Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Time Traveler’s Wife? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list in the post above. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #4 (Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein) and all are welcome to join along (see the post above to sign up). All you need is a book and blog.

If someone told you with certainty that you will have a baby sometime in the near future, like Clare was told, how would that affect you? Would it change your approach to cycling?

Definitely–I think so much of the pain and anxiety of infertility comes from not knowing. Because conception is time-sensitive, because ART is so expensive, because there are risks everywhere you turn, you are constantly making decisions without knowing if there was a better choice somewhere else that would bring you to parenthood either faster or easier or with less pain (emotional and physical). If I could have been told emphatically, beyond a doubt, when or how I would have a child, I could have enjoyed that time prior to their arrival. I think we enter parenthood completely burned out. We become so exhausted trying to get pregnant or trying to adopt and remain so stressed out even as we get close to parenthood during pregnancy or matching, that by the time we actually get to be parents, we turn around and realize that we missed out on enjoying the process that other people sail through so happily. And we’re drained. We’re so happy to finally be parents, but we have no emotional reserves. If there was a way to know beforehand, I would want to have that information–even if it wasn’t the path my heart wanted to necessarily take in the moment. I’d rather know that all my efforts are going to fail and I’m going to have to choose a new path than spend my emotional reserves on unsuccessful pursuits. I have a deep respect for people who are able to jump off this ride and try a new path before they’ve gotten to the point where they are emotionally spent.

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

The first time I read this book, I didn’t know about the loss part of the storyline and it was the first in a strange series of books that I picked up that all had miscarriage as part of the plot (I read three or four books in a row that each had miscarriage or infertility as part of the book). I bought this book on a night when I was particularly sad and scared and overwhelmed after the twins were born. It was our first night out after the kids came home from the NICU and we went to a Thai restaurant (like Clare and Henry!) and then wandered into a nearby bookstore before heading home. For whatever reason, I felt like I had to buy this book that night. There is actually a photo of me holding my daughter and reading this book. I remember sitting in bed and crying through the miscarriage sections and not being able to even get the words out to tell Josh about what I had read. I think a large portion of my reaction was because it hit close to the bone, and the rest of it came from the timing in the book. I cared about these characters–we are deep into the book by the time this part of the story comes around. When I read this book the first time, I was alone in the house with the kids. These characters were the only people coming into my field of vision once the twins were napping. While Josh could bring home stories from work, I was telling him stories from my books. And Clare felt like someone I could have met in the clinic while I was waiting to be called back to an appointment.

I think her inability to stop trying hit close to the bone too and seeing a character making decisions that I would make made me take on her pain and put myself in her shoes. Does that make any sense?

Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again. While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?

I could barely get through that scene in Contact where Jodie Foster met her father (or an alien who was created to resemble her father) and then had to say goodbye and go back. And I’ve always cried for Alice when she needs to leave Wonderland. I hate the finality of goodbyes. And death is the most final of goodbyes.

On one hand, it would be terrible to mourn and then see the person again–but only for a moment–and then have to mourn a second time. On the other hand, who would turn down that moment to spend even a few seconds with someone they love and miss? I don’t think having that knowledge makes the mourning harder or easier–I don’t think there is anything you can do or say to help someone through that process of accepting loss–but, for me, it would make the aftermath, the daily life without that person, easier because I would wake-up every day wondering if I would see them that day. But I think I would go through the entire mourning process again after that moment together. Still, I’d take that extra period of mourning for that moment and I only wish this part of the book could be true and we could be brought back together with a person one last time.

We’ve been listening to Queen’s Greatest Hits on continual play for the last few weeks because my son is in a Freddy Mercury stage. I finally escaped Queen for a few hours today to go see Blades of Glory. Only to hear the pounding beat of “Flash Gordon” as Will Ferrell skated for the gold.

A huge thank you to everyone who voted for me for the Best of Blog Awards. If you’ve never read the other blogs in the category, you should head over to them right now and begin reading. There’s Omega Mom, who is this brilliant adoption blogger who has been doing an amazing series of posts for the past few days. And Open Window, another adoption blog that I read hungrily and feel honoured to be invited into that world via her blog. And I Wasted All That Birth Control which makes me laugh and cry on a weekly basis. The Fertility Blog, a website on natural fertility. The Karen Road Chronicles, who writes beautifully about life in general and fertility and her son. Lastly, Serenity Now–a blog that has changed my infertility experience and made me feel less alone, less overwhelmed. She is a woman I feel honoured to walk beside on this journey.

I have been crying on and off all night for Snickollet. She lost her husband this week after a battle with pancreatic cancer. Emmie at Better Make it a Double created a candle for our blogs to virtually light for Snickollet. And even though it is too late, even though it really doesn’t feel like enough, I wanted to send this out there to her and let her know that I’m thinking about her family tonight.

Ew…what’s that taste in my mouth? I think I may have vomited a little while watching Notes From the Underbelly last night. I started retching when the chickie got pregnant on the first try. Then the puke really started dribbling when the two women squealed over being pregnant at the same time and I had a small waterfall when the two men slapped high-fives because he got his wife pregnant on the first shot (you’re right! That does really make you a man. Oh yes, laughtrack, that is hilarious). The entire I-need-to-eat-right-now thing felt old the first time she made a left turn from the right lane. And I twitched a little whenever Jules walked around with her hands on her belly. But probably my favourite part of the show was the way the single woman was dismissed whenever she tried to enter the conversation. I think it sets a lovely tone for the show. It was not the best use of an hour of my time.

Please…can we talk about something else? I think my eyes are still burning.

The first blilt is up and now it’s time to start the next one. How it showed up on the screen is actually different from how it appeared when it was in draft form. So now that I know how it will look on-screen, I have some new ideas on how to make it look a little more quilt-like.

So the next blilt is about waiting. It sometimes feels like this isn’t really “making” a baby or “becoming” a parent or any other active verb. It’s the inverse of active. It’s a huge waiting game. You wait to cycle, you wait to have your beta, you wait to be chosen for adoption. And everyone gets through that wait with different emotions and thoughts.

For this next blilt, add to this thought in anywhere from 1–15 words: “During the wait…” (you don’t need to add those words to your sentence, but simply use them as a kick-off point). And here is one additional step–state which type of wait you’re writing about in your square. Whether it’s waiting to cycle, waiting to know, waiting to get in with the RE (any form of waiting). I may try to coordinate the “fabric” with the type of waiting. And it would help me tremendously to enter them quickly if everyone used this format:

This seems to be the week for good ideas. So in case you missed any…

Okay, so these first two were missed last week because I had matzah brain (which is a very real phenomenon. Try existing on matzah for 8 days and we’ll see how clearly you can think), but JJ at Domesitcated has started a community blogroll in Facebook. If I understand correctly, unlike a blogroll which has to be maintained by a person and sometimes contains dead links or wrong links, the facebook blogroll is maintained by the people who opt into the blogroll and community. Does that make sense? Did I mention my lack of computer savvy? But it sounds like a very cool idea so go check it out.

The other site I meant to write about last week was this wonderful new site called the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory. It is a clearinghouse for information concerning loss and it is maintained by five bloggers. They have a roundup every Friday similar to this one solely concerning loss. It is so incredibly moving. No person experiencing a miscarriage or neonatal death ever needs to feel alone again. During the week, they discuss articles and issues concerning loss. It is a fantastic site and I think it’s important to go over and see the good work they are doing even if you haven’t experienced a loss. It’s important to support your fellow stirrup queens.

Serenity is setting up a meeting of North American bloggers right now. Which does not mean that non-North American bloggers are excluded; she is just being realistic in who would be able to come (but if you are planning a trip to the US, let her know). Contact her if you wish to be put on the planning list (her email address is on her blog).

Celeste from One Long Yarn has started a fund to benefit her husband’s village of HeJiaWan in Nanbu County, Sichuan, China. Bamboo Village Education Fund was started because, “every time we return to visit, we find that another youngster has dropped out of school due to economic pressures. What happens to them? They end up going to work in sweatshop factories, or to work in risky construction jobs and other terrible jobs. I just can’t sit by any more. I know I can help these kids and these families to get the education that they are so close to completing! More than that, I know that we can open up new worlds to them with efforts in teacher training, public awareness-raising, and (my greatest dream) opening a community library.” Celeste has set up this amazing online store filled with extremely cool artsy stuff and supplies. So…if you need to get a gift for someone, why not have it benefit HeJiaWan too?

Lastly, following on the heels of Bea’s International Infertility Film Festival is the Multiple Mom Movie Madness–an online film festival for parents of multiples. Stacie has organized a film festival set to open on May 31st to showcase movies “about the joys/hassles/magic/challenges of being the mother (or father) of multiple babies (or toddlers, or school age children or…).” Hmmm…I think I’m hearing the siren song of Microsoft Paint again…

An apology–I am way behind entering emoblopedia links. It’s on my to-do list for the weekend along with cleaning up all that vomit from last night’s television-watching experience. Damn you, Notes From the Underbelly for coming on after Grey’s Anatomy.

And on a last note, I met my first blogger today. Or really, my first commenter, because Paz doesn’t actually have a blog. It was Paz who kicked off the idea of Infertility’s Common Thread with her question about secret handshakes. And I can’t even tell you how much it rocked to meet someone face-to-face. We had been conversing via email for months and we finally coordinated schedules and I got to hold her delicious newborn baby. And she’s just an extremely cool person and I feel lucky that our paths crossed.

The first blilt and its unraveled counterpart are up below this post. Wheeeeeeew (wipes brow and flexes cramped mouse-clicking hand). Just a few things about this blilt and future blilts:

• You can now see why it needs to be about 10 words (probably 15 maximum)–the squares would get too big. I’m sorry that I had to edit a few of them down a bit to make them fit. Hopefully I didn’t lose the emotion behind the statement. This is also the reason I started the other post: The Blilt Unraveled. People had these gorgeous thoughts that couldn’t fit on a square. So for the next blilt, send along a paragraph too if you have more to say because I’m always going to include the accompanying post of the blilt “unraveled.” (get it? Unraveled because it’s unraveling the emotions of infertility and loss. But it’s also a quilt. So it can become unraveled… Um…I thought this title was clever so just pretend along with me).

• There are two or three squares that aren’t linked because the author either submitted them anonymously or when I tried to go onto the blog, it wasn’t publicly listed. If you’re the owner of one of these squares, I can still link to your blog or an email address–just send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) with the url. Just a note in the future, if your blog isn’t publicly listed but you want the square linked, send me the url with your words. This actually speeds things along for everyone if you include the url for your blog under your words. At the same time, if you want to submit thoughts for a square but you don’t want it linked to your blog, let me know.

• These two posts will be linked in the emoblopedia under General Infertility (receiving a diagnosis). All future blilts will also be kept in the emoblopedia, but I’ve also started a post that you can find via my side bar (How to Make an International Blilt–get it? How to Make an American Quilt/How to Make an International Blilt? Get it? Please, just play along. I’m really punchy after making 58 quilt squares on Microsoft Paint. Ooooh, how I love that Microsoft Paint). I will update it regularly whenever we “finish” a blilt and also have a link to the current blilt that is being constructed.

• I put “finish” in quotes because the blilts never have to be complete. I can keep adding to them as new people enter the community or as new people find the blilts. Therefore, if you’re seeing these posts for the first time today, don’t be shy. Leave your thoughts in the comment section on the Diagnosis Blilt and I’ll make a square and add it. If the virtual quilt starts getting too big, I’ll simply start The Second Diagnosis Blilt.

As I said, this was the first of many blilts. I’ll throw out the next question tomorrow. And we’ll make a whole new virtual quilt that will stand as a testament to the experience as well as introduce you to a like-minded blog writer who shares the same reaction as you to a given situation. So that’s the last part: click away. And add comments to another person’s blog. Let them know that you felt the same way and saw their square on the blilt.

Like a big quilt stretching over all of our legs as we zone out on the sofa during the two week wait, these virtual quilts are meant to bring comfort and warmth. No one is alone in this community. There are many other stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters who have your back.

This is the Diagnostic Blilt, the first of many virtual quilts that stand as a testament to the experiences of the infertility and pregnancy loss community. These are the unique reactions to single moments in a journey. Whenever possible, the squares of the quilt are linked back to the author’s blog or email address. This gives the viewer a chance to connect with a like-minded person experiencing infertility or loss and read more of their story. Therefore we encourage you to click on any square and learn more about the author’s story. Take a moment to leave them a comment. Like an actual quilt, the Blilts have a chance to share a moment of warmth between two unrelated individuals.

Contribute your own reaction to your own diagnosis in the comments section. The Blilt projects are always open and we will be continually adding to them as new words come along from future members of the infertility and pregnancy loss community. Click on the hyperlinked words in order to learn more about the Virtual Quilt Project and how you can contribute.