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#Microblog Monday 319: Four Stages of Comfort

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A friend posted a link to an article about the four stages of comfort that correspond to the four states of distress. In other words, the best way to give comfort changes on where the person is in their processing of grief.

So people start out feeling shocked and confused, move to feeling bad (and not ready to feel better), then enter feeling bad AND wanting to feel better, and finally, open to solutions.

While it’s helpful in early days to encourage them to talk things through to wrap their brain around what happened, it’s not helpful to jump to fixing things when they’re still reeling from grief. Whereas validating feelings needs to come after the person understands what they’re feeling.

What do you think of their theory?

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4 comments

1 Lori Lavender Luz { 10.05.20 at 9:41 am }

Oh, I like this theory very much. It sounds so much more thoughtful and deliberate than a more mono-approach. I am going to remember this. So helpful.

2 loribeth { 10.05.20 at 3:11 pm }

I think this is true. When I first lost my baby, people immediately telling me that I could have another one was NOT HELPFUL. (It wasn’t helpful at any stage, actually…!) A simple I’m sorry or a willingness to listen was far more comforting.

3 Maya { 10.05.20 at 8:04 pm }

Definitely the case, IME–when either receiving or giving advice, timing has mattered so much.

4 Mali { 10.05.20 at 8:32 pm }

I love that article. I think I’m going to write about it, because I see these four stages with pregnancy loss and/or infertility/childlessness. Thanks, Mel!

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