Family By Family
The headline caught my eye: “Are Parents Enabling Their Grown Children by Paying for Them?” Enabling? That’s a word I usually use for parents who do their child’s homework. So… were these adults refusing to get a job, living in the basement and playing video games while their parents worked?
No. They were just adult kids. Full stop. Any adult kid. And the payment in question was the dinner check. Was it enabling if you took your grown kids out to dinner every once in a while and picked up the check or brought your kids on vacation with you and paid their way?
This was a case where I peeked into the comment section, and… wow… lots of opinions on an optional, family-by-family situation. In other words, I could pay for my kids and you could not pay for your kids (or vice versa) and neither decision affects the way the other family operates.
I mean, yes, it’s an advice column, so it makes sense for people to offer up advice. To state how their family handles the situation and allow the pooling of ideas to inform another person which decision they want to make. But the judgment! The name calling! The commentary on what other people do vs. what the comment writer does!
In the middle of trying to read the comments, a pop up came onto the screen with Oprah’s face asking if I was ready to live my best life and sign up for… something. Her newsletter? Her magazine? I don’t know because I was so distracted by the comment section on her article.
It’s interesting because we’ve been having a lot of face-to-face conversations with people about how we’re handling paying for college. There have been few times when the other person and I have the exact same parameters for covering (or not covering) college, but we both share what we’re doing and why and walk away either unchanged or maybe even rethinking how we planned to do things. It would be lovely if comment sections worked in the same way, especially when it comes to family-by-family situations.
For the record, we pay for the twins now, and we’ll pay for the twins later, choosing to only do both things–go out to dinner or go on vacation–if we can afford it. (Meaning, if we can’t pay for four meals, we probably shouldn’t be spending money on two meals, either, and instead choosing to dine together in a less expensive way.) Not because they expect it or demand it, but because it feels like a small kindness we can do to nurture them. But, of course, that’s not the only way to show a small kindness, so I trust that other families will find their own way.
5 comments
Comments sections tend to bring out the lowest common denominator. I wonder why people care so much about what other people are doing? Recently, I was on vacation with both sets of parents at different times and they both picked up the check at multiple dinners. I learned a long time ago not to even try to pay because that results in a really annoying and awkward conversation. So, here’s where I land: if parents want to pick up the check for their adult children and their grandkids, then so be it. It’s fine. I feel a little weird because I’m like, I can totally pay for this, and at the same time I’m learning to be gracious and accepting.
Sounds like you’re having productive conversations around college! Oof, we’re realizing the next 10 years are going to go fast and we have just started the conversation of how is this going to work?
Comments sections on sites in which commenters have no connection to each other….brutal. Lots of heat and not so much light.
Aside: I’d love to know your thoughts on paying for college.
I see nothing wrong with parents paying for their adult children. A meal is lovely, and so is vacation if they want to. We are lucky that my MIL has taken us and my brothers in law on vacation with her a few times, paying for accommodations (we paid for plane tickets). Her rationale was that she would like to spend the money on family why she is alive and healthy and able to enjoy the experience. Makes perfect sense to me (and my MIL is awesome so it’s great to spend time with her.)
Of course as (generally) responsible adults it makes sense to reciprocate when we can (we have taken all our parents out for dinner.) Probably not as often though. I don’t think anyone feels the need to keep score?? Bottom line is people should just behave honestly and generously and keep the resentment out of things. Enjoy life.
I know people who pay for their adult “kids” to go on vacation with them, because that’s what they want. They paid for college/university at very expensive institutions, and they’re buying their kids a house (or at least, putting down the deposit). Others tell the kids that they paid for their education, so it is their job to work and buy their house. Everyone has different appoaches.
For example, my parents never had a lot of money, and rarely ate out, so when I started working, it was a joy to be able to take them out and pay. But if we went out with my in-laws, they would pay because they could afford it and wanted to be able to be kind. As you say – as long as it works for ALL involved, and as long as nobody feels used, then who cares what we or others do?
This is interesting, and of course, it’s all a matter of personal opinion/preference & circumstances (as well as expectations… if the kids seem to EXPECT mom & dad to pay for everything and never make a move to pay their own way — or treat them once in a while — that could lead to a lot of resentment after a while…!). Picking up the occasional dinner check (cheque? 😉 ) is one thing, but (as the article points out) I know quite a few parents hereabouts who still have adult children living with them, (mostly) expense-free, or who are subsidizing their lifestyles with contributions to monthly rent payments, cellphone bills, etc. Housing costs (renting & buying) are completely ridiculous hereabouts, and I understand parents’ desire to help their kids out (and dh & I would probably still be renting if FIL hadn’t helped us out with some down payment money, 30 years ago!)… but I know some who are postponing or jeopardizing their own retirements to do so. It’s a fine line.
When all of us go to visit stepMIL en masse, dh & I take one nephew & wife in our car while BIL & SIL take another in their car. Dh has remarked that, at 27 & 30, maybe the nephews should be driving us “old people” for a change?? 😉 (I don’t think BIL trusts their driving, though, lol.)