The Difference Between Secrecy and Privacy
Carolyn Hax has been on a roll, providing excellent advice left and right the last few weeks. I ended up bookmarking three posts in the same week. And this one gets to the heart of a common topic of conversation in our community: how much do we tell people our story and is it right/wrong to not educate the people around us about infertility, loss, adoption, donor gametes, and so on. (I’m leaving it as so-on because the list that we could create is long and varied. Please add your personal situation to that list.)
A question asker poses what is the difference between secrecy and privacy? Carolyn answers:
I see privacy as not sharing information with people that isn’t their business.
I see secrecy as not sharing information with people that is their business.
I also think it’s possible for something to fit the privacy definition and still be unhealthy — meaning, you share so little of yourself that you can’t form meaningful connections or you starve the ones you have.
Which gives you the frame. You can share with anyone; meaning, it is your right to tell your story to anyone and everyone you wish. But if you don’t wish to share your story with random stranger you begin speaking to in the grocery store, that is okay, too. That’s privacy.
I just really liked that distinction.
5 comments
YES. I appreciate when people with a platform educate on the difference. We don’t owe our story to anyone.
Fellow Hax fan here. I read this, too, and thought it did a good job of summing up the difference.
Oooh, that’s really good, the “need to know” aspect.
We talk about secrecy/privacy a lot in adoptive parenting. One of the discerning factors here is shame and/0r ill-intent. So much about adoption in the Baby Scoop Era was wrapped in shame (being pregnant out of wedlock, being conceived out of wedlock, being infertile) that we made things secret in those days. And when that happened, all sorts of shady activity was also able to take place in the dark.
As for finding the discerning line for sharenting, Carolyn Hax is spot on.
Yes, I really like this. I’ve been relatively open about not having children and the reasons why, but I still choose who I tell what, and when. I think that’s relatively healthy. I have a friend who had several pregnancy losses, and hasn’t shared it even with her normally very close family. It is her choice, but I wonder how healthy it is. Lots of food for thought.
Ooh, interesting. I agree.