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The Advice That Comes Right When We Need It

I love love love love love (yes, I need to write it five times) this article in the Guardian, summarizing a lifetime of lessons learned from writing a column about happiness. The writer states: “These are the principles that surfaced again and again, and that now seem to me most useful for navigating times as baffling and stress-inducing as ours.”

It is an incredibly helpful list. These nuggets of wisdom spoke to me:

In regards to the idea that there isn’t enough time to do everything you want to do each day: “The only viable solution is to make a shift: from a life spent trying not to neglect anything, to one spent proactively and consciously choosing what to neglect, in favour of what matters most.” Yes.

Also: “The capacity to tolerate minor discomfort is a superpower.” The whole paragraph attached to this is a brilliant statement on how much we do to avoid something uncomfortable, which is something we can deal with because that’s the whole point of minor discomfort—it’s minor.

And this, right now. This statement is getting me through the right-now: “The spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti said his secret was simple: ‘I don’t mind what happens.’ That needn’t mean not trying to make life better, for yourself or others. It just means not living each day anxiously braced to see if things work out as you hoped.” What is outside our control is outside our control. Fretting about things is not action.

What spoke to you in the article?

6 comments

1 a { 10.21.20 at 8:15 am }

I liked the part about irreversible decisions: “Relatedly, don’t worry about burning bridges: irreversible decisions tend to be more satisfying, because now there’s only one direction to travel – forward into whatever choice you made.”

Not so much burning bridges, but going forward from decisions rather than spending lots of time dithering and then second-guessing what you’ve chosen. That is a great article – thanks for sharing!

2 Beth { 10.21.20 at 9:15 am }

Selflessness is overrated. I am in a tough place with family members because we are choosing not to celebrate a traditional Thanksgiving with them. For us, still strictly social distancing, it’s just not a possibility. The guilt trip is being pushed. Heavily. My husband and I discussed that we could do this for our family members, try to be as safe as possible, and make it nice for them. But the stress and undue risk that puts on us would make it miserable. So we instead invited them over for a brief, outdoor hang out with dessert (made by me) 6 feet apart and masked except for pie time. They are not content with this but I’m not going to be selfless. This is not the time for that.

3 Lori Lavender Luz { 10.21.20 at 11:07 am }

I love all 3 that you picked.

And this one: “The advice you don’t want to hear is usually the advice you need.” When I’m resisting something, it means I need to Go There to get unlocked from it.

I “know” them, but that doesn’t mean I have mastered them. This is such a great set of wisdom bits.

4 Sharon { 10.21.20 at 2:48 pm }

I have seen bits and pieces from this article shared on social media over the past week. I completely agree with the statement “The capacity to tolerate minor discomfort is a superpower” and know that few people possess this superpower.

The part about their always being too much to do resonated with me as well.

5 Canuck { 10.21.20 at 6:06 pm }

I saw a therapist about chronic pain many years ago, and the bit about “‘I don’t mind what happens” was basically the backbone of her work with me. I was always seeing new doctors to try and find a cure for my pain, only to have no positive outcome. The hope that I would live pain free, and then suddenly having that hope dashed over and over again each time, was upsetting. Eventually in therapy we got to a point where I learned that it wasn’t really helpful to have that hope. It was OK to make an effort to find a solution, but it was equally important to accept that I may have chronic pain for the rest of my life, and to recognize that my life would be fine if that were the case. The acceptance was really freeing and contributed greatly to my quality of life.

6 FinallyMyLinesNow { 10.22.20 at 3:40 pm }

I also find that “The advice you don’t want to hear is usually the advice you need. ” resonates. It’s too easy for me to get caught up in a bubble of routine, which can be nice but often doesn’t produce growth. Receiving advice that I don’t want to hear, usually because it’s pointing out that my routine could use change, is needed to help goose me to growth.

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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