Seder for Two
Four years ago, at the start of the pandemic, our big Pesach crew reduced down to the four of us around our kitchen table. Even without the pandemic, our table would be smaller because it was the first Pesach after my cousin moved to another state, taking her family of four with her. But we hadn’t expected to spend the last few years with just the four of us singing “Dayenu.” We thought things would change and shift and grow. But that isn’t what happened.
And that is life.
This year, we are a seder for two. The kids may FaceTime in for dessert, but they have their own seders with their friends this year. And, yes, we could have made different choices with the holiday, but we didn’t. We chose this, so I’m in a place of acceptance and sadness.
I am in a place where I accept that I made this choice, and I am sad that I had this completely awesome experience for the last 19 years, and now my kids are far away, so I don’t have it anymore.
My holiday experience is not something I want to fix; I just want to be able to talk about being sad with other people responding, “I’m sorry you’re sad. Hope next year is better,” instead of making suggestions we’ve already considered and rejected because we like them less than the one we chose. I think it’s just very hard for people to hear how you feel without having the impulse to say, “Have you considered this?” Humans are fixers.
But that’s where I am: cooking for a seder for two, feeling lucky that it’s not a seder for one, and sad that it’s not a seder for four or more.
4 comments
I’m really sorry. We are in a season of changes in our family too. Some hard, some good.
I’m also facing a health crisis as nd can totally empathize with the needing “I’m so sorry” not the “have you tried x, y or z” or the multitude of positive platitudes.
Hang in there.
Transitions are complicated and full of all sorts of feelings–the only way through is naming them and sitting with them. Our seders have gotten more and more low-key and small over time and in general I have so.many.feelings about the holidays I imagined that never quite materialized as well as the ones that did that were a delight. It’s complicated. And part of what I love about hanging on to blogging is the space to sit in the complications sometime. Makes life less lonely. So thank you for posting.
I remember our family gatherings at Thanksgiving, where we would have aunts, uncles, cousins, relatives from out of state…it was fun and lively. But it was also, for many of them, a place to go when their family gatherings had dwindled to nothing. Then, when some of the died or found other invitations, and my aunts decided they didn’t want the hassle of hosting, we started going out for dinner.
My sister started hosting once all her kids were born. But I had moved by that time. I hosted at my mom’s condo one year, because my husband was in Afghanistan, and I was free to go where I pleased.
With my husband’s anxiety issues, we started staying home for all the holidays. Now that he’s gone, I’ve tried going elsewhere, but I just don’t want to put in the effort. Maybe things will change in the future, as my child develops her own traditions. But for now, I’m fine with the status quo.
All that is to say…holiday celebrations change with time. And you should do what’s right for you in the moment. I hope you enjoyed the traditions even if they looked a little different this year.
Sending hugs! I’m so sorry! <3
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