Where I Am Right Now
I am feeling hopeful. Like the Magic 8 Ball says, “All signs point to yes.” Except, I have also read/watched Lord of the Rings enough times to know that you don’t turn your back when the Balrog is falling. You wait until you hear his corpse hit the rocks below or burn up in the fires before you walk off the narrow ledge. And maybe not even then.
I won’t relax on January 20th because the nightmare isn’t over—his supporters continue to exist. And if I have learned anything from 2020, it’s that there is not a point where we’ll breathe. There is just moving from moment to moment.
Election Day marked an entire year since I’ve seen my sister. I kissed her goodbye back in 2019 and made plans to see her in the spring. That trip was canceled. In a few weeks, I’ll mark one year since I’ve seen my brother. He lives closer, but our winter trip was stymied by colds and holidays. We thought we’d be able to pull off late January or early February. That didn’t happen, either.
I’ve stopped putting goal posts up, saying maybe by January 20th, maybe by a vaccine, maybe by the next midterms. I feel hope in this moment that we’re turning a hard-to-turn ship. And that is where I am right now. Because it’s all about moment to moment, not thinking anything is a given.
6 comments
Yes. This is exactly where I am at. Also, so very sad. Even if this ends with a Biden win, it’s…I don’t even know the word…it’s just so very sad that so many people voted for Trump. This is not 4 years ago – this is 4 years LATER and voting for him knowing what he has done is more heart breaking than I expected. Living in Michigan, I’m feeling let down. It’s looking good right now but why is it so close? Why do I see so many Trump signs in my town? I won’t be able to take a deep breath and relax for a long time.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen one of my brothers, too. We see my parents at a distance. It’s just all so much when it feels like there’s no more goal posts in sight.
I have been thinking about you ever since I got up at 4:40a to check my tablet for news.
It’s so hard to be disconnected from those we love most. From our autonomy. I think your moment-to-moment idea is a good one.
I don’t know whether to hope for quick resolution or my desired resolution (if I had to choose only one). I really don’t know anything. So my focus has become really small. I’m not thinking big picture much during the coming days because it’ll make me crazy. I’ll check in once in awhile, but I’m trying not to get too caught up in something I can’t really influence at this point.
I was able to see one of my sisters when they brought my niece to college (10 minutes from my house). I am very sad that we missed our annual trip to Chicago to stay with my oldest sister – it’s the highlight of my year. Someday…
I woke up very anxious this morning. I am less so this afternoon. I know for me it doesn’t really matter what happens. I will be fine – I blend. But I have friends and family from all walks of life, and I hate to see the potential looming dangers for them.
Yesterday felt like deja vu. I was very afraid—I realized I’ve been holding it together bc deep down I believed Biden would win and COVID would finally be addressed properly (in addition to all the other things that would improve obviously). With that propect gone…gah. This afternoon I’m slightly hopeful. But I can’t fucking believe it’s close. After everything he’s done, all the lies and crimes, almost 250K dead, etc. I can’t believe Obama was elected twice not that long ago. Our country is full of racist idiots.
Very well said. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about where we are — too long to put in your comments section — but I am holding on to that slim thread of hope that, come January 20, we will at least have a new leader in the WH.
I’ve been thinking of you, and all my US friends, for the last two days now. We’re accustomed to having to wait for election results (forming coalitions, for e.g.) – but I remember how unnerving it was the first time. And the stakes were never so high. Sending much love.