Repeat: Updating the Donation Room Porn
I am not writing my blog right now because I realized mid-August that it felt like a burden instead of a release. I am too sad, navigating the twins leaving for college. I scheduled these posts that day so the blog wouldn’t be empty, but I could pull back and use the time left with the twins. A cop-out, but forgive me. Having them go is really, really hard. I need mental space to feel what I am feeling, help the kids through the transition, and sit in the quiet for a moment on the other side.
Loss is inherent in infertility–the negative beta at the end of the cycle, diminishing hope, forgoing opportunities. We have spent so many years of our life together in a perpetual state of continued loss. And mixed in with the loss is the physical pain and the emotional embarrassment. The financial holes and constant anxiety. And, of course, shwanking off in public.
When my husband, Josh, would complain about the donation rooms, I would lift up my shirt to show him my bruised belly. Needles, in my mind, always trumped a date with your hand because at the end of masturbation comes an orgasm as opposed to the end of a Follistim injection which comes with an annoying sting and a little medication dribbling out. How could he ever compare rubbing one out with nightly injections?
And then I took a field trip to the donation rooms and listened to the nurses discussing the viscosity of a semen sample on the other side of the thin wall and I had a newfound appreciation for my husband’s prowess to zone in on an image of breasts (always my own, always my own) and get the job done despite the andrologist crooning “Careless Whisper” in his office, three feet away.
3 comments
O. M. G. Thank you for reposting this. In 2008 I wasn’t even married yet, much less TTC and dealing with infertility. This post made me laugh so hard and then I cried. You are an incredible writer. Thank you so much for sharing.
Also, blog posts used to get 50 comments??
Oh, what a great post. I felt the same way, but asked for a tour of the room at some point and saw the sketchy materials and TV with built-in VCR (VCR!!!) and the thin walls with another “donation room” next door… yuck. The pressure. I also provided personalized, um, inspiration. 🙂
Thinking of you through this transition. I can only imagine how hard it is, and so I am sending you as much love as you need.
I remember this post making me cry and laugh at the same time. One of the many times I knew just how amazing you were, how amazing Josh was, how amazing your kids were going to be. There is so much love here.