Reanswering
There are plenty of things that are hard right now. It is hard not to see each other. It is hard not to be able to nip to the store and pick up ingredients. It is hard to learn via computer and not be able to get a doctor’s appointment and deal with job instability.
But conversations… those don’t have to be hard. We’re making them hard.
I am totally happy to answer people the first time. No, we’re not getting together with people. No, not even six feet away. Yes, totally thrilled to talk via phone or video call. We’re all figuring out each other’s comfort zones and then interacting accordingly.
It’s the reanswering that is so draining. No, we’re not getting together with people. No, we’re still not getting together with people. No, even this week, we’re not getting together with people. How about I let you know when things change for me? Because, no, we’re not getting together with people.
When the twins were little, we had a code word that meant “you already know the answer to that.” (It also meant “stop” and “you are about two seconds away from me completely losing it.” It was one of those fantastic multi-purpose code words.) So when I said the one word, they knew to pause and think deeply about whether they knew the answer and just didn’t like the answer and were hoping for a different answer, or whether they truly didn’t know the answer.
Because I get it. No one likes hearing my answer, and I don’t like giving my answer. Go back to that first paragraph. I cry at least once a week because it is so hard not to see one another. Because I want to nip down the store and have the social-emotional learning part of school and get a physical and have everyone have a job. I want there to be a different answer, too. But I want to be safe—I want me to be safe, and I want the people around me to be safe.
I’m waiting for different information so I can give a different answer.
5 comments
I get where you’re coming from. We’ve been expanding activities a little, because the reopening plans have given us more opportunities. But a lot of the fun things are still off-limits…or we’ve tried them and decided they’re not safe enough. (It helps to be in a much less population-dense area. But then, that also brings people who want to flout all the scientific advice.) Of course, since I have a long history of saying no to things, it’s probably easier for me. 🙂
We’re having trouble deciding on what to do about school – I registered the kid for in-person attendance, because I’m pretty sure I could pull her out at any time, whereas when you opt for online only, you have to wait until the next term to change. But I’m really just hoping that the teachers will decide that it’s safer for them to teach remotely (I know they’re torn too. I want whatever works best for them).
Our eternal quest for normality can be very annoying.
was your code word xkcd ? 😉
your blog posts remind me how lucky I am to live in a country that prides itself for being small (instead of great) and have low covid numbers for now. so for us it does feel safe enough to meet outside 6 feet apart. maybe xkcd.com/2333/ can cheer you up a little, even if it is a bit greener than you feel at this moment. virtual hugs.
I think a code word is a great idea. I wish I’d had that over infertility/ectopics. I got so tired of answering, “how are you?” (when they wanted to know more than just a generic “fine”), and wished I’d had a code word. I think I’d be telling them that “when my answer changes, I’ll let them know.” Because I imagine you would do exactly that. Singing and dancing in the streets if you were in a different situation.
Hang in there. It’s tough, I am sure. But on behalf of my other DC resident friends (one of whom is undergoing treatment for cancer at the moment), I thank you.
I don’t have a code word, but a phrase I learned in parenting: asked and answered. Which I can use with my kids but wouldn’t feel as comfortable using with other adults.
I’m sorry you’re sad. And I’m waiting for different information too. We need leaderships (and followers) that prioritize science.
Re-answering is always so tiring. No matter the context, I find it saps me of energy. Now, though, being in a pre-existing energy low as a result of lack of so many self-care outlets, it’s even harder. Perhaps this is the time to stop answering? I’m not sure that would help, as somehow just hearing the question is draining, but perhaps it would help reduce the behavior? Beyond that, I have no ideas. I do want to know what your magic code word was, though!