Best for Us

Erin McKeown recently told the story of a breakup that ended without a final conversation, a lot of music created out of the experience, a book written by the other person that didn’t mention Erin McKeown at all, and a final touch point that closed the door firmly.

It’s an interesting story.

But there was a paragraph that I kept returning to because it held a really important question:

i never heard from my person again. i believe the children call this “ghosting” but that term has some slippage too. i certainly tried a few times to finish the conversation by reaching out. but there was only silence, digital and otherwise. i think ultimately my person made the right choice for them, obviously, but in the end also for me. the thing was just better off left alone.

When you make a decision, you, of course, make the best decision for yourself. That’s the way it works: we think about what we need, and then we make that happen. And sometimes the best choice for you is also the best choice for the other person, too. Then it’s easy. But sometimes, the best choice for you ends up being the worst choice for someone else. Then it’s hard. Because do you make the choice that works for you, full stop? Or do you compromise your choice to try to meet the other person partway?

Do you have any obligation to take some middle road if what is right for you is wrong for someone else?

It changes from situation to situation, and when safety is concerned, there really isn’t a choice: A person needs to protect themselves. But in all other circumstances, what do we owe each other?

I kind of feel (only knowing what is in the newsletter) that a final, tiny conversation — maybe whatever could be asked and answered during a walk with the dog — or even one or two emails back and forth would have been a kind middle ground. Or maybe it would have just prolonged the pain. But it’s still an interesting question.