A Formula for Decision-Making

Hax does it again. This week’s posts have been a little weak—they’re reruns of columns from many years ago while she’s out on vacation—but Carolyn Hax was on fire in the days leading up to her absence.

Her column provided a formula for any hard decision you need to make, and it’s brilliant. As someone who spends too many time and energy in places where it is not worth it—where I am not getting back what I put in—it is a game changer.

Hax’s advice is directed at a woman who has a difficult relationship with her in-laws, but the advice is applicable to any relationship—whether it is to an individual or an organization. This is Hax’s formula:

Ask for what you want, kindly and plainly; don’t live and die (emotionally speaking) on whether you get these things; and invest most of your energy in people who welcome it.

So let’s say that you ask for what you need—here are my feelings and here is what I need you to do. Then you release yourself because your part is done. Ta-da! You don’t need to be invested in what they do because that is within their control.

In other words, your emotions should be tied to whether you asked for what you wanted clearly. If you did, feel good no matter how they respond. If they respond positively, you have your answer: this is a place to keep investing your emotions so continue the relationship as is. If they respond negatively, you have your answer: this is not a place to keep investing your emotions. Continue or don’t continue the relationship, but at the very least, find better places to invest your energy even if you’re remaining connected to this person or organization.

Does it feel good to let something go? No. But it feels better than letting something go and feeling as if your emotions were trampled on. Letting things go is hard enough. Don’t give them control of your emotions, too.

Thanks, Hax.