The Ungoodbye
Linus died in the afternoon.
We saw him in the morning. The vet told us we could come see him; he thought he might perk up and eat if he could hear our voices and feel us. They brought him out to the hospital porch, and we got to sit with him for a long time.
He was not himself and he was himself, both at the same time. The Wolvog always got him excited, and Linus tried to play with him when he stroked his head. But he gave up on the idea of play wrestling after a single head nod. And he perked up when ChickieNob asked him if he wanted a spiky leaf (which is what we call frisée with him), but he just gently moved his teeth up and down without really chewing it. He accepted two timothy treats from me, and we thought he was eating them, but he was just moving them back and forth over his tongue. He was so tired.
We went home in the morning believing that he just needed the anesthesia to wear off. That he would be a different pig at the end of the day.
I called the vet for an update at 1:30 pm, and he told me he had just given him fluids ten minutes earlier and he was resting. He asked if we wanted to come back and visit in the evening, and we made plans to go down there at 4 pm. We were going to try to feed him again and say goodnight.
But the vet called at 3:30 pm, sounding stricken, and he said that Linus had just died. He had been syringe feeding him, and he looked up at the vet, let out one sigh, and died. No warning. It was peaceful, and he wasn’t in pain, but it was sudden and unexpected.
It was a hard afternoon. We cried for a long time, and told Linus stories. Like how he used to dangle one piece of bedding outside the bars of his cage, waiting until I looked over so he could drop it. And I would say, “Linus. Stop it.” And he would pick up another piece of bedding and dangle it… Or how he wheeked every single morning when I went into staff pose during yoga because he knew that kicked off the final sequences of positions, and he would soon be getting his beloved vitamin-C tablet.
He would go “full pancake” when he wanted his side rubbed, seemingly going boneless while he blissed out with his little feet kicked to the side. How he always tried to suck the plastic duck from inside the water bottle, or fight his woven hay carrot (named, uncreatively, Mr. Carrot) instead of eating it, or pick up his food bowl and throw it. We called him the ringmaster because he would flip his food dish upside down and stand on it, so damn proud of himself.
The ChickieNob commented at one point that she was glad our goodbye was not a goodbye. When we left him in the morning, we thought we’d see him later in the day or the next morning. So we said a very loving goodbye, but when the vet brought him back inside, we didn’t have the weight of wanting to hold onto him one last time. It was truly a good goodbye because it was an unencumbered ungoodbye.
My heart hurts a lot tonight.
29 comments
I am very sorry about Linus. I’m glad you got to see him and spend time with him. ((Hugs)) and love to you all ❤️
I am so very sorry, hon. Sounds like he was very strong and he got to enjoy you all in the normal way that one last time. I am glad he had someone with him holding him as he passed. ((Hugs))
Oh no! I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry. I know how much he meant to all of you and how much he will be missed.
Oh, my friend. I am abiding with you. Holding space for the loss of your beloved Linus. Xoxo
He brought you so much joy. What a wonderful pig.
I’m so sorry to hear this.
I am so sorry. Thinking of you all.
I am so so so very sorry to hear this. I was worried when I realized you hadn’t posted an update. I’m glad you were able to see him and I’m glad he wasn’t alone when he died.
Holding all of you in my heart.
Oh, Mel. I’m so sorry. He was such a good pig, so loving…he was your faithful companion when you needed him most.
I’m holding you all in my heart, abiding with you.
I’m so sorry. Holding all of you in my thoughts.
So, so, so sorry for your loss. My heart is heavy today. I was stricken by the complicated surgery Linus had on Monday. 2020 😭😖😭😖
I am so so so sorry for your loss. That is heartbreaking. 2020 sucks all around. A lot of people are struggling with loss and hardships. Best wishes as you grieve for Linus.
Oh Mel, I’m so sorry. 🙁 Sending (((hugs))) and lots of love.
My heart aches for you and your family. Sending hugs and prayers your way <3
Oh Mel, I am so so sorry for your loss. Hugs and strength sent to you and yours.
I echo what AnneB said about…2020 is the worst. I am so sorry you lost Linus. Sending love and peace to all of you while you grieve his unexpected passing.
And, I understand exactly what you mean by a stand-in baby…we adopted a new puppy a month from a local shelter and he’s my stand-in baby as well. I’m making my little fur-baby sidekick. But it doesn’t mean I don’t still grieve and miss my fur babies who we have lost.
(((Huge hugs)))
I echo what AnneB said about…2020 is the worst. I am so sorry you lost Linus. Sending love and peace to all of you while you grieve his unexpected passing.
And, I understand exactly what you mean by a stand-in baby…we adopted a new puppy a month from a local shelter and he’s my stand-in baby as well. I’m making my little fur-baby sidekick. But it doesn’t mean I don’t still grieve and miss my fur babies who we have lost.
(((Huge hugs)))
OH NO!! I was thinking of you and of Linus last night, but it was (I deemed) too late in the day to email you and check in, given that there is a 3-hour time difference between us.
I am so sorry to hear this news. Losing a beloved pet is so hard.
Goodness this hurts to read. Sending each of you hugs. Sounds like the vet was exactly the right vet. You are such a great pig mama to have found him. Linus was loved to the end.
I am so saddened to read this ,I was holding fast to the hope that he would be invincible ,glad the time with the much loved Linus was not a goodbye as such and glad he brought somuch joy and contentment to your lives xx
I am so, so sorry. May fond memories of Linus warm your heart always.
Zadie Smith: “…sometimes joy multiplies itself dangerously. Children are the infamous example. Isn’t it bad enough that the beloved, with whom you have experienced genuine joy, will eventually be lost to you? Why add to this nightmare the child, whose loss, if it ever happened, would mean nothing less than your total annihilation? It should be noted that an equally dangerous joy, for many people, is the dog or the cat, relationships with animals being in some sense intensified by
guaranteed finitude. You hope to leave this world before your child. You are quite certain your dog will leave before you do. Joy is such a human madness.” http://theessayexperiencefall2013.qwriting.qc.cuny.edu/files/2013/09/Joy-by-Zadie-Smith.pdf
Oh Mel, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you all had a good goodbye.
I’m so very sorry to hear this. So hard to lose a beloved pet.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry. He was a good little piggy and I always loved reading about him. Thank you for sharing his life with us.
Oh Mel, I’m so sorry. I’m glad to know you did all it was possible to do for him, and that you got a good, and long, goodbye visit.
Oh, it is so hard to say goodbye. I am so very sorry.
I am so very sorry. He sounded like an amazing pig.
Oh Mel, I’ve been out of touch much of the week working like mad and I just got caught up. I am so, so so very sorry for the horrid week you’ve had and for the loss of Linus. 2020 can go suck it. I have tears in my eyes as I type this, and wish I could just send you a giant hug. Our furbabies are well…to me they are everything and it hurts my heart to think of this in the suckfest that already is 2020. True confession: I may have gone down the rabbit hole trying to get on breeder lists for puppies next year just knowing our boy is of advanced age and worrying about his sister being all alone.
Oh no, oh no, oh NO! I’m so sorry, Mel. I’m glad you had an ungoodbye, you had that time with him. I’m glad it was peaceful. But I am just shaking my fist at the universe and wondering what the F is wrong with everything. Linus was an amazing pig. He had an amazing life with you. Sending you so much love, my friend.