Category — Friday Blog Roundup

Thank you for the blogoversary wishes (and apologies for both posts becoming so damn long). Someone joked that I must grow tired of hearing nice things and… well… no.  Because I tell myself such shitty things about myself. (I am seriously the worst sort of bully because I can’t even report myself to the principal.)  I know I’m not alone (right?) in being a terrible, relentless critic of myself, therefore, we need these kind words to counterbalance the damage we do to ourselves.  It’s probably the real reason for awards and birthday wishes and retirement parties — we all collectively know about our private self-esteem issues and we do each other a favour of trying to balance out the internalized negativity with external words.  I always hope that your external words get closer to the truth than my internal monologue.  At my best moments, I believe it all.  At my worst moments, my internal monologue convinces me that it’s the rest of the world that has it wrong.

At all moments, those posts are the ones I return to when I am feeling crappy about myself.  So your words don’t just affect me today.  It’s such a simple thing — you leave a comment, but know that your words are used many times throughout the year.  And they are what makes the difference.

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I started running again this week.  A big part of why I stopped running this year had to do with time.  The only slot I had for running was 6 am, and I tried it a bunch of times before giving up.  The reality is that I’m not fantastic at waking up, probably due to the fact that it takes me so long to fall asleep that I live with a constant sleep deficit.  So running first thing in the morning failed miserably because I spent the first five minutes after the alarm went off wishing for a power outage so I wouldn’t have to workout. (I run inside.)

My schedule opened up so I’ve gone back to my much more realistic running time which comes after a cup of coffee and three pee breaks.  I actually enjoy running when I’m fully awake.

I have a notebook where I record miles run and estimated calories burned.  I also record my weight from time to time, though I’ve stopped stepping on a scale because I was becoming obsessed with the number.  On Monday, I leafed back through the book to the very beginning to see my weight back in 2001 when the notebook begins.

I thought I was so heavy back then.  I was so self-conscious of my body.  Of course, I was nine pounds lighter than I am right now.  It is this bizarre thing, trying to get back to the weight where I thought I was unattractive.  I have in my brain right now that if I could just reach that weight from 2001, my clothes will fit so much better.  Back in 2001, I would do anything to not be that weight.  Right now, it seems like perfection.

Funny how things change.

What did you think of your body ten years ago?  And how do you think about your body from ten years ago now?

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Your Dream Will Change… and That’s Okay” (The Road Less Travelled)

Okay, now my choices this week.

My Lady of the Lantern has a post in bullet points, each one a little kick to the gut.  All of them will hold you for a moment, but it was the last one that I sat with the longest.  “I had a dream today. In the days after knowing of CheekyBub’s death and later, I begged God to not make me have any visions or dreams or such. I had one today, and am glad to report it was positive.”

The Port of Indecision has a kickass post about the financial side of infertility.  She reeled me in with her opening point about infertility being discussed differently from the rest of medicine.  “Face it, folks, the entire field of medicine is an industry. It’s why Big Pharma sponsors clinical trials. It’s why commercials urge you to ‘talk to your doctor about [new drug here]’ instead of actually being a patient and seeing what the doctor suggests.”  This has always been one of my annoyances too, especially because the label is simultaneously unspoken commentary about the patient.

I love this post about what it means to have it all by It Is What It Is (or It Is?).  Both her ideas on why the waiting during adoption is so difficult for her, but also deconstructing the idea of having it all.  I think her ideas on wanting will resonate with a lot of people, especially in an age of immediacy coupled with the means to obtain inanimate objects.

Lastly, Write Mind Open Heart has a post not about why bad things happen to good people, but simply the fact that they do.  From the idea of the flattened orange peel (really, you’ll want to read this post and understand that) to the lesson her daughter learned, she captivate me with this idea of how no one human can escape disappointment.  And the trick is learning how to love your blemishes rather than only focus on how to remove them.

The roundup to the Roundup: Thank you for the blogoversary wishes.  I started running again and it made me reflect on what I thought of my body 10 years ago.  And lots of great blog posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between June 17 and June 24) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

We are currently having a  Harry Potter lovefest (which I refer to as a verb: Pottering) because I’ve let them watch the first film.  My rule is that we can only watch the films for the books we’ve read and since I’ll only let them near the first two books right now, our pickings are fairly limited.

But I loved watching their mouths fall open when the brick wall moves to reveal Diagon Alley.  I remember crying in the movie theater when I saw that, wishing so badly that I could actually be there. (To be fair, it was also the day before my wedding so I was on an emotional hair trigger.)

On Wednesday night, right before bed, I caught the Wolvog standing in front of the mirror, pushing his hair off his forehead.  The Wolvog was born with a red scar on his forehead, a scar the neonatologist swore would probably fade within weeks.  We are now nearing on seven years and it is still visible.  It looks like a crooked V and we all absolutely love his scar (including him), especially because we’ve always called him “the boy who lived” since he was born prematurely at 2 pounds.

So he was staring in the mirror with this hopeful expression on his face and the ChickieNob was whispering something to him.  Afterward he climbed into bed and he finally burst out with: “I really think I might be magical, and I can’t wait until I’m 11 and find out!”

I did nothing to help matters.  I just encouraged it, somehow forgetting that Hogwarts isn’t real.  We spent an extra half hour dreaming up what life would be like when their letter arrived.  When I became the parent of a little witch and wizard (oh, because I assured them that with twins, if one is magical, the other is definitely magical too).

And seriously, somewhere in that conversation, it was like seeing Diagon Alley on the screen all over again.  My heart just exploded over the idea of it all being real.

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As part of our Harry Potter lovefest, we watched clips from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying on YouTube before dinner.  We are trying very hard to convince Josh to take us to this.  So far, he has not budged.

But isn’t Daniel Radcliffe a great dancer?

Help me convince Josh to take us.

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Somehow, Life from Scratch made a special list on Amazon for top rated humour writing.  The list is Jimmy Fallon, Adam Carolla, Christopher Moore, and… me.  I have been told many times in my life that I’m just not funny, so this was great vindication — to have a book powerhouse like Amazon knight me amusing.  It made me want to call up everyone from high school who told me that I wasn’t funny and rub it in their face.  And then I realized that no one in high school told me that I wasn’t funny because I was completely invisible in high school.  Then I went back to eating candied pecans.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Right Where I Am Project: Two Years and Five Months” (Still Life with Circles)
• “Right Where I Am: Two Months, Twenty Days” (Here We Go Again)
• “Sex, Infertility, and Where to Shove the 40 Beads” (Stirrup Queens)
• “First Time Being Called Twins” (Three Times the Fun)
• “Mommy’s Garden” (Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed)
• “Barometers” (Two Kayaks)
• “One Year Ago Today” (Stumbling Gracefully)
• “One of Those Days” (Taking the Statistical Bullet)
• “2011 Has Turned, Finally” (Just Two Lines Away)
• “Who is this Person?” (The Elusive Embryo)
• “The Pink” ((In)fertile Mrytle)
• “Unintentional Rant” (My Little Blessing in Disguise)
• “On the Subject of Staying Home” (Three is a Magic Number)
• “Two Solitudes” (Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off)
• “The Day We Said Goodbye and She Rode Around the City Alone” (Jack at Random)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Eggs in a Row has a post about her guilty pleasure — reading mommy blogs.  She reads them because they present a world so different from the one she grew up in, but she also admits: “Sometimes, I let myself dream.  I read these blogs, and let myself imagine a future where I am a good mom, instead of a wishful, waiting infertile.  And you know what?  I can’t wait.”  Do you also read those blogs, letting yourself dream?  Or do you avoid them like a plague?  Or somewhere in between?

Just Us and the Cat explains why she can’t watch Glee.  The show is like a location casualty, bringing with it memories of her loss.  She writes, “I never did finish watching that episode of Glee.  For a while, Glee episodes became a marker for how long it had been since I’d discovered that the pregnancy was going badly wrong.”

Lastly, Raising Kvell has a beautiful post about a loss (thank you, Jendeis, for sending it my way!).  The line that made me pause comes towards the end: “I’m not going to be a Mama again after all and I went through almost an entire trimester pregnant, with nothing.”  It’s a post that is ultimately filled with a lot of hope, but that line just got to me.

The roundup to the Roundup: We very well may have a witch and wizard in our house.  Help me convince Josh to blow through our savings to see How to Succeed in Business.  Someone thinks I’m funny.  And lots of great blog posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between June 10 and June 17) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

And I’d like to thank you for such a robust list of posts last week in the comment section.  Can we do it again?  Plus, revisit the posts above and give them a little extra love if you didn’t last week.

On Monday, I was looking out the window, waiting for the Fed Ex man, when I noticed that someone had left an enormous black hose over our top step.  Our own garden hose is green, so I knew that it wasn’t someone borrowing our own, but my first thought was that my neighbour must be using our water spigot outside and maybe I should go see if they’re washing their car and get in on the car washing action.

And then the hose started to move.

And I realized that it wasn’t a hose and it wasn’t our neighbour borrowing our water, it was AN ENORMOUS BLACK SNAKE!

I watched in horror as it writhed and slithered on the top step.  From the angle I was at, I couldn’t tell exactly where it was moving, but it looked like it was entering the space between the front door and the screen door.  I flipped out and called Josh, who was about a 45 minute drive away, and screamed into the phone that there is a SNAKE ABOUT TO COME INTO OUR HOUSE AND KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

He actually sounded a little panicked by this news, namely because we don’t live in a snake-y area.  In fact, this is my first time seeing a snake in our area.  The last snake I saw was about two feet long and totally skinny, chilling on the hiking trail in Catoctin.  This snake was between four and five feet long and thick.  Like this.

I called animal control and they essentially told me that they didn’t give a shit because rat snakes are not poisonous.  They told me to open the door and knock it out with a broom.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Can you hear the panic in my voice?  Do I sound like the type of person who is going to open the door?

I ran back to the window, now unable to see the snake, and noticed that two nice missionaries were walking up and down our street, neat shirts and backpacks, knocking on people’s doors.  I was about to open my window and ask if they’d help move the snake when the Fed Ex man arrived.  I hysterically told him through the door that I couldn’t accept my package because there was an enormous snake between my front door and the screen and could he please please please help me?

He opened the screen door and examined the area and told me the snake was gone.  He couldn’t stop laughing as I went outside and looked around the area.  He was right — the snake was nowhere to be found.  It had most likely slithered off toward my neighbour’s house, but that didn’t stop me from watching the front door the rest of the afternoon, just waiting to see that slick body slithering through a microscopic crack in the door (because snakes are boneless, right?  They can squeeze themselves anywhere… I think.  At least the man-eating ones can).

Freaked me out.

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Is it just me or has the blogosphere gone enormously quiet and still in the past week or two?  Fewer people reading, fewer people writing, fewer people commenting.  I’ve read blog posts and scrolled down to leave a comment, expecting to see dozens of comments already there since the post was a few days old… and saw two.  I’ve opened my Reader and seen that only a handful of posts have been added though that number is usually enormous.  I know there is the summer slow down, but this feels like something else.  Blogging Listlessness.  Are you listlessly blogging, reading, and commenting?  How can I light a fire under your ass?

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Sometimes, You Just Need a Good Rant” (From IF to When)
• “It Came in a Rush” (Production, Not Reproduction)
• “Confessional Fridays: Flirting with my Past” (Stumbling Gracefully)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Things Get IF’fy has a banshee scream post about receiving yet another pregnancy announcement, again from a co-worker.  I love this musing on the future: “I wonder if the banshee will ever tone it down to a croak or a sighing moan.  I can see myself at 60 – who knows lucky enough to be a grandmother myself – trying hard to tune out the other grannies boasting about their scores of grandkids.”  Though I think Heather’s idea of an infertile nursing home is brilliant…

Too Many Fish to Fry has a post about the cruelness of the world; about the bitter and the sweet, and she finishes the post with a Pampers commercial that had me bawling.  Watch if you need a good cry (heads up: for a diaper commercial, it is IF-friendly).  TMFtF also has a writing workshop idea so look at her top post as well.

The Misadventures of MissOhKay has a post about unfulfilled due dates; namely why she imagines the size the child would be if she were still gestating yet she never thinks about that child past the due date, into the future.  Today is the unfulfilled due date, and I’m certain that she could use some extra love.

Life from Here has a post about her daughter’s birthday and the various celebrations, all seen through the lens of open adoption.  She writes: “Open adoption is complicated because relationships are complicated. Life is complicated.”  And this post is complicated, but it’s beautiful.  And it is also so clearly filled with love.

Lastly, No Kidding in NZ has a great post that I think deserves a larger discussion which is whether or not one babyproofs their house if they don’t have children (or, I’d add to the idea, if your children are older and you’ve moved along from the electrical-socket-cover stage).  I like what No Kidding does and her thoughts, but others have put good ideas in the comment section as well.  Add your thoughts too.

The roundup to the Roundup: I was almost eaten by an enormous black snake (or something like that).  What’s up with the wave of Blogging Listlessness (are you noticing it too?) And lots of great blog posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between June 3 and June 10) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes.  My Chekhovian mood stretched through the whole week.  Josh asked if I wanted to go see a production of Uncle Vanya and I just stared at him for a long time until I finally said, “do you think that’s a good idea?”  And he had to admit that it probably wasn’t.

I am still feeling Prufrock-y, still wearing my trousers rolled, but I did spend an hour trying out electric guitars.  And then, in true form, walked out of the store without my birthday present and told the man that I needed to sleep on it.  I will most likely go back and buy it tonight — a simple, blue Fender Squier.  Nothing fancy, but a first electric guitar probably shouldn’t have too many bells and whistles.

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But the best birthday gift came from Amazon.  On Thursday I learned that Life from Scratch had been chosen for their sunshine deals program.  They picked 600 books that were already bestsellers or had won awards, temporarily dropped the price, and are featuring them for two weeks to kick off summer reading.

It’s a fairly eclectic list: Sophie’s Choice, Slaughterhouse Five, and… Life from Scratch.  There’s Chelsea Handler and short stories by Andre Dubus and the writings of Martin Luther King Jr.  See — eclectic.

By Thursday night, it was down to #316 on the Paid Kindle list.  Which is awesome.  I mean, it’s very cool to think of new people reading my book, but it also was an injection of energy into writing the sequel.  Stuff was just quietly going on with the first book and I was just quietly writing the second book, and this was like a huge yelp in the middle of a sea of words that woke me up, made me sit up straighter, and actually smile through my Chekhovian mood as I typed.

So.

Life from Scratch is down to $2.99 on Kindle for the next two weeks for this promotion.  It’s the perfect time (hint, hint) to get a copy if you don’t already have one (I don’t personally have a Kindle, but you can read Kindle books on the computer, the iPad, and the blackberry, etc).

And I’m telling you this because I’m going to beg you — as a birthday present to me? — to spread word.  Tell friends and family that this would be a great beach read, some good summer fun.  That it’s the perfect time to get it — it will never be this low in price.  It’s less than a frappuccino!  Tweet it, Facebook it, blog about it.  Pretty please?

My goal, since everyone should have a goal, is to get to #1 on the Kindle List.  Will you help me do that?

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And speaking of birthday fun… the winners of the giveaway (and seriously, I can’t believe 257 entries for a box of baked goods and only 28 for the best games I’ve ever played?):

1. Rush Hour (winner: JustHeather)
2. What’s Gnu (winner: Kristin)
3. Rush Hour iPhone/iPad app (winner: Magpie)
4. Solitaire Chess iPhone/iPad app (winner: Baby Smiling in Back Seat)

Congratulations!

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “What the Heck is Wrong with Me…” [Part One] and “What the Heck is Wrong with Me…” [Part Two] (Too Many Fish to Fry)
• “Little Warrior” (Three Times the Fun)
• “To Taryn, at Graduation” (Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off)
• “Mice and Cheese” (Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off)
• “Right Where I Am Project” (Still Life with Circles)
• “Rape is Not an Appliance” (Oh, Noa)
• “Forgiveness” (Expired Eggs… ?)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Kate, Uncensored has a wistful little post about wishing for a wedding.  On one hand, she doesn’t need the ceremony, the paper or the ring.  But on the other, it’s this little thing that is missing.  It made me think about all the things we can talk ourselves into living without, but how they always are like a little sigh in the back of our heart.

The Port of Indecision has a post about perspective.  She juxtaposes her experience with recurrent loss with her friend’s reaction to her own miscarriage.  At first the comparison makes her feel badly, but she comes to realize how her perspective has changed with each loss.  She explains: “And how by the fifth time I was simply resigned to the reality that this was the only thing that could possibly happen. And how it’s gone from, ‘Why not me?’ to, ‘Why me, again?’ It’s all a matter of perspective.”

Grit and Patience has a post about donor eggs and the cuckoo bird.  I love this passage: “I’d love whatever kid I had, of course.  I guess it’s just a visceral illustration of that baby or child being foreign, different, not OF ME, us not “fitting”. My reaction to the cuckoo image isn’t as strong now as it used to be.  Maybe it’s the passage of time, maybe it’s the Zoloft.  Who knows?”  But you’re going to want to read the whole post for this line: “It’s the love that makes you ‘fit,’ not the genes.”

Lastly, Write Mind Open Heart has a post about summer, specifically, summer vacations as a kid.  You will mentally go back in time.  Our neighbourhood wasn’t big on fort building, but we played all house hide-and-go-seek (meaning, you could be outside or in any of the houses on our street with only one tree designated as the “safe” zone).  We biked and explored.  We went to day camp for six weeks.  Go tell her what you did.

The roundup to the Roundup: I survived my birthday.  Please help me make Life from Scratch #1 on the Kindle list.  Winners from the giveaway.  And lots of great blog posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between May 27 and June 3) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

My birthday has sort of sneaked up on me this year.  I had to look at the calendar yesterday and noticed that my birthday is next week.  Which freaks the crap out of me as it always does.

The kids have returned to watching Free to Be You And Me at night.  Josh got home early last night as we were watching the song “I’d Rather Be the Sun” and commented that the creators of all the child-like drawings are now paunchy middle-agers like ourselves.  And I suddenly got this sick feeling of how there would be a day that we would no longer be here, but kids in the future would be watching this video and seeing drawings created by people who are now dead.

Which isn’t that unique — many things we look at are created by people who are no longer around — but it was mind-blowing.  This idea of no longer being here.  Of how art can trap time.

Please don’t wish me happy birthday yet.  Give me my last few days ignoring the fact that I’m aging another year.

Josh and I are getting a date this weekend in honour of my birthday.  I’ve chosen to go to the aquarium because nothing says romance like breathing in the stench of the stingray pool.  We’ll see if we can work in a quick make-out session in the shark tank area.  Growl!

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Kir asked me to contribute a Proudest Mum Moment to her blog and I agreed simply because she is Kir.  I think she thought I’d tell the Ste.ve Jo.bs story, but this is truly my proudest moment as a parent, and it is a story that everyone who knows me in the face-to-face world would list as my proudest moment because it has been told so many times.

The twins were born prematurely, and as a result, had a compromised immune system.  They were constantly sick in their first year of life, especially — it seemed — when Josh was out of town.  Another important fact to know is that prior to their birth, we had new carpet laid in the living room as well as the entire upstairs (sans bathrooms since that would be a bit strange).  I love this carpet, and we ask that people take off their shoes when they’re in the house in an attempt to keep it clean.

At the time this story begins, the carpet is a year old.  It is still in mint condition.

In February, Josh went to the Berlin Film Festival.  The twins were a little over 6 months old (yes, my proudest parenting moment came early in their life, casting a shadow over all that could possibly come in the future).  I was sitting on the sofa, holding the ChickieNob, who was sick (yet again) while my mother held the Wolvog (who was also sick).

The ChickieNob made a body shudder as if she was about to throw up, something she had done numerous times that day — all luckily over tiled floor or on herself (please don’t judge me on how much I love this carpet).  This time, we were on the sofa, with no time to sweep her out of the room.  In that split second, I said goodbye to the carpet, certain that it would be stained with vomit just as my friend’s carpet was stained by medication-laced vomit.

My ChickieNob, a girl who loves things of beauty, who appreciates room aesthetics, projectile vomited across the room.  The vomit sailed through the air to a chair 4 feet away — 4 FEET AWAY — that had a towel discarded on the seat.  The throw up landed on the towel, and the towel only.  It soared through the air as if all the droplets were magnetically drawn to one another.  There was literally not a single drop on the floor.

Like most moments of parenting pride, it was all left to chance: out of my hands.  I had nothing to do with the wonder that was that projectile vomiting moment, just as I have little to do with the Wolvog’s gift for computers or the ChickieNob’s talent with dance.  But damn, with all they accomplish, there are few things that can hold a candle to vomiting halfway across the room and having it all land on a towel for easy clean-up.

I am only half-kidding with this.

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And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “Hard Questions” (Here We Go Again)
• “Saying Crappy Things on the Internet” (Stirrup Queens)
• “Temperature” (XKCD)

Okay, now my choices this week.

As Good as it Gets has a post about happiness this week; namely, how you feel when you get everything you ever wanted.  She asks: “There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.  So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?”  I was smiling as I read the last line of the post — everyone should write that way every once in a while.

Bio Girl has a post about the beginning of the end of her infertility journey.  About how there is a peacefulness in knowing that whatever happens, this current cycle will be your last.  How even having a stopping point doesn’t affect the level of hope she feels.  She states: “I hope this peace I have found stays with me. But what I really hope is that I don’t need that peace to calm my breaking heart a month from now. I hope that we just get to be happy.”  It’s beautiful; it’s bittersweet — and I’m sending only good thoughts for the last cycle.

Mommy Odyssey has a post about the void that blogging fills, and I think a lot of people will have her self-realization resonate with them as well.  She explains: “This uncensored, open book. I love Mo. I love her dearly. She is the real me. The essence of who I truly am. And yet, I’m not her in real life. I don’t live up to her. Mo isn’t a persona. She’s not a construction. Mo is the person I aspire to be in real life, but never really get there. I’m more real here than I am with my own freaking mother.”  The post is an astute look at why she loves her blog; why she needs her blog, and why her blog also may be holding her back.  It is about finding that balance — between the thing she needs, but not letting the thing she needs take over her life.  A great post.

Lastly, A Woman My Age has a post about the fantasy life she constructed for herself as a child.  The “real” family who would come fetch her.  The changing colour of her skin and how that would create a cascade effect through the rest of life.  But what twisted my heart was the story that comes in the middle about the little boy’s mother.  About what that woman meant to her as a child and how she never got to tell her.  And how that experience informed her fantasy life.

The roundup to the Roundup: I’m getting old and I’m going on a date.  This is truly my proudest moment.  And lots of great blog posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between May 20 and May 27) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.