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Emotional Boot Camp

There’s a quote from the book Admission by Julie Buxbaum that I’ve been turning over in my mind over the last few months, sometimes in regards to the pandemic and sometimes in regards to infertility.

On page 295, she writes,

Is waiting the hardest part? I wonder. I don’t know. In the last few weeks, while we’ve been waiting in a different kind of purgatory, I’ve thought that the in-between was what made everything so difficult. Now, I think the in-between is emotional boot camp. It’s what prepares us for whatever’s next.

This character’s in-between is finding out if her parents will be going to jail and what will happen to her future. So a little bit different from being in the two-week-wait or waiting for a call from an adoption agency or waiting for the end of the pandemic.

Because her waiting is going to be something bad. She just doesn’t know which flavour of bad. How bad it will get. But those other waits are hard because you don’t know what you’re waiting for. You don’t know whether to be hopeful or hopeless. The outcome is so unknown that you have no clue whether you’ll be celebrating or crying at the end of the wait.

Boot camp is action. It’s preparation. But how can you prepare when your in-between is truly in-between? It’s not A or B. It’s A or Z—two ends of the spectrum.

Sending good thoughts to anyone waiting.

1 comment

1 Mali { 04.26.21 at 9:32 pm }

I read this last week, Mel, and I’ve been waiting to comment when I had time to think. I remember at the beginning of the pandemic when we all first went into lockdown, this time last year. I remember seeing what was happening in Italy and New York, and not knowing what was going to happen. The waiting was scary. So I decided I just had to savour the moments I had, do my best not to contribute to the problem, and not waste energy on wondering what was going to happen.

When it comes to infertility, I’ve read a lot of people write that they think the waiting is the worst part. That it must be “easier” to know there is no hope. That’s logical to think when you are despairing. But the reality is a little different. I didn’t find it easier. I found the waiting, as hard as it was, at least allowed me to hope that I would get the outcome I wanted. The first few weeks of knowing, when the waiting was over, were the worst for me. (Though waiting to find if I had cancer in the middle of an ectopic was also a particular low point. Though admittedly it could have been lower).

I think that waiting is different depending on us, our circumstances, how long, what we’re waiting for, and even our time in life. I’m so much better at waiting now than I was. Even so, I don’t love it! But I do manage to (mostly) put it aside, and focus on the moments we have. Maybe that’s the boot camp part of it? We are forced to either think about the results and prepare for them, or learn coping mechanisms that will help us through whatever faces us?

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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