Paying Your Way
I mentioned Exciting Times by Naoise Dolan in the July book roundup, and I really loved what it had to say about relationships and learning about yourself. But it also had an economic thread running through the book. The main character is middle class. The two relationships are both upper class.
The way money plays into our idea of adulthood came up in the book and a newsletter at the exact same time. Or, I guess, I was reading both at the same time. In the book, Dolan writes on page 31:
Staying in his flat was possibly a rupture from the capitalist notion that I was only worth something if I paid my own way economically.
And then in the newsletter,
We talk to therapist Jordan Pickell, who notes that many of us have grown up with the idea that independence is the greatest marker of success: Can we live alone? Pay for things alone? Take care of ourselves? Write a book and make it popular on our own? But the healthiest adults are those who are interdependent, supporting the people they love and allowing themselves to be supported in return.
It seemed especially fitting right now, during COVID-19, because almost everyone needs some help, whether it is literally day-to-day aid, unemployment money, or simply that segments of life—such as childcare—continue as normal so you can take care of the things you need to take care of.
It’s such a bizarre idea when you step back from it. How did we decide that paying your own way made you a grown up vs. having the emotional maturity to treat people well and contribute to society? Certainly in other times in history (and in other cultures right now), your worth isn’t determined by what you can buy or the amount of money you earn. Your ability to pay for things. It’s all about contributions. Are you playing your role? Are you keeping the community moving forward together?
It was food for thought.
4 comments
I have thought a lot about the goal of independence since becoming a parent. Being independent is such a huge goal in our society, and although it’s abundantly clear that connection to other people and to a larger community is key to our mental well-being and happiness, here in the U.S., there is such a high value placed on independence over connection.
I will be 50 years old on my next birthday, and while I am independent (by every definition of that word in American society) and have been for many years, my greatest satisfaction and happiness has come not through my independence but through my connections.
I really like what Sharon said about satisfaction and interconnection.
Is being financially independent an either/or proposition with emotional maturity and contribution to others? I can think of some people who are both and some who are neither. And some who are one or the other.
The other day, my parents tried to give us $ for an appliance we need to replace. We kindly rejected their offer, which mystified our children. They couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t take money when it’s offered. We explained that we take care of each other when we need it, and at the moment we don’t need it. And G&G might someday need that $. I think it’s tricky to figure out independence, co-dependence, interdependence, and interconnectedness. Maybe we need more role models for how to have healthy boundaries around $ and connection/independence/worth.
In the family I grew up in, our parents defined value by financial success. Sad, and yes a very western and conservative viewpoint.
I don’t know – in my family, the ability to take care of oneself was more about the cautionary tale of my father. He was the household support, and then his company got sold, he was forced into early retirement, he developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, and he couldn’t get another job. So my mom, who was much younger, but didn’t work for the first 20 years of their marriage, had to take over. Watching that happen sends home the message that everyone in the house needs to be able to contribute. You can’t rely on someone else without thought, because someone else might suddenly lose their ability to be reliable. It sounds like it’s all about money, but it’s really about support. While my dad wasn’t working and while he was able, he took over some of the household things he had never done before. Like cooking. So we saw that too. Those things are wrapped together for me.
When my husband checked out of the working world, it was wrenching for him to not be the “provider” (although I had mostly made more than him the whole time he’s known me, he always has side deals going on). We had to have many discussions about contributions that were not monetary – like being home for the kid or doing the laundry. We had to have many discussions about how I wasn’t going to be resentful because my mom and my sisters had often supported (monetarily) their husbands when necessary…and been supported. Gender roles are not set in stone. We still sometimes have those discussions 8 years later because I hate cleaning and only do it if forced or inspired or anxious or really, really bored.
So, yeah, I still think everyone needs to be able to pay their way, in case they’re called upon to do so. It’s not about success to me, but I do consider it part of being an adult.