Supporting From Afar
Embedded had an interesting piece about Hank Green’s cancer diagnosis and how we form one-way online and sometimes offline attachments. A Reddit commenter captured the feeling:
My close friends… I’d be on a plane and baking cookies and lasagnas. How do I give support to someone who is so good and means so much to me/us/this community when they literally don’t know I exist?
The Embedded essay states that “the practice of ‘following’ someone simply hasn’t been around long enough for us to grapple with the unpleasant parts of life that are expected, like the realities of getting older.”
Except that it has. The internet has certainly opened the door to a person sharing ongoing thoughts, and that is different from a celebrity sharing parts of their life in an interview. But we have grappled with feeling emotionally close and understanding we’re emotionally far (or unknown) before the internet.
We clearly do need to create rituals around supporting from afar or grieving from afar.
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Well, in this case, he specifically said to leave in the comments of his diagnosis announcement video to leave comments about fun happy mindless stuff to do during chemo. (Stardew Valley got a lot of votes.)
So he had in mind the needs of people with parasocial relationships with him!
I agree that we’ve had parasocial relationships every since we’ve had celebrities– where celebrity can be defined as nobility in addition to performers and writers, so… millennia if not longer (epochs?).
Of all the people to make that happen, Hank Green is probably at the top of the list. He’s been demonstrating distance-based relationships for years with his brother. So, as nicoleandmaggie said, he’ll probably forge what this kind of thing looks like.
But…having online friends who have never met me, but have shown me great support after my husband died…I don’t think it’s all that unfamiliar to people. I may not have seen them all in person, but my friends checked in on me regularly, sent me notes/emails/texts/little gifts, and generally made me feel very well cared for. It was amazing, especially to someone who occasionally wonders how long it would take people to notice if I disappeared.
Oh, I missed this announcement somehow. đź’— Oh man. Yes to supporting and grieving from afar.
OK, I confess I had to look up to find out who he was. But you raise an interesting question. I feel it’s different when it is someone who doesn’t know I exist. I can mourn their loss or misfortune in the same way I might that of any celebrity I admire or follow. Buy their book, or do something they’d approve of in their honour. I don’t think every act of support needs to be acknowledged.
Closer to home, many internet friends have become important people in my life. We chat, either on the blogs or elsewhere. We might have met, or have plans to meet. It becomes a real friendship. Social media complicates things. Sometimes people make public offers or declarations of support and love for their needs as much as those of the person who needs them. I prefer to message privately, if I can, to take it out of the public domain where everyone jumps on the same bandwagon, and to make it more personal. Sending things online is so much easier these days too, to show support. Even sending an old fashioned note shows a degree of care that a fbk or instagram comment does not. But we all have to figure this out – what works for me might not work for others.