Carolyn Hax Does it Again
Carolyn Hax has a way of putting things that is so simple and straightforward that you know you can put the advice into action. The question was about taking someone’s last name during marriage, but the advice applies to all of the invasive questions that accompany infertility or family building.
The answer to your question about sharing “without getting into all the reasons” is actually the easy part of this whole thing: You never owe people an accounting of your private thoughts. “This is what works for us.” Done and done. Intrusive questions aren’t invoices.
“Intrusive questions aren’t invoices.” That is BRILLIANT. You don’t have to answer every question just because someone asked it. I know this but I clearly don’t know this because I often feel anxious when I feel like I’m being pushed to answer something that I don’t want to answer. I need to stop thinking of every question as an invoice that needs to be paid in full so I can move it to the done pile. It’s also possible to move the question to the rubbish bin. Or just file it away, unanswered.
4 comments
Yes to this! I think this also helps when I feel like I’ve asked a question of someone and inadvertently put them in the position of having to share, usually because I’ve phrased something one way and they interpret it another. Or if I’m in a group (remember being in groups?) and someone asks another an intrusive questions. I can stop their discomfort by saying “Everyone does what works for them.” And changing topics.
I LOVE that! “Intrusive questions aren’t invoices.” I’ve often joked that I wished we all had the media training that politicians get. That we would not feel compelled to answer intrusive questions, but could say what we like (just like politicians). Women especially. It’s not rude to decline to answer either. I’m so much better at it now.
Also, I love Beth’s suggestion to help others out when they are asked intrusive questions. I’m going to watch out for that.
I LOVE this! I am getting better at not explaining, not answering in full, every single time I’m asked a nosy question, but the “intrusive questions aren’t invoices” will stick with me.
Yep! Took me YEARS into adulthood to realize that I don’t need to respond fully and completely to every question directed at me. Silence (or limited information) can be a WONDERFUL option.