Category — Uncategorized

I read a fantastic quote from T.H. White’s Once and Future King, which is the King Arthur story. Arthur comes to Merlyn, disappointed, and Merlyn answers:

The best thing for being sad… is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails … That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.

I love that because it’s true. When I’m in a rut or feeling unanchored, overwhelmed, upset, then learning something, finding something new to be passionate about, pulls me out of the feeling.

I can’t think of a single time I’ve sought out information and then regretted learning something new. I mean, sure, I was never thrilled being told what I had to learn in school. But making projects for myself? Choosing my own books? Looking up things that I’m curious about? Zero regrets. 100% feeling at least slightly better.

I have a project for myself right now. And it’s kind of sort of awesome to be learning new things first thing every morning.

Okay, so I get that marketers don’t do their work with the intention of upsetting people. They’re just trying to get you to notice their product. And 99% of the time, their work ranges from helpful to annoying.

But this.

Abby, a 65-year-old retiree living in Central Texas, was shocked when she received a letter addressed to her daughter Hallie. Inside the pink envelope, Abby found a purple card with an illustration of a halved avocado with a heart hovering inside its pit. “Holy guacamole!” the card said. “You’re going to avo baby!” The inscription was vague. “Congratulations!!!” someone had written in quick Sharpie. “I’m so excited for you! I hope you like these.” Signed, with a heart, Jenny B.

It’s a marketing campaign, flooding the receiver with info, coupons, and gift cards for random baby businesses. Some people they hit actually are pregnant. But other people they hit, such as Abby, have lost their child. Or have miscarried. Or aren’t planning on getting pregnant at all.

So take the sting of getting a coupon from Gerber in the mail and multiply it by 10 because you’re getting this congratulations card in the mail along with a whole slew of baby-related crap.

The idea of it made me want to kick over my mailbox.

I know it’s doctors and not marketers who make the promise to do no harm, but… it just seems like a basic line one shouldn’t cross when they’re representing such a potentially fraught situation.

I mentioned a week or two ago that I was reading Maria Konnikova’s Mastermind. (Am I working on a mystery? Perhaps…). There is this part on page 82 where Konnikova cautions people to think flexibly like Holmes vs rigidly like Watson. Holmes takes in new information and changes his line of thinking. Watson rejects new information unless it confirms the mental path he’s already on.

She writes:

You can set goals to help you filter the world, but be careful lest you use these goals as blinders. Your goals, your priorities, your answer to the “what I want to accomplish” question must be flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances. If the available information changes, so should you. Don’t be afraid to deviate from a preset plan when it serves the greater objective.

Infertility to the core. Goals as blinders? Changing circumstances? “If the available information changes, so should you. Don’t be afraid to deviate from a preset plan when it serves the greater objective.” Am I right?

Which is scary because goals feel close and greater objectives feel far away. But isn’t our greater objective to be happy? To be satisfied and use our time well on earth? To love and to be loved? Are there multiple ways to reach those greater objectives if we can be flexible like Holmes?

We go into our plans hoping they’ll come to fruition. But if they don’t, what next?

Food for thought.

As you know because I talk about it incessantly, I am a Carolyn Hax superfan. I will skip reading the news when we’re abroad. And I will skip doing my beloved New York Times mini crossword puzzle. But I will never skip reading Hax’s column.

My favourite moments are when she weaves a little of her own story into giving advice. She has mentioned divorce (her ex-husband is the person who draws the comics that accompany the column) and infertility several times throughout the years.

But last week, due to sloppy reading, I thought she gave us a peek into her parenting world. A person asked for advice on getting their child evaluated. She gave her advice (completely sound, as usual), and then she added some reader thoughts. Except, at first, I missed that they were reader thoughts, so I thought she had gotten super personal when I got to the comment about the daughter.

(For people who can’t read the column because it’s behind a paywall: “Do the testing yesterday, even if you have to sell your house. My daughter always had issues, but no one ever recommended we test her. We just essentially withdrew her from college yesterday, and life is hell right now.”)

So not her comment, but I thought it was her comment, and it made me realize how much I appreciate candidness from a professional. I know therapists and teachers are taught to put up strong boundaries, and there is a point to those boundaries.

But as a teacher, some of my most meaningful moments came when I let those walls down and admitted to the kids times I had struggled in school or things I was afraid of or mistakes I had made in life.

I’m grateful for the times when she does that, even if this was not one of those times.

I read the dek even before I read the headline: “Researchers found that 18 percent of women were experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder nine months after a pregnancy loss.”

It’s unpacked deeper early in the article: “According to a new study published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, nine months after experiencing a pregnancy loss, 18 percent of women had PTSD, 17 percent had anxiety and 6 percent reported having depression.”

18% PTSD

17% anxiety

6% depression

Perhaps due to that overwhelming message from society: Just get over it.

The ultimate quote from the article:

“We have a problem on our hands that we haven’t up until now properly acknowledged or looked to treat,” she said.

In other words, no follow up. No return visits to check on emotional well-being. No protocol to follow beyond suggesting another cycle. This study made me angry because it brought up so much that is wrong in medical world when it comes to women’s bodies.