Empty Nest
A friend unpacked the term “empty nest” recently in her Substack. “I’m still shocked by the inadequacy of our language for this phase. Should we even call this a phase? Empty nesting lasts for the rest of our lives.”
Because that’s sort of the thing. I had an empty nest before I had kids. I had prepared a life, arranging the twigs just so in anticipation of an arrival that took a long time to manifest (and a lot of drugs and procedures). Their empty bedrooms felt more like empty nests.
But I am now in the time that people refer to the empty nest because the twins have flown away. And it doesn’t really feel like the term fits because it’s forever. I mean, yes, the twins may move back, but the idea that they’ve reached adulthood is forever. Are my parents still empty nesters? Are yours? When does a person stop being an empty nester and become someone who has family members who exist in other places?
It wasn’t something I thought about prior to reading it in her Substack.
3 comments
Birds abandon their empty nexts, don’t they? I guess some people do too when they downsize and so on…
I plan to keep the kids’ rooms as they now are forever, basically.
My outsider’s perspective is that the active parenting stage was only ever going to be temporary, if everything goes well. You’ll always be a parent. But you won’t always need to actively parent the twins. It’s the difference between a total absence, and a presence elsewhere. If people see “empty nesting” as a negative that lasts for the rest of their lives, I feel very very sad for them. But if they accept that it is the majority of their lives – living in a home without children (who need parenting) in it – then there is accomplishment and joy. My parents got a new lease on life after we left home. My mother blossomed, they were able to travel for the first time ever, and pursue other interests. I wouldn’t describe them as “empty nesters” in that respect, because it was another 20-30 very happy and fulfilling years of their lives.
It’s the transition that is the hardest part, of course, and I can understand grappling with that.
On the bright side, it looks like you might have found at least one member of your new tribe?
Change is so hard for me. A changing nest is going to be such a challenge (one of ours is going to live with us after her siblings leave). Even if my kids move back, I need help figuring out how to cope as our relationships change. Spending every holiday together would be my preference but I know that will shift from always to sometimes….thank you for posting!