Unused Skills
I was babysitting recently, and it came time to put the baby to bed. I asked and knew their general evening routine. I dressed the baby, gave him a bottle, and sang him the song that I used to sing Truman the guinea pig to keep him calm while he was in the car.
I put the baby in the crib and he let out a cry. I stayed for a moment, rubbing his back and telling him that he was okay. It was bedtime and he needed to go to sleep. He let out two more cries when I went into the hallway and was quiet by the time I got downstairs and checked the monitor.
I’m not saying that I’m magical or special. But I’m good at getting kids to go to sleep or keeping them entertained. I’m good at reading books aloud and remembering all the voices across a series. I’m good at sitting still and listening to a kid and asking questions. I’m not saying I’m a perfect mother; but I am a proficient mother. In a future dystopia where our jobs will be determined by where we excel, I’ll be chosen to be some sort of caregiver of kids.
[Aside: In the movie version, I would play the docile person who goes with the plan while my plucky friend breaks free of The Mold — which is what they would call this whole work system in the dystopia — and follows her heart.]
I feel immodest writing this, but I have so few things I am good at. This is what I’m good at. This and baking. There are so many things I suck at, but that’s not the point of the post.
The point is that I have these skills that I needed once upon a time, and I’ll never need again on a continual basis. I mean, yes, I could become a nanny, but I won’t because I have a job that I love. Or I could be asked to babysit in the future, but…
The point is that I think part of my grief of having the kids grow up (and I do want them to grow up) is that I no longer have a need for some of these skills. A few are transferable to other stages of life or caregiving, but a few, like getting a kid on a nap schedule, are time-limited. And I feel sad that I have these unused skills that once upon a time filled me with pride.
As a teacher, there is always a new year of students. As a writer, there is always another book or another client. As long as I am able to bake, I can keep finding people to eat my baked goods. But this kid-raising thing; that was finite.
This isn’t a problem that requires fixing; it’s just a realization of what makes me so sad about this whole growing up thing as they head back to school and the world beyond.
13 comments
This really rings true for me. I don’t know what I am going to do when I run out of little kids.
Ugh, I feel this too. In my town there is an organization called Moms Bloom which matches up volunteers with families with a new baby who may need help or have no family nearby. It’s a volunteer commitment of 2-3 hours a week. They helped me when I had my second and third babies and I’ve always looked forward to becoming a volunteer once my kids are all in school, which is still two years away. It would give me a chance to use those skills and help support new moms.
“This isn’t a problem that requires fixing; it’s just a realization of what makes me so sad“
That’s it, right there. I get this.
I also get feeling like taking care of babies/small kids is what you are good at, like reaaallllly good at.
I think that is what is so scary for me, because I don’t think I am good at anything else.
This rings so true for me right now. My second daughter went to her last story time yesterday. She starts kindergarten next week. I have been very good for the past 8 years at arranging schedules, finding educational activities, registering for events and classes and story times before they filled up and generally preparing my girls for school and life.
And I loved taking them to all the things and participating. We had plenty of down time for snuggles. I arranged a good balance. Now that that is over, I feel the emptiness.
I have things to do. I have plans, volunteer commitments and organizing and catching up. I won’t be bored. But I do worry I won’t be as good at these things, at this phase of my life.
It’s funny that you mentioned nannying because that’s been suggested to me. I could arrange all the activities and park dates for another little person. But, at least for now, I don’t think I would enjoy that as much. Selfishly, I want to do it with my own babies, my own kids.
Now I have whistling in the dark stuck in my head. And I do think it is a bit of mind poison. Sad to dwell on.
Also: “but I have so few things I am good at” I doubt this is true. And we get better at things the more we do them!
This hits home. I’m GREAT with kids. From newborn on I have a gift, I can calm kids down, get kids to sleep, potty trained, talking, walking. You name it I can do it. I dont have kids of my own yet so these skills have slowly become a reminder of what I can do for others but cant do for myself yet.
I think this is a big part of my drive to get started on our FET and to have another baby. My son is very much a toddler, becoming a little boy, rather than a baby and so much of what I discovered I was good at doesn’t seem to apply anymore.
I mean, I’m pretty good at the toddler stuff too, but I miss doing the baby stuff now and the thought of never doing it again fills me with sadness.
Cait @ Of Needles and Noodles
I feel like the outlier here. The baby and toddler years seem like a million years ago (my kids are 6 and 8). And while I managed to keep them alive I never felt like taking care of babies was a top skill of mine. And I feel rusty—my coworker has a baby and when I pick her up I’m thinking “how do I do this again?”
Aw! I hope you get more chances to help out others because there are so many people who are NOT good at those baby things.
I haven’t missed having little babies exactly but maybe I miss how natural it felt. Much if my life consists of me pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (which I usually go in to enjoy and get good at, so it’s not a bad thing). Parenting has oddly enough been one area where I don’t have a bunch of internal doubt to overcome: I can just be and do. I still feel that way with my older kids but things get more complex in other areas of life.
I understand your loss in a new way now. So well said. And yes, I’ve seen you with children and you are magical. It is very sad to me that the opportunities for you to offer your gift are finite.
I’m raising my hand to be one of those willing to enjoy your baked goods 🙂
I’m abiding with you conceptually, but I join WorkingMomof2 as an outlier relative to you and other commenters here. Honestly for me each year has been better and better because I don’t really enjoy spending time with babies or little kids (obviously that’s a gross overgeneralization, but all the same — my oldest stepkid is 5 years younger than, um, you, so — I won’t say it’s always better into perpetuity, but, um, yeah).
[Trigger warning: NICU, prematurity, …]. We have a local hospital looking for volunteers to cuddle babies in the NICU, so depending on you (and needs around you, but this need cannot be unique), there are ways to put your expertise to excellent use.
I too am good with young children. When the ids got older I went in to volunteering with them. That ran it’s course and I am oke with that. My kids are 14 and 17 now and I love this stage too. But my neighbourgirls that are 2 and 4 that Idolise me and want to bake with me and tell me neighbour I love you so much? and the friends that trust their 2 year olds too us..that is priceless…..and wonderful. And it really makes we want to become a grandma one day…
I’m sorry you feel like this. I can understand it, of course. It was therefore a bit hard to read.