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The Ends of Eras

The last day of school brought the end of another childhood ritual. For 12+ years, I’ve been picking up the kids from school or meeting them near the bus stop. But they can now drive themselves, so I had to release yet another ritual on the second to last day of school.

I both love and dislike this ritual. I love the time in the car, unpacking the day. I dislike being pulled out of a task to run to pickup and have to pick up the thread again when I get home. I get back 15 minutes of my day. I lose 15 minutes of connection.

I cried hard after they drove off to school for the first time. And then I cried because I don’t know how I’m going to get through all of the “lasts” if I was having trouble with school pickup. Very soon, we will have a final first day of school. And then a final last day of school. And then a final last day of summer. And then a college arrival. And then a college drop off and drive away. And I will have to get through each of these moments. And right now, I don’t know how I will do that.

I will miss them and this time so much.

I don’t see a lot of posts like this. Most of the time, I see parents excited about their kids moving on to college. Excited for an empty nest. Maybe a little sad, too, but not expressing anything more than the fact that they’re a little misty or released a few tears at graduation. Every time I see anything more than that on Facebook, I bookmark the post so I can re-read it and not feel alone. Maybe I’m putting this here, not just for myself, but for anyone else who doesn’t know how they will get through all of the “lasts” and “firsts.”

4 comments

1 Natka { 06.29.22 at 8:35 am }

Mel, do you find that sometimes thinking about all the potential “lasts” is actually worse than living them?

I don’t quite feel as strongly as you do about kids growing up and moving away. But I have my own demons – every moment could be the last one. All we have is today and right now. We could all be dead tomorrow. I could go to the doctor and be diagnosed with some horrible form of cancer, and then, yes, I would have the countdown in my head… the last time I celebrate my daughter’s birthday, the last time I get to do this or that holiday with the kids, the last time I hear our son perform at a recital…. Too horrible to contemplate for too long, but – reality. Our son’s friend’s father was just diagnosed with colon cancer. Our son’s classmate is battling a relapse of a rare pediatric cancer. Our daughter’s classmate had to have a heart transplant.

I think this is how I’ll be getting through all the “lasts” and “firsts” – by thinking that I am so glad that we are around for this. Because the alternative is terrifying.

2 Working mom of 2 { 06.30.22 at 12:25 am }

I’m with you and I still have (only!!!) 7 years til my oldest goes to college. I keep thinking that it seems like yesterday she started kindergarten and that was 6 years ago. Almost the same as what’s left. It goes by so very fast!

And we don’t/won’t get a last drop off/pickup/day/year/holiday concert/etc. at my kids’ elementary school—they haven’t been back in person since March 2020 and this fall the school is moving to a different site (and who knows when/if ever it will be safe enough for them to attend in person again). So that’s sad. I mean I guess we already had all those lasts we just didn’t know it.

3 Candice { 06.30.22 at 9:25 pm }

Oh Mel, I feel for you. I don’t have anything profound to add, but I am here reading about your grief and misty-eyed with you. I know it can be very isolating to feel alone with your emotions. I know I will struggle with my kids’ “lasts,” I’m just not there yet. I try so very hard to etch the little moments into my memory. Their little hand in mine, piling into the same chair together, the way the top of their head smells…sigh. On the opposite side of the spectrum, my neighbor’s son just graduated from middle school and she told me that she was so grateful and happy that he was embarking on the next phase of life because all of her kids have struggled in one way or another developmentally. She said that they fought for every developmental milestone, so she was happy to have reached this positive juncture. “staying little” ment a kid was not developing in her perspective. So interesting to hear her say that. I think because I have littles, I read/hear/see the nostalgia from other parents – “don’t blink or it will be over,” or “enjoy every moment because they grow so fast…” I know! And I’m trying! Am I appreciating it enough? Of course not. It’s impossible. Like water through my fingers, I cannot grasp it.

4 Sharon { 06.30.22 at 11:45 pm }

You’re right that most parents seem to focus more on the next “first” than on the “last”s that they experience. I’d bet that lots of parents share your feelings, though, even if they don’t share them.

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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