Not just in my house as my kids sleep. But on the board as well. What could this mean? That the rain has put people in a read-only mood? That no one (gasp) has stories about positive advice/words/actions that helped them through the process? I know we’ve gotten many hits today, but no comments. Therefore, a renewed plea for stories.

All of my best comments come from insiders. My mother went through infertility (11 years to have three children). She was a great resource not only for information but for support as well. I had friends who were going through treatments at the same time. My best friend, who is the godmother of my children, is not infertile, but she was an amazing support (ha! So here is an example of someone outside the experience). Unfortunately, while I can come up with many good stories about how she was supportive during the actual pregnancy, I can’t come up with a specific from the infertility years. Perhaps I’m having a touch of memory suppression…

But my other good story of support comes from someone who has their feet in both worlds–my RE. For all I know, he became an RE because he went through infertility. I don’t really know anything about his personal life except that he has a daughter who went to my high school. But for the sake of this story, we’ll go with the assumption that he never went through IF. But he works in that world so he isn’t completely an outsider. Then again, I know plenty of people who did not have the warm and fuzzy experience we had at our RE’s office. Wish everyone could live in our area.

Anyway, while we had a nurse assigned to our case who delivered test results and answered questions, often he would call us as well to further explain something. There were many days when he told me, “it’s okay to be disappointed. But it’s not okay to be discouraged.” He called us the day before the IUI when we conceived and left us a message saying that he just felt in his bones that it would be our turn this month (he later said that if he truly thought his words had worked some type of magic, he would spend his entire day phoning infertile women).

But our best story about our RE came when I was driving home one day from work. He had called my cell phone and was going over some test results (this was back in the days when we drove and spoke on cell phones at the same time). He told me that everything looked so good that he wanted to do an IUI instead of timed-intercourse. I was so embarrassed, but I had to admit to him that we needed another month to pull the money together since we didn’t think we’d be doing IUI that month. There was a pause and then he told me that the clinic would take on the cost of the IUI because he felt so strongly that we had a good chance to conceive and he didn’t want to let it pass. Which was just about the most thoughtful thing anyone did for us during our treatments. We didn’t conceive that month (and the RE joked that at least it was free), but it gave us the hope to keep trying since we knew someone else out there cared if we got pregnant and had our back. Sort of the same idea as a coach. It’s not that you can’t be a baseball player without one, but they help you to keep focused and give you strength when you begin to doubt yourself. Thank you, Dr. RE.

I still get choked up when I drive by that RE’s building.

Okay, so now that we’ve spilled, it’s your turn. Send in your stories. The kind words that were said to you. The coworker who bought you a latte because she could see that you had been crying after a BFN. The friend who said just the right thing. Or the therapist or RE who proverbally held your hand and gave you the strength you needed to remain focused on the goal.

Come on, I know these stories are out there.

What was the best advice you received on your IF journey? Kindest thing someone has done for you that made a difference (either given you the energy to continue or made you feel like you were not alone). Or…gulp…if you don’t have stories to tell…let us know that as well.

The ideal answer to this question (for our book’s purposes) would have the advice coming from someone who is not a Stirrup Queen or Sperm Palace Jester. In other words, a non-infertile. But I think it would also be telling if many people had their words/actions coming from an insider. It would then beg the question–is it possible for people to bridge the chasm and know the right thing to say?

I’m going to wait until later in the day to answer this question myself.

What’s the stupidest thing someone has said to you in regards to infertility?

Our favourite:
After getting through a half-hour lip-quivering conversation about my infertility, a friend shnuzzled her child’s face against her cheek while she told me that she hoped we’d get through this ordeal and one day get to experience the wonders of motherhood. She then preceeded to tell me all of the joys she was experiencing to entice me to keep trying to conceive. We haven’t had coffee since…

In other words, tell us the most hurtful times, the most ridiculous comments, the worst advice that flew in the face of everything you knew to be true (e.g. “just relax!”). The more specific the better. Give us the bloody, gory details of that heart-ripping moment. No story considered “too long.”

The sidebar was getting a little cluttered, so I moved a bunch of images and links onto the this post to cleanup the sidebar but still keep these posts accessible.

The Stirrup Queen’s Public Living Room

Just Your Average Public Living Room

WISHES

Need a Wish?

The Wishing Stone Challenge

Tale of the Little Wishing Stone

Team On the Road (2008)

Why You Should Donate to Team On the Road (and join the team yourself)

Team On the Road: Stirrup Queens, My Perky Ovaries, and In Search of Biscuit 2.0 (so far)

Money Raised: $3398
The 2007 Creme de la Creme

Last Updated: 2/17/08 10:25 a.m.

The Virtual Lushary: An Online Bar Where Everybody Knows Your Name

History of the Virtual Bar

Past Drinkfests at the Virtual Lushary and Cocktail Recipes

The Old Missing Pieces

I know that writing this after blogging for a year and a half and then backdating it is a little strange. I should have written all of this ages ago. But right now seemed like a good time to yank a single post together that contains relevant information that you might like to know.

• My name is Melissa. I usually sign everything Mel so people get confused and sometimes call me Melanie, which is an honest mistake. But my name is actually Melissa.
• I used to blog under the name The Town Criers. I still use it sometimes. When this blog turned two-years-old, I chose the name Lollipop Goldstein. You can read the whole story here.
• My husband’s name is Josh.
• We have twins that I call the ChickieNob and Wolvog on the blog. They were conceived via fertility treatments, namely an IUI with injectables cycle. We are currently doing treatments again to conceive a third child, though we’re taking a break for a bit.
• I think the post that best gives you a sense of the history of this blog as well as what is important to me is this one.
• I live my life by Gandhi’s adage: “you must be the change you wish to see in the world.” I also live my life by the Beatles quote: “in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” I love a good quote. I also firmly believe that everyone is welcome here and anyone in need of support will receive it here. The reason why can probably be found in this post.
• I have a book forthcoming from Seal Press in spring of 2009. It’s about infertility and pregnancy loss. It’s called Navigating the Land of If. Click here to go to the book’s website.
• I love talking about publishing and writing with other writers so feel free to write me with questions or comments (more on my email in a moment).
• I love reviewing books. I really only review books that are about or tangentially related to infertility, pregnancy loss, or adoption. Sometimes I’ll also review books about prematurity and twins. And when I say tangentially, if it’s a work of fiction and infertility is a background plot device, I’ll read it and review it. If your book is not even remotely related, I’m not a great site for you anyways because I pretty much only blog about infertility, pregnancy loss, and the like. I also run an online book club with over 100 members and 20-30 participate for each book. We’re all happy to be introduced to new books but because we vote on what we’re reading far in advance, there may be a wait to get to your book. So…to sum up…if you are an author or a publicist, I’d love to help you out and read your book and if I don’t have time in my schedule at the moment, I’ll let you know when you email me and call me Melissa, not Melanie. The only thing I ask of you when asking bloggers for reviews is to spend a little time on my blog (or on any of the other blogs associated with the book club) and get to know the space. After all, we’ll be spending hours with your book; you should know who is reviewing it before you ask.
• If you just learned about the online book club for the first time and you want to join, you can always jump to the current book that we’re reading via the link on my right sidebar. We’re called the Barren Bitches Book Brigade and we’re open to anyone in the infertility/pregnancy loss/adoption community (past or present).
• My email address is thetowncriers@gmail.com. I’m usually pretty good about writing back within a day or two so if you don’t hear from me after a week or so, send another email. Truly, I never ignore emails unless they’re off-topic and spam-like. I’ve also been described as “pretty nice” and I think that refers to the fact that people can feel comfortable writing me even if they haven’t been a long-time blog reader or regular commentor (if anyone wants to chime in with a testimonial about my emailing skills, feel free in the comments section).
• On the topic of emails that are off-topic or spam-like, as of 4/22/09, I am not responding to emails asking for me to hawk a product or link to an off-topic site or anything that essentially amounts to free advertising for a product or organization (the exception being non-profits, on-topic books, or documentary films). I just get too many of them and while it feels rude to ignore an email, it also feels rude to have someone use your good nature and email inbox. So, just making the blanket statement here: the answer is “no.” If you wish to purchase an ad on the site and put actual money into the ALI community and UTERUS, you can follow the directions from that link.
• I love receiving comments; who doesn’t like feedback? Many of my posts are salon-like in nature and invite answers or commentary. I’m all for disagreement, as long as it’s polite. I will remove any comments that I deem off-topic, rude, or mean-spirited. If you return to my blog and see your comment gone (really, why are you coming back to check on your comment?), that should probably be your clue that I thought your comment was off-topic, rude, or mean-spirited. Rather than write another comment that is off-topic, rude, or mean-spirited that I will also remove, please simply click away from my blog. This space is not for everyone even though I try to be as inclusive as possible. Maybe my writing style grates on you or maybe you have a problem with type-os, of which there are probably many. And that’s fine. I have a huge blogroll, so if you’re looking for other IF/pg loss/adoption blogs, there are many to choose from on the list. On the other hand, if you do like it here, please stick around and keep reading. And leave a comment from time to time.
• If you want to be on the blogroll and you have a blog that fits in any of the categories on the blogroll, send it my way and I’ll add it. It speeds things along if you pick your category for me or write me a little bit about yourself so I can choose a category for you. People can only appear in one category–sorry, the limits of the blogroll service.
• I also run the Lost and Found and Connections Abound, which is a daily newsletter summarizing life in the IF/pg loss/adoption community. If you haven’t seen it yet, click over and check it out. If you need support or have an announcement, send it my way. If you’re reading other blogs and you see news that is Lost and Found-worthy, send it my way too. When I put up a new post on the Lost and Found, I change the link on the post of this blog which is labeled “The Daily News.”
• I also write a weekly column for BlogHer. It comes out on Thursdays. And I do freelance work from time to time. As a freelance writer, the answer is “yes, I’d like to write for you” if yo
  u are a publisher looking at my site. Just in case you were wondering.
• I am also a kosher vegetarian. And I bake all of my own bread. And usually ask others all of my technical questions when it comes to blogging. And I’m a great multi-tasker (just in case you were going to ask me how I get everything done).
• Sometimes I refer to my siblings as Hansel and Gretel on this blog.
• And I guess I’ll keep adding to this page, which I’ve backdated so I can find it easily, as time goes on and new information pops up and should be added or changed.

Thanks for reading all of this. Anything that wasn’t covered, you can ask me via email. Happy reading: I hope you find this blog helpful and comforting. Or funny and enlightening. Either, or or all.