I was talking with Josh, trying to determine my alone line: the boundary that separates you from a desired activity if you have to do it alone.  In other words, things you do for pleasure since most people don’t really have an alone line when it comes to work events.

Some people have a really big green “go” zone before they get to their line, and only a little sliver of the red “no” zone on the other side.  Other people have a tiny green zone and enormous red zone.  Evenly split, all green, all red — the line is always personal.  And I think people often over- or underestimate where their line exists.

For me: all restaurants are in the green zone.  I like eating alone.  So every eating establishment, even date-y restaurants, are a go.  Going to the movies or theater is also in the green zone.  Any show, any theater, I’m good with going to both alone.  But not concerts.  Concerts are mostly in the red zone.  I would need to be desperate to see the act, and I am never desperate to see any act.  So concerts are over the line.  I’d go to a concert with someone, but I’d never go alone.  Same with sporting events.

Coffee houses are green.  Bars are red.  It’s not that I wouldn’t go to a bar by myself, but it’s over in the red zone, so I’m more likely to give up on the idea of going if I have to go alone.  Maybe if I was on a work trip… but even then… I’d rather spend time in the hotel room by myself than go sit in a bar.

Travel not for work.  I mean, clearly, sometimes I have to travel alone for work, but would I take a vacation by myself?  To the local beaches, yes.  To beaches farther than a three-hour drive… probably not?  To cities I know, yes.  To cities I don’t know… probably not?  Once upon a time, I went to foreign countries and traveled around by myself.  Now, I don’t think I would do that anymore.

That’s where I petered out in coming up with activities to place on one side or the other side of the alone line.  What else am I forgetting?  And where is your alone line?

I am on the final book in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy.  Reading the first page was like getting into my pyjamas at the end of the day.  (Who am I kidding?  I’m always in my pyjamas.  If I have a day with zero video calls, you can bet that I am in a hoodie and clashing sweatpants.  But pretend that I spend my whole day dressed up and finally get to undo my bra at 8 pm.)

It’s just delicious, mindless fun.  I missed all the characters.

Anyway, I was moved to start it because there was an article about Singapore in the LA Times, which made me think about how I never finished the trilogy… I guess that thought-route wasn’t that interesting.

But the article is about the idea of kiasu, or the fear of losing out.  My only issue with the article is that the writer references FOMO, which immediately made me confused because none of the examples given had anything to do with FOMO.  The only thing similar (that I could see) between kiasu and FOMO is the word “fear.”  But while FOMO is a sense of not being included, kiasu is about not doing enough and therefore missing out.  Sort of like this.  But more the sense that you should have spoken up, and now it’s too late, or you should have grabbed something, and now it’s gone.  It’s a fear that you’ll have regrets because you didn’t do something you should have done in the moment.  It’s being able to say you did everything in your power to make something happen, leaving nothing to chance.

And the book, of course, is about kiasu, though the word has yet to come up in the text.  The grandmother is dying; the mother wants Nick to return to Singapore to say goodbye on the off-chance that seeing him puts him back into her will.  So kiasu about possibly losing out on an inheritance.  For her son, there is a sense of kiasu that if he doesn’t return to connect with his grandmother, she’ll die with them estranged and he loves her deeply.  The article made me remember that I needed to complete the series, but then article gave me deeper insights about what’s motivating all the characters.

I connect deeply with this idea of kiasu.  I am someone who worries a lot about having regrets and therefore probably goes overboard trying to control a situation so I don’t have regrets.  I guess I’m curious to see how the end of the book unfolds, and how everyone deals with their fears.  Maybe I’ll learn a little lesson about life in this totally wonderful (and only pretend vapid) series.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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I read a little nugget of advice that I like and hate in equal measure.  On the plus side, it’s a really easy way to get yourself motivated.  On the minus side, it brings up all my feelings over the idea of “just one more bite.”

(No, not just one more bite.  When you’re full, you’re full.)

So the idea is that when you’re stuck or dragging, you tell yourself that you’re just going to do five more of something or spend five more minutes.  For instance, I’ll just answer five more emails.  Or I’ll work on this for five more minutes.  The idea being that we can usually handle five more of something and continuing can sometimes get us over the “don’t wanna” hump:

Don’t feel like exercising? Do five downward facing dogs. Can’t bring yourself to clean out the whole fridge? Clear out five items. Taunted by that giant unopened novel that’s been sitting on your nightstand? Read just five pages. You’re giving yourself a jump-start—and once you get going, you likely won’t stop.

What do you think?

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Josh and I watched the Tig Notaro movie on Netflix.  It’s a documentary that covers a little more than the year between her groundbreaking set at the Largo and the anniversary set she performed at the Largo a year later.  This is the trailer:

So the “one shot” she refers to in that trailer is making a baby using her genetic material.  To give context on the weight of those words: she was looking into building a family, she lost her mother very suddenly, she was diagnosed with cancer (putting her family building dreams on hold), she was told — fairly cruelly in the film — that she shouldn’t attempt to have a child because it could cause the cancer to return, and she decided to attempt IVF with a surrogate one time.

So the “one shot” she refers to in the trailer isn’t actually one shot at living or a “carpe diem” message about doing what you love and being with whom you love.  It’s literally her one shot — out of the nine embryos, only one survived the thaw.  There wouldn’t be a follow-up cycle.

She films the whole process, from meeting the surrogate to going injections to harvesting her eggs to the countless updates from RE on the embryos.  But the part that I found so gutting to watch — without knowing the outcome — was the period between transferring the embryo to the surrogate and waiting for the first beta results.

She’s a comedian and she jokes about everything — from removing her breasts to relationships — but there is so much earnest hope and love on her face when she talks about this embryo.  There is a moment when they are performing the transfer and she talks to her embryo — whom she has named Jack Notaro — and she leans forward, almost as if she is trying to pretend she is alone, speaking to her child, despite a room full of people.  There is just so much love in her voice as she tunes them out for a moment to tell him to stick around.

And then, when she is waiting on the sofa with her girlfriend, waiting for the call about the beta, she again speaks about parenthood with so much hope in her voice, explaining how this embryo is her last tie to her mother; that last chance to pass along her mother’s genes to her child.

We watched the documentary because she’s a really funny woman, but the moments I connected with the most and found the most moving were the ones where she was expressing this hopeful love for someone who barely exists; a cluster of cells.  It — to me — was proof of the power of love.  Of how much we can love another person before they’re even here.

So I cried through that part from transfer to beta, just like I’m crying now, writing this.  Because it is beautiful and so hard to witness that level of hope.

Not going to write the outcome of the beta, so let me know in a comment that you want to know before you watch and I’ll email the answer to you.

A long time ago, back when we walked uphill to school both ways in the snow, there were a handful of television stations.  We got NBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, Fox, and channel 20, which was… who knows what.  (No one actually watched channel 20.)  That was it.  If you wanted to watch television, you watched one of those five main stations.

So you always knew when a big event was coming because they would have weeks of commercials ahead of time.  Like Circus of the Stars.  Remember that?  Where all of your favourite television stars would inexplicably do televised circus acts for one night?  You could watch Punky Brewster fly through the air on the trapeze or Mr. T ride a unicycle.  Or Battle of the Network Stars.  Remember that?  Where all of your favourite television stars would inexplicably do televised tug-of-war games for one night?

Anyway, the problem with streaming services and too many cable stations is that it’s very easy to miss big televised events.  We haven’t turned on Fox in… oh… maybe 30 years, so I would have completely missed the fact that they are doing a live version of Rent this Sunday if Josh hadn’t stumbled across the information.  Whether or not we need another recorded version of Rent is beside the point.

That’s what I’ll be doing if I manage to remember this fact for two more days.  Which isn’t a given unless I write it down because I will see zero commercials for it between now and then.  I miss the old days when there was nothing to watch.

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Stop procrastinating.  Go make your backups.  Don’t have regrets.

Seriously.  Stop what you’re doing for a moment.  It will take you fifteen minutes, tops.  But you will have peace of mind for days and days.  It’s the gift to yourself that keeps on giving.

As always, add any new thoughts to the Friday Backup post and peruse new comments in order to find out about methods, plug-ins, and devices that help you quickly back up your data and accounts.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “The End of Reading as We Knew It” (Lavender Luz)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Risakerslake writes about reassuring herself that she’ll be okay.  She explains, “I know I have two embryos who look great. I know I’m having a newish test that can help up my chances of having another baby, but I still feel like I’m here all over again wondering if it’s going to happen for me. I got really lucky once—will I get another shot?”  It is, like she says, one day at a time.  And that is all you can do when you don’t know the future.

Much Ado About Nothing removed the crib from their room and is thinking about the empty space.  The crib hadn’t been used since last summer; it was time to reclaim that area of their room.  But she admits, “I came home to that empty space and it took my breath away, I think my heart stopped beating for a moment before it resumed aching in my chest.”  It is so hard to look into a space that you wish was filled.

Lastly, Life Without Baby has started a discussion on when people knew it was time to stop pursuing parenthood.  Sometimes there is a clear stopping point.  Other times, you need to create the stopping point.  The post is interesting, but the comments are great, too.

The roundup to the Roundup: Rent is on television on Sunday.  Your weekly backup nudge.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between January 18th and 25th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.