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Our Own Creation has a lovely, brief post on what should have been Zoë and Lennox’s fourth birthday party.  It is so quiet, so filled with all the hope she felt for those children, that you can’t help but feel your throat close as you read it.

Uppercase Woman hits it out of the park with her post on body acceptance.  I love this thought, “As Americans we attach so much virtue to dieting, to the idea that the only times our body are mildly acceptable as fat people is when we are in a perpetual state of hunger and deprivation to try to chisel ourselves down to a smaller version.  But I won’t go there again.”  I love her usage of the term “body acceptance” instead of “fat acceptance” (because frankly, there are plenty of reasons why people hate their body).  And this final point is great: “It’s hard to love ourselves and treat our bodies as objects to be treasured when we don’t like how we look. Trust me. I live this every day.”  A must-read post.

Too Many Fish to Fry has kicked off a series to balance out the mainstream media’s coverage of outlying fertility cases.  She is presenting just your average infertile woman, in this case, Bodega Bliss.  The idea in and of itself is fantastic, and the accolades need to go to both writers; Bodega for giving her story and Fish for how she presents it.  But moreover, it’s just a beautiful, heartbreaking post to read; both unique and at the same time accessible to anyone who has experienced a loss or wants to understand.

Lastly, Infertile Fantasies has a post kicking off 2012, that is also about the various reasons why people blog and how certain blogs read.  This obviously resonated with me: “For myself, I blog to think. More than that: I connect to think.”  It is about not being done with a space, but not really knowing what to write.  And sort of being comfortable with that is a valid place to be — and blog from — too.

The roundup to the Roundup: Why stop believing in the things that made you happy to think existed as a child?  Creme de la Creme is still open for another few hours.  We’re doing Code Academy; how about you?  Please help me spread word about the Kindle deal.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between December 30th and January 6th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Long term readers of my blog know that every January 6th, we celebrate Befana Day even though we are not (1) Italian or (2) Catholic.  The short version of the story is that I picked up the tradition one winter when I was in Florence, Italy.  The longer version includes a convoluted story of very loud sex partaken by other hotel guests staying at the same palazzo, and a conversation with the owner’s daughter which ended with her announcing that she needed to go fill her child’s shoes with candy.  A lot came between listening to the people having sex and the candy in the shoes, but none of it is very important.  The bare facts you need to know is that I’ve been celebrating Befana Day since 1994ish even though I am not Italian or Catholic.

Befana Day — also known as Epiphany — falls every January 6th.  On the night of January 5th, the witch Befana flies through the air, delivering toys and candy to children who believe in her.  She comes to our house because we believe in her wholeheartedly.  The twins draw pictures of shoes and set them outside their rooms (since we all agreed that actually putting the candy in their mangy shoes was twenty kinds of gross).  In the morning, they open their gift before school and at night, we eat a meal of potato caramelle (the recipe will follow below).

I started celebrating this holiday back when I was in graduate school, before I knew anything about infertility.  So it’s sort of strange that I would fall in love with this holiday where infertility and loss feature so prominently in the story.  This is the story the owner’s daughter told us about Befana:

Once there was a woman named Befana. She was cooking and cleaning and just trying to get through her day when three men came to her house and asked directions to Bethlehem. They told her that a baby had been born who was G-d in human form and they asked if she wanted to come with them to see the new baby. Befana said no because she thought she had already used up too much time giving them directions and she went back to her cleaning and cooking.

A little while later, she thought about how she had just missed this amazing opportunity because she had been so focused on this end goal of having the house clean and dinner cooked. She ran out of the house with her broom and apron and tried to find the three travelers (who were, of course, the three wise men). Befana still goes from house to house to this day, trying to find the baby and leaves gifts and candy at each house she visits.

She also gave a second version of the story that hits much closer to home:

Befana was an old woman who was finally a mother after many many years of infertility. The king learned that a baby would be born who would be G-d in human form and he ordered all baby boys to be murdered. Her son was killed in front of her but in her grief, she refused to accept the loss. Instead, she piled together all the things she had made for him, all the hope she had infused into these tangible items while she waited for him, and went out wandering around the world with this sack on her back.

One night, she came to a manger and in her grief, she thought she had found her son who she believed to be lost rather than dead. She placed these items in the manger and the baby’s family saw how deeply this woman grieved from not having her child that they named her Befana, the giver of gifts and gave her a special blessing. One night out of the year, she is a mother to all of the children in the world. On that night, she travels from home to home, leaving presents for children, to remind them how much they are wanted.

I’m not sure how much I love this second version of the story which plays into all the stereotypes of crazy grieving mothers, but there is a part of me that connects with Befana and her grief.  I imagine the modern-day Befana as a thirty-something woman, making her toys in the middle of the night when no one can see her crying.  She holds it together during the day, possibly working an office job so no one suspects that she really has magical powers, and at night, she just sits with her hope, making things for children until the day she can parent her own.

Interestingly, in poking around the Internet about the history of Befana, I came across an article that mentioned that she comes from the Roman goddess Strina or Strenua.  And in looking up information on this Sabine goddess, I discovered that she is the embodiment of strength and endurance.  Which — I think — says a lot about the women in this community.

So.

Caramelle pasta is also a Befana Day tradition (at least, according to the hotel owner’s daughter — I’m not Italian, so if I’m getting all of this completely wrong, it’s her fault).  The shape is meant to resemble the pieces of candy that Befana leaves.  We stuff ours with a creamy potato and balsamic-glazed onion mixture.  I make them ahead of time and freeze them, and serve the meal with a salad.  You do need a hand-cranked pasta machine to make these, but considering they cost about $20, I think it’s one of those things every kitchen should have.

Fresh Pasta

Ingredients:

3 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour
5 eggs
pinch of salt

Place the flour in a huge bowl (I like to knead inside the bowl in order to minimize the mess). Make a well in the center. Crack the eggs into the middle of the well and add a pinch of salt. Using your hands, knead the dough together until it is smooth. You will possibly need to add a bit of water or a bit of flour in order to bring it to a satiny finish. Once you have a smooth ball of dough, divide it into 4 parts, wrap each with plastic wrap, and let it rest for an hour while you make the filling.

Caramelle Filling

Ingredients:
2 medium potatoes
1 onion
2 tbsp of balsamic vinegar
1 tbsp of olive oil
a few sprigs of fresh thyme
2 tbsp butter
1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Wash and prick the potatoes and set them on a foil covered baking sheet. Create a small nest out of a second piece of foil and place inside the onion in 4 quarters. Cover the onion sections with the thyme and balsamic vinegar and a splash of olive oil. Close that foil nest and place on the baking sheet too. Put the whole thing in the oven for 45 minutes. The potatoes should be soft when you stick a fork in them to test them.

Allow it to cool a bit and then peel the potatoes (the skin will come right off). Place the drained onions (discard most of the thyme), the potatoes, butter, and cheese in a cuisinart. Puree until smooth. The filling will look like this.

Caramelle Pasta

To put the pasta together, dust the first section of pasta dough with some flour. Run it through the machine on the widest setting (usually 7). Pass it through again two settings down (usually 5), and finally do it a third time at a low setting (I always use 3). Using a square cookie cutter, punch out as many squares as possible.

I use the leftover dough a second time (running it through the three settings), but then toss the rest because it becomes too tough. Fill the squares with a dime-sized amount of filling.

Fold the dough over the filling and continue to roll it until it looks like a tube. Then, pinch the two ends closed. This also works out the air so the pasta will stay closed during the cooking process.

I lay out the caramelle on parchment paper and flash freeze, finally transferring them to a tupperware container.

They cook in about 5 minutes in boiling water. (You’ll need to stay close by and try one or two because the cooking time varies depending on whether they are fresh or frozen.) I serve with butter and a bit of additional cheese.

Buon appetito!

A little tradition you can take and make your own if it speaks to you as it did me.  If making your own pasta feels like too much work this year, feel free to still honour Befana with a slice of pizza or a can of Spaghetti-os.  I use the holiday to say a wish for myself and for the entirely ALI community.  Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes you just need to embrace these outlets.

You know those dreams where you start running but you can’t seem to get any traction, so your body is sort of moving slowly, discordant with how quickly your legs are running.  Is it just me?  Does anyone else have those sorts of dreams where you’re trying to run away, and you can’t seem to get your dream body to move?

I feel like I’m going through this day like globules of vinegar floating in a pool of oil.  I deleted large files out of my gmail account.  I did a bit of work.  I forgot about lunch.  I considered drinking more coffee countless times.

I probably always have a bit of a comedown after the Creme de la Creme posts.  It sometimes feels like popping a cage door and watching a bird fly away, without knowing if you were really ready to say goodbye.  Maybe it’s just start of the year blues.  Maybe it’s end of the world angst.

Photo Credit: Kaibara87.

For the sixth year running, the ALI community kicks off the new year by celebrating our best posts of the last year.

So what is the Creme de la Creme list if this is your first time here? It was started as a response to the many blogging awards that are given out each winter. I expanded the idea of presenting “the best” to include a post from every blog in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) world*. Every blogger has a personal best that deserves recognition. As editor of the list, I create the small blurbs after the title which serve as a doorway to the post. I hope they will help you find what you are seeking to read as well as show definitively the diversity of experience and emotion within the ALI community.

Listed below are the best posts of 2011. If you have a blog that chronicles your family building experience with infertility* and you’re not on this list, please read this post and follow the instructions to send in your submission. This post is open until January 5, 2012.

In the meantime, happy reading! And leaving a comment on these older posts is not a “may I?” but a “please do.” Comments are how an author knows their words are appreciated. Comments about the Creme de la Creme in general can be left on this post.

The Creme de la Creme of 2011

1. Occupy Blog Street (from Stirrup Queens): A post for the 99% of bloggers who don’t make the “best of” lists each year, the author encourages writers to protest by occupying their own blog and writing a kickass post.
2. Backstory (from Donating Hope): The author looks at how her first marriage still continues to haunt her life to this day without her realizing it before this point. A beautiful post about the decisions we make and what the heart wants.
3. My Son Processes his Adoptedness (from WriteMindOpenHeart): A mother keeps the lines of communication open with her son in regards to adoption and helps him over an emotional bridge when discussing his birthmother.
4. Once in a Lifetime (from A Half Baked Life): Weaving in the idea that every day is once in a lifetime, the author talks about bonding with her daughter and the thoughts she has as people return to the classroom now that she is not in academia for the time being. It is about holding tight to the present, to being here in the moment rather than thinking about the past or future.
5. Breathing (A Poem) (from Four of a Kind): With each breath a mother takes, she remembers the child she carried and lost. A beautiful poem infusing a body with oxygen and memories.
6. Critical Thinking: When Is Enough Enough? (from Wistfulgirl’s World): The author asks an interesting question about what applies more to knowing when it would be best to not do treatments: the amount of things tried or the amount of time spent? After a long time waiting, she is ready to parent.
7. The Back and Forth of Heartbreak (from Bio Girl): A heartbreaking post about rationally knowing that the journey is over but the heart being unable to let go of the idea of still trying to build the family that exists in her dreams.
8. Three (from Production, Not Reproduction): A beautiful letter from mother to daughter on her child’s third birthday with a hope that while she may not remember the specifics of her life at age three, that her child will always have imprinted on her being how she went through this world so deeply loved.
9. Way Wanted Babies (from IF Crossroads): At a picnic held by her fertility clinic, the author finds her tribe after feeling different from other parents for so long. Spending time at an event for people parenting after infertility changes her perspective on parents.
10. Miscarriages are Real Losses (from Stumbling Gracefully): The author busts open myths about miscarriage, explaining that when the loss isn’t validated, it adds to the physical and emotional pain already experienced by the woman.
11. The Death of the Fear of Dying (from My Lady of the Lantern): A painfully raw post to read; the author describes a time when her daughter was already dead, but she had not yet been told, and she was ready to give G-d her own life in order to have her child live. A moving post about the depth of love.
12. Griefs Rolling Tides – Mourning a Child (from Hiding Scars in my Yarn): A mother explains what it is like to lose a child — from the moments after the loss to way down the road when someone asks you if you have children.
13. Balance (from The Smartness): A gorgeous post about parenting after infertility that states: “I asked ‘Why me?’ when I couldn’t get pregnant. Now I ask (again), ‘Why me?’ Why were we lucky, when it seems that so many others are overlooked?”
14. Hot and bothered (from Non Sequitur Chica): The reality is that none of us know what is happening in someone else’s world when we ask a question, and this post serves as a good reminder for the thoughts unsaid in the conversation.
15. A Day in The Life (from Future Expectations): A typical day in the very busy life of a single mum of twins.
16. Finding my Sight (from Not a Fertile Myrtle): The author realizes that if given the choice, she wouldn’t give up her infertility. Because even though she is still in the struggle to reach parenthood, infertility has given her a new view of the world.
17. Biological Clock (from Created Family): The author debates the balance between giving up her carefree twenties to the stress of infertility vs. starting family building early enough that more choices are open on her path.
18. Like a Broken Record (from BattleFish): 3 months after the death of her mother, the author wonders how no one can tell that her smile doesn’t extend up to her eyes. While the rest of the world moves on, she continues to internally mourn so intensely that it seems strange that people can’t sense it externally.
19. What I Hope my Child Would Want Me to Know (from Journey of Hope): Instead of a letter from mother to lost child, this letter is from the point-of-view of a baby gone too soon; what she wants her mother to know.
20. August (from I Lost a World): Marveling at the child who is here while mourning the child who is not; a note from mother to son about the love she feels for his sister, the anger she feels over his absence.
21. 25 Dollars (Canadian) (from Mommy Odyssey): Feeling desperate for a modicum of control following another miscarriage, the author shells out money to an online baby psychic for information on when her children would arrive. The lessons learned for $25 bucks and an ectopic pregnancy.
22. …And There Always Glad You Came (from Three is a Magic Number): The author, parenting after infertility, at first believes herself to be different from the Other Mothers, but a night out makes her realize that maybe she has more in common than she initially thinks.
23. The Walk (from Slaying, Blogging, Whatever…): A happy post about a walk with her daughter; a simple day in the life with so many additional layers underneath.
24. If Given The Chance (from Funny Little Pollywogs): An emotional poem from a mother to her lost children about all the things she would have done.
25. Our Adoption Reopens (Subtitled “Adoption Is Hard”) (from Barren Woman): As the author moves from a closed to an open adoption, she writes a moving, important post about the reality of adoption.
26. What a Change a Year Makes (from Lessons from an Infertile Social Worker): A year later and her entire life different, a mother states: “Hope is a magical thing, never lost forever. It is always there, waiting to be found, waiting to be allowed back in. It’s a matter of seeing it, though it may not necessarily be in the form you expected it to be.”
27. Why I Call Myself an Infertile (from As Good As It Gets?): The author explains why she still calls herself infertile even after having a child. It isn’t about being stuck in the past; it’s about paying it forward.
28. Mixed Emotions (from Not The Path I Chose): A moving post about how the author processes Mother’s Day without her mum.
29. And Then it Hits Me… (from A Nuttier Life): When her SIL announces her pregnancy, the author realizes that the timing is similar to the child she lost; that as they were losing their pregnancy, another family member was creating life. And this realization hits her hard.
30. Why I Killed Facebook (from Fertility Alphabet Soup): The author explains why she shutdown her Facebook account, and how her life hasn’t really changed at all with the exception that she doesn’t need to wade through pregnancy announcements anymore.
31. Destiny (from Witty Infertility): Rejecting the idea that her life is only complete after she reaches a milestone, the author embraces all that is currently good in her life right now.
32. Full Circle (from Can I Get Some Sugar with these Lemons?): A Journey song brings catharsis for the author and her husband after the birth of their long-awaited child.
33. Shine On: This One is For You (from Chasing our Stork: From ART to Adoption): A video set to the song “Shine On” encapsulating all of the author’s emotions regarding infertility.
34. The Reason (from BagMomma): A thought-provoking post about why things happen, and the purpose of the struggles in life.
35. Letter in Green Biro (from Nuts in May): A scathing response to a thoughtless advice column that condescendingly told a childless woman that she was the envy of mothers.
36. Saying Goodbye Again (from Sunnydaytodaymama): A mother says goodbye to the embryos that didn’t make it post-transfer, all the while looking at her IVF child and knowing how much he wants to be a big brother.
37. Definition of Family (from CD1 Again): A wonderful post by a stepmother trying to explain to her stepdaughter her place in her life, all the while trying to figure out how we define family.
38. Steps (from Worrier/Warrior): A beautiful post about letting go of the past and realizing that she is free to be happy, that she doesn’t need to remain mentally in the same place she was when going through infertility.
39. An In Between Place (from Here We Go Again): The author points out a hole in the English language, the emotional no-man’s-land between miscarriage and stillbirth, and how her loss doesn’t fit in either space.
40. Two Years Of Wedded Bliss (from If You Don’t Stand For Something): On the 2nd anniversary of their marriage, the author looks at how she has become a stronger woman and they have become a stronger couple together. A beautiful post from wife to husband.
41. My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow (from My Infertility Story): The act of compressing her 3 year infertility journey into a timeline makes her reflect on how infertility has affected her life.
42. Infertility and Deployment: An Analogy (from The Annoyed Army Wife): In order to explain what infertility is like, the author creates an analogy to the unknowns of deployment. A valuable door for people to walk through to understand her experience.
43. The Miscarriage and Infertility Phenomenon (from Life, Loss, and Other Things Worth Mentioning): The author points out how one rarely notices how frequently they see pregnant women or Facebook statuses about pregnancy until one is confronting infertility, and she explains what she says to herself in order to deal with these continuous visual reminders.
44. Just Relax (Lest I Forget) (from A Field of Dreams): A scathing response to the useless advice of “Just Relax” as the author recalls different locations on her infertility journey: the kitchen floor, the clinic’s office, the emergency room.
45. Being Appreciative (from Hapa Hopes): Maybe it’s the wait that makes the heart that much more accommodating; the author recalls dating and applies the experience to waiting for her child.
46. On The Universe That Does Not Give a Damn and The Resolution of Loss (from Stork Stalking): In trying to make sense of why terrible things happen, the author explores the idea that out of destruction comes creation.
47. Stumbling Blocks (from Viva la Vida): Taking the “in” at the beginning of infertility, the author tells what she will be in vs. focusing on the things she is without.
48. Where Does Faith Come From (from Bring on the Babies…): Grappling with the idea of faith, the author explains how hers was shaken while relaying several stories that will send chills down your arms.
49. Miraculous Time (from Kmina’s Blog): A new mother explains why she isn’t in any rush to engage in sleep training, pointing out that all of us have mothers who feel about us the way she feels about her new baby.
50. Mothers’ Day (from Baby Smiling In Back Seat): With the most moving line of all — “At the time, I had no idea that 2010 would be the only Mothers’ Day of my life that I’d both be a mother and have a mother.” — the author walks through how she spent the holiday over the years, the longing and loss.
51. All We Are Is Broken (from Life and Love in the Petri Dish): After going for broke, the author admits that all they have to show for it is that they are broken. A post about mourning and the far-reaching effects of infertility.
52. Mikveh Night (from The Journey to Baby G): The author talks about the turning point when going to the mikveh — a ritual bath — went from being a time of hope to a reminder of what isn’t there.
53. The Girl I Used To Be (from The Misadventures of Missohkay): A wish that she could go back in time and warn herself of all she would endure in the course of a year. A post about the dates that haunt her as well as ultimately holding on to hope that life will be different in the future.
54. One Year Ago (from Even Miracles Take a Little Time): Instead of focusing on the day of birth, the author retells the day of her child’s conception, the IUI that brought her son to life.
55. A Year and A Half (from Baby Shmaybe…?): A catch-up post coming 18 months after her last post, the author tells the story of conceiving and delivering her son.
56. Frustration (from IF In Big Sky Country): An incredibly frustrating interaction with medical staff who take their time to convey that the author’s husband has a tumour in his kidney. The first post about the cancer that was part of their year.
57. Infertility Is Just Like A Fatal Disease, Only Worse. (from Becoming Parents): Explaining how infertility is fatal, killing the dreams you once had of your life, the author writes, “This disease is every bit as fatal as cancer, only with one horrible caveat — at the end, you physically remain alive and will spend the rest of your days on earth mourning the death of the life you always wanted.”
58. The Butterfly (from Team Baby): An incredibly moving post about a butterfly found in the backyard that serves as a reminder of her embryos that didn’t make it.
59. Am I Delusional? (from Diaries by Lucy): An explanation of how different IVF is this second time around, with the emotions of their first foray into treatments gone after the birth of their son.
60. Remember When Nancy Kerrigan Got Hit In The Knee And She Was Sobbing “Why Me?” Over And Over? Yeah. I’m Trying To Avoid That. (from Eggs In A Row): A great post using the story of Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan to put her sister’s pregnancy (and attending her shower) into perspective.
61. How I Look At Children (from First Time Twins): The author explains why she may come across as someone not fond of children despite how much she wants to have children, providing an excellent analogy to brownies to boot.
62. Right Where I Am: 12 years, 9 months (from The Road Less Travelled): Participating in a project of where she is in her grief at this very moment, the author relays the 13 years between the loss of her daughter and now. It is a bittersweet post about love, about noticing the ways we differ, and the price that was paid to have the life she has now.
63. Boxes and Dust Part 2 (from A Woman My Age): Going through mementos from the past, the author admits that the tiny reminders of infertility still get to her.
64. Comfort Zones (from Skytimes): The Internet becomes the mental space she needs as much as the physical space to find her sense of comfort.
65. The Art of IVF (from Dear Infertility): Like cooking and baking, other art forms and lithography, IVF requires the doctor to both know a formula and leave it in order to accommodate all the tiny details that make a unique human being.
66. The Luckiest (from Monkey Soup): Redefining the term “luck,” the author explains how this is a loaded word within adoption and alternative ways to look at it.
67. Accepting That This is the Path We’re On (from Invisible Mother): As much as the diagnosis is difficult to hear, the author explains why it also brings her peace to be fighting for a baby rather than fighting to not have a problem named.
68. Being a Shut-In, or How Big is Home? (from Where Do We Go From Here?): The story of how her world expanded and contracted, due to infertility, and the comfort that comes from knowing a space — no matter how large or small — extremely well.
69. Infertility 101 (from This Space For Rent): Doing away with infertility myths, the author focuses on the facts of infertility including how many people are affected and how relaxing doesn’t make babies.
70. Slowly Losing My Sanity (from Which Way To Baby): The madness that is the first days after a positive beta; the hope and anxiety that mark the experience.
71. Happy Independence Day! (from Babylicious Tales): On Independence Day, the author applies that concept of freedom to all the choices we have as infertile women on ways to get to parenthood as well as how to parent once we get there.
72. My Baby Has a Grandma (from Plan B(aby)): A warning: you will cry reading this post. A beautiful story about the daughter she lost, Naomi, and how in naming her after the loss, it led to a larger story of the people we know on earth and the moments perhaps that come after death.
73. Crazy Cat Lady (from Somewhere in the Middle): After the sting of a friend’s comment that the author has become a Crazy Cat Lady, she embraces the idea of how much her cat means to her, especially the love he gives her when she is down.
74. Is This What Healing Looks Like (from Once A Mother…): Jumping off the concept of what it means to heal after losing a child, the author talks about what gave her the strength to continue living. And how in living itself, she came to heal albeit with scars.
75. How to Explain to Someone What IF Feels Like (from The Port of Indecision): Using the acronym “bitch, please,” the author gives 11 facts about how infertility affects a person deeply.
76. Stretch Marks (from The Lotus Flower): The stretch marks that she despised during pregnancy become a loving mark of her motherhood after the loss of her daughter. She explains that it is okay that her body will never be the same again, since she will never be the same again after this loss.
77. Don’t Bet on 14 (from Where Love And Chaos Reign): After getting positive pregnancy tests at 10dpo, she discovers her hCG is 14, and two days later, only 11. A heartbreaking post about loss.
78. Mommy Balancing Act (from The Subfertile Frugalista): The author admits that she doesn’t balance motherhood well, pointing out all the places where she is lacking, all the while cognizant that in the place that is most important to her, she is completely present.
79. Father’s Day (from Chasing Rainbows): On Father’s Day, the author gives a small prayer of thanks to her son’s donor, who — while not his father in any sense of the world — still is important to her because without him, her son wouldn’t be here.
80. My Infertility Manifesto (from Notes from the Ninth Circle – Jessie’s Infertility Journal): A manifesto about how she is dealing with infertility, and how what she is feeling is completely normal considering the circumstances.
81. Bust a Myth (from Mommy Mahem): Busting an infertility myth, the author explains how parenting after adoption adds additional layers, and that it isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to family building issues.
82. On Luck (from Meier Madness): Since good luck has found her at other points in life, the author assumed that ease would be the case in building her family and grapples with whether or not luck will find her again.
83. Thoughts on BFP Blogs (from The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita): Sound advice on writing after your infertility blog turns into a pregnancy or parenting blog.
84. Well, If My Chart Didn’t Say “Crazy” Before, It Does Now (from Three Cats and a Baby): The author explains how anxious she is about an impending appointment with her doctor after her hysterectomy, and why she put it off for so long. A post about the phone conversation with the office after she mentions her 10-month-old son.
85. Confessions of an Infertile Mother-to-Be (from The Stork Drop Zone): A deeply raw post about the reality of surrogacy; the losses inherent in the process even while keeping your eyes on the end result. A very honest post about the experience.
86. Forget Weddings and Baby Showers…IVF Extravaganza is All the New Rage (from Petri Dish Chronicles): Going through the fine details such as wardrobe and celebration drinks, the author compares being a bride-to-be, a mother-to-be, or a woman going through IVF and finds the winner.
87. On Wanting More (from Manapan’s Space): Even while being grateful for what she has, the author admits that having her son doesn’t erase what came before nor keep her from wanting more.
88. The Power of Our Love (from Dragondreamer’s Lair): A beautiful post about the quilt a community came together to make for one of their own, and the woman who spearheaded the project providing the behind the scenes story.
89. Contraception (from Ginger and Lime): A sobering look at how we believe we have control, and how much is actually out of our hands. A post about everything the author thought about getting pregnant, and the reality of how little they needed birth control in the end.
90. Dear George (from Burble): A beautiful letter from parent to child about missing him while still feeling his presence everywhere she goes.
91. On “Giving Up” (from Bodega Bliss): A very important post to read about what the author has learned about the concept of giving up. She writes: “It turns out I was wrong all along. This isn’t giving up. This is knowing when you’ve done all that your heart can bear.”
92. Dust in the Shadows (from Cullen’s Blessings): A breathtaking, brief poem about the death of her child.
93. Confessions of an Infertile (from The 2 Week Wait): The discrepancy between the truth and how we answer questions about infertility. A fantastic vent about the thoughts that she never feels right releasing.
94. Journey (from Adventures of Taderbaby): A story about trying again after infertility. The author relays the story of being pregnant with their current child, and how it went from feeling hopeless to full of hope.
95. Tolerant of the Intolerant (from Erat Mama): A post about the ignorant things people say and protecting your future children from other people’s hate. A beautiful look at the idea of being tolerant of the intolerant.
96. My Brother In-Law Vince (from A Single Journey): A moving post that goes from the inappropriate thoughts she has during the church service to finally understanding why a woman at the church asks for the same prayer every week.
97. In The House I Built (from My Star In Heaven): A gorgeous analogy to life as a home, with her focus being the figurative room that should have held her daughter.
98. So, It’s *THAT* Day, Eh? (from Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings): While others ask the author if she is excited for her first Mother’s Day, she explains that this moment feels anticlimactic considering that she has already considered herself a mother even when the rest of the world didn’t.
99. Mommy’s Garden (from Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed): Retelling a story that a friend told her, the author gives a parable for how to explain donor eggs to a child.
100. The ART of Conception (from Sybil and Alex): A helpful post about the science behind conception, and how treatments and medication aid in the creation of a life when a woman has PCOS.
101. Breaking Up with Treatment (from Searching for the Missing Piece): A post about how difficult it is for her to breakup with treatments, even though the author knows that it’s the right choice for her. Using the analogy of a relationship, she tries to explain why it is so difficult to walk away.
102. Six Weeks and Peace Remains (from Our Life & God’s Plans): How one woman finds peace with G-d after receiving their infertility diagnosis.
103. You Must Give Up the Live You’ve Planned In Order to Find the Life That’s Waiting for You. (from A Fine Mess): The author kicks infertility to the curb (and beats her ass for good measure) through the song “Stronger” by Sara Evans.
104. On Becoming the Crazy Infertile Lady (from Getting There): The author jokingly fears that she is nearing her point of becoming a crazy infertile lady and provides a list of the five signs that will show she has gone over the edge.
105. 36 Eggs – What the?!?! (from Donor Eggs Journey): A beautiful post about meeting her son’s egg donor when they return to see if they can create a sibling for him. She describes the interaction as well as how she feels seeing her son’s features on this woman’s face.
106. Sibling Rivalry (from Compromised Fertility): The author returns to the sibling rivalry she felt as a child when her sister mentions that she is going to try to get pregnant right after her wedding, and she has a sinking sense that this will probably go easily for her sister even though it has been difficult for her.
107. Who Would Have Thought? (from 1tsp grace): A brief, sweet post about the difference a year makes.
108. I Thought We Were Suppose to Support Each Other! (from The Rocky Road to Motherhood): Pointing out the darker side of the ALI community, the author implores bloggers not to stop reading and supporting someone once they make it to pregnancy or parenting. A post about how we need more caring and less judging.
109. Secret Fears (from My Lazy Ovaries): A very honest post about the author’s secret fears about infertility; whether her past thoughts are somehow sabotaging her current efforts as well as whether she is attempting to build her family for the “right” reasons.
110. AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh! (from Things get IF’fy): An amusing post fast-forwarding to life in the nursing home and how the author thinks she might react to people talking about their grandchildren as well as having that need to pretend to still be stimming when she’s old and grey.
111. Choices of Marriage (from A Life of Choice): Speaking from a place where her marriage has come from a difficult period onto much smoother ground, the author considers what worked for them.
112. Acrostic (from Infertile Fantasies): Taking apart the words “fail” and “win,” the author dissects the highs and lows in parenting, examining what is working and what is not, and reminding herself that it is a long journey.
113. Facebook Killed the Blogger Star (from Our Family Beginnings): In a goodbye post, a blogger signs off for the time being after completing her family. Loving a site enough to know when it is time to leave it.
114. Love Letter to My Chemical Pregnancy (from This is More Personal): A note from mother to child as her pregnancy ends, telling her embryo that it is the first time she has gotten to experience pregnancy; that its very presence has brought her hope.
115. The Spiraling Insanity (Part I) (from Fox In The HenHouse): A raw post about what it was like for the author to experience an ectopic pregnancy, the conflicting emotions and the physical aspects.
116. Head in the Sand (from Detour): Dr. Google, the author explains, can be a blessing as much as it can also be a curse for the anxious, and she encourages women to speak up to their doctor if they have the symptoms for endometriosis.
117. Me and the Cuckoo Baby (from Grit and Patience): Using the analogy of the cuckoo bird’s behaviour, the author admits her anxieties about her donor egg baby not quite fitting; not just in size, but inside her heart, until she reassures herself with others she loves who are not biologically related.
118. Working Toward the “Known” (from Weathering the Storm): The author is ready to move away from treatments, but her husband’s heart is still set on continuing on this path. She asks the reader how they decided to stop treatments.
119. Living With Courage (from A Second Line): After the author almost loses her life in childbirth, she explains how she came to her philosophy to live without fear.
120. Brave (from Still Life with Circles): An injection at the doctor’s office brings all of her daughter’s emotions to the surface in a post that explores what it means to be brave and strong; the impermanence of life.
121. Public Service Announcement and Symptom Updates by DPO (from Waiting Expectantly for the Unexpected): A reminder to readers about why the author blogs, what the blog is, and what it isn’t.
122. Four Months (from Fireworks and Rainbows): The author only got 33 hours with her child, and this post encapsulates her anguish and longing for her son.
123. What a Difference a Year Makes (from Waiting for Little Feet): The author explains how she used to live with infertility vs. the space it takes up in her life now, choosing to focus on the present rather than only halfway participating in her life.
124. Adoption is Like a Roller Coaster Ride (from Fearlessly Infertile): A post comparing the adoption process to riding a roller coaster, that ends with a decision to ride this journey with her arms up in the air.
125. The Gift (from MoJo Working): In the loss of her child, the author finds a reason to leave her old life behind, grab her husband’s hand, and run into their new life together; a gift that she admits comes from that loss, something her child gave her.
126. My Guardian Angel (from A Blanket 2 Keep): The author shares with a friend that she is infertile and receives back all the support she needs.
127. It Never Occurred to Us That It Wouldn’t Work (from Rasta Less Traveled): In a raw post, the author admits that she never thought her surrogacy cycle wouldn’t work, and when it doesn’t, she is devastated.
128. 9 Months of Grief (from Wegen Tales): The author points out the other situations that are resolved within nine months and asks why grief can’t work in the same manner. A post about finding her strength in her religion.
129. Five Years Gone (from Life From Here: Musings From the Edge): Capturing the paradox that exists — her daughter would not be with her if she hadn’t lost her son — the author discusses how grief looks down the road, not realizing as she writes that she is nurturing another life.
130. Miscarriage = A Broken Heart (from The Redhead Files): Getting the details off her chest, the author places all the small moments from her miscarriage on the screen.
131. Baby Making Roulette (from Single Infertile Female): Frustrated by the fact that the author is clearly ovulating and there’s no sex to be had in sight, she laments that she wishes there were more options for her beyond always waiting for IVF.
132. Remembering (from Slowmamma): An incredibly moving post about her son’s identical twin brother who died and how she carries his memory.
133. Footprints (from Wonderfully Ordinary): A post that will make you smile about how the carpet in her guest room has changed — at least how she vacuums it — now that she has a baby.
134. Top 8 Reasons for IVF Stress… (from IVF Success Stories – Overcoming Infertility): The eight most common moments for stress during IVF including fertilization reports and betas.
135. Emotionally Ok… Mostly (from The Kay Khronicles): A tiny post admitting that after her loss, she is not emotionally okay.
136. Take These 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Be Infertile (from Womb For Improvement): In the spirit of a popular meme, an amusing post about the 14 simple tests you can do before you “decide” to be infertile. Hint: have 50% of your friends pregnant and the other 45% trying to conceive so you always have a steady stream of pregnancy announcements.
137. Everything Baby (from My Life in a Nut Shell): Not trying for a bit gives her both the space to breathe as well as a pit of sadness as life continues around her.
138. 10 Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Kids (from Survive and Thrive): An ode to the author’s dogs; she recounts the numerous reasons why they top kids.
139. 21 Guns (from From IF to When): An incredible post taking the song “21 Guns” and using it to explain why the author is so tired of fighting people about the disease rather than fighting the disease itself. It contains this chilling line: “Sticks and stones never hurt my bones. Words did, a little. But taking away my womanhood ruined me.”
140. Tagged with Infertility (from Close Encounters with Fertility Treatment): In the same way that a blog post can be tagged, the author and her husband have been tagged with the term “infertility” and it has changed the way others scan them as well as how they see their own identity.
141. Face Down Ass Up, That’s the Way We Like To… (from Exploring Chaos): Since her IVF cycle failed, the author’s normally mountainous sex drive has tanked and she wonders how to get her mojo back.
142. An Orange, a Grapefruit and an Ass Hat (from Scrambled Eggs): A morphine-laden post depicting life from a hospital bed with OHSS.
143. The Silence of Suffering (from Home Grown Love): The author makes a great point that in olden times, a woman who wasn’t having children after a certain point in marriage would be understood to have a medical issue and people would behave accordingly. Whereas in the modern age, she is subjected to hurtful comments.
144. The Latina Factor (from The Corrocks): In addition to dealing with the common emotional elements of infertility, the author explains how the norms within her culture additionally come into play.
145. Dear Abby: You’re NUTS–Fostering is Not a Solution for Infertility or Adoption (from Creating a Family): A scathing response to Dear Abby’s not-too-informed advice counseling people who can’t afford adoption.
146. Mythbusters: The Glowing Tomato (from Cradles and Graves): What does one do with their leftover syringes? A few creative ways (as well as some mindblowing facts) about how one couple put their syringes to other uses.
147. Musings on Thanksgiving Day (from BIAGO – Baby, If All Goes Optimally): Written during a two week wait, a post imploring ALI bloggers to not feel pregnancy guilt if they’re lucky enough to get two lines.
148. Thank You B. (from Nursing Infertility): A moment where the author’s husband stepped forward and supported her so fully that she knew without a doubt that all would be fine in the future.
149. A Day Like Any Other (from Words Fly Up): The author doesn’t need an anniversary to miss her unborn children; it happens every single day of the year. A moving post about how that love doesn’t change with the calendar.
150. Thanksgiving (from Not Just an Army Wife ): As a fourth holiday season rolls around, the author asks when it’s going to be their turn to give a child a first Thanksgiving or Christmas. A post about finding thankfulness.
151. Interrupted Path (from Infertile In a Fertile Land): The author applies lessons learned from September 11th and her interrupted trip plans to her currently interrupted family building plans.
152. We Started a List of Names (from All I Ever Wished For…): A sad, almost dreamlike post about finding an empty sac after their IVF cycle, the one where they started to dream of baby names and plan for the future.
153. What Not to Say to Someone With an Uncooperative Uterus (from Words and Pictures): An amusing post illustrated in clay figurines of the 12 things you definitely don’t want to say to someone struggling with infertility.
154. One Year (from Love Life Project): The central question — whether the author is a mother despite not having her child alive — is answered by a slip of paper she leaves as a message to a future reader of a pregnancy loss book at a store.
155. Am I Being Selfish? (from Searching for our Silver Lining): Turning the idea of the selfishness of fertility treatments on its head, the author ultimately points out that parenting itself is an act of great selfishness and selflessness at the same time.
156. The Universe is Trying to Break Me, But I Think I’m Already Broken (from For We Are Bound by Symmetry): With the soundtrack of another couple’s child’s heartbeat playing in the background, the author endures the annual exam from hell.
157. Birth Story! 10/6/11 (from A Road Well Traveled): A happy ending to a long journey — the birth of her twins from the water breaking to delivery.
158. Never Is a Promise (from Les Terres Fertiles): Using Fiona Apple’s “Never is a Promise” to discuss infertility, the author grasps onto the idea of not fearing her dreams.
159. You Can’t Rush Grief (from Marriage 2.0): Grief comes in spirals; just one of the many lessons the author learned via her divorce and miscarriage, especially that grief cannot be rushed and is felt on its own timetable.
160. Inside/Outside Box (from Hope Floats Among the Cherry Blossoms): An exercise in designing an outside/inside box gives the author the space to mourn the twins she couldn’t adopt. A post about what deeply affects us despite the fact that we think we’re holding it at bay.
161. A Maternal Moment (from Just Let Go): A fairly gross moment with her dog let’s the author know that she has what it takes to become a mother.
162. Tough Stuff (from Under the Same Sky): A truly heartbreaking and ultimately beautiful post about how the author came to understand and find comfort in a behaviour she once couldn’t comprehend in a patient. A post about the ways in which we cope with loss.
163. Reflecting on 2011 (from The Cornfed Feminist): Trying to finding meaning in the time it is taking her to get pregnant, the author points out that if she had gotten pregnant when they first started doing medicated cycles, she would have never started blogging about infertility and found this community.
164. How We Got Here (from Write, Baby, Repeat): Pregnant after a donor egg cycle, the author busts open the myth that people finally get pregnant after they adopt once her grandfather makes this comment.
165. The Infertility Identity (from What IF? ): The author points out that as much as people lament how little is known about infertility, by not speaking openly about infertility, people contribute to that problem. She encourages people to speaking frankly about their struggles in the same way they would other issues.
166. Music Monday #28 (from Our Life Journey): Jumping off of a song by Matt Hammitt, the author states that regardless of how long her children exist — whether it be for days or many years — she wants them to know how intensely she loves them.
167. The Half Truth (from The Long Way Around): The author finds it easier to admit to their losses than it is to admit to their infertility, and she wonders why she can talk about one but not the other.
168. Identity (from Braving IVF): The author quits her job in order to accommodate IVF, but then discovers that she doesn’t really know what to do with her new-found time nor how to talk about why she is out of work.
169. New Beginnings… (from My Scar Smiles at Me, I Don’t Always Smile Back): The shattering of a necklace brings peace instead of distress as the author relays two stories that have recently given her hope.
170. Scars (from Do Without Doing): The removal of an external scar is the catalyst for the author to consider her internal, emotional scars from infertility.
171. You Gotta Have Faith-a-Faith-a-Faith-ahhhh (from Journey to the Center of the Uterus): Finding peace in her faith, the author explains how she found Jesus and the comfort in knowing that she is part of a larger plan.
172. As Time Elapse…Elapses (from The Maybe Baby(Babies)): On her four year blogoversary, the author recounts going to a Ween concert, and how it’s sometimes better to remember youth than to try to revisit it.
173. When I Grow Up… (from On KK’s Butterfly Wings): Answering that she wanted to be a mother of a living child wouldn’t have occurred to the author in her youth when asked the question of what she wanted to be when she grew up. And she wonders if it would have made a difference to put her foot down and insist that it was what she wanted more than anything.
174. The Other Side (from Hope for the Best): A lovely post as her son turns two months old recounting his birth story but ends with an admittance that even though he is here, the author can still see the beauty in all the other paths out of infertility, including the choice to live childfree.
175. My New Reality (from A Bend in the Road): A visit to a new town and seeing a shrine in the town lays raw all of the emotions the author feels after the death of her daughter.
176. On Being The Non-Bio Mom, Or: A Great Big Bundle of Worry (from Bionic Mamas): A deeply honest post from the non-bio mother about how she felt about the idea of parenting before they conceived their son, during the pregnancy, and after he arrived and she held him.
177. Shhhhhh . . . Creeping In . . . (from A Fifth Season): The author comes back to her blog to write out her visit to her daughter’s grave because other than Grief itself, no one else asks or listens to where she had been all day.
178. Too Much (from One Who Understands): The author’s friend thinks she understands infertility based on the movie The Backup Plan, and the author is upset when her friend comments that if she had to do an IUI, she probably wouldn’t have tried for her six children.
179. Feeling Left Behind (from No Kidding in NZ): A fantastic post reframing living childfree after infertility, showing the reality of the option, which is that it is a path that runs parallel and not behind other paths out of infertility. A post about no longer feeling left behind but instead walking alongside.
180. Comment Whore Shipwrecked on a Desert Island (from Happy – Go – Lucky): Like many who have been blogging for a long time, the author considers how life has changed for most of the people on her blogroll, and how that has also changed the amount of time people blog and comment. A post both lamenting and acknowledging this new place in the blogging.
181. Wagon Ride (from Miss Inconceivability): A red wagon is both the tangible reminder and receptacle to the author’s dream of having two children.
182. Threads (from Knocked up by Another Man): A lovely post about defining the role the author’s egg donor (and her family) play in the life of her son.
183. Retrospective (from Mina’s Musings): Using your blog as a measurement for how far you’ve come; for proof that things will not always be as they are, in both the good and bad sense of that idea.
184. Seventeen (from Now As I Lay Me Down to Sleep…): A warning: you will most likely cry reading this post about doubting second love and then finding it to be special, and how that idea gives her hope as she mourns her son.
185. I Never Knew (from Life As I Know It): The birth of her third child gives the author insight into how much she didn’t know from the premature birth of her twins, and this insight translates into a sense of loss over what she didn’t get to experience the first time around.
186. Dum Spiro Spero (While I Breathe, I Hope) (from Hope Delayed): An exploration of the deep-seeded hope that is as much a life-giving force as her own breaths. And like oxygen, she can’t truly live without it.
187. Between the Paper Sheets (from Between the Paper Sheets): The first post of her blog when the author realized that she needed to write about her journey, and what the paper sheets referred to in the title mean to her.
188. Getting Over My Fear of the Internet Shut-Up (from Family Building with a Twist): A fear of being told to be quiet or not being read at all keeps the author from freely writing what she wants to write, and she comes to a place of peace by the end of the post, deciding to own to her space.
189. Uhm, is this Thing Still on? (from Baby Wanted: Apply Within): A check in post that explores the idea that her life is not where she thought it would be when she first started her blog five years earlier, and how she wants to be cycling soon as it feels like time is running out.
190. Right Where I Am: 1 Year, 1 Month (from My Sweet Kenny): With too much on her plate in terms of loss and infertility, the author states exactly where she is with her grief, a raw venting as she processes what has happened, where she is now.
191. Thirteen Things They Don’t Tell You (from Journeywoman): 13 things the author could have never predicted about how it feels to have your parents get sick.
192. The Weekend Was Not a Total Loss (from KatyStuff): An average sick day at home in the life of a mother of two.
193. Child Care IS NOT Birth Control (from Desire to Mother): The author explains that while people joke that her job with children should be like birth control, every baby just makes her want to parent even more.
194. My Experience with Pregnancy After Stillbirth So Far (from Expectations Revised): A post that is just as much for the author as it is for all the women who need it who come after her; a post about being pregnant again after her first child was born still.
195. Did I Get the Call? (from Recipe for a Family): The author asks the reader to “Imagine if we had no idea how long each pregnancy would be.” A post about the wait during adoption, and how the light on the answering machine captivated her for 19 months.
196. Meet the Rasmussen’s! (from Barren to Bonkers!): The first post of her blog explaining how every moment is now potential blog fodder in her family’s busy life.
197. How it All Began … (from Being Joyful Always): A bittersweet post, especially in light of the fact that the adoption is not taking place, about how hopeful she felt when it seemed as if everything was sailing smoothly.
198. How Did I End Up In This Crazy Place? (from Finding My New Normal): On the eve of leaving for the United States to have her FET, the author reflects on how she thought she’d get pregnant vs. how it is actually happening.
199. One Year and Beyond (from Always Plus One): The author dreads the upcoming one year anniversary of her son’s death; not because the day will be any more painful emotionally than any other day, but because she doesn’t want to be out of that time period when she last had her son.
200. We’re Famous (from Two Hot Mamas): A post explaining what worked for the author and her wife in terms of feeding their child, with the emphasis being a balance of what is best for the child, best for the bio mother, and best for the non-bio mother, honouring all three factors.
201. The Story (from Adoption Adventures and More): An incredibly story of how the author came together with her son via adoption.
202. I Wish Someone Had Told Me This (from Our New Plan A): Sage advice from an IVF veteran about the difference between quitting and knowing when you have had enough and need to choose a different route.
203. Eggs (from I’m Polycystitc Inside): Thoughts stemming from a trip to the RE, the author exclaims that we were all just egg cells sitting in someone’s ovaries and the mindblowing idea that we all develop into these unique human beings.
204. It Must Be January 21st! (from Waiting, Wishing, Hoping): Talking about the need for a reboot as she needs every year in regards to her New Year’s resolutions, she relays the story of a friend and how she let the author down, but it’s time to move on and forgive even if she doesn’t really understand.
205. Why She Drinks (from Bloodsigns): An incredibly powerful post unfolding the story of why her mother drinks, which really becomes a tale about how we love, and how we sometimes need to hold the world a bit at arm’s length.
206. The Dark Place (from The Elusive Second Line): A deeply honest post about owning her depression and stating her deepest, darkest thoughts.
207. Unsuccessful (from Kate; Uncensored): Busting the myth that IVF is an iron-clad solution; that it always works. The author explains how they did IVF three times, and how it didn’t work for her.
208. Are You Infertile? The New York Times Thinks You Are Rich and Whimsical (from Too Many Fish To Fry): A rebel yell to mainstream media to cover infertility fairly and honestly so that the general public can better understand the disease. The author looks at the types of stories the New York Times has posted recently and berates them for pushing an agenda rather than reporting objectively.
209. A Little History (from The Brooding Woman): The author relays the story of two of her sibling’s neonatal deaths and her mother’s two second-trimester losses, holding them up as a fact of wonder, how her parents got through it without being broken.
210. 7/8/2011 (from My Life with Endo & Infertility): A very honest and informative post on how endometriosis has manifested itself for the author.
211. Why Ask For Help? (from In Due Time): A raw, heartbreaking post asking what is the point in asking for help when nothing can undo what has already been lost.
212. All Grown Up (from Geebaby): In the wake of numerous Facebook status updates about parenthood that sting, the author asks herself: “do I think being an ‘adult’ is a requirement to parent, or do I think being a ‘parent’ is the ticket into adulthood?”
213. Reflections on Pregnancy and Loss (from Mission: Motherhood): A Jodi Picoult book brings to the surface all the fears the author felt while pregnant, and how relieved she is that all went well in the end.
214. Hypocrisy and Choice (from My Preconceived Notion): Responding to the New York Times article on twin reduction, the author implores readers to not judge women who reduce twin pregnancies.
215. The First Time (from It Goes On): A heartbreaking post about the author’s first and second miscarriage, about how she came to guard her heart.
216. HELP! My Biological Alarm Clock is Sounding, and My Snooze Button is Broken! (from Riding the IF (Infertility) Crazy Train): The author laments that while the snooze button has worked at other points in her life, it seems to be broken when it comes to her biological clock.
217. What I Would Like Fertiles (And the World At Large) to Know. . . Part 1 (from The Stork Diaries): 10 facts about infertility the author would love the general public to know about our struggle.
218. Quite the Baby-ful Weekend (from The Future Fords): A beautiful post explaining how she can be happy for her friends and sad for herself at the very same time as new babies come into the world.
219. Waiting for Winter (from Forever a Family): Another warning: you will cry reading this. A gorgeous post about saying goodbye to her son who is dying as he grows; a long, slow goodbye as — like the seasons — he goes from the autumn to the winter of his brief life. She writes, “When the call ended, I gasped and began sobbing. I wasn’t shocked. I knew this was coming, but nothing prepares you for the moment you truly realize your baby is dying.”
220. You’re Pregnant, I Hate You (from The Empty Uterus): A very honest reaction to how the author feels when she hears that someone is pregnant, even when that someone is a best friend.
221. The Feeling of Happiness (from Trying to Calm): Finding happiness after the storm of many years of trying to conceive.
222. The First Time I Told Someone (from Roccie Road): The author finds happiness with each retelling of her donor egg story, realizing it isn’t something to hide but simply the unique way her son came into her family.
223. Et tu, Muppets? (from Will CarryOn): With the most perfect line summing up her experience of watching the Muppet movie: “I hadn’t expected something that made me so happy as a child (and yes, as an adult) to make me so sad for not having the children to share it with.”
224. I Feel Broken (from The In Between): A friend drops the news of her pregnancy into the middle of dinner, and the author needs to get through the rest of the meal, listening to pregnancy talk while she’s dying inside.
225. In-Vitro Fertilization and The Emotions (from Toddlers and Test Tubes): While keeping in mind that no one can truly know what another person is feeling, even if they’ve been through the exact same experience, the author reflects on a woman who came into her life and how that person gave her comfort at the moment she needed it.
226. The Landlord Called… Rent Is Due (from Two In The Mud): After lamenting the costs inherent in family building with infertility, the author talks about a fee that few fertile women think about — the embryo storage fee — and how to even list something like that on her budget.
227. Identity (from I Can’t Whistle): A gorgeous post about what she isn’t blogging about now that her child is here, even though she still has so much she needs to say.
228. Birth Mothers (from Life in the Last Frontier): A post empathizing with birth mothers and the impossibly hard work they do in creating a birth plan for their child.
229. Lots of Tears, a Latte, and a Blueberry Scone (from Baby-Making Merry-go-Round): A recount of the time she broke down and cried in the doctor’s office after a very frustrating experience of trying to get answers to her questions, all on the day she should have been having her 8 week sonogram.
230. Depression After Miscarriage (from Bohemian Transplant): After going through a miscarriage on her own, the author compiles a list of advice to help anyone who is experiencing depression after a loss.
231. Baby Blues (from She’s One in Amelian): A powerful post about working through that sense of denial and disbelief that comes with an infertility diagnosis.
232. Do You Have Children? (from Justin and Jessica): Every time the author is asked the question of whether she has children, she doesn’t know how to address it in a way that neatly packages the enormity of the answer.
233. Charlotte Mabel (from Getting It Sorted): A gorgeous post detailing the personality of a daughter who was gone too soon.
234. Discarded Dreams (from Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here): An emotional post about getting rid of the last of the IVF drugs, a moment that marks a true end for the author.
235. The Birth Story of Jackson Carter (from Miracle in the Making): The perfect description of birth — “I saw my whole heart get lifted onto my belly” — as a mother holds her son for the first time.
236. The Bug: It Bit (from The Unfair Struggle): As her husband is wheeled away for surgery, the author has a moment of clarity in their infertility journey.
237. I am the Mom! (from Donor Diva: Mother via Egg Donation): Musings on the terms gamete donor and biological mother, wondering how the donation of the gametes translates into a type of parenthood.
238. What’s Up with the Parentheses? (from (In)Fertility Unexplained): An explanation for why the author places parentheses around the prefex of infertility, and why words matter.
239. That’s What Infertility Does To You (from Expecting Miracles): A mother via adoption finds herself thinking about pregnancy tests and talks about the complicated thoughts she has about the idea of pregnancy in that current moment.
240. A Momma Kangaroo (from Our Little Tongginator): An update detailing the author’s new status as a kangaroo after meeting her new daughter in China and holding her non-stop in her carrier. A post about transitions great and small.
241. Made a Fool of Myself in Public (from The Childless Mom): On a difficult day, when the author was set to solo at the church, the pastor makes an announcement about his own impending grandfatherhood, and she dives into the deep grief she feels after a negative.
242. Hatched (from It is What it is (or is it?)): An incredibly important post, through the eyes of an adoptee, discussing the importance of how knowing how you came into the world because that story can have a ripple effect.
243. Christmas Post (from Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration): What a difference a year makes. The author recounts Christmases past while looking at her Christmas present which includes her child.
244. The Power of Definitions (from Two’s Company. Three’s a Family): Pointing out the narrowness of definitions, the author expands the idea of motherhood and infertility, making these words more encompassing.
245. T Is For… (from Adventures in Infertility-land): Bravely discussing the “T” word, the author explains how uncomfortable she feels using the word termination on her blog, even though she knows it would be helpful for people who find her posts and have gone through a similar experience of needing to terminate a pregnancy when the child will not survive outside the womb.
246. Isolated… but Not Truly Alone (from My Cheap Version of Therapy): A truthful post about the author’s experience being pregnant after infertility and all the difficult facets that come from having the experience be similar yet completely different from how it would have been if she had conceived on her own timetable.
247. A Public Service Announcement (from By the Brooke): The rarity of that 1% stillbirth statistic doesn’t really matter when it happens to you, bringing you into that small group that needs the understanding and empathy of the 99%; to make it not a shameful secret but a reality of life.
248. Everything You Can Imagine is Real (from Lovely Transitions): When positive thinking doesn’t come to fruition, the author voices her frustration with the idea that “everything you can imagine is real.”
249. No Love Lost (from These Rotten Eggs – An Infertility Journey): An open note to 2011, saying good riddance to a year that has broken the author.
250. Whirlwind (from Got Love, Been Married, Where the Hell’s the Baby Carriage?): A moving post about the birth and adoption of her son, Isaac, which happened at a whirlwind pace.
251. 18 Months of Change (from Waves Over Stones): Reflections a year and a half after the death of the author’s son as she takes stock in what has changed, what is still the same.
252. I Think It’s Only Fair You Know About the Dark Days Too (Part 2) (from I Don’t Ever Want to Forget): A father tells his child the story of what else was happening in their lives (and the world) as they tried to build their family.
253. How Do You Define a Friend? (from The 123 Blog): A post celebrating friendships began online, and holding dear the friends the author has met through her blog.
254. So You’re Pregnant and Your Friends Aren’t… Now What? (from Project Open Hearts): Very helpful advice on how to announce your pregnancy while keeping in mind friends and family who may be experiencing infertility or loss.
255. Infertility Is… (from Living Our Life In Cycles): A frank and moving account of what infertility is, giving outsiders a peek into the emotional and physical landscape.
256. Deeper Still (from Hope In Bloom): An exploration of the author’s faith, even in the face of loss.
257. Signs (from What Will Happen Today): A grieving mother looks for signs from her daughter, Ireland, after her loss.
258. Zombie Fetus Watch 2011 (from Dead Cow Girl: Dominatrix Mommy Blogger): A live blog, hour by hour, of a miscarriage, and in its terribleness is also such a helpful resource for every woman who comes after the author who experiences the same thing.
259. Just In Case You Thought I Was Normal… (from Beyond the Brick Wall): The author reads to her womb without knowing whether an embryo is in her uterus or has even implanted; a moment of parenting and care that is the first story amongst a lifetime of stories.
260. The Social Science of Science (from The Guild of Knitting Kninjas): A thought-provoking post on the duality of reactions people bring to the idea of technology and advancements, especially in the field of medicine.
261. Transfer Day (from Hubbub): A recount of the transfer day that resulted in the author’s daughter (who will hopefully know the special role lavendar soap played in her conception).
262. Just Be Glad You Don’t Live In My Head (from MotherNatureSchmature): Chuckling over the memory of what she thought baby making was going to be like, the author recounts a dream she had about her FET
263. Choosing (from This Was Supposed To Be My Symphony): The author notices that life hands everyone crap, and yet people are happy anyway. And in noticing this, she chooses joy over wrapping herself in sorrow.
264. Positive Thinking and IVF (from Buck Up, Buttercup): The author points out the dark side of coaching someone that they can control their health with positive thinking and the self-blame that can come out of the message.
265. 2 Upsetting Issues & Counting (from Love, Loss & Life): A rallying cry of support for a fellow babylost family, the Duggars, in which the author explains just how hurtful the media coverage is for other parents who have lost their child.
266. Happy 1st Birthday Addie B! (from Addison’s Wings: My Journey to Live Again After a Broken Heart): I cried reading the author’s quiet chant: “Together, we created her, together we said goodbye to her, together we love her, together we miss her and together we celebrated her.” A birthday post for a daughter who is no longer here.
267. To Lose a First Pregnancy (from Dwelling on Dream): The author doesn’t need her journal because the events of the day that she lost her baby are seared into her brain.
268. Support (from The Road Less Traveled): For the first time in her life, the author needs to call on the emotional support of others, and she learns that it isn’t quite so simple. That there are the people who she thought she could count on that don’t come through, and the ones that she never thought would be there and yet are.
269. C & B: Love & Seasons (from Little Bird ): A moving post about transitioning from the season of mourning to the season of gentleness, where her heart knows that it can love her son without ever forgetting her daughter.
270. Unexpected Help, Unlikely Alliances, and Other Unexpected Surprises on the Journey of Infertility (from The Infertility Therapist): A fabulous post about her husband’s uncle who made all the difference in her world in the days after they adopted their first child in India.
271. Hesitating and Wasting Time (from Relaxed No More): Recounting the beginning of her relationship with her now-husband, the author moves from not knowing if she wants to be a parent to trying to conceive.
272. Kick at the Darkness (from Sprout): A very powerful post about coming through an extreme depression, from the brink of losing her life, and stepping back into living due to a vision of her daughter who may one day come to be.
273. Brinley’s Month (from Brinley Love): The calendar has returned to August, the month in which her daughter died, and she and others keep finding dimes, small messages from her daughter.
274. A Day Just Like This (from The Broken Road): A post no parent should ever have to write: a mother and father return to the cemetery to purchase the headstone for their daughter’s grave.
275. Ghost Child (from Tuesday’s Hope): Three years after the death of her daughter, the author talks about that ghostly presence of someone who should be here as well as the idea that life continues on.
276. A Sample Of My Thoughts (from Life’s Little Reflections): The anxiety inherent in a pregnancy that comes after infertility and loss.
277. The list is finished for this year.

Blogs that Closed in 2011**

We’re so sorry to see these blogs missing from the blogosphere. Every piece of writing changes a person’s perspective of their own journey. The world was changed by their words.

Two Moms Are Better Than One

That Was the Plan

Wishing & Hoping & Thinking & Praying & Planning & Dreaming

Our Family Beginnings

If you have a blog to add to the list that closed in 2011, please email me.

Past Creme de la Creme Lists

Like what you read?  Peruse an old Creme de la Creme list from the past

• The Creme de la Creme of 2010
• The Creme de la Creme of 2009
• The Creme de la Creme of 2008
• The Creme de la Creme of 2007
• The Creme de la Creme of 2006

*I aim for inclusivity, therefore, if you think you belong on this list, you probably do. From the newly-diagnosed to the treatment vets, from those still filling out paperwork to those with completed adoptions, from those who are trying to choose a donor and those parenting DI or DE kids; those who are completely confused on what to do and those who are peacefully–or not peacefully–living child-free. Biological infertility or situational infertility, being a single parent by choice, straight or gay, young or old — this list is about difficulties while family building, pure and simple.