Where are all the freakin’ infertile Hollywood writers? If 12.5% of the population is infertile, then shouldn’t it somewhat follow that 12.5% of the writers and newscasters are also infertile? So why aren’t they influencing what flits across my television set? Where are the movies that show the reality of fertility treatments? The television shows that don’t reduce pregnancy loss to a 52 minute storyline that falls off the screen by the closing credits, never to be brought up again? Where are the news stories that discuss advances in treatments without the scary mood music welling up in the background?

There’s a television show that used to be on in Israel called Florentene and the distributors have packaged the episodes to be shown at film festivals around the world–both Jewish and GLBT festivals. It was a groundbreaking television show that paved the way for gay characters to stop being tokenized and appear instead as just one piece of an ensemble cast. With homosexuality one piece of a three-dimesional character rather than the defining characteristic.

There was an Eytan Fox retrospective at the film festival last week so they showed the first six episodes. The show is set in the Florentene district of Tel Aviv (an artsy section of the city–think Rent crossed with Friends) and follows the lives of a bunch of twenty-somethings about two years after they left the army (army service in Israel is compulsory–about two years for women and three years for men. So you don’t go to college until after service, and many people take a year off after the army). At the core of the show are three characters who went to high school together, all three still mourning their friend (and in one case, boyfriend) who died during army service.

I went to a discussion where Eytan Fox (and his partner, Gal Uchovsky) were discussing how they went about creating their television shows and films. They were never looking to “convince the convinced” but were instead trying to reach the greater population by, as Gal says, “telling stories that are very important to us, close to us, stories of our lives. There’s always something in the movie that is about us.”

So where are the freakin’ infertile writers who are putting a bit of themselves onto the screen, giving the outsider a greater understanding of what we’re going through? That we’re not psychotic baby stealers or type-A personalities demanding a child NOW! It’s the difference between Florentene viewers getting an insider’s perspective on coming out to your parents and the Friends viewers receiving infertility wrapped up in a laugh track.

Friends tackling infertilty: Phoebe will serve as a surrogate for her infertile brother! She can take a pregnancy test a day or two post transfer! And carry to term without complications! And have three healthy babies in the easiest labour ever! Hmmm…how many stirrup queens do you think Friends had on their writing staff?

When Florentene tackles homosexuality, they do it with subtle realism. The son who can’t connect with his father after he is told that his medical discharge from the army makes him a “nobody.” The turmoil of wanting to cling to who you were and wanting to embrace who you are. And, hands down, the best coming out scene of all time. It is Rabin’s funeral and the son sets up a video camera on top of the television to capture his family’s reaction. So as they are watching Rabin’s granddaughter Noa give her famous speech about her grandfather (“Grandfather, you were, and still are, our hero. I want you know that in all I have ever done, I have always seen you before my eyes. Your esteem and love accompanied us in every step and on every path, and we lived in the light of your values. You never abandoned us, and now they have abandoned you, my eternal hero–cold and lonely–and I can do nothing to save you, you who are so wonderful.”) he tells his father–every son’s hero–that he is gay.

Homosexuality isn’t presented in a neat box that we can leave the theater believing we understand. Instead, Fox gives the viewer a springboard to jump from as homosexuality is painted as a complicated, messy, wonderful element of this main character. He wasn’t just presenting homosexuality to the convince the convinced–he was aiming at presenting homosexuality to the outsider without dumbing it down or reducing it. Fox takes the viewer as close as he possibly can to viewing in context.

I want the Eytan Fox of the infertility world to step up and not just convince the convinced, but present infertility as the complicated, messy, and…well…not so wonderful thing that it is. A regular thirty-something woman who works in advertising. And has crappy insurance. And a sister who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat and always put her foot in it. Who gets her beta results right before a big meeting and needs to pull it together to present (but has a boss with a heart-of-gold who covers for her even though this boss has never experienced infertility herself). Who sometimes fights with her husband because they’re not on the same page. And who’s conflicted about holiday gatherings–both drawn to the Christmas lights like a moth to flame and repelled by the constant baby-making questions from Aunt Margaret.

And on the other hand, she’s also on the company softball team. And she goes on vacation. And she drinks sometimes a bit too much. And she never returns her library books on time. Her whole life isn’t about infertility–it’s just one enormous piece that sometimes overshadows the rest. But the rest is still there.

For that, I would pay for cable or follow the episodes through the film festival circuit. Hell, I would even start my own infertility film festival if there was anything else to put up on the screen.

I dreamed that we adopted a child from Russia. I don’t know if it was because I had just been speaking with my mother about adoption prior to going to bed (I was sleeping at her house) or if this is some sort of sign that it’s a good road to take. Because I felt very much at peace during the dream.

Important background you need to know in order to psychoanalyze me: In real life, the twins were supposed to be triplets, but the third sac was a blighted ovum. The edge of the empty sac is visible in the first sonogram picture we have of them. I see that photo almost every night in a video that Josh made for the kids. Perhaps that has been on my mind as well, though it is something I rarely think about overall.

In my dream, we decided to adopt a boy from Russia. I decided I wanted a boy who was the same age as the twins rather than adopting a baby. And it became clear in the dream that I was trying to pass them off as triplets rather than as twins and their brother. In my dream, I was scared that the twins wouldn’t include him, but my daughter wrapped her arms around him and gave him a big hug while my son circled around them. They kept putting their heads against one another (which was the way my daughter used to “kiss” people when she was little–she touched her forehead to the other person’s forehead).

There were all sort of problems–where to put a third crib in their already cramped bedroom. But I kept insisting that the triplets needed to remain together and they all needed to be able to reach each other. So we placed the cribs in a triangle. While I felt at peace with pretending they were triplets, everyone else was worried when I called them the triplets. I kept explaining that it was easier to just call them the triplets than admit that we had adopted the third child long after having the first two. Though I was calling them the triplets even when we were at home.

I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Anyone want to play Freud with this one?

Josh came home this week with a crate of lemons and asked if I could do anything with them (please don’t ask how he ended up with a crate of lemons).

When life gives you a crate of lemons, most people would make lemonade. But I used them to make the world’s worst and most complicated lemon cookies.

Thanks a lot, Rachael Ray. They will be going into the garbage soon enough–all eight dozen of them.

But the baking process–of which there was over 45 minutes of just prep time to zest all of those lemons and juice them–gave me time to think of a new what if.

What if a close friend or family member couldn’t withhold judgement on your infertility/pregnancy loss decisions (for example, they were wholly against IVF and you chose to do IVF or they thought you needed to wait after a loss and you wanted to try again or they thought you should keep trying IVF with your eggs and you wanted to use donor eggs)? What would you want them to say in order to protect your relationship while still continuing with your decisions. Would you rather have them be honest, or would you rather have them slip off the face of the earth for a bit rather than tell you the truth?

Subsequently, is there any way that a person could tell you that they couldn’t support you during infertility and didn’t want to hear the details of your journey that would still keep your relationship in tact?

Wasn’t sure if everyone knew about the AFA‘s (American Fertility Association) online chat sessions, but there is one happening tonight. I’ve never done one of these chats, so I’m not entirely sure how it works, but it sounds like you can ask questions about IVF to a doctor from Cornell.

This is the information I received in an email this morning:

AFA Online Educational Session

Don’t forget to join The AFA for an online educational session, part of our Connections program. This is a wonderful opportunity to get your questions answered by leading physicians and professionals in the field, learn something new, and find support.

www.theafa.org/connections/chat.html

Date: Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Time: 8:00-9:00 PM (ET)
Guest Speaker: Owen K. Davis, M.D., F.A.C.O.G., The Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility
Topic: Assisted Reproduction and IVF – What are your options and how do you decide?

About Dr. DavisDr. Owen Davis is the Associate Director of the Center’s Program of in vitro fertilization, a world-renowned specialist and leader in the field of reproductive medicine, and a board certified obstetrician-gynecologist and reproductive endocrinologist. Dr. Davis is a member of more than 10 leading medical societies and is Past President of the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology. Currently, Dr. Davis is on the Board of Directors of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. In addition, he has served as Chief of the Division of Gynecology at the Weill Medical College of Cornell University and is a member of the Medical Center’s Institutional Review Board.

I receive an email from them every week or so with online programs similar to this one. You can receive this email too by signing up via the AFA‘s website. Just wanted to pass it along in case it’s helpful for anyone.

I went to see a film about motherhood at the Washington Jewish Film Festival called Be Fruitful and Multiply. Afterwards, they had a panel discussion with the filmmaker, a woman from the film, and two researchers. This film, by the way, has nothing to do with infertility and everything to do with hyperfertility. There were four women in the film–the first had 16 children (woman A), the second had 14 children (woman B), the third had 5 children and wanted more but her husband thought they should limit their family size (woman C), and the fourth had been part of a large family and had decided to limit her family to 4 children (woman D).

You would think, statistically, that out of 16 children, one would be infertile. Just based on statistics. But all of the siblings were popping out babies left and right. My husband raised an interesting point–some fertility issues are present immediately and some (like diminished ovarian reserves) develop over time. Are some women, who may be infertile if they waited until this mid-twenties to start, leaping over infertility just because they’re cranking out babies by 18? Are they facing infertility at 30 after they’ve already had 10 children so it’s not as obvious to the outsider that there’s a problem?

But I digress.

The woman who sat on the panel discussion was the first-born child of woman A. You see her in the film. She’s the one sitting around the dining room table, holding her baby while she tells a story about a woman she met in the zoo who chose to live child-free. Her sisters are discussing this woman with their mother (woman A), and they essentially decide that this woman must be mentally ill if she has chosen not to have children.

Um…

As this woman sat on the panel discussion, she paid lip service to living child-free or limiting family size, saying that it was every woman’s choice. People are entitled to change their minds, but it felt like she realized the audience didn’t share her wildly fertile uterus and she was changing her tune in order to appease the crowd.

But again, I digress.

I raised my hand and asked a question: “how are infertile women viewed in ultra-orthodox society? Are they more supported because everyone is sympathetic to their yearning to have a child or are they living on the fringes of society as an outcast?”

Without actually addressing my question, the child of woman A spoke about the organization A T.I.M.E., which is a Jewish infertility support group. She talked about the financing of fertility treatments and how there is so much support for the infertile orthodox person.

Up until this point, every time an audience member asked a question, it was answered by one person on the panel. But this time, one of the researchers grabbed the microphone and added her own point of view in an incredulous tone.

She told the story of a woman she knew in the ultra-orthodox community who was so consumed by the pressure to conceive and so distraught over her inability to conceive that she made herself physically ill. She became bulimic in an attempt to gain some control over her life. It was a sad story.

The other researcher, who turned out to be a fellow stirrup queen, also grabbed the microphone and added her two cents. Jewish women have the highest rate of infertility out of any other ethnic group. And the rate of infertility increases based on education level (damn, why did I go for that MFA? Thank G-d that I dropped out of the PhD program or my eggs would have shriveled up all together). She pointed out that certain RESOLVE chapters have overwhelming numbers of Jewish members. The point being not only is infertility prevalent in the Jewish community, but if the support is so fantastic, why are the Jews flocking to an outside source–RESOLVE?

Touche.

And I have to agree with her. I think the Jewish community has many great points (and I’m obviously still part of the community regardless of my “but”), but one of the places it fails is in regards to infertility. Like the name of the film, the highest commandment in Judaism is to “be fruitful and multiply.” At the minimum, you are supposed to have a boy and a girl to replace yourselves. But what if you can’t fulfill this commandment? When that question was posed last night, one woman said, “so you don’t fulfill it. It’s not a big deal. Not everyone was put on this earth to be a mother.” But in the next breath, she pointed out how multiplying is the highest commandment. So which is it?

In Israel, army service is mandatory with a few exceptions. If someone has an illness that precludes them for serving, they would be released from the draft. But just because there was a reason to why they weren’t fulfilling this governmental commandment wouldn’t mean that it wasn’t a big deal. Not serving is a big deal emotionally. And it’s a big deal socially. At the end of the day, it’s a fucking big deal.

And I’m trying to figure out how to explain this to an outsider. It’s not just a disappointment. It’s not on the same level as “I wanted to…but.” Becoming a mother can be a need and it’s a need that blossoms when a person is a child and playing house and becomes louder and louder until the time comes to fulfill it. And then you discover the need can’t be fulfilled. And while the outsider, like the woman on the panel, may say, “okay, so you can’t fill it–there must be another reason you’re on earth. You just have to move on and stop obsessing” it merely reveals the lack of understanding between the non-infertile and the infertile communities. What is the analogy?

Her response was just the outsider paying lip service–of course we support! Of course it isn’t a big deal if you can’t conceive! No one is judging you!

But you know full well that you are being judged. You’re being pitied. Which is almost worse than being judged. And the saddest part was that this woman on the panel probably considers herself to be supportive to those going through infertility. But it was obvious from her answers that she had no clue.

At the end of the researcher’s remarks on RESOLVE, my husband leaned into the microphone and said in front of the whole audience, “thank you, and as a card-carrying member of RESOLVE, I couldn’t agree more.” Announcing your infertility in front of your entire community–priceless. And that, my friends, is strength and conviction–the opposite of lip service.

P.S. The film was excellent. If you get a chance, you should see it.
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Updated at 7:49 p.m.

Just to clarify, I believe the statistic of infertility rates rising with education levels applies only to the Jewish community. I could be wrong, but that’s how I understood the comment. Which obviously makes my graduate degree look a little less appealing right now. I’m not sure if the reason behind this is that people are delaying family building (though I certainly knew people in grad school who were married and trying to conceive) or if it’s just an interesting little coincidence. Either way…

Googling “Judaism and fertility” brought this little nugget: “Because proportionally more Jewish than U.S. women have attained higher education, the connection between education and fertility disproportionately affects the Jewish population.”

So I guess it’s not exactly tied to religion, but instead tied to education. But it’s perhaps more apparent in this population because many Jewish women continue their education past college. Strangely, googling educa
tion and infertilty did not bring up similar studies that are focused solely on education levels and not education levels within a specific group. Anyone out there in the fertility world who knows of such a study?

And even if I had known about this study before I ever applied to gradute programs, would it have impacted my choice?