Repeat: Enoughness
I am not writing my blog right now because I realized mid-August that it felt like a burden instead of a release. I am too sad, navigating the twins leaving for college. I scheduled these posts that day so the blog wouldn’t be empty, but I could pull back and use the time left with the twins. A cop-out, but forgive me. Having them go is really, really hard. I need mental space to feel what I am feeling, help the kids through the transition, and sit in the quiet for a moment on the other side.
I feel like I didn’t get enough time this summer. It’s greed. I can’t point to one day that we frittered away, but I feel as if I didn’t use my time well enough. I am plagued by the idea of enoughness. There was a new beach I heard about that we never found time to visit. It feels like I didn’t do enough this summer if we never got to that beach. And yet I can’t point at any particular day and say, “see, you wasted that time.” Because every day felt full. We saw friends and family and hung out at the pool (not enough though!) and did a brief stint at camp and took some trips. We would have had to give up something in order to get to that beach, and I can’t imagine what we should have given up.
I am really not ready for school to begin. Summer feels like dry sand that escapes between your fingers. There’s no way to hold it, no way to build anything with it.
