Never Forgetting
I found out that I’ve been driving by an old friend’s house for years now. I bumped into her mother, her mother told me she was living a few towns away, and I realized that I literally drove down her street and past her house at least once a week.
We didn’t have a falling out; we just drifted away many many years ago. It makes me think of Dougie MacLean’s “Calendonia.”
Oh and I have moved
and I’ve kept on moving
proved the points
that I needed proving
lost the friends
that I needed losing
found others on the way
I’ve always taken the line in the positive sense. Shedding people who don’t fit in your life anymore. Not because it’s a bad relationship, but because it’s healthy to enjoy people in a certain time of life and not bring them into the next stage. He calls them “friends,” and I think of friends in the positive sense. So, his line — at least to me — has always been that some people simply fit best in one era. And I appreciate that idea, even though I’m usually very sentimental and want to hold onto everything and everyone.
The New Yorker had a piece about how kids are losing that ability to reinvent themselves due to social media. They never shed old acquaintances because they live on via social media. Which is a good thing — on one hand — but also a terrible thing because, as Dougie MacLean sings, sometimes you need to shed friends. And recognizing that and saying goodbye is part of life.
It comes with an important warning:
On the other hand, Eichhorn writes, such media can prevent those who wish to break with their past from doing so cleanly. We’re not the only ones posting; our friends and family chronicle our lives, usually without our consent. Growing up online, Eichhorn worries, might impede our ability to edit memories, cull what needs to be culled, and move on.
Cull what needs to be culled.
I’ve decided not to disturb the past and reach out. I’ll continue to drive by her house, and if she’s outside one day, I’ll slow down and say hello. But I’m not going to find her on social media and attempt to reconnect because… she was wonderful at one point in my life. But I don’t know how we’d fit into each other’s lives now.
5 comments
Does Eichhorn not know about unfriend and block? People have always been able to stalk you if they wanted to. They’ve been able to contradict your memories. Also…let’s get it straight. Are people sharing their full lives on social media or are they carefully cultivating an image? Is it truth or is it a surface image hiding the messy parts?
I…may have been put into a mood by people thinking there’s only one way things are done – the way they have always been done.
Exactly, there’s always more than one way to do things. I think of how scandalous it was 22 years ago that I met my now husband online. Now it’s passe. Or before that when I at 18 cut my father’s mother out of my life. Again, this was something that just wasn’t done, you don’t cull family members. Except, I did and I’m better for it. Now we see it and read about it left and right. There’s always been more than 1 way to do things…..
Agreed. I think social media causes ppl to hang onto friendships that are over. It’s ok to let go of your past. Appreciate it but let it go.
I let go of Facebook bc I realized I was holding onto people who only communicated with me through it. The intention was good, but there is a huge difference between real life/current/present friendships vs online.
There is a lot to this post…so much that could be said.
I agree with you when you say “I’m not sure how we would fit into each other’s lives now.” This is very true when I think back on friendships from my youth. Even if they were very important at the time, there is a reason we drifted from each other. I thought about one particular guy friend who was a really special and important part of my formative years. How that if we reconnected now I don’t think we would fit anymore, that it’s very possible we wouldn’t even like each other.
I also second everything M wrote above. Especially the part about people on Facebook who only talked to you thru fb.
I find this to be true about social media, that shedding people must now be more intentional. You have to decide to disconnect from someone, when before, you just slipped out of each other’s orbits.
I have made similar decisions to yours about not reconnecting, but merely remembering and honoring.